Struggling with Being Settled For

[xxoo]

Some men prefer overweight women. Your weight is just about average for a late 20s woman your height. I can't see that would be an obstacle to finding a partner incredibly attracted to you.

[Phoe]

I can understand the concern... I always wonder if a man will have "settled" if he chooses me.

 

With all my exes but one, I was 2nd choice. There was someone they wanted more. And when that person became available to them, they cheated and kicked me to the curb.

 

I was always the "settle for now..." girl. I figure I always will be.

 

I can accept this though, as long as I know I won't be bailed on.

[verhrzn]

Some men prefer overweight women. Your weight is just about average for a late 20s woman your height. I can't see that would be an obstacle to finding a partner incredibly attracted to you.

 

Not according to this board, or the many, many guys I overhear and read on the Internet. And again, all the messages I've gotten is that the only men who are with overweight women are "chubby chasers" (a fetish which is problematic in itself, but either way, probably isn't populous enough to mean every overweight woman gets one) or settling/desperate.

 

I go further and believe there are guys who can be overwhelmed by a woman's fantastic personality. Like if she's a 10 in every other category, I think it's possible for a guy to push aside physical flaws.

 

But I also think this is rather rare. And since I am not a 10 in all other categories (or even a category), this caveat can't apply to me.

 

So what then?

[BlueIris]

Not according to this board, or the many, many guys I overhear and read on the Internet. And again, all the messages I've gotten is that the only men who are with overweight women are "chubby chasers" (a fetish which is problematic in itself, but either way, probably isn't populous enough to mean every overweight woman gets one) or settling/desperate.

 

I go further and believe there are guys who can be overwhelmed by a woman's fantastic personality. Like if she's a 10 in every other category, I think it's possible for a guy to push aside physical flaws.

 

But I also think this is rather rare. And since I am not a 10 in all other categories (or even a category), this caveat can't apply to me.

 

So what then?

 

What then? I’m not a 10 in anything either but I kept looking and have had some luck. And I don’t mean that glibly. I looked for over a decade. If my BF and I don’t work out, I will be looking again. Or not, if I don’t care for a while. We do not have to have any 10’s to have someone love us for the way we are. I also don’t believe that “overwhelmed” is the goal, or even good.

 

I agree with you, OP, about the looks obsession and how bizarre it is. I could write pages on it. But there are outliers, men who DON’T think the way you described. It takes work to find them. And LS and internet posters in general, are not the measure. The men I’ve known in real life aren’t as, well, mean.

 

To me, it ONLY makes sense to go through this process if you really want a relationship because it takes a lot of effort and strength. And then, I think the only way is to take control of the selection process and be very picky. Be the picker.

 

While we might not have the exact same traits that society generally rejects, I have many traits that the vast majority of men reject, disrespect or that lower my value, and MANY see me as someone to settle for, or use. I have to find out and eliminate men like that as soon as possible, and not be equivocal. Try to process a sting quickly. (Of course it stings!) Get the attitude, “well, crap, another disqualified” as soon as possible, and then decide if you want to get back to looking.

[xxoo]

Not according to this board, or the many, many guys I overhear and read on the Internet. And again, all the messages I've gotten is that the only men who are with overweight women are "chubby chasers" (a fetish which is problematic in itself, but either way, probably isn't populous enough to mean every overweight woman gets one) or settling/desperate.

 

I go further and believe there are guys who can be overwhelmed by a woman's fantastic personality. Like if she's a 10 in every other category, I think it's possible for a guy to push aside physical flaws.

 

But I also think this is rather rare. And since I am not a 10 in all other categories (or even a category), this caveat can't apply to me.

 

So what then?

 

Disregard the internet messages. It doesn't represent normal men in relationships.

 

Immerse yourself in normal couples. I'm not talking about chubby chasers, I'm talking about average guys in love with average women, and finding them HOT!

 

Soft + woman parts + sweet personality + smile = sexy to the average guy.

[verhrzn]

Disregard the internet messages. It doesn't represent normal men in relationships.

 

Immerse yourself in normal couples. I'm not talking about chubby chasers, I'm talking about average guys in love with average women, and finding them HOT!

 

Soft + woman parts + sweet personality + smile = sexy to the average guy.

 

Are there any even out there? Or left, by the time a woman is 30?...

[xxoo]

Are there any even out there? Or left, by the time a woman is 30?...

 

Sure. Lots of men and women marry in their 30s.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Working out and not losing weight? Here?s why | New York Post

 

Here's a general post as to why you aren't losing weight with being physically active. As you were sure to link a "credible" source, I did as well.

