My Ex-boyfriend has opened a pof dating site account?!

[Louise2817]

Basically he is my ex and we got back in contact just before Xmas. It's all a bit complicated but I suspect him of cheating whilst we were together, and when we split up we were in the process of getting back together and he gave me up to go with another woman. His nana has just died so in have tried to be there for him recently. I went round there last night and he was showing me his phone and I saw he had the plenty of fish app..he couldn't deny it so he said he'd just been looking about..well of course this made a huge bad atmosphere and I was expected to drop the subject which I did. When he was at the toilet I looked at his phone and saw his profile, it said he was looking for a relationship etc..although no messages had been exchanged. After a while I couldn't help myself and I made a remark I said I feel like he's just looking for someone else and using me until something better comes along. Well he told me to get out his house and never call him again...my taxi wasn't due for an hour so I had to walk the streets in the dark for a while and he's never texted since. Also I realised something else later, I once caught him in a sex hookup site and he said it was his mate not him and denied all knowledge..but his username was the same. Am I right in thinking he's not to be trusted? Even though he hadn't messaged anyone the intention was there I think.

Edited January 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited title to reflect the reality of the post

[ExpatInItaly]

First, it would be more accurate to change the title of your thread to: "EX-boyfriend had opened a pof dating site account."

 

While it's painful, given that you're no longer a couple he is allowed to be using dating sites if he chooses. You and he are clearly in vastly different places regarding your future: you're evidently thinking of reconciliation, he is obviously interested in meeting new girls. And yes, he may be keeping you around until he meets someone who catches his eye. Only you can decide if you're willing to be his security blanket. I would consider this former relationship well and truly over.

[Louise2817]

I see what you mean..I don't know how to refer to him to be honest.guess he is my ex but he's the one who's been pursuing me trying to get things started again. I just don't see why he would when he's obviously just waiting for someone else to come along. Yes it hurts.

[CarrieT]

I just don't see why he would when he's obviously just waiting for someone else to come along. Yes it hurts.

That's the point.

 

He is using you until something "better" (i.e., different) comes along.

 

Don't let him get away with it. He is an EX for a reason; keep it that way.

[crackerjax9]

Yea move on he's using you and you don't need that

[Conners]

I mean this in the nicest way possible....

 

Get some self respect and move on.

[kendahke]

Basically he is my ex and we got back in contact just before Xmas. It's all a bit complicated but I suspect him of cheating whilst we were together, and when we split up we were in the process of getting back together and he gave me up to go with another woman. His nana has just died so in have tried to be there for him recently. I went round there last night and he was showing me his phone and I saw he had the plenty of fish app..he couldn't deny it so he said he'd just been looking about..well of course this made a huge bad atmosphere and I was expected to drop the subject which I did. When he was at the toilet I looked at his phone and saw his profile, it said he was looking for a relationship etc..although no messages had been exchanged. After a while I couldn't help myself and I made a remark I said I feel like he's just looking for someone else and using me until something better comes along. Well he told me to get out his house and never call him again...my taxi wasn't due for an hour so I had to walk the streets in the dark for a while and he's never texted since. Also I realised something else later, I once caught him in a sex hookup site and he said it was his mate not him and denied all knowledge..but his username was the same. Am I right in thinking he's not to be trusted? Even though he hadn't messaged anyone the intention was there I think.

 

He was your ex. You two had not come to an agreement to be back in a relationship, so he's free to post his profile on any site and look for whomever he wishes.

 

His grandmother dying wasn't an invite to you to resume your relationship. It appears from what you wrote that you took it upon yourself to re-insert yourself back into his life. He wasn't using you if you agreed to go make yourself and your sex available to him. It became a matter of using for you when you realized he didn't want what you wanted... but no conversation had been had to let you know unequivocally that he wanted a committed relationship with you again.

 

As to who cannot be trusted--he's your ex, not your current boyfriend. He was doing nothing wrong by behaving like a single man. No, the person who cannot be trusted appears to be you--you can't be in the same room as his cell phone and leave it alone. You invaded his privacy--mainly because you proceeded everywhere here on the assumption--in the absence of a declaration of intent--that you two were getting back together.

