"Be happy by yourself first" = the biggest lie.

[Ethan78]

We all have different starting points. Someone who is single and had a happy childhood might be happier on their own than someone who didn't. Relationships help people accept themselves and improve themselves. What's wrong with that?

 

Yes, people should have hobbies, friends etc. I have not had a relationship and I think anyone who compares being single for a period of time to battling with a more profound unhappiness is unable to appreciate what their life would be like if they had never had acceptance from anyone.

[CripplingMe]

Been there done that. And it almost ended in my suicide. ONE NIGHT with a couple of escorts and my life was changed dramatically. I didn't realize it until the next week, but one weekend of hot sex had all but cured a five year depression. I believe the need for sex is fundamental to happiness; at least for some of us. IN FACT, I have discovered that if push comes to shove, sex is more important than love. I can live without love but living without sex for too long is intolerable.

 

 

 

 

Happiness is what I have felt every moment that I'm with my sb. I would go farther and describe the first year at total bliss. I had never known true bliss before that.

 

 

 

No one can be happy all the time. But I have learned that happiness doesn't just come along. You have to make it a goal. As for intimacy, as it turns out, sex with a good friend will get you through the night.

 

 

We all want love. But the need for human touch is I believe more fundamental.

 

Sex with a good friend? Are you kidding? There is a reason why they are a friend. No attraction/chemistry.

 

I'm one of them ones that prefers sex in a relationship. Im not one for having one night stands or FWB - I seek intimacy in my relationships.

[Eternal Sunshine]

That saying is BS.

 

I have always been the happiest on my own. In fact, the longer I spend on my own, the more content I feel and the less I need a relationship. That should have relationships falling into my lap right? Not the case at all!

 

I have never experienced the type of inner peace that I have when I am single, in any relationship. The only reason why I seek relationships is because deep down I want society's approval. I get sad when people say that being married is what's considered "normal" and I can feel their looks of "what's wrong with you?". I don't openly judge their desperation marriage to anyone that will have them, so please don't judge me. Or at least learn to hide it.

 

Personally, I have had a really happy childhood full of unconditional love and stability. In fact, it's almost like I am less inclined to seek it in a relationship because it's something I have already experienced. I have noticed that people from unhappy or broken homes are more likely to seek romantic relationships and jump from one to other, in an attempt to find the type of love they never experienced. On some level, we all seek duality in life.

[MrNate 2.0]

No lie, that's the truth. Just because you can't understand something doesn't mean it's stupid.

 

Correct.

 

If you're miserable just because you don't have someone there at night, that doesn't sound like a life I'd (or hopefully anyone) want to be a part of.

 

It's natural to seek someone else. However there's a difference between someone investing in themselves until that time comes, and sitting around in pity because you're single.

Edited January 19, 2015 by MrNate 2.0

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree that being happy without a romantic partner is worth striving for, but I'm always happier overall when in a relationship than when single. The physical affection alone makes a dramatic difference to my well-being. After a while of being single (like now), it feels like my body actually starts to hurt from not getting physical affection. When I got to that point in the past, I lowered my standards just so I could get the physical part. I feel like I've matured beyond that - but sometimes I'm tempted to lower my standards again because I miss the affection so much.

[writergal]

So you wait until you are 100% happy by yourself to start dating? 50%?

 

I think you can make someone happy even when you are not entirely content by yourself and with yourself. If you have the need to make someone particular happy then you have it, regardless of your inner state. It depends on how you handle these gaps, instead of being perfectly "clean". People are more complex than this kind of quotes imply.

 

Exactly! It's really impossible to be 100% happy by yourself when humans get their emotional needs met by others. You cannot met your own emotional needs, that's not how connection works with others, which is why I think that quote invalidates connection and misleads people into some silly self-help propaganda that you have to be perfect to be perfect for someone else. Guess what? Perfection doesn't exist. Perfection of self-love doesn't exist.

 

One of the basic rules of the universe is that perfection doesn't exist. Absolutely everything is imperfect. Everything that exists has flaws. I wish people could admit this truth to themselves, then there'd be a lot less need for all that self-help hoopla about making yourself happy being alone, before you can be good enough to be with another person. It's just ridiculous.

 

What about the fact that people act as mentors, as guides, facilitators to others to help them better themselves? When you are in a relationship with someone, you each bring strengths and weaknesses to the relationship. Yet, you can learn from each other based on those strengths and weaknesses. You can become happier with yourself, when you are with people who nurture your inner growth.