 

Oh, and even under your link, it is RECOMMENDED you eat 1200 calories a day as a woman, and lowering that to below 800 calories is when it is considered dangerous to your health. 1500 calories a day, as you eat, is actually over what is recommended for daily intake. So, yes, you are eating over your recommended diet. Working out 3 times a week is likely only keeping off the EXTRA calories you eat, and isn't actually cutting into the fat that is already there.

 

The fact that you complicate something as simple is fitness is laughable.

 

And yes, you twisted my words. Please add UNKEPT to the adjectives that changes my view from "Interested" to "Not interested".

 

There's 3 avenues in play here.

 

Unattractive = Physically unappealing.

Overweight = Weighs more than they are supposed to.

Unkept = Messy / Sloppy.

 

I would date an unattractive woman.

I would data an overweight woman. (140lbs isn't bad at all....)

I would not date an unattractive AND overweight woman.

I would not date an overweight and UNKEPT woman.

Additionally, I would not date an unattractive AND UNKEPT woman.

[verhrzn]

Here's a general post as to why you aren't losing weight with being physically active. As you were sure to link a "credible" source, I did as well.

 

Except none of those are true for me. I even took the time to explain that I lift, and I do all of those exercises that aren't vanity and are supposedly "weight busting." I also do them at a heavy level (I bench half my body weight and squat my full weight), not something I could do while "winging it" it.

 

But again, it must be really hard to process that your simplistic view of weight loss (and thus why your judgmental attitude towards fat people as "lazy" is correct) isn't correct, so I guess I should be gentle with you.

 

Oh, and even under your link, it is RECOMMENDED you eat 1200 calories a day as a woman, and lowering that to below 800 calories is when it is considered dangerous to your health. 1500 calories a day, as you eat, is actually over what is recommended for daily intake. So, yes, you are eating over your recommended diet. Working out 3 times a week is likely only keeping off the EXTRA calories you eat, and isn't actually cutting into the fat that is already there.

 

Did you read my links? Apparently not. They say right there that 1400 is recommended, and anything under is starvation. And again, that's suggested calories if you're not doing the kind of exercise I am. I am more than burning the extra 200-300 calories with the kind of exercises I do. The better suggestion might actually be that I should be getting more calories, and by cutting as low as I am may actually be triggering my starvation mode... Oh, sorry, forgot, you totally know everything about my body, life style, and everything there is to know about health. God forbid you just assume I know what I'm talking about after years of studying it.

 

The fact that you complicate something as simple is fitness is laughable.

 

The fact that you think it is "simple" when top academics who study fitness admit it's a complicated, multifaceted area is just plain stupid.

 

Unattractive = Physically unappealing.

Overweight = Weighs more than they are supposed to.

Unkept = Messy / Sloppy.

 

I would date an unattractive woman.

I would data an overweight woman. (140lbs isn't bad at all....)

I would not date an unattractive AND overweight woman.

I would not date an overweight and UNKEPT woman.

Additionally, I would not date an unattractive AND UNKEPT woman.

 

Again, what is your freaking point here? You started this whole thing arguing that I have a "bad attitude" when you continue to confirm what I think; that men make large assumptions about women's looks, aren't attracted to unattractive/overweight women, and that personality doesn't freaking matter in those instances. So what the hell are you arguing?

[verhrzn]

Sure. Lots of men and women marry in their 30s.

 

Isn't that largely 2nd marriages? And I guess I don't see how lots of people getting married in their 30's means that non-judgmental men are the ones who are still out there; how do you know it's not the judgmental men marrying women 10 years their junior?

[xxoo]

Isn't that largely 2nd marriages? And I guess I don't see how lots of people getting married in their 30's means that non-judgmental men are the ones who are still out there; how do you know it's not the judgmental men marrying women 10 years their junior?

 

Americans are getting married later and later. The average age of first marriage in the United States is 27 for women and 29 for men, up from 23 for women and 26 for men in 1990 and 20 and 22 (!) in 1960.

 

Getting Married Later Is Great for College-Educated Women - The Atlantic

 

There is evidence that these later marriages are more successful, as well. The average ages of men and women are still 2 years apart, so I doubt it is mostly older men marrying women 10 years younger.

 

You are NORMAL!

[verhrzn]

Americans are getting married later and later. The average age of first marriage in the United States is 27 for women and 29 for men, up from 23 for women and 26 for men in 1990 and 20 and 22 (!) in 1960.

 

There is evidence that these later marriages are more successful, as well. The average ages of men and women are still 2 years apart, so I doubt it is mostly older men marrying women 10 years younger.

 

You are NORMAL!

 

.... Except I'm 30 and still not married? That's 3 years over the average (and in the Midwest where I live, I suspect the average age is much lower than that...) So... I'm not?...

