Stuck in Limbo (Update)

[smellysocksuni]

I'd been with my ex for a year and 4 months up until recently when she decided to end it.

 

 

We'd not had the best relationship, we argued a lot and she just finally had enough. Ended it, packed up all her stuff and moved out.

 

 

I've seen her a couple of times recently where she's said that she's happy to get to know me again, without all the stress and drama etc. I've said to her to take all the time she needs - I will sort myself out, work on myself and she'll work on herself. She said that she still loves me, but has to put herself first for a while. Which is fair enough.

 

 

The thing is, I am sort of stuck in a kind of limbo. I know that most of the advice on here will be to move on, etc - but I genuinely do l love her, can see a future with her etc. I am willing to make the changes I need to make to have a happy relationship with her. She says that nothing I'm doing is going unnoticed and she appreciates everything I'm doing.

 

 

She doesn't live locally, and doesn't really reply to my messages (I know that this weekend she is spending it with family as it's her mum's birthday).

 

 

I just can't stop worrying that if I don't text her, she'll forget about me/find someone else. I literally can't stop worrying and don't know what to do. I try to keep busy during the days but to be honest all I want is her home - and I know she still loves me and I still love her. But she is just proving really hard to get hold of, these days.

[towardthefuture]

Chasing her makes you look feminine, needy and controlling. Go have yourself an 80s training montage. Sounds like she'll check in on you. Don't change for her, change for you. If she likes the changes you make, she'll have a positive reaction. Else, find someone else.

 

Either way, don't chase.

[smellysocksuni]

Chasing her makes you look feminine, needy and controlling. Go have yourself an 80s training montage. Sounds like she'll check in on you. Don't change for her, change for you. If she likes the changes you make, she'll have a positive reaction. Else, find someone else.

 

Either way, don't chase.

 

I get this totally - I haven't really been chasing, just a message every other day really... not that much.

[towardthefuture]

A message every other day is wayyyyyy too much. Once someone's reaction to you messaging them is "Again????" you need to seriously get off the radar. My dad calls me every three days or so but because he called me every day for like two weeks a few months ago and never went away for a while I still go "OMG STOP CALLING ME" every time he calls me.

[smellysocksuni]

A message every other day is wayyyyyy too much. Once someone's reaction to you messaging them is "Again????" you need to seriously get off the radar. My dad calls me every three days or so but because he called me every day for like two weeks a few months ago and never went away for a while I still go "OMG STOP CALLING ME" every time he calls me.

 

 

 

I just find it hard because I go into overthinking mode... I panic, if I'm not messaging they'll forget about me :/

[Holmes85]

We'd not had the best relationship, we argued a lot and she just finally had enough. Ended it, packed up all her stuff and moved out.

 

No relationship is perfect, it has it's ups and downs, but calling it quits is a whole different story.

 

I've said to her to take all the time she needs - I will sort myself out, work on myself

 

Are you sure that you are part of the problem? And it has something to do with you and not her?

 

 

The thing is, I am sort of stuck in a kind of limbo.

 

Want me to be honest with you that why you are stuck in the limbo? Because you are not sure what happened, you have a bunch of theroies that maybe it's this & that or it could be this & that...I can assure it's none of that, the reason you are in a limbo is because of her mixed signals towards you.

 

I know that most of the advice on here will be to move on, etc - but I genuinely do l love her, can see a future with her etc. I am willing to make the changes I need to make to have a happy relationship with her.

 

Everyone whose wounds are still fresh, need to hear anything but "move on", I understand that, but there is one thing you can do and that's to minimum your contact with her and maximum your contact with yourself to get your mojo / selfesteem back and trust me that's not going to happen if you remain in contact with her, the reason is if you stay in contact with her, you would only go further down to the limbo and only prolong your healing.

 

She says that nothing I'm doing is going unnoticed and she appreciates everything I'm doing.

 

Breaking up is not very appeciative.

 

 

She doesn't live locally, and doesn't really reply to my messages (I know that this weekend she is spending it with family as it's her mum's birthday).