 

Listen, plants don't water themselves people. Plants rely on rain for nourishment and growth, the same way people rely on healthy relationships with other people for nourishment and growth. You buy a plant, you have to water it to keep it alive. You buy a pet, you have to feed it to keep it alive. Are you going to tell me that a plant or pet has to love itself to stay alive? People require connections with others to feel happy.

 

Be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else? Totally disagree with that sentiment.

Edited January 19, 2015 by writergal

[me85]

This is precisely the type of thinking that is responsible for the vast majority of society "pushing" for relationships and criticizing those who aren't in relationships.

 

I can't tell you how many looks of "ya right" I get when I tell people that I'm happy single. And actually, I'm happiest as single.

 

It's disturbing how many people think that someone else is responsible for making themselves happy. That's no one's job but your own.

 

You absolutely do need to learn how to be happy on your own so that you are not codependent in your relationship. A couple is supposed to live together and love each other, not rely on each other to be happy. We rely on our spouse to support us & make us feel loved not happy. Happiness is not a feeling. It's a state of being...it's hard to put into words but it's not like feeling nervous or excited...people use the word happy it to describe a feeling when it's not a feeling at all. I don't care what the dictionary says. It's much more than just a feeling.

 

How else do you explain a person leaving another person who was good to them but they claim that even though that other person loved them very much and did everything right in the RS, they still weren't happy. Because no one can "make" someone happy, either they are or they're not.

Edited January 19, 2015 by me85

[jphcbpa]

solitude....alone and not lonely. IMO, you have to learn to be both independent and interdependent. Perhaps being independent comes first?

[lino]

It's just one of those things people say to try and sound helpful and caring and pat themselves on the back.

 

99% of the time the people saying it have never gone any substantial period single (several years plus) and don't actually know what it's like to be alone.

 

I always found it kind of insulting for people like that to hand out such advice without knowing what it's like to GENUINELY be alone.

 

My relationship now is the only genuine one I've ever had and it took me 27 years to find. I wouldn't give it up to be single even for a billion dollars.

[NGC1300]

This is precisely the type of thinking that is responsible for the vast majority of society "pushing" for relationships and criticizing those who aren't in relationships.

 

That wasn't my point at all. I don't think anyone needs to feel an obligation to be in a relationship.

 

The point, and maybe I should have clarified, is that few people in society can be happy and content while perpetually single. And by that I mean years and years.

 

Yes there are plenty of exceptions, but for the majority, no.

[NGC1300]

It's just one of those things people say to try and sound helpful and caring and pat themselves on the back.

 

99% of the time the people saying it have never gone any substantial period single (several years plus) and don't actually know what it's like to be alone.

 

Exactly.

 

 

.....

[NGC1300]

I have never experienced the type of inner peace that I have when I am single, in any relationship. The only reason why I seek relationships is because deep down I want society's approval.

 

Now this is an interesting post.

 

You don't want affection from men (or women)????

 

No offense, but it doesn't sound fair to any potential partner that the only reason you're with them is to win society's approval.

[MrNate 2.0]

This is precisely the type of thinking that is responsible for the vast majority of society "pushing" for relationships and criticizing those who aren't in relationships.

 

I can't tell you how many looks of "ya right" I get when I tell people that I'm happy single. And actually, I'm happiest as single.

 

It's disturbing how many people think that someone else is responsible for making themselves happy. That's no one's job but your own.

 

You absolutely do need to learn how to be happy on your own so that you are not codependent in your relationship. A couple is supposed to live together and love each other, not rely on each other to be happy. We rely on our spouse to support us & make us feel loved not happy. Happiness is not a feeling. It's a state of being...it's hard to put into words but it's not like feeling nervous or excited...people use the word happy it to describe a feeling when it's not a feeling at all. I don't care what the dictionary says. It's much more than just a feeling.

 

How else do you explain a person leaving another person who was good to them but they claim that even though that other person loved them very much and did everything right in the RS, they still weren't happy. Because no one can "make" someone happy, either they are or they're not.

 

Damn.

 

Just like that.

 

/thread

[MrNate 2.0]

Now this is an interesting post.

 

You don't want affection from men (or women)????

 

No offense, but it doesn't sound fair to any potential partner that the only reason you're with them is to win society's approval.

 

That's the effect social media sites and the like have on people. It always makes you feel one step behind.

 

That's why it's important to be grounded in yourself and your own happiness.

[me85]

Damn.

 

Just like that.

 

/thread

 

Thanks Nate! Hopefully I'll be forgiven for the typos. /= I was typing pretty fast in a "heated" moment.

