Struggling with Being Settled For

[verhrzn]

I don't think you should assume that because someone is with you they have settled for you. Attraction is a very individual thing and once there is bonding too, then to that person you are beautiful and special. If you feel unattractive, then you will be giving out a vibe to that effect. It won't put guys off but it will confuse them and they may not react as you would expect.

 

I think that's probably pretty true, but it isn't true in my case. In nearly all of my relationships, the guy was with me because he was settling. This isn't my insecurity; they told me. The guys who dated me did so because they were desperate, had low self-esteem, or were bored/lazy (and I did all of the work so why not hang around until they had someone better?) I have never been with someone who seemed genuinely attracted and enthusiastic about me.

 

The closer I get to 30 (and thus the less desirable I become), the more likely this is to be true. I think it's just kind of my lot in life that I am going to be settled for. Really, I should have expected and accepted it a long time ago. I'm of average intelligence, middling financial success, not very socially skilled or with many talents, and below average looks. Hell, maybe it's more concerning if a guy wasn't settling; how pathetic must his own prospects be if I am the best he can get?

 

But it's still emotionally challenging to buckle down and just get with that program. Maybe that's my own version of settling; I settle, by realizing I am being settled for. I think it's probably deeply unrealistic of me to expect anything else, when I have the kind of personality and looks that I do. But I don't know how to accept that emotionally.

[Ruby Slippers]

As usual, I'm in total agreement with you on this subject, Eternal Sunshine.

 

Though I was in love with my last boyfriend and he was quite a catch, I left him primarily because he gave me the impression that he was never really enamored with me. My foolish mistake was being so enamored with him from the start that I was blind to this at first. But then again, it was pretty much beyond my control, as I fell for him the day we met. He liked and admired enough things about me that he was serious and taking steps toward marriage, and I know that he would have been at least a decent husband and father, probably a very good one. I also would have been financially set for life. But without mutual adoration, I pretty much always felt that something was missing. I was never happy with that, and I knew that wouldn't change. No amount of other benefits could make up for it.

 

My advice is to keep meeting new people, and don't get involved with men who don't seem that excited about you. All that's going to do is reinforce your negative perceptions about yourself.

 

If I never again meet a man who's enamored with me, then I'll probably settle for a more casual arrangement that provides affection and companionship, without the pretense of love. In my experience, it's less painful and problematic to be in a limited but honest arrangement like this, than a full-blown relationship that's missing real love and adoration.

 

Like xxoo, I know a couple who are average in appearance, but quite enamored with each other. They've been together for at least 15 years, and the twinkle in their eyes only becomes more obvious with time. Like you, she's never considered herself beautiful - but he clearly does. So that's proof to me that real love is possible for anyone.

Edited January 19, 2015 by Ruby Slippers

[Anela]

I wouldn't want to be settled for, but I also wouldn't want to settle for a man - that wouldn't be good for either of us.

[Els]

I think that's probably pretty true, but it isn't true in my case. In nearly all of my relationships, the guy was with me because he was settling. This isn't my insecurity; they told me. The guys who dated me did so because they were desperate, had low self-esteem, or were bored/lazy (and I did all of the work so why not hang around until they had someone better?) I have never been with someone who seemed genuinely attracted and enthusiastic about me.

 

A good weed-out is to NOT do all the work (I don't mean be completely unresponsive, but aim for half at least). That has the bonus of you not wasting time in dead-end relationships and thus being available more.

 

I thought you had said that your last bf was different? And that you were just extrapolating your insecurities onto him?

 

The closer I get to 30 (and thus the less desirable I become), the more likely this is to be true. I think it's just kind of my lot in life that I am going to be settled for. Really, I should have expected and accepted it a long time ago. I'm of average intelligence, middling financial success, not very socially skilled or with many talents, and below average looks. Hell, maybe it's more concerning if a guy wasn't settling; how pathetic must his own prospects be if I am the best he can get?

 

Do you think this attitude could maybe, just maybe, drive away a man who would otherwise have the potential for falling in love with you? I mean, you're right - it's kinda difficult and probably not very wise for a man to fall in love with a woman who would consider him 'pathetic' if he did so.

