Abnormal relationship need getting her back

[romanticmoron]

So me and my (now ex) girlfriend met near the end of high school and really hit it off. We were each our first serious relationships, though she had a few short lived ones before me.

 

We are also both fairly quiet and find it really hard to make friends (because so many traits make us instantly write people off - bad, I know) which is why we worked so well together. Basically she is the only girl I've met in my 21 years of life that I felt similar to in this way, we really do have the most natural/amazing connection two weirdos can have. I say this because this makes me feel like we are VERY CAPABLE of being life partners who can almost effortlessly make each other happy (something neither of us have ever found in another person).

 

So anyway our relationship was mostly really smooth. For the first year we had tons of sex and spent most days happily cuddling entire days away. Over time her sex drive died down a bit (she always firmly held that she just became a less sexual person in general as she aged out of her high school years - this made sense to me) but other than we still got along PERFECTLY and spent almost all of our time together doing just about whatever, the only important part was whether we were doing it together.

 

Here's where I see the problem starting, and it is totally my fault. Her parents are much poorer than mine so she had to get a job before me. She gets her first job when she is about 19 years old, maybe a year or more into our relationship. I on the other hand, don't try to get a job at all as my mom continues to throw money at me 24/7 even till this day (sad I know, though I do do everything I can not to take it from her). I progress much faster than her through school and end up at a 4 year university by the time im 20 while she is still to this day at community college (over a year later). This is how i justified to myself why it was okay for me to not have a job (which is dumb I know).

 

I'll blame it on being young and stupid but somehow I didn't see any problem with this and she never really pushed it. We were both still seemingly very close and enjoyed each others company right up until the end (a few weeks ago on christmas day) where she tells me she is no longer attracted to me as more than a friend.

 

I totally understand why: because I was scrawny as hell, lost touch with most of my friends and only really socialized with her, and relied on my parents for money. I had no attractive characteristics anymore, even if our personalities were still very similar. Looking back on it I realize I'm a ****ing moron for not seeing this coming and it really makes me hate myself. I totally took her for granted, although to be fair she never brought any of it up.

 

Once she broke the news on Christmas day I promised her Id change if she just gave me a second chance. To my credit once I did realize how lazy and unattractive i'd been, I've been a superstar and have spent all day every day filling out job applications, working out, reconnecting with friends etc. (Got hired finally yesterday).

 

I had realized that I had been caught in some weird depression where I sat around all day playing video games even though I didnt even enjoy it, I was just depressed and she finally snapped me out it by nearly breaking up with me. She tentatively agreed to giving me a second chance and while she moved back in with her parents because she thought it would help our relationship rekindle the spark, we continued to hangout for a few days (even holding hands, cuddling, almost having sex while both drunk, and her telling me she was still my girlfriend and how the only thing missing from our perfect day together was sleeping in the same bed at night). Then suddenly a day before we were going to go to Disneyland (my Christmas gift to her ) she tells me she can't go because it wouldn't be fair to me. She said it would only be a "friend thing" to her whereas I still viewed her as more than a friend. She asked to cut contact for a bit because her "feeling kept fluctuating".

 

Anyway, I contacted her exactly a week later and asked what she felt. Commence complete and utter heartbreak. She tells me "to be honest, its not going to work out" and that shes moving 2 states over to go to a different school later this year or next out of the blue. She finishes with something along the lines of: "Ill always be here for you if you need a friend or someone to talk to, but I dont want more than that :/. I just need to solely focus on school and work right now and I dont want a relationship at all". She also sounded very distant here, whereas up until a few weeks ago we were so close we were basically a single person occupying two bodies. Also, I can tell you for a fact that she is not seeing anyone, due to several complicated reasons.

 

That night (last night) I broke down hard, got drunk and pleaded/questioned with her over texts and basically vented every dumb thing on my mind. She acted very cold to this and just ended up going to sleep. I spent all night laying awake and texted her a sincere little apology this morning.

 

So that's where I am now. What the hell do I do? I don't believe in soul mates but I truly believe we are as perfect for each other as two people can be. She was ALWAYS really happy with me and would out of the blue, right after I had said something to her in a conversation say "THATS why you are perfect for me, cause you think like that and nobody else does".

 

Basically I just took a couple years too long to grow up whereas she was forced to grow up a bit faster than me. How do I get her to be attracted to me again, for BOTH our sake?

 

Do I go no-contact? Then she might just remember the lazy immature me and not get to know the new me. Also she might leave the state soon.

 

Do I try to stay friends? Then we just end up with a weird friend zone creepy dynamic where she knows I still love her to death.

 

I definitely feel guilty about driving her away but I feel Im entitled to a screw up or two while growing up. I definitely gave her plenty of second chances over the years, and now she won't even give me one. What do? How to re attract her?

[towardthefuture]

Go no contact. It won't bring her back, but doing anything to try to win her back is only going to make you less attractive.

 

She doesn't care if you change. Your relationship is dead. In her mind you're only associated with negative adjectives right now and will be until you're out of her face as a reminder long enough for her to cool down. In six months - three years when she gets nostalgic and calls you up for a platonic lunch she will see your changes then. But by that point you won't care.

[romanticmoron]

Thanks for the reply, but I dont see how Id only be associated with negative adjectives. Im still sure she doesn't have nearly the same connection we had with anyone else, and likely won't at least for a long time. She was almost as bad as keeping up with friends as I was, there's no way she won't miss our companionship at the very least.