[NGC1300]

That's the effect social media sites and the like have on people. It always makes you feel one step behind.

 

That's why it's important to be grounded in yourself and your own happiness.

 

I don't want a woman because someone on Facebook has one. I need only walk in public and see that many men indeed have women.

 

I want a woman because affection is the only thing I don't have in my life. I do plenty, have accomplished enough, and have hobbies and sources of fulfillment. But affection is absent. The longer I go without it, the less empathy I even have for people. It's sometimes frightening.

[me85]

But affection is absent. The longer I go without it, the less empathy I even have for people. It's sometimes frightening.

 

I can relate to this. But that's a whole different topic entirely.

 

You're happy just lonely for affection. There's a big difference between lonely and unhappy but most people don't see it that way. They lump the 2 together. They lump love and happiness together as if one has to have the other to be complete.

 

A person can be unhappy and not be lonely same as a person can be happy but lonely.

[Phoe]

It's just one of those things people say to try and sound helpful and caring and pat themselves on the back.

 

99% of the time the people saying it have never gone any substantial period single (several years plus) and don't actually know what it's like to be alone.

 

I always found it kind of insulting for people like that to hand out such advice without knowing what it's like to GENUINELY be alone.

 

My relationship now is the only genuine one I've ever had and it took me 27 years to find. I wouldn't give it up to be single even for a billion dollars.

 

Nah.

 

I've gone through several years of singledom, have spent the majority of my life single and not dating, have rarely dated at all, and I mean it when I say that being happy and content with myself and by myself, is an important thing to me.

 

I don't "hand out such advice" to others, but I practice it for myself, while GENUINELY knowing what it's like to be completely alone.

[carhill]

I thought I knew what happiness 'by yourself' meant but, until I got married and divorced, nah, I was clueless even though, at that point, I had been single for most of the 20 years prior to being married and thought I had been happy. Real joy settled in after getting divorced; the kind that relishes each moment of life.

 

As things are today, I feel joy is a gift best shared and one must feel it to share it; if the joy bank is completely withdrawn, there's nothing to share. I'm not talking necessarily about romantic relationships but rather sharing joy in general, with family, friends and people on the street.

 

One area I have noticed change, aligning with overdrawing the joy bank, is I have less tolerance for those who purposely or incidentally mess with my joy. They get erased a lot more quickly than in the past. All of life's associations are voluntary and we each have the amazing gift of choice. Make 'em count, whether that's 'out there' or simply being alone. Having done both, and the latter for nearly five years now, I'm content with either way. It's a great place in life to be, IMO.

[MrNate 2.0]

I don't want a woman because someone on Facebook has one. I need only walk in public and see that many men indeed have women.

 

I want a woman because affection is the only thing I don't have in my life. I do plenty, have accomplished enough, and have hobbies and sources of fulfillment. But affection is absent. The longer I go without it, the less empathy I even have for people. It's sometimes frightening.

 

It's natural to hyper glamorize the things we don't have. I guess that's why so many are unhappy today- continually chasing the next thing they think will put the puzzle together.

 

One day you'll understand why that is not the end all, be all.

 

Either way, good luck.

Edited January 20, 2015 by MrNate 2.0

[regine_phalange]

So, I guess this should apply to every human interaction such as friendship. Why would we treat a romantic relationship different than a friendly relationship and give them a different "weight"? If you search very deep they both are similar in their ultimate form -> a family like bond in both cases. Isolation and finding one's self like a monk is key to "be better"? For me its not, I've done this, and believe me, it doesn't work as well as engaging with people, both romantically and unromantically. It's better, even in the form of a failed relationship or friendship, at least then you have some form of feedback and a chance to work harder with yourself. Writergirl wrote a great post, if there was a favourite button I'd use it!

[MrNate 2.0]

So, I guess this should apply to every human interaction such as friendship. Why would we treat a romantic relationship different than a friendly relationship and give them a different "weight"? If you search very deep they both are similar in their ultimate form -> a family like bond in both cases. Isolation and finding one's self like a monk is key to "be better"? For me its not, I've done this, and believe me, it doesn't work as well as engaging with people, both romantically and unromantically. It's better, even in the form of a failed relationship or friendship, at least then you have some form of feedback and a chance to work harder with yourself. Writergirl wrote a great post, if there was a favourite button I'd use it!

 

I guess it goes back to the 'to each his own' saying.

 

What hasn't worked for you has been an absolute Godsend for me.