[No Limit]

Stay away from exes. You'll save yourself a lot of trouble.

[orangetree]

Your ex is a jerk. While you were broken up he had the right to sign up for dating sites, but now that you're in a relationship again he should have deleted everything. And even if he forgot, he completely overreacted. I mean what an ass- When you asked him about the account he should have apologized and said that he's going to delete it and that he created it in the time you were' together (unless he's a really big ass and created it while you were together) and not kick you out in the middle of the night.

 

Be glad that you lost him- Now you can be happy without a potential cheater and look for someone who doesn't treat you like crap.

[kendahke]

Your ex is a jerk. While you were broken up he had the right to sign up for dating sites, but now that you're in a relationship again he should have deleted everything.

 

From OP's first post:

Basically he is my ex and we got back in contact just before Xmas. It's all a bit complicated but I suspect him of cheating whilst we were together, and when we split up we were in the process of getting back together and he gave me up to go with another woman. His nana has just died so in have tried to be there for him recently.

 

She assumed that because he let her come around him after his grandmother died that they were back together. Nowhere in her post does it say that he'd asked her to come back to a relationship.

[Louise2817]

For your information, he got in touch with me almost two months ago and has been the one texting and calling me every day and We had begun seeing each other for the past month now. His nana died last week and he called me after it happened and asked for support and also he invited me to his house on Friday and I obliged because I care for him and I know he has nobody else around ( he lived with his nana), also I have not been there to give him any sex either. He has completely given me the impression of wanting to rekindle our relationship ok nothing has been officially said but texts and calls and meetings for the past two months does suggest an interest in reconciliation in my opinion.

[No Limit]

No, it suggests using someone for your "rough times" only to vanish later on. You can't seriously say that he has no other friends or family members at all who could have supported him instead of you. You polished his ego and now your use has come to an end.

[Lion Heart]

I've read this whole thread till above & I really feel for you. You're in pain right now but is it as much pain as you were in when you had your FIRST D Day? I assume it would be similar but not as bad right now.

You've had a few more D Days recently.

But this time you still hung around. Why? I assume because you have justified things to yourself. Yes he phoned in a difficult time. Had he phoned before? Had he done EVERYTHING a cheating partner has to do for your recovery?

As you said he didn't have any replies to his dating website .... yet. He wanted ANYONE not necessarily you (sorry) but when there wasn't anyone else he remembered you. You were already "prepped and ready for him". He knew that. You have been (past tense) his soft fall, his security blanket. He knew you'd come a running and that's exactly what you did.

Could anyone else have comforted him? Yes but he hasn't found her yet. You'll be out in the cold again. He's pushing you away but you keep going back? Ask yourself why?

He used you IN your relationship and you've allowed him to use you OUTSIDE of a relationship too now.

This is your opportunity girlfriend, cut and run!

 

You are getting the best advice here on LS because we can see the forest for the trees. You can too.

Keep posting. You may need more support to break free and deal with things but it's over. It's been over for a long time. You're just a stepping stone till he gets the next 1, 2 or 15 women on the website.

Harsh but true.

 

Lion Heart

[Louise2817]

Honestly he has no family members who will be there for him he's on bad terms with everyone there has been that way for years. But it's not my job to be there I guess.

I don't feel too down in a way, I've felt worse in the past I think that's because it's happened lots in the past too. Really all this has been going on for too long a clean break should have been made in the first instance. It's all become unhealthy. No, Lionheart, in all honesty he has done nothing to try to reassure me that things have changed he has simply expected me to act as though nothing has happened. He has even suggested he only went elsewhere because I acted as though I didn't care about him, he's never apologised. While we were together I found him on a sex hookup site too, at the time I believed his excuse but now I guess I was a fool. I suppose I came here with the question because I feel confused and also he makes me feel guilty somehow and I feel it's ny fault in a way. Like because he is bereaved I should not be making arguments?!

I agree though, it's time to walk away.

