lynn1954 Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 (edited) Rhetorical and real question: how did I get to be 60 years old and alone? It wasn’t supposed to happen that way! I feel so sad and lonely today, do you have some friendly and hopeful words for me? At one time, I was a happily married woman. Then, my husband found an OW who was much younger than me, and we divorced so he could marry her. As I recovered and tried dating again, one of the men I met was an MM, and I stayed with MM for five years as the OW. He never divorced, I knew the relationship was not healthy, and I ended it. Since then, I’ve tried dating again, looking for a healthy relationship with a nice guy, but I haven’t found someone who’s right for me. I’ve done my “due diligence” of working on myself, improving my physical and emotional health, seeing a therapist, etc. Yes, I have family and friends, but that’s not the same as having a boyfriend or husband. Many times I focus on the blessings of the present day,and I try to have optimistic hope for the future. Today, I’m crying and I feel like such a lonely loser. Edited January 17, 2015 by lynn1954 1 Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 OH Dear Lynn I feel for you I am 53 and husband asked for divorce.I also thought I am to old to start over again. I cry a lot. But I don't care if I have another man once I find my independence and my self and no one will take it away. We need to learn to love our self's and find out who we are. I have been alonely wife for along time plus he is leaving me sick. A man should be a companion and I know you are lonely but why does a man have to be the one to fulfill us. I have children and a family even though its not the same I am loved.I hope you are supported also. Their is not a man in this world that can full-fill the emptiness inside until we can learn to be content being by our selfs. Do you have friends or hobbies that can keep you busy.One day when you are not looking a man will come along, they dont come when your searching. Love yourself and find yourself as I also have to do. Pray to God to help you get where you need to be. Lynn I feel for you and I hope aall your Dreams come true.Big Hugs:bunny: 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Hi Lynn, I'm sorry for your divorce and other break up. Do you have children? Grandchildren? Do you have friends that you can go out with. You do not necessarily need a man if your life is full. When you find yourself in a more secure place you will feel better. Isn't it amazing how we are programmed to always need a man or significant other. But the truth is, is that if we have a few good friends our lives can be full... Good luck? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 I`m buying you a virtual drink. I hope it gets better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Sending you a hug Lynn. Try to keep focusing on the present. I know it's really hard to do that sometimes when you feel like all of the s#&t has hit the fan. I find meditation helps. Hang in there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Lynn, I hope you are being kind to yourself. I can sympathize with you regarding feeling lonely. But like the other poster said, a man should compliment you, not be the reason you are happy. It is easy for me/us to say get busy living life and when you are least expecting it, you will meet someone who you want to spend time with. Are you involved in any clubs or groups? A friend of mine joined this group that does a lot of traveling and has gone to some great places, without a partner, but with friends who enjoyed the experience and the companionship. I am sorry you are hurting today. I hope that tomorrow is a better day for you. When is the last time you did something just for you? Manicure or pedicure? Massage? New shoes? A walk on the beach or in the snow? Sometimes, volunteering will help lift your spirits? Or maybe just an anonymous "pay it forward" type of activity? Take things one day at a time and don't waste any of the life you have left. So glad to know you are done with the MM...that was such an unhealthy dynamic and I am sure it has taken a toll on you emotionally. As trite as it sounds, tomorrow will bring a new day. I hope it is a better day for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 So often, we tie our self-worth up with having a partner. Sometimes I feel that way, too. I miss having someone to share things with, someone to hold and touch. But even though it's not an ideal situation to be on your own, I'd say that it's not necessarily the worst thing, either. I think of all the miserably married people I know and I don't envy them at all. I honestly believe that if you don't sell out and settle for the wrong person, you'll find the right one. Try to enjoy what you have now instead of thinking about how you didn't imagine yourself to be in the here and now and in this situation. A lot of people feel that way about their lives. I'm not saying it should be acceptable to be sad, I'm just saying that sometimes we have to keep it in perspective. Being single means I don't have to discuss my decisions with anyone. It means I can do what I want, when I want. It means I haven't closed my options for someone better. It means I can watch whatever sappy movie I want to, and decorate my bedroom in soft pinks and ivories without threatening a guy's masculinity. And, best of all, it means that I'm not listening to some jerk criticize me or put me down; I'm not compromising on things I really believe in just to keep a bad relationship going; I'm not laying in bed next to a person who makes me feel more alone than actually being alone; I'm not worrying about why my lousy partner takes me for granted and wondering about whether he's cheating on me or not. You can get comfortable with being alone. I know it's not always easy, but few things ever are. It's not easy being married all the time, either. And you're never too old or never too far along in life to find someone new. Be the person you enjoy being and you'll learn to be mostly happy on your own. If you find someone -- that's great. If you don't, you know it's not the end of the world. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Lynn If you had not spent the five years with him you might still feel the same way. If you have your health and can pay your bills , a relationship will come when your least expect it and now that your emotions are not tied to a MM you will have room in yourself to enter another relationship . Take care of yourself and stay connected to your friends 1 Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I'm sorry Lynn. Big hug for you. I hope you meet the man you deserve. I hope you find happiness. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Hello Lynn, Your story and mine might be the same, except my husband died... apart from that pretty much the same. I dumped MM 7 months ago. I now live a happy, calm, pleasant life. I have no worries, except what to have for dinner tonight. Overall, it's pretty good.Not very exciting but not a dysfunctional mess. I miss MM from time to time because 5 years is a long time to have a person in your life. Oh and I'm 67. I have family although they are busy with their own lives. I find at my age, there are no eligible men to be had... they are either married, dead or real drop kicks who haven't go their lives together. The window of opportunity does become smaller as we get older. People have said to me that I will find somebody when I least expect it too. I look at the candidates and think I'd rather not. I am intelligent, professional, well educated and independent. I have gotten myself around the world a few times and enjoy travel. I'm working on making some new friends. I understand when you have been married along time like we were, it is a big adjustment. Eventually I started to relish the freedom I have. If I don't want to have dinner at 7,I'll have it at 9. Leave the dishes, do whatever pleases . This is OUR TIME FOR OURSELVES and I am sure we have both earned it. Keep busy, keep in touch with friends, family and acquaintances.... very important for you. PM me if you like. Warm wishes, Poppy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I learned a long time ago that life is not about marriage and life is not about men. It is difficult to adjust to that way of thinking and living when everyone around us subscribes to the idea that you have to be married or in a relationship. People are scared and miserable alone, but you don't have to be. You can live a full and happy life without a man and, in fact, are meant to. Whether you have to learn this lesson at age 29, 59, or 79, at some point in life you are going to be without a man. This lesson came to me at 30. For you, 60. I have never had the opportunity to be happily married, whereas you have. Should I live my life lamenting that I have never found someone I want to marry? You can continue to feel bad or sorry for yourself or you can turn it around and choose to see the statement about the person you married having gone for a divorce and new marriage differently. What happened to all the years of happiness? Were they for nothing? The only way to sum them up is to think "Oh, I was happy once and now that that is gone I am unhappy?" No, that is not the only way of looking at it. Life gave you a WONDERFUL gift, a wonderful opportunity, and you enjoyed it. Now life has given you another wonderful gift but you are not enjoying it because you are still stuck lamenting the "loss" of the first gift. Happiness comes not when you have what you think you want. Happiness comes when you DECIDE that you are going to be happy with what you have. A man is not an object, any more than a woman is. They are not possessions. He was never YOUR anything. He simply made a choice long ago to live with you in a bonded relationship. Then he made a choice not to. People get married and all of a sudden believe they actually OWN a person. But you never do. People are free agents. Did you leave this man a better man than what he was when you met him? Did he help you to become a better woman? How fortunate you both were given the opportunities to do so. Did he leave you to take from you and give to someone else that which he had given to you? No. He left you to have new experiences, that is all. Now it is time for everyone to grow. That is why he left, dear lynn1954, to open up your life to a new YOU. She is there, and she is happy, you just haven't found her yet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I am sorry you feel alone lynn...dating is hard at any age......its often disconcerting especially when you are a genuine person....... my mum is 67 she dated a while after separating from my step father....only a couple fo years....and she packed it in...she lives with my younger sis who i also single has been for quite a while...... and then theres me....dated on and off ....wouldnt say no to a gentleman who i felt something for....but dont want to just date for the sake of dating so i havent dated in a while i find it actually hard to feel something more for any guy other than friendship......since the break up fo a fiteen year relationship...i have felt really for one guy since then....never dated him though..... so i have pets and kids to occupy me....i have my prayers and dreams and hopes to keep me company when i am alone....i have my books my poetry and my mum has her beloved garden and google.....my sister loves her pets....as does my mum.....i have a bucket list that could fill a swimming pool to do i want to take up a dance class i want to start swimming again take a poetry class, swim with sharks lose weight...make my own clothes ok that is a stretch seeing i am not a good sewer......theres things i do with my church that i want to continue doing and i want my family to be happy.....they are all important to me......i would love to have someone to share my dreams and hopes and wishes with.....someone who i can talk about them with late at night when its hot and i cant sleep ....if it was meant for me to have that someone it will happen...if not...life is out there...so many things i could do or be or have......same with you lyn...never too old to start lynn....i am sorry you are feeling blue.....it wont always feel that way.......thats the best i can say......big hugs ......from me to you....deb there are the three of us ....all single women two generations..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lynn1954 Posted January 18, 2015 Author Share Posted January 18, 2015 WOW, I'm saying thank you, thank you, thank you to every one of you who sent me such well-written, thoughtful, caring and worthwhile messages. I've read and re-read all the advice, sympathy, points of view, hopefulness and wisdom. In fact, I'm going to read 'em all again after I write this response! I do feel better today. Not magically; it's just that some days I feel sad and tearful like I did when I wrote my message. Other days I feel stronger about facing challenges and "working on" happiness and peace of mind. Some days, I even feel happiness and peace of mind without even trying, it just happens! Now that's a great feeling, and believe me, I notice those days, appreciate them, and say a prayer of thanks. Speaking of thanks, once again, THANK YOU to everyone who answered and helped me to feel better at one of my sad times. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 We all have sad days. I am glad you posted about yours. I needed to read what you shared to remind myself that I need to he grateful every day for what God has given me. My life has been very difficult lately and I am not the type of person who shares that information with others. We are all struggling. I hope you have true happiness soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 WOW, I'm saying thank you, thank you, thank you to every one of you who sent me such well-written, thoughtful, caring and worthwhile messages. I've read and re-read all the advice, sympathy, points of view, hopefulness and wisdom. In fact, I'm going to read 'em all again after I write this response! I do feel better today. Not magically; it's just that some days I feel sad and tearful like I did when I wrote my message. Other days I feel stronger about facing challenges and "working on" happiness and peace of mind. Some days, I even feel happiness and peace of mind without even trying, it just happens! Now that's a great feeling, and believe me, I notice those days, appreciate them, and say a prayer of thanks. Speaking of thanks, once again, THANK YOU to everyone who answered and helped me to feel better at one of my sad times. If you are beginning to have those days of well being, they will continue to come. Imagine when you feel like that all the time??? Keep positive and just enjoy what you have... every day is a bonus. Poppy Link to post Share on other sites
Jesuischarlie Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I am also alone Lynn but you can be more alone with someone you don't love. Link to post Share on other sites
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