[MissBee]

You don't have to be with someone who makes you feel settled for.

 

When someone is absolutely in love with you, you become the most beautiful and best person in their eyes and they make you feel that way.

 

With all my boyfriends, while we were together I never felt like any of them settled for me. They made me feel like the best, most brilliant and most beautiful woman they'd been with to that point. My ex for example literally told me multiple times a day how beautiful and wonderful I was and how I was the best gf, so I had no reason to ever think he was settling for me.

 

That said: my experience tells me that when a man is truly into you you will feel like the best thing since because he will look at you that way and tell you so. If he makes you feel he's settled for you, dump him. Or as others have suggested, figure out if it's really his actions making you feel that way or your own insecurities are telling you he couldn't possibly think you're all that so must be settling. The difference between the two things is important. One is about you and your own self perception and something only you can change, the other is a matter of you settling for a man who makes you feel less than the best.

[Weezy1973]

I think that's probably pretty true, but it isn't true in my case. In nearly all of my relationships, the guy was with me because he was settling. This isn't my insecurity; they told me. The guys who dated me did so because they were desperate, had low self-esteem, or were bored/lazy (and I did all of the work so why not hang around until they had someone better?) I have never been with someone who seemed genuinely attracted and enthusiastic about me.

 

Sounds like because you have low self-esteem, you pursue men that see you as you see yourself.

 

The closer I get to 30 (and thus the less desirable I become), the more likely this is to be true. I think it's just kind of my lot in life that I am going to be settled for.

 

Confirmation bias can be a nasty thing. And, unfortunately, can become a self-fulfilling prophecy...

 

Really, I should have expected and accepted it a long time ago. I'm of average intelligence, middling financial success, not very socially skilled or with many talents, and below average looks. Hell, maybe it's more concerning if a guy wasn't settling; how pathetic must his own prospects be if I am the best he can get?

 

Aaaaaannd, you just made my point for me.....you would think a man is pathetic if he actually thought you were a catch. And why would you want a man like that?!?

 

But it's still emotionally challenging to buckle down and just get with that program. Maybe that's my own version of settling; I settle, by realizing I am being settled for. I think it's probably deeply unrealistic of me to expect anything else, when I have the kind of personality and looks that I do. But I don't know how to accept that emotionally.

 

You, like many on LS, struggle with self-worth. Something to look into...

[todreaminblue]

I settled once it lasted three years......people around me were telling my mother dont worry she will outgrow him.....i settled for sympathy and empathy.....i felt for him in a sympathetic manner and i selfishly wanted to be seen as unavailable for dating other guys because i was being harassed to date.....actually stalked by some and i lived alone....it was a relationship of convenience i didnt love him that way but i was loyal he was not.......

 

i have learned from experience that this settling thing doesnt work long term...i was unable to satisfy him sexcually as i was nto attracted to him and would avoid sex......wherever i could......i dug my heels in because at that age i was at the time..... i can make this work...who are they to tell me who to date or be with and i honestly cared for him like a brother.....i got him and me out of the scene we were in which was strip clubs and prostitution.......we were both young and together we got out......moved away

 

 

our parting was amiable......and we are still friends as we always should have been....but the settling never works.........deb

[GoodOnPaper]

I often hear that settling isn't bad, that everyone settles in some areas romantically. But personally, I am having a hard time feeling comfortable with that, particularly in the physical department.

 

I've always wished that I could be with a partner who saw me as the most beautiful woman he knows

 

Putting such huge expectations on exactly how a man expresses his attraction to you could be a recipe for disaster. Different people have different love languages and you could find a perfectly compatible, committed partner who thinks the world of you and still drive yourself crazy.

 

Unfortunately, for those of us who struggle to attract the opposite sex, I don't think it's possible for a relationship to completely make up for what we think we missed out on physically. Relationships are entirely different animals with more complex bonding. You just have to take what a man offers at face value and make your choice from there.

[Toodaloo]

How does one come to grips with the idea that we don't fit our partner's ideal, and that our partner may indeed be "settling" for us? If they are settling for me they are going to be unhappy so I don't accept this

 

That isn't to say that our partner doesn't love us, or doesn't appreciate our good qualities.... It's more like if they got to design their ideal Wife/Husband, we'd only fit a few of their qualifications. Well thats OK because somewhere out there will be someone who does and there will be someone who I do fit with.

