The cops came. ?

[RealConfused]

My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for almost 2. We have our ups and downs and issues, like any other couple.

 

However, there is one huge problem: occasionally our arguments become aggressive. When we have discussions, they usually turn in to debates. We're both opinionated. Two nights ago, my husband and I had a conversation about something incredibly small and simple, but then it turned into an argument. From there, things got heated and we both started raising our voices. Shortly after, my husband got frustrated and took my plate of dinner and threw it across the room. I was so appalled! From that point on, we continued yelling and things did get out of hand. I felt that I was disrespected and so I really wanted to slap him! And I did at one point.

 

During the course of this argument, my husband grabbed me by the wrist, threw me on the couch, briefly choked me (I did not become unconscious), and, in the heat of the moment, punched me in my face.

 

I ultimately called the police. As we live with his mother (we're in a transitional phase due to my husband being unemployed previously), I left the residence and went to my parent's house. I spent the night there two nights in a row thus far.

 

We do have 3 kids together. Over the past couple of days, they have continued to stay at my husband's mom's house because that's where we've lived for over a year now, our eldest child is registered in school at that address, and since we both been working recently, my husband's mother has been our children's babysitter during the day and picks up our eldest from the bus stop.

 

My husband being physical with me happens maybe once or twice a year. When he's not being aggressive towards me, things are great overall. But, I'm reevaluating my life. This is not acceptable. I refuse to deal with that any longer. My husband has sincr apologized and we have both agreeded that a separation would be best for now, not a divorce. I am 24 and he's 26, we've never been separated from each other before over all these years, we're like best friends, sort of.

 

He acknowledges that he has a problem and needs help/time to geg himself together so that he can be a better man.

 

But, I don't know exactly how we can work this out. He's living at his mom's with our 3 kids and I'm temporarily spending nights at my parent's house. What advicd would you give me, as far as ouf living arrangement...should we both move into our own places and do more of long term separation? I've never been separated and I really need advice on my next steps and how I can handle this situation/how we should work out arrangements with our children.

 

Please help.

 

FYI, I'm typing this from my smart phone. Sorry about the typos!

Edited January 17, 2015 by RealConfused

[MJJean]

My advice would be to get a counselor and a lawyer.

 

I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's what I think.

[DivorcedDad123]

First thing I would do is get those kids out of there. If he's aggressive towards you, who do think he's going to take that out on since you've left?

And, if it comes down to divorce, you aren't going to be able to mention any abuse,because the first thing his atty will say is," If he's so abusive,why did you feel comfortable leaving the kids with him?"

[Ralph79]

@RealConfused

I don't mean to make this post about me, but I will post this for the sake of perspective:

 

My ex-wife didn't never loved or respected me. Unlike the majority of people who deal with divorce, I never stood a chance because my exwife from the start thought we would be rich and had an agenda to divorce me within a year, and live off her share. I will describe the top 5 worst things I went through in my marriage:

 

1. After the first 2 years of marriage, she completely belittled me by comparing every aspect of our relationship to that of her exBF on a weekly basis. From my performance in bed (she got flustered simply detailing how good she used to get it), to my personality, to my looks. She ended every comparison by sighing and stating "It's my fault. I was the one that said YES".

 

2. We were expecting a baby 2 years into our marriage. Near our divorce she confessed to having an abortion because she wanted a baby that looked like her exBF. She didn't want to be saddened by looking at an ugly baby. (For the record, I have been told I'm handsome by several women, I'm just really shy and I don't have an Alpha male personality).

 

3. My exwife insulted me everyday by the end of our marriage. Calling me gay, a creep, a loser, "the most boring person on the planet". She would apologize for saying those things citing she was crazy and begged me to ignore those comments. But I had to deal with them none the less the next day.

 

4. My wife left me for months to "find herself". She did. In her arms of her exBF whom she told me she would be back with innevitably one day. She came back months later crying, apologizing, saying I was the best thing to ever happen to her, and that she wanted a chance to be the same for me. Against all my friends advice , I took her back in. I lost my friends from that point on. I threw away the time they invested in me and their help, for her.

 

5. My exwife left me a few months later for good. When we went to see a marriage counselor she confessed that she only told me all that stuff about wanting another chance because things got violent in her house, and that I was the only way out for her. That she needed to make sure I would take her back in no matter what, so she figured the "I'm in love with you speech" would do the trick. She said she was ready to face her problems back in her hometown and wanted to make a 5th attempts to make things with her exBF work. This is where she also confessed her true intentions when we got married. On top of everything I was dealing with family loss at the time. I had a nervous breakdown.