 

A girl that is interested in you, wouldn't mind sending you a message, if it's not within the next hour or two, then it would be within the next 12+ hours, but you will hear from her the same day. Her actions speak of the girl who is not interested.

 

 

I just can't stop worrying that if I don't text her, she'll forget about me/find someone else.

 

She won't forget you, trust me. Although I do feel there is someone else in the picture. That's also the reason you need to go dark on her and maintain No Contact, don't snoop around on her, unfriend her from everywhere, the chances are later down the road when you find things about her, that you may not like, you would end up hurting more, ignorance is bliss. So try to resist not checking up on her for your own good.

 

 

I literally can't stop worrying and don't know what to do. I try to keep busy during the days but to be honest all I want is her home - and I know she still loves me and I still love her. But she is just proving really hard to get hold of, these days

 

Listen dude, a woman who turly loves you, wouldn't leave you. She would like you for who you are and wouldn't want you to change (unless you are some drug addict, have a history of being in jail, abused her physically and so on), if you treated her right, you don't have a thing to worry about it.

 

Maintain no contact, if she asks you why you are behaving this way, tell her "since it was your decision to breakup, I don't think we should remain in contact with each other anymore, I wish you all the best, GoodBye" and after that you leave and don't reply to any breadcrumbs she throws at you, resist them and get yourself back, so you can get out of this emotional state and think with a clear head. Trust me, if she wants a reconciliation or another shot at you, nothing is going to stop and she will make her intentions clear, till then maintain no contact, make some positive changes in your life and who knows you may find a better deal down the road, a woman who loves and appreciates you for who you are and sticks with you for a lifetime.

[smellysocksuni]

 

 

Are you sure that you are part of the problem? And it has something to do with you and not her?

 

 

We were living together, she was messy and I'm not - it bugged me and I used to moan at her about it.

 

 

 

 

Want me to be honest with you that why you are stuck in the limbo? Because you are not sure what happened, you have a bunch of theroies that maybe it's this & that or it could be this & that...I can assure it's none of that, the reason you are in a limbo is because of her mixed signals towards you.

 

 

 

Everyone whose wounds are still fresh, need to hear anything but "move on", I understand that, but there is one thing you can do and that's to minimum your contact with her and maximum your contact with yourself to get your mojo / selfesteem back and trust me that's not going to happen if you remain in contact with her, the reason is if you stay in contact with her, you would only go further down to the limbo and only prolong your healing.

 

 

 

Breaking up is not very appeciative.

 

 

 

 

A girl that is interested in you, wouldn't mind sending you a message, if it's not within the next hour or two, then it would be within the next 12+ hours, but you will hear from her the same day. Her actions speak of the girl who is not interested.

 

 

 

 

She won't forget you, trust me. Although I do feel there is someone else in the picture. That's also the reason you need to go dark on her and maintain No Contact, don't snoop around on her, unfriend her from everywhere, the chances are later down the road when you find things about her, that you may not like, you would end up hurting more, ignorance is bliss. So try to resist not checking up on her for your own good.

 

 

 

I feel like there's someone else, too. I just keep hoping that because she LOVES me, I have some sort of advantage.

 

 

 

Listen dude, a woman who turly loves you, wouldn't leave you. She would like you for who you are and wouldn't want you to change (unless you are some drug addict, have a history of being in jail, abused her physically and so on), if you treated her right, you don't have a thing to worry about it.

 

 

 

 

 

Maintain no contact, if she asks you why you are behaving this way, tell her "since it was your decision to breakup, I don't think we should remain in contact with each other anymore, I wish you all the best, GoodBye" and after that you leave and don't reply to any breadcrumbs she throws at you, resist them and get yourself back, so you can get out of this emotional state and think with a clear head. Trust me, if she wants a reconciliation or another shot at you, nothing is going to stop and she will make her intentions clear, till then maintain no contact, make some positive changes in your life and who knows you may find a better deal down the road, a woman who loves and appreciates you for who you are and sticks with you for a lifetime.[/QUOTE]

 

I didn't do any of this to her. We argued a lot, but that was it. We argued before she went away and just keeps saying she's happier without me, and then giving me these mixed signals.