 

Let's assume that our partner "settled" with the best of intentions; maybe they realized their expectations are unrealistic, or their standards are too high, or what they want isn't "in their league." They decided to pick a good person to settle for, instead of holding out for the perfect person. Again... I am struggling with this...

 

I often hear that settling isn't bad, that everyone settles in some areas romantically. But personally, I am having a hard time feeling comfortable with that, particularly in the physical department. Good looking people are sometimes not all that... To be blunt the men I have felt most for in my past relationships are the uglist ones... I have dated models etc... Society puts pressure on you to stick with someone good looking if they are just an OK sort of person. Trust me I have been there and done that...

 

I've always wished that I could be with a partner who saw me as the most beautiful woman he knows (not counting celebrities/porn actresses, real-life women.) I see guys who clearly believe their partners are goddesses on Earth, and I feel so jealous. I see wedding pictures of guys who first see their brides, and their faces just lit up. The Grooms who do this are the ones who love their wives regardless of looks. They love the person so they are excited to see them...

 

That is never going to be a realistic prospect for me. Any guy who ends up with me is going to "settle" in that department, and it really bothers me. So how do you accept this? How do you recognize a romantic standard as unrealistic?

 

Good to see you back on the boards but I am sorry that your self esteem is still so terribly low when it comes to your looks.

 

Now let me tell you a secret. Looks mean buggar all. Which is why I do not bother.

 

What you see in the mirror is NOT what your friends and family see.

 

You should not allow any one to "settle" for you.

 

In your own way you ARE gorgeous.

 

I know women with the most horrific physical deformities. Left alone they would look like an ogre. But with a bit of make up and a nice hair cut they look stunning because they smile and are happy. Just that little something makes them feel good about themselves and believe you me it shines on through.

 

I really do think you need to go back to basics. You are only going to keep yourself down and come across as a dowdy old lump unless you change your attitude.

 

I know I am being harsh but if you really want your groom to look at you that way then you need to start viewing yourself that way.

[verhrzn]

Sounds like because you have low self-esteem, you pursue men that see you as you see yourself.

 

I don't have low self esteem. When it comes to dating, I see myself as other people see me. I have been told I am unattractive many, many times (I have been told I am attractive exactly zero times in real life.) I don't necessarily see myself as unattractive, but I recognize that other people see me as unattractive. Why is it low self esteem to admit this?

 

Aaaaaannd, you just made my point for me.....you would think a man is pathetic if he actually thought you were a catch. And why would you want a man like that?!?

 

Because wouldn't he be pathetic? If you thought an unattractive, talent-less, average-intelligence person with no money is a "catch", what does that say about you?

 

Now let me tell you a secret. Looks mean buggar all. Which is why I do not bother.

 

Yeah, that why men everywhere I look are obsessed with attracting young, hot women.... because looks don't matter at all...

 

What you see in the mirror is NOT what your friends and family see.

 

Yeah, I am aware, in that I look in the mirror and think I look perfectly fine/cute, whereas guys think I look fat and unattractive.

 

I know women with the most horrific physical deformities. Left alone they would look like an ogre. But with a bit of make up and a nice hair cut they look stunning because they smile and are happy. Just that little something makes them feel good about themselves and believe you me it shines on through.

 

This "inner beauty" nonsense really needs to stop.... If smiling and looking happy was all that was required, why did they need make up and a nice hair cut? What if you have make up, a nice hair cut, and are smiling and happy and still unattractive? This idea that there are no truly ugly people in the world is really bizarre.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Oh, no. I'm sorry you feel so terrible about yourself. I don't think you should be worrying about dating or settling or that kind of stuff until you have some good supportive therapy!

[Toodaloo]

I don't have low self esteem. When it comes to dating, I see myself as other people see me. I have been told I am unattractive many, many times (I have been told I am attractive exactly zero times in real life.) I don't necessarily see myself as unattractive, but I recognize that other people see me as unattractive. Why is it low self esteem to admit this?