[xxoo]

.... Except I'm 30 and still not married? That's 3 years over the average (and in the Midwest where I live, I suspect the average age is much lower than that...) So... I'm not?...

 

 

No, you're completely normal to be unmarried at 30. That's average, and includes all the people who married way too young and failed.

 

The trend is for educated people to marry older, and for marriages to be more successful when people are older. This puts you among those who are educated and waiting longer. The difference is that you are not choosing to wait, but they are.

[verhrzn]

No, you're completely normal to be unmarried at 30. That's average, and includes all the people who married way too young and failed.

 

The trend is for educated people to marry older, and for marriages to be more successful when people are older. This puts you among those who are educated and waiting longer. The difference is that you are not choosing to wait, but they are.

 

*Shrugs* Maybe my area (a big city but yeah Midwest) is just weird. The average age for educated women around here to get married is 24-25, and almost none of them are divorced yet at 30. In fact, it always really surprises me to hear that the divorce rate is so high for "young" marriages, as I only know a very small handful of divorced people. I certainly don't feel average or normal. It seems far more that I have failed; at 30, I'm supposed to have a house and begin having kids like everyone else already has.

[xxoo]

I certainly don't feel average or normal. It seems far more that I have failed; at 30, I'm supposed to have a house and begin having kids like everyone else already has.

 

That probably gets to the heart of it.

 

Challenge those assumptions. Is there a reason that one path is success and another is failure? Some wonderful people never marry or have children. And many rotten people marry again and again and again and breed like rabbits. Your worth is not measured by your marital status.

[verhrzn]

That probably gets to the heart of it.

 

Challenge those assumptions. Is there a reason that one path is success and another is failure? Some wonderful people never marry or have children. And many rotten people marry again and again and again and breed like rabbits. Your worth is not measured by your marital status.

 

It's not so much my worth. It's about what I want. I want a house and kids and marriage. I feel weird because everyone else was able to get those things, those things I want, and I am totally incapable of doing so. That's why I'm weird.

[xxoo]

It's not so much my worth. It's about what I want. I want a house and kids and marriage. I feel weird because everyone else was able to get those things, those things I want, and I am totally incapable of doing so. That's why I'm weird.

 

It's not a project or a race. It's a journey. For everyone. Everyone can compare and come up short in one place or another. That makes us unique and human, not weird.

 

What would a house, marriage, and kids mean to you? How would it improve your life?

[verhrzn]

It's not a project or a race. It's a journey. For everyone. Everyone can compare and come up short in one place or another. That makes us unique and human, not weird.

 

What would a house, marriage, and kids mean to you? How would it improve your life?

 

A house would mean I could have 2 dogs without constantly worrying about renting/having to worry about breed-weight restrictions/if the landlord is going to kick me out for some totally normal pet behavior. I could paint the walls and do home improvement projects that I enjoy.

 

Marriage would mean someone to help carry the burdens with, someone to share every day excitement with and have fun conversations with and explore sexy things with. Essentially, a best friend who I also want to bang. Marriage (as opposed to just dating) would mean I get to see the person every day and feel we are committed to each other for the foreseeable future.

 

Children would mean someone I can introduce the world to, someone who I could teach and be taught by, and who I'd get to see grow and mature and learn and experience whole different parts of the world than me.

 

Pretty standard stuff.

[aggie382]

It's not so much my worth. It's about what I want. I want a house and kids and marriage. I feel weird because everyone else was able to get those things, those things I want, and I am totally incapable of doing so. That's why I'm weird.

 

Like xxoo said, it's not a competition. I almost had the things you want, and decided I didn't want them yet. Maybe I'll never find an opportunity again, maybe I will. Either way, it's part of my life experience, and I'm thankful.

[xxoo]

A house would mean I could have 2 dogs without constantly worrying about renting/having to worry about breed-weight restrictions/if the landlord is going to kick me out for some totally normal pet behavior. I could paint the walls and do home improvement projects that I enjoy.

 

You could make this a goal without marriage. We only had one income when we bought our house, anyway!

 

Marriage would mean someone to help carry the burdens with, someone to share every day excitement with and have fun conversations with and explore sexy things with. Essentially, a best friend who I also want to bang. Marriage (as opposed to just dating) would mean I get to see the person every day and feel we are committed to each other for the foreseeable future.

 

Marriage will probably not live up to this expectation. For the lucky few, yes, but for most with high expectations, marriage is a let down after the honeymoon period wears off.

 

Children would mean someone I can introduce the world to, someone who I could teach and be taught by, and who I'd get to see grow and mature and learn and experience whole different parts of the world than me.