[bathtub-row]

Louise, he's just bad news all the way around. For him to tell you to leave his house like that is just ridiculous. I know it's nice to think we can rekindle things, I think he just likes to chase. Once he catches you, he gets bored. Please don't fall for his games again. That's all it is for him, just a game.

 

I'm sorry, though. I know stuff like this really hurts.

[Louise2817]

Yeah it does hurt. I think he would only have a relationship with me on his terms he won't listen if he is ever challenged, hence the argument the other night. It was the cause of our original breakup in the long run if I didn't do what he liked thèred be trouble. I don't think he thinks ge even did any wrong in cheating to start with, he said it was my fault he looked elsewhere.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yeah it does hurt. I think he would only have a relationship with me on his terms he won't listen if he is ever challenged, hence the argument the other night. It was the cause of our original breakup in the long run if I didn't do what he liked thèred be trouble. I don't think he thinks ge even did any wrong in cheating to start with, he said it was my fault he looked elsewhere.

 

And you really question whether he is trustworthy?

[kendahke]

For your information, he got in touch with me almost two months ago and has been the one texting and calling me every day and We had begun seeing each other for the past month now. His nana died last week and he called me after it happened and asked for support and also he invited me to his house on Friday and I obliged because I care for him and I know he has nobody else around ( he lived with his nana), also I have not been there to give him any sex either. He has completely given me the impression of wanting to rekindle our relationship ok nothing has been officially said but texts and calls and meetings for the past two months does suggest an interest in reconciliation in my opinion.

 

It's neither here nor there if you haven't given up any sex. He knows how to hook you and you're thrashing on his line. Until you invaded his privacy, it was only a matter of time before he was in again.

 

I'm still not reading anywhere where he articulated to you in plain English "Louise, I'm sorry for how I treated you. I was wrong. Please forgive me. Will you give me a second chance so we can make this work? I miss having you in my life".

 

THAT and only that says his intention is to get back together with you in a relationship. Don't get it twisted. Whatever impression he gave you was to get next to the pink--convenient pink at that. Texts and calls say "come over and service me because I know you are willing to do that and I don't have to bust a sweat over it". Why do you think it was so easy for him to throw you out of his house in the middle of the night? If his intention was to rekindle anything with you, he would not have done that.

 

No one with good sense treats a treasure like trash.

 

You assumed, without having a really direct discussion with him, that he wanted exactly what you wanted. He doesn't. He has shown you that you were wrong on that point. He just didn't want to be by himself and there was no one else on deck yet; he knew he could crook his finger and you'd come running.

 

It is what it is.

Edited January 19, 2015 by kendahke

[kendahke]

Showing you the pof app on his phone was the perfect opportunity for you to engage your dignity and grace and begin a direct discussion with him on his expectations and intentions as far as you and a rekindled relationship were concerned. Instead, you opted for deceit and decided to invade his privacy when his back was turned. That blew any serious consideration of getting back together out to the Oort cloud.

[Lion Heart]

Please remember IMO alot of people being hurt (usually over and over again) by Cheaters are not fools.

You, me and all of us are BRAVE! We had the courage to invest our hearts in one monogamous relationship - or so we thought.

We had the courage to take the risk, enter and create.

IMO cheating people are total cowards. Grrr (that's my Lions growl). They are weak. They are spineless creatures and I wish they had their own world entirely so we'd be safe and they'd only ever get their own medicine over and over again.

they're not brave. They're immature and selfish. Having other women lined up as back ups left right and center in the fear of what? Being alone? Being exposed as frauds then having to quickly move on to the next one? It's a comical circus. Pathetic and ridiculous.

People like us are generous, kind and caring. Look at how much you exposed yourself for a a second chance! If life experiences haven't taught you everything you need to know on the subject (and we all know we know nothing when it happens to us!), then read alot here on ls.

If we all learnt from others' experiences how wise would be!

How few times would we make the same experiences? Much fewer. But should that destroy our chances of meeting a person that deserves us? I should hope not!

We gather wisdom here.

We grow ourselves up more.