 

In that case take a look at who you are spending your time with. Are you trying to get compliments? Are you fishing for them? its very rare that someone will just come up and say hey you are really unattractive want a date... Seriously???

 

Yeah, that why men everywhere I look are obsessed with attracting young, hot women.... because looks don't matter at all...

 

Oh so you have been reading the media again... Look around you. the vast majority of women are not running round in the baywatch swimsuit. They are running around with the guys who are also not in their baywatch swim suits... Stop watching TV all the time. You give men an excuse to find you attractive and they sure will. Whinning on about how ugly you are MAKES you ugly. Why not say - I have pretty eyes or I have lovely boobs or my hair is glossy, or my skin is lovely... come on you know as well as I do that you look after yourself because you are always going on about it so you will have something nice about you!

 

Yeah, I am aware, in that I look in the mirror and think I look perfectly fine/cute, whereas guys think I look fat and unattractive.

 

now that is classic fishing... and that is exactly what I mean about low self esteem and it being ugly. That comment in itself is the ugliest, most self depreciating, sulky, self absorbed thing I have read in a long time... I know you will come back and "oh but its true" really? You have nothing good about you at all???

 

This "inner beauty" nonsense really needs to stop.... If smiling and looking happy was all that was required, why did they need make up and a nice hair cut? What if you have make up, a nice hair cut, and are smiling and happy and still unattractive? This idea that there are no truly ugly people in the world is really bizarre.

 

You really need to stop this.

 

Show me any person and I will be able to find something attractive about them. There are ugly people in this world but the attitude that just because someone is not going to appear on the cover of a magazine they are ugly or unattractive is balls. I know many beautiful model type men and women who adore their buck toothed, spotty spouses because they are beautiful from the inside out. They never look at others because everything they want is right there.

 

There are many people who were once "beautiful" but had their looks taken away through age, disease and accident. You think that they appreciate comments like this? perhaps you should read up on the poor girls who have suffered acid attacks, burns victims etc... You don't hear them going on and they go out and make something of themselves. Funny enough no one has "settled" for them.

 

If you persist in seeing yourself as ugly/ stupid/ unworthy then I am afraid that is what you are going to get.

 

If you want it to stop you have to stop this yourself.

[Rejected Rosebud]

now that is classic fishing... and that is exactly what I mean about low self esteem and it being ugly. That comment in itself is the ugliest, most self depreciating, sulky, self absorbed thing I have read in a long time... I know you will come back and "oh but its true" really?

I agree, sorry OP but I find that attitude really offensive, I don't know what you actually look like but your obsession with what you look like and how other people react to it is not any different than a really conceited vain person who is completely wrapped up in themselves and their looks. Only on the other end of the spectrum. It is pretty unattractive quality no matter what you really do look like.

[somedude81]

I don't have low self esteem. When it comes to dating, I see myself as other people see me. I have been told I am unattractive many, many times (I have been told I am attractive exactly zero times in real life.) I don't necessarily see myself as unattractive, but I recognize that other people see me as unattractive. Why is it low self esteem to admit this?

 

 

Because wouldn't he be pathetic? If you thought an unattractive, talent-less, average-intelligence person with no money is a "catch", what does that say about you?

 

It's having very low self-esteem to not see the value in yourself in spite of how you described yourself.

 

Also you are damning any man who is actually interested. "That guy likes me, he's such a loser."

[verhrzn]

Oh so you have been reading the media again... Look around you. the vast majority of women are not running round in the baywatch swimsuit. They are running around with the guys who are also not in their baywatch swim suits... Stop watching TV all the time. You give men an excuse to find you attractive and they sure will. Whinning on about how ugly you are MAKES you ugly. Why not say - I have pretty eyes or I have lovely boobs or my hair is glossy, or my skin is lovely... come on you know as well as I do that you look after yourself because you are always going on about it so you will have something nice about you!

 

Um, it isn't TV. It's what I see and hear all around me, said by normal people every day. It's what guys say here on the forum, or at conventions I go to, or during conversations where they whine that all women are so fat these days and that's why they can't find a girlfriend.

 

Again, it doesn't freaking matter what I say or think about myself, because other people do not agree. Why is this such a terrifically difficult concept for you?