 

 

Now, during all this bull----, I never ONCE raised my hand towards her. I don't want or need recognition for that. I am not scum enough being a Man to EVER hit a woman, no matter how bad she has hurt me. I'm a rational human being and I KNOW violence doesn't get me what I want. I don't want to beat my point of view into someone, I want to reason with them.

 

My point , She was the victim of a really dysfunctional household and she had a history of physical abuse from her father, her brother and the last time I heard from her almost a year ago, she said she was almost raped by someone she was already dating.

 

I chose to stop the cycle of violence in her life. Hitting is unacceptable. Under no circumstances should you take it. That being said, you should never get physical with him either. It has different consequences when the woman is doing the hitting, but by doing so, you are exposing yourself to being attacked.

 

You should both go to therapy because the emotional scars left by physical abuse don't disappear with a simple "I'm sorry".

[tojaz]

He acknowledges that he has a problem and needs help/time to get himself together so that he can be a better man.

 

It sounds like he is open and willing to make changes to strengthen your relationship.

 

Counseling would definitely be the first step. If money is an issue, most counseling centers are able to work with you.

 

In the mean time, having a place to go and being able to control your environment with a short term separation will help a lot. What solutions has he offered?

 

TOJAZ

[Arieswoman]

ReaslConfused,

Your husband is abusive.Period.

 

During the course of this argument, my husband grabbed me by the wrist, threw me on the couch, briefly choked me (I did not become unconscious), and, in the heat of the moment, punched me in my face.

 

This is abuse. ^^^^^

 

Please remove yourself and your children from this environment now.

 

If her promises to work on his issues then that is good. However, you need to stay apart until he can convince you that he can provide a safe environment for you and your children.

 

Good luck.

[Frank13]

I've never hit a woman and don't believe I ever would (words can hurt more). However, if a woman puts herself in a man's position by hitting him, she better expect to be hit back.

[RealConfused]

First thing I would do is get those kids out of there. If he's aggressive towards you, who do think he's going to take that out on since you've left?

And, if it comes down to divorce, you aren't going to be able to mention any abuse,because the first thing his atty will say is," If he's so abusive,why did you feel comfortable leaving the kids with him?"

 

He's an awesome father. He treats our kids well and he's never abused them. I feel completely comfortable with him being around our children.

 

Also, we lived with his mother, so she will be there as well.

 

I honestly don't feel that he would harm our children.

[Ralph79]

He's an awesome father. He treats our kids well and he's never abused them. I feel completely comfortable with him being around our children.

 

Also, we lived with his mother, so she will be there as well.

 

I honestly don't feel that he would harm our children.

 

I'm sorry but an "awesome father" sets a good example to his kids by not letting them see mommy's faced bruised after they have an argument.

 

Regardless of how much they love him.

[Deidre]

Violence is never ever ever ok.

 

 

You both sound out of control with your emotions, and maybe that's because you're not right for one another...hard to say.

 

 

But, looks like you would both be better off without the other in a marriage.

 

 

Any man that asks you to help him become a ''better man'' after hitting you, is manipulative. I was in an abusive relationship, I know how the 'cycle' goes...and abusers don't change. I hate to sound so grim, but it takes A TON of counseling ON THEIR PART...and a will to change ON THEIR OWN, to overcome their abusive ways. You nor your marriage can 'fix' him.

 

 

I'm not unsympathetic to abusers, but your and your kids' safety comes first. He can figure out how to change on his own. My guess is he won't change. So...I'd leave him, and try to heal from this mess on your own.

 

 

Be prepared to get a restraining order if you do leave him, because guys like this usually don't like losing their position of control, when their victims leave them.

 

 

I'm hoping you do what is in your best interest...hugs

[BetrayedH]

Get into marriage counseling and focus on fighting fair. No hitting (of course), no yelling, no swearing, no throwing things, no name-calling, avoid words like "always" and "never."

 

Once you feel that you can trust his commitment to established ground rules for disagreements, move back home.

[clevelander321]

From that point on, we continued yelling and things did get out of hand. I felt that I was disrespected and so I really wanted to slap him! And I did at one point.

 

 

I think some of the posters missed this part..I am guessing she hit him first, then proceeced to call the cops after it turned physical on his part.

 

If I were this guy I would take off immediately, as he can very easily have his life ruined once police are involved.

 

In these reationships I think the best answer is separating.. It is really difficult when both spouses are resorting to physical violence.