 

Pretty standard stuff.

 

Again, this is something you could experience in the meantime through Big Sisters program, being involved in friends' children's lives, etc.

 

Work on the goals you can control, and let go of the things you can not control (such as when you will meet the right guy).

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Except none of those are true for me. I even took the time to explain that I lift, and I do all of those exercises that aren't vanity and are supposedly "weight busting." I also do them at a heavy level (I bench half my body weight and squat my full weight), not something I could do while "winging it" it.

 

But again, it must be really hard to process that your simplistic view of weight loss (and thus why your judgmental attitude towards fat people as "lazy" is correct) isn't correct, so I guess I should be gentle with you.

 

 

 

Did you read my links? Apparently not. They say right there that 1400 is recommended, and anything under is starvation. And again, that's suggested calories if you're not doing the kind of exercise I am. I am more than burning the extra 200-300 calories with the kind of exercises I do. The better suggestion might actually be that I should be getting more calories, and by cutting as low as I am may actually be triggering my starvation mode... Oh, sorry, forgot, you totally know everything about my body, life style, and everything there is to know about health. God forbid you just assume I know what I'm talking about after years of studying it.

 

 

 

The fact that you think it is "simple" when top academics who study fitness admit it's a complicated, multifaceted area is just plain stupid.

 

 

 

Again, what is your freaking point here? You started this whole thing arguing that I have a "bad attitude" when you continue to confirm what I think; that men make large assumptions about women's looks, aren't attracted to unattractive/overweight women, and that personality doesn't freaking matter in those instances. So what the hell are you arguing?

 

You're right. You're the exception to the rule. Fitness doesn't work for you the same it does for the majority of the population.

 

You're right. You're unattractive according to society standards.

 

You're right. You're overweight according to society standards.

 

And yes, my comprehension level is quite grand. In fact, you should re-read the links YOU submitted. Maybe you read it wrong?? I certainly re-read it and have the same understanding. In fact, it states exactly what I said, and not what you said, verbatim...

 

I'll leave this thread with this:

 

It's not so much my worth. It's about what I want. I want a house and kids and marriage. I feel weird because everyone else was able to get those things, those things I want, and I am totally incapable of doing so. That's why I'm weird.

 

You want what society can provide, but you want it on your own terms and not what society will judge you by. Yeah, I have to leave this thread now. I really do wish you the best of luck. You are just as deserving of a house / kids / marriage as much as the next woman. Your beauty and weight do not disqualify from such, but your own view on your beauty and weight will.

 

Good luck.

[Weezy1973]

OP, accepting your claim that you're ugly, that in no way prevents you from getting into a meaningful, long term, healthy, monogamous, relationship.

 

People match up in terms of physical attractiveness; it's just a fact. Whatever you look like, there are people of the opposite sex in your range. It's not like there's some horde of ugly single folks under a bridge somewhere while all the pretties frolic in their married bliss...

 

The fact that some men have called you ugly has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Some boyfriends of beautiful women also insult their girlfriend's looks and it's because the boyfriend is incredibly insecure. Having one's looks insulted by their boyfriend is hardly relegated to ugly people.

[WonderKid]

I am 25 now. And I have learned a LONG time ago is that weight is something that can change. If a woman I like is a little overweight I cannot judge: maybe she is in a stressful storm in her life? Maybe she was injured for a long period of time? The reason I say that I can't do BBWs is because they don't attract me. But I am not repulsed by them or biased against them. There is a partner for everyone regardless of size.

 

And I also am not fond of petites either. Unless they have some kind of thickness to them, somewhere. Some people are just delusional. I can sit here and dream the image of the perfect woman I want, but it is a mere fantasy. And if I find a great woman who has great qualities and personality, I am not going to discard her just for that imaginary ghost woman.

 

I know in society standards, I am not considered a super attractive guy--but that never stopped me. Society may criticize my looks but I don't care. I don't believe I am average. If someone asks me how attractive I think I am, I'll say "I know" I am a 10 and beyond. I'm not going to say otherwise and if they don't like it, **** them. I wasn't put on the planet to please everyone.

If a guy told me I was ugly I would say; I don't give a **** I am not dating you. Call me what you want.

 

If people stop letting society weigh so much on their lives, their self-esteem and confidence wouldn't be so bad.

 

Like I can go down the list of women that passed me up or dumped me and whatnot, and I shake my head. Because some felt that they didn't want to settle for less than they are worth, they missed the very good guy that was right in front of them.

 

When a person says I won't settle for less than I deserve, in many ways it can be self-centered.