 

now that is classic fishing... and that is exactly what I mean about low self esteem and it being ugly. That comment in itself is the ugliest, most self depreciating, sulky, self absorbed thing I have read in a long time... I know you will come back and "oh but its true" really? You have nothing good about you at all???

 

Do you have difficulty with reading comprehension? I said I see myself as fine. I see plenty of things that are good about me. That doesn't mean other people do. Here's a real simple metaphor for you: just because my favorite color is blue, doesn't mean everybody else loves the color blue. No matter how much I think blue is the best color in the world, other people are going to prefer green or red or black. Just because I see good things in myself does not mean other people do. And since other people's opinions matter in dating, that's kind of important.

 

Show me any person and I will be able to find something attractive about them. There are ugly people in this world but the attitude that just because someone is not going to appear on the cover of a magazine they are ugly or unattractive is balls. I know many beautiful model type men and women who adore their buck toothed, spotty spouses because they are beautiful from the inside out. They never look at others because everything they want is right there.

 

And I know lots of beautiful model people who wouldn't look twice as a buck toothed, spotty person no matter how awesome a person they are. Give me a break; just because you pat yourself on the back for pretending looks don't matter doesn't mean it changes everybody else's reality. A simple glance around you will confirm your views are not the norm. So get off the soap box.

 

(Also, just a note, just because you have buck teeth or are kind of spotty doesn't mean you can't be otherwise beautiful. Automatically equating buck teeth = totally unattractive actually suggests you have no idea what ugly really is.

 

There are many people who were once "beautiful" but had their looks taken away through age, disease and accident. You think that they appreciate comments like this? perhaps you should read up on the poor girls who have suffered acid attacks, burns victims etc... You don't hear them going on and they go out and make something of themselves. Funny enough no one has "settled" for them.

 

Maybe because they're extraordinary in other ways. Or maybe perhaps they don't care. Or maybe they just never talk about it because any discussion of their looks gets them labeled as "whining", "vain" and getting lectures about how someone else has it worse.

 

If you want it to stop you have to stop this yourself.

 

Again, why is it awful to just repeat what others have told you about yourself? Why is it we believe other people when they tell us we're smart, awesome, amazing, beautiful, etc., but when they say we're dumb, ugly, unattractive, then suddenly we can't believe them, and if we repeat it, then we have "low self esteem"? Why exactly is that?

[verhrzn]

I agree, sorry OP but I find that attitude really offensive, I don't know what you actually look like but your obsession with what you look like and how other people react to it is not any different than a really conceited vain person who is completely wrapped up in themselves and their looks. Only on the other end of the spectrum. It is pretty unattractive quality no matter what you really do look like.

 

If you don't know what I really look like, then maybe you should back the heck off on the judgment. We live in a culture that is obsessed with youth and physical attraction. If you have no idea what it's like to live in that kind of culture as a person who lacks those values, then maybe you should try hearing someone's experiences and have some empathy instead of automatically labeling them as vain.

 

It's super hilarious to me that people love making judgmental comments about overweight/unattractive people, but when the overweight/unattractive people actually talk about their own feelings and what that's like, suddenly the overweight/unattractive person is vain/has low self-esteem/is whining. So, society is allowed to kick us to the ground and emotionally wallop us, but we better stay nice and quiet about it, right?

[Rejected Rosebud]

 

Again, why is it awful to just repeat what others have told you about yourself? Why is it we believe other people when they tell us we're smart, awesome, amazing, beautiful, etc., but when they say we're dumb, ugly, unattractive, then suddenly we can't believe them, and if we repeat it, then we have "low self esteem"? Why exactly is that?

It's actually awful to be completely wrapped up in ourselves especially what we look like. A really unattractive quality, I hope you can ditch that soon!

[verhrzn]

It's having very low self-esteem to not see the value in yourself in spite of how you described yourself.

 

Also you are damning any man who is actually interested. "That guy likes me, he's such a loser."

 

I do see value in myself. That doesn't mean other people do. Seriously, what is difficult about this concept??

 

Well luckily, no guy ever is genuinely interested because, as stated previously, it's been made very clear that any guy who is with me is only settling, because only a guy who is settling would be with an unattractive/overweight woman, as you yourself have said many, many times.

[Rejected Rosebud]

then maybe you should try hearing someone's experiences and have some empathy instead of automatically labeling them as vain.

You have no idea what I look like either so why are you so sure about where I'm coming from. Anyway reading how you write about yourself, I react exactly like as if I was reading, "I am so beautiful, how can I deal with men only wanting to go out with be because of my beauty, there is no way they can learn about the inner me because they are unable to stop being blinded by my total beauty, how am I supposed to move past this when all I hear all my life is about my rare beauty, don't dare tell me that somebody might not think I am stupendously beautiful and be completely preoccupied by my beauty or I will bite your head off"

[verhrzn]

It's actually awful to be completely wrapped up in ourselves especially what we look like. A really unattractive quality, I hope you can ditch that soon!

 

And it's a pretty unattractive quality to have absolutely no empathy or interest in seeing what life is like living in a society that despises you and constantly shames you for your body. I hope you ditch that unattractive quality soon!

[verhrzn]

You have no idea what I look like either so why are you so sure about where I'm coming from. Anyway reading how you write about yourself, I react exactly like as if I was reading, "I am so beautiful, how can I deal with men only wanting to go out with be because of my beauty, there is no way they can learn about the inner me because they are unable to stop being blinded by my total beauty, how am I supposed to move past this when all I hear all my life is about my rare beauty, don't dare tell me that somebody might not think I am stupendously beautiful and be completely preoccupied by my beauty or I will bite your head off"

 

Yeah, so? If someone wrote that, my first reaction would not be suspicion, because maybe that is a genuine problem. There are articles out there about super models who have difficulty getting dates/finding love because men only want them as trophy wives. It's a valid complaint. The fact that you want to immediately jump to judging someone as vain/innerwardly unattractive because their dating complaint might be rooted in looks says something profoundly unflattering about you. Maybe try developing some empathy and compassion for other people's problems before rushing in to judge them.

[Rejected Rosebud]

The fact that you want to immediately jump to judging someone as vain/innerwardly unattractive because their dating complaint might be rooted in looks says something profoundly unflattering about you. Maybe try developing some empathy and compassion for other people's problems before rushing in to judge them.

I haven't jumped immediately, to any judgement I am just responding to your many posts about how you look!!! You have no idea what I look like, I very well might look more horrifying than you do and I am not asking for empathy and compassion because of my appearance so maybe that is why it's hard for me to care so much what you look like?? Anyway though I don't understand you or agree it's good for ANYONE to be consumed with what they look like I am sincerely sorry you are feeling so terrible about your self and hope you get some good help to get over that.

[verhrzn]

I haven't jumped immediately, to any judgement I am just responding to your many posts about how you look!!! You have no idea what I look like, I very well might look more horrifying than you do and I am not asking for empathy and compassion because of my appearance so maybe that is why it's hard for me to care so much what you look like?? Anyway though I don't understand you or agree it's good for ANYONE to be consumed with what they look like I am sincerely sorry you are feeling so terrible about your self and hope you get some good help to get over that.

 

And if what I look like is a fundamental problem of dating, why the hell shouldn't I talk about it on a dating forum?

 

So let me get this straight... you have no compassion or empathy because it'd be too hard for you to emphasize with someone who might be similar to you?? What?

 

And again, what help is there to get when the problem is how other people conceive of me? Am I not supposed to care that everyone else views me as unattractive and an object to be mocked/disgusted with?

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I do see value in myself. That doesn't mean other people do. Seriously, what is difficult about this concept??

 

Well luckily, no guy ever is genuinely interested because, as stated previously, it's been made very clear that any guy who is with me is only settling, because only a guy who is settling would be with an unattractive/overweight woman, as you yourself have said many, many times.

 

Rhyming aside..

 

The pity parade ends now. I value honesty over being polite, so here I'm going to offer an unfiltered view of what I hope to get across to you.

 

First off, let's address your view....or better yet explained....other's views about you.

 

You remark you are seen as unattractive and overweight. You have also even remarked that you accept this evaluation. Your evidence is that of your ex boyfriends telling you they settled. That's just tasteless to be honest, and you can do better than that!