[smellysocksuni]

She's told me and my friend (who she doesn't know I've spoken to) that there isn't anyone else, that she just wants time alone, etc.

 

 

I do understand her reasons, she keeps saying she just wants to make herself happy for a while, etc.

 

 

I just don't understand the mixed signals. How are we supposed to get to know each other again if she isn't even replying to anything?

[Holmes85]

smellysocksuni,

 

She is never going to admit or say that there is someone else, infact she would keep things under wraps for a while, so that nobody points fingers at her and make her feel guilty about it. Down the road when she thinks that enough time has passed she would introduce her new love interest.

 

She wants to make 'herself' happy? Dude she is not even giving you a second thought and doing everything for herself, it's all about her and not you, in fact this line 'just wants times alone' along with other stuff is a 100% indication of that there is someone else in the picture.

 

Why the mixed signals you ask? Because she feels a little of guilty & a little bit of uncertainty in her new interest, once things are secure with him, she's going to give you a proper boot and you won't hear from her for a while.

 

I really want you to listen, the sooner you cut cords with her, the better off you would be, the longer you wait, the longer you are going to take to heal, if you keep contacting her and keep yourself up-to-date with her life, I can guarantee you that the hurt you are feeling right now would be 10x times more when you find out stuff later down the road, your emotional well being is in your hands, she's toying with it, you should stop that by not contacting her and get yourself back and trust me if you take the time to heal yourself now, you would be in a much better condition couple of months from now on (and it would also act in your favor in the long haul with your ex , the more she hasn't heard from you, the more doubt is going to creep in her mind, till then you maintain no contact).

[smellysocksuni]

smellysocksuni,

 

She is never going to admit or say that there is someone else, infact she would keep things under wraps for a while, so that nobody points fingers at her and make her feel guilty about it. Down the road when she thinks that enough time has passed she would introduce her new love interest.

 

She wants to make 'herself' happy? Dude she is not even giving you a second thought and doing everything for herself, it's all about her and not you, in fact this line 'just wants times alone' along with other stuff is a 100% indication of that there is someone else in the picture.

 

Why the mixed signals you ask? Because she feels a little of guilty & a little bit of uncertainty in her new interest, once things are secure with him, she's going to give you a proper boot and you won't hear from her for a while.

 

I really want you to listen, the sooner you cut cords with her, the better off you would be, the longer you wait, the longer you are going to take to heal, if you keep contacting her and keep yourself up-to-date with her life, I can guarantee you that the hurt you are feeling right now would be 10x times more when you find out stuff later down the road, your emotional well being is in your hands, she's toying with it, you should stop that by not contacting her and get yourself back and trust me if you take the time to heal yourself now, you would be in a much better condition couple of months from now on (and it would also act in your favor in the long haul with your ex , the more she hasn't heard from you, the more doubt is going to creep in her mind, till then you maintain no contact).

 

I know that breaking off contact with her is the best thing to do, and I always try my best to stick to it. I just always end up failing.

 

 

I don't want to be around to see her flaunting her new r'ship (however, I don't believe that rebound relationships work, anyway) because it will hurt like no other.

 

 

I literally just want to disappear from her life, now.

 

 

Everytime I've spoken to her it's been positive, all my friends say they think she'll be back (I have no idea where this has come from) - I don't believe it for a second, either. I know she won't.

 

 

I've made mistakes in the relationship, but despite these claims of still loving me, has no interest in actually trying to save the relationship and that hurts. We lived together for just over a year, how does someone just walk out like that and start acting like they don't even know me?

 

 

I just don't get it.

[Satu]

I just can't stop worrying that if I don't text her, she'll forget about me/find someone else. I literally can't stop worrying and don't know what to do. I try to keep busy during the days but to be honest all I want is her home - and I know she still loves me and I still love her. But she is just proving really hard to get hold of, these days.

 

You're in the denial phase.

 

It will pass.