[chumble]

I thank you for being nice, but sorry, I don't buy that any of what you said is genuine. Why? Because people in real life treat me as ugly. Because when people describe online what is ugly, they describe me. (I'm 140 pounds at 5'1". I have a big stomach and a flat ass. I have droopy boobs. I have bad skin. All of these have been stressed, over and over, as deeply unattractive and ugly.) You're being nice, which is a good reflection of your character, but there's not always room for insincere kindness.

 

I wasn't being insincere. You look a lot like the last girl I tried to date, and I was excited to be around her.

 

The photos I saw weren't fat. You had nice hips/thighs. Your legs were actually kinda toned, from what I saw. Your stomach (which most people have) was framed by big honking titties. And some of us LIKE droopy boobs. That is what most large real ones do anyway.

 

Anyways, um, I'll quit analyzing your body now.

[verhrzn]

You're right. You're the exception to the rule. Fitness doesn't work for you the same it does for the majority of the population.

 

Actually, I don't think I am. I know many people (and even more online) who exercise and are strong, fit and healthy, but aren't skinny. Check out the link below: several of these women can do yoga poses that require tons of strength and coordination, and yet aren't skinny.

 

http://www.buzzfeed.com/carolynkylstra/curvy-yoga

 

I think there have been "fat healthy" people around for decades, but no one has actually started to pay attention to them until now; easier to assume they were just liars about their exercise/eating habits and reinforce the idea that fat people are just naturally lazy.

 

I know in society standards, I am not considered a super attractive guy--but that never stopped me. Society may criticize my looks but I don't care. I don't believe I am average. If someone asks me how attractive I think I am, I'll say "I know" I am a 10 and beyond. I'm not going to say otherwise and if they don't like it, **** them. I wasn't put on the planet to please everyone.

If a guy told me I was ugly I would say; I don't give a **** I am not dating you. Call me what you want.

 

That's good that it works for you, but if society doesn't genuinely think I'm attractive, I don't want to delude myself into believing something that is false. I'd rather deal with a harsh reality than a nice fantasy.

 

You could make this a goal without marriage. We only had one income when we bought our house, anyway!

 

Holy cow where do you live that you can afford that??

 

And I should be more clear. I could actually afford a house pretty well. It's the down payment I could never swing. Even a matchbox house would cost something like $20K in down payments. That'd take me 10 years at least to save up.

 

Marriage will probably not live up to this expectation. For the lucky few, yes, but for most with high expectations, marriage is a let down after the honeymoon period wears off.

 

Then why the hell do people get married?...

 

And if this is true, then let's go back to my original question. If marriage is really such a terrible let down and everything, then being "settled for" is to be expected, is it not? So everyone saying "Have better self esteem" and "Don't date/marry someone who is just settling!" is also having unrealistic expectations of marriage.

 

 

Again, this is something you could experience in the meantime through Big Sisters program, being involved in friends' children's lives, etc.

 

Eh I admit this kind of advice rubs me the wrong way, because it feels very much like "margarine" when I really want "butter." I don't want to parent other people's kids; I want to have my own kids. I've been a babysitter, a teacher, and it's never hit the same itch.

 

 

Hi Ver! Sorry to thread-jack, Phoe, but I just wanted to respond to this post for a second. I read your other thread about settling and admit that I haven't read anything else you've posted but, I guess this strikes me as an unhealthy attitude. If this is how you truly feel, you're probably broadcasting this to other people. I honestly think you're suffering from poor self esteem in a very deep way. I'm curious...have you ever gone to therapy? Sorry if you've talked about this elsewhere. It makes me sad to think you actually feel this way.

 

Yes I've been to therapy. A couple of times/different therapists. And that's why I can say with confidence.... no, I don't have low self esteem.

 

Cause like I said, I don't think I'm worthless. I don't think I'm valueless as a human being. I think I'm a good person, a good friend, a hard worker. I think I have a lot to offer in my job, in my friendships, in society.

 

But I don't think that's true in dating/relationships. The reason why is because dating requires another person in a way nothing else really does. No one is entitled to a relationship; no one can "hard work" their way into a relationship. You could be the smartest, nicest, prettiest person and still maybe have bad luck at love for all sorts of reasons. You can work at being a better person; you can work at having more marketable skills, and be better at your job, and give to charity more, and volunteer, and all that other stuff.

 

But you can't make someone love you. You can't force someone to find you attractive. These are things completely outside of your control.

 

I have been merely trying to accept how society/others see me. I can't change it; I can't force guys to see me as attractive if they think I'm ugly. So, fine, I'm ugly. If I can't change it, I have to accept it. That doesn't mean I have low self-esteem; it means I respect other people's opinions and I'm not going to sit here and demand anyone loves me just because.