And as I told my 6 children in the moment it happened to the 7 of us just before Christmas "we're Phoenixes, we rise from the ashes and we SOAR! Then with our wings spread wide, high up in the sky we look down and say 'good riddance to bad rubbish'"

Yeah could've been more eloquent as I hugged my sobbing twins but I was upset.

You do this.

Get ALL the help you need now.

It's right here 24/7 no closing on Christmas or NYD. Always here.

Join any support groups or get a good counsellor.

Work fast now because your new man is trying to find you and he won't recognize you right now.

You want the best you that you can be.

Cry, vent, talk, write & work through this now. Get the gorgeous happy girl back! Write, draw, create your new life (goals) and tick that list.

This has made you stronger. You're nobody's fool, you're brave.

Lion Heart

[Lion Heart]

What the???

So now its your fault he looked somewhere else?

What a crock of sh**!

Yeah right so you've got remote control access to his eyes now? Wow you're a magical creature! Ha ha what a joke.

(I keep making typos sorry)

I've just gotta give you a laugh right now. They draw us into their circus (some Lions eat their trainers!).

 

Within 30 mins of getting home on my D Day. I phoned my mil.

WH mother. Just to let her know that he'll be living there if he didn't go to his lovers house instead.

Ofcourse she blamed me for my husband's cheating. I said "I'm sorry to inform you but I wasn't even there! So now I drove my husband TO his lovers house unzipped his work trousers and put his p (little p) in her *** a few thousand times? Wow I'm super clever because I didn't know directions to her house."

Who's responsibility is it to control ones eyes, ears and private parts? The person who owns them.

 

Cheaters make choices. Who do they blame? EVERYONE ELSE BUT THEMSELVES.

 

Most children (given good parenting) will not blame others when they're caught with their hand is in the cookie jar by I reckon EIGHT YEARS OLD at the latest. They're caught! No one else is around to blame. They know they're caught and then the ones that may trust the parent who caught them ask "may I have a cookie? " sure you only had to ask. From then on they ask.

 

He knew the boundaries of your first relationship.

He's been caught.

He's blaming someone else for his own actions.

He's developmentally younger than 8yo. IMO ONLY

 

You don't want to be someone's mother (yet) and when you do, you'll sure as he** will want to be married to a man.

 

Sending roaring strength to you RIGHT NOW

 

Lion Heart

[Louise2817]

Thank you, Lion Heart. As of yesterday there have been some new developments which have made me realise what a malicious individual he is, he has tried to cause a lot of trouble for me. It has taken this, as well as everyone's sage advice, to make me realise the person who he is and to be grateful to be rid of him. My feelings for him have gone completely and it's time to free myself of him. Sometimes there are only so many red flags you can ignore!

[Lion Heart]

Louise I felt ill and got goosebumps when I read your reply. My instincts on full alert countries away from you my dear. Get as many things changed as absolutely possible ASAP. Numbers on any phones & info on social media. Cut and run. Block. Move. Change.

Tell all your friends & family about the situation as little or as much as you want. If he makes any threatening ANYTHING call the police.

He's unstable, grieving and potentially dangerous.

You've removed the only emotional security blanket he had. He's angry to do malicious things and this could escalate fast.

Is your house secure? Can you move or get security doors?

Don't socialize in your usual places for a while. Get out of town whenever you can right now.

Batten down and be in company as MUCH AS POSSIBLE till this critical time passses.

No I don't want you to feel scared at all but you need to protect yourself.

 

Be strong, be brave, be intelligent right now. Act quickly.

 

Lion Heart.

[Louise2817]

Yeah I am quite scared at the moment to be honest with you. I don't really know what to do. I live alone but I don't want to leave my house unattended as much as possible. It's as secure as the next house I guess but could be better. I'm quite worried about the whole thing. I do see what you mean about his emotional security blanket. Im on my guard. I just hope he really does just feel nothing towards me and to just leave me alone. I darent block his number in case he sends anything threatening, so I'm aware. After what he has done he can surely nit expect me to speak to him again.

Thank you for your support.