[elaine567]

Get into marriage counseling and focus on fighting fair. No hitting (of course), no yelling, no swearing, no throwing things, no name-calling, avoid words like "always" and "never."

 

Once you feel that you can trust his commitment to established ground rules for disagreements, move back home.

 

How can she ever really trust him? This happens approx. 6 monthly and has obviously escalated this time with the pollice being called.

She needs to get out, abusers like this rarely change and next time he chokes and punches her, he could kill her.

 

Move yourself and your kids out and let him sort himself out alone with therapy and an anger management course.

It would not harm you if you also went to IC, to re-evaluate why you stay with a man who hits you and for you to become a stronger, calmer person and to get some boundaries.

 

He hits you because he knows he gets away with it, faced with a 20 stone wall of male muscle, he would not be hitting that would he? The red mist, that many abusers claim affects them, disappears rapidly when faced with stonger opponents, so his aggression is reserved for you, you need to ponder on that.

DO not merely accept his apology and think things will change, because you love him and he is ssooo sorry, they won't.

 

If and only if, he completes the courses and attends therapy and genuinely sees the error of his ways and is willing to work with you in MC, then it may be possible to reconcile your marriage, IF that is what YOU want.

[beach]

Was there drinking/drugs involved in this argument?

If so, can you both never drink/use again?

 

Violence is not ok.

 

Stay separated since the violence should be deemed unacceptable in any relationship.

[scatterd]

You both need counseling and anger management classes. I have been there and I know how bad it hurts and damages the family. Many marriages have a heated up argument once in in a while and say things they do not mean. I believe with help you both can learn to communicate but it will take work on both sides. Your children will benefit to see you both handling things in a healthy way. No other person will treat kids as well as their own parents.If you love each other you can conquer this. I do not think divorce should be the first answer it should be the last. I wish you and your family the best. Big Hugs:bunny:

[BetrayedH]

How can she ever really trust him? This happens approx. 6 monthly and has obviously escalated this time with the pollice being called.

She needs to get out, abusers like this rarely change and next time he chokes and punches her, he could kill her.

 

Move yourself and your kids out and let him sort himself out alone with therapy and an anger management course.

It would not harm you if you also went to IC, to re-evaluate why you stay with a man who hits you and for you to become a stronger, calmer person and to get some boundaries.

 

He hits you because he knows he gets away with it, faced with a 20 stone wall of male muscle, he would not be hitting that would he? The red mist, that many abusers claim affects them, disappears rapidly when faced with stonger opponents, so his aggression is reserved for you, you need to ponder on that.

DO not merely accept his apology and think things will change, because you love him and he is ssooo sorry, they won't.

 

If and only if, he completes the courses and attends therapy and genuinely sees the error of his ways and is willing to work with you in MC, then it may be possible to reconcile your marriage, IF that is what YOU want.

 

How can she ever really trust him?

 

You made some good suggestions. As with other trust issues, it's rebuilt by consistent actions over time. It doesn't sound like she's up for the divorce conversation so she needs (or least wants) suggestions on how to proceed otherwise. I think the separation is wise. I also think IC/anger management for both and marriage counseling is merited.

 

It could be that he's just an abuser. It could also be that neither of them really knows how to fight fair and that they both let things escalate. Fortunately, strategies exists aplenty for that and can be learned.

 

I do believe it would be a mistake for either of them to just accept an apology and move forward. That provides neither with any confidence that there won't be a repeat performance. What they really need is to take some solid actions that show a commitment to this never happening again. A separation may also serve as a good wake-up call for both that there will be life-altering consequences to both the marriage and their children if they don't change their ways. If significant changes and a commitment is made by both, there may be hope for their marriage and they may solve this problem for the long-term. I think that's what the OP wants. Hopefully that's what her husband wants, too.

[Mr. Lucky]

My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for almost 2. We have our ups and downs and issues, like any other couple.

 

However, there is one huge problem: occasionally our arguments become aggressive. When we have discussions, they usually turn in to debates. We're both opinionated. Two nights ago, my husband and I had a conversation about something incredibly small and simple, but then it turned into an argument. From there, things got heated and we both started raising our voices. Shortly after, my husband got frustrated and took my plate of dinner and threw it across the room. I was so appalled! From that point on, we continued yelling and things did get out of hand. I felt that I was disrespected and so I really wanted to slap him! And I did at one point.

 

Very serious situation but, as other have pointed out, impermissible for both of you. You struck him first so you should own your part in fixing this. If there ever was a case of two wrongs, this is it....

 

Mr. Lucky