 

Here's a cold hard fact: No one is going to care about you unless you care about yourself first. You think you are overweight? You think that plays into unattractiveness?

 

I'm a guy: Would you like to know what goes through my mind if I check out a woman who has the qualities are you describing?

 

1) Overweight = no self respect, no self control. Not interested.

2) Unattractive...but UNKEPT. = lazy, no self control. Not interested.

 

In either case, looks went only so far. The "attractiveness" factor was simply a prelude to how she seemingly gets along in other faucets of life.

 

It's not rocket science to figure out that your "attractiveness" only opens doors. You still have to walk through it.

 

You don't want to be overweight? Go to the gym. Don't like the gym? Go swimming. Don't like swimming? Ride a bike.

You don't like your hairdue? Get a new one. People don't like your wardrobe and you actually care what they think? Get a new one.

 

You want to sit and cry about how everyone thinks you're overweight and unattractive, yet you don't want to do anything about it except ostracize the people trying to make you feel better about being you?

 

"Am I not supposed to care that everyone else views me as unattractive and an object to be mocked/disgusted with?"

 

Yes.

 

Because the only persons opinion that matters is the guy who finds you beautiful. Who cares what the others think? If you do care, you need to let go.

[verhrzn]

The pity parade ends now.

 

Why is it a pity parade to repeat what has been said about you by other people? Seriously, someone explain this to me.

 

You remark you are seen as unattractive and overweight. You have also even remarked that you accept this evaluation. Your evidence is that of your ex boyfriends telling you they settled. That's just tasteless to be honest, and you can do better than that!

 

Here's a cold hard fact: No one is going to care about you unless you care about yourself first. You think you are overweight? You think that plays into unattractiveness?

 

I'm a guy: Would you like to know what goes through my mind if I check out a woman who has the qualities are you describing?

 

1) Overweight = no self respect, no self control. Not interested.

2) Unattractive...but UNKEPT. = lazy, no self control. Not interested.

 

Okay so let me get this straight. You have just confirmed that overweight/unattractive means you're not interested in someone. I think it is a fair thing to say that that is a stance taken by most, if not the vast majority, of men.

 

And yet somehow I have to change my attitude because my attitude, not my looks are holding me back. I have to "care about myself first." Except you have just confirmed that my interpretation of how other people see me is correct. So why is my attitude wrong or terrible or a "pity party" when it's right?

 

 

In either case, looks went only so far. The "attractiveness" factor was simply a prelude to how she seemingly gets along in other faucets of life.

 

It's not rocket science to figure out that your "attractiveness" only opens doors. You still have to walk through it.

 

What the hell does this even mean in this context?? It's not opening the door; that's my point. There is no open door. So why are you acting like I'm choosing not to walk through the door (my attitude) when the door is slammed in my face (my looks)?

 

You don't want to be overweight? Go to the gym. Don't like the gym? Go swimming. Don't like swimming? Ride a bike.

You don't like your hairdue? Get a new one. People don't like your wardrobe and you actually care what they think? Get a new one.

 

I do go to the gym. I have for years. Here's a concept to blow your mind... you can work out, exercise, and be healthy, and still be overweight. You can eat well, and still not be skinny. You can get a hair cut, and still look ugly.

 

Gym, hair cut, and make up are not freaking magical bullets. So what then? Or are you just going to stick your fingers in your ears and insist your simplistic view of the world is always and absolutely right?

 

You want to sit and cry about how everyone thinks you're overweight and unattractive, yet you don't want to do anything about it except ostracize the people trying to make you feel better about being you?

 

There is nothing more to be done. I have done the full extent possible with the tools I have been given, and I am still physically unattractive. There are no more cards to play. Why is it so difficult to accept that maybe there are people in the world who are legitimately unattractive?

 

And how exactly do people make me feel better about myself by posting how unattractive/overweight women deserve to be mocked, ignored, and only have partners because desperate men "settle" for them?

 

Because the only persons opinion that matters is the guy who finds you beautiful. Who cares what the others think? If you do care, you need to let go.

 

And when that guy does not exist? Even just a cursory glance around this board can confirm that men place a very high value in looks. So how can you "only" care about the personal opinion of someone who might as well be a unicorn?