[smellysocksuni]

You're in the denial phase.

 

It will pass.

 

 

I know.

 

 

She's left it open. She told my friend "I haven't said if I AM coming back or that I'm not"

 

 

I would much prefer it if she was colder about this. Just tell me it's over, go away etc. I know it IS over, but it would make it easier to deal with.

[bigtrouble]

I'd been with my ex for a year and 4 months up until recently when she decided to end it.

 

 

We'd not had the best relationship, we argued a lot and she just finally had enough. Ended it, packed up all her stuff and moved out.

 

 

I've seen her a couple of times recently where she's said that she's happy to get to know me again, without all the stress and drama etc. I've said to her to take all the time she needs - I will sort myself out, work on myself and she'll work on herself. She said that she still loves me, but has to put herself first for a while. Which is fair enough.

 

 

The thing is, I am sort of stuck in a kind of limbo. I know that most of the advice on here will be to move on, etc - but I genuinely do l love her, can see a future with her etc. I am willing to make the changes I need to make to have a happy relationship with her. She says that nothing I'm doing is going unnoticed and she appreciates everything I'm doing.

 

 

She doesn't live locally, and doesn't really reply to my messages (I know that this weekend she is spending it with family as it's her mum's birthday).

 

 

I just can't stop worrying that if I don't text her, she'll forget about me/find someone else. I literally can't stop worrying and don't know what to do. I try to keep busy during the days but to be honest all I want is her home - and I know she still loves me and I still love her. But she is just proving really hard to get hold of, these days.

 

If its real and sincere, continue to work on yourself. Give her space, give yourself a break.

Be strong she may be making it difficult for you to get a hold of her. This may be a signal its over.

 

She will not forget you, they never do.

 

But you need to take it easy, know your emotional boundaries. Keep them in check.

 

Keep yourself busy for the meantime, and brace yourself for anything.

 

Improve yourself because its what's best for you, don't do it because you want her back, it would be a poor attempt.

Edited January 18, 2015 by bigtrouble

[smellysocksuni]

Well, we spoke today and it turned out that she didn't mean any of the things she said. That because I was upset, I "made" her say all those things to me, that it's over. It got nasty, and she's coming to get the rest of her stuff tomorrow. Has blocked my number but is still in communication with my best friend.

 

 

I thought there was still hope, I'm heartbroken.

[smellysocksuni]

We've been arguing all day, and at one point things got really heated - She said I was the most vengeful, spiteful selfish person she had ever met. It was a nasty exchange. I called her a "narcissistic, lazy, self-centred person" and threatened to throw the last of her stuff out on the street.

 

 

She's coming to get the last of her stuff tomorrow evening. Clearly, it's over. And also, she gets VERY defensive when I mention her love life. Clearly there IS someone else, which I'm not that bothered about. Rebounds don't bother me.

 

 

I was wondering if after she leaves, I should send her a message like "You're right - we weren't right for each other. Good luck" - something like that and just go full NC?

[smellysocksuni]

Me and my ex of 16 months have been arguing all day via text.

 

 

It turned really nasty at one point. She called me spiteful, vengeful, malicious (I threatened to throw the last of her stuff onto the street - it's been here for months and I was angry at being made to hold onto it while she dates and sleeps around) so I called her narcissistic, lazy, vain etc. She then went on to insult me about personal things - my looks, my mental health issues, etc.

 

 

She has previously said we could get to know each other again but has since retracted as I "made her say it" - I apparently made her tell me she loves me, backed her into a corner. Despite her telling my friend she still loved me, too.

 

 

Anyway - she's coming to get her stuff tomorrow.

 

 

This has been such a messy break up. I can't stop blaming myself for the break up. She says I was unkind, selfish. I just felt she had unrealistic expectations of me. She wanted me to do a lot for her which I did most of the time, but the times I didn't, she would just kick up a stink.

 

 

The more I think about it, the more I realise she just wasn't for me, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to apologise to her in a meaningful way a few months down the line.

 

 

She just appears to hate me so much. Has offered to be friends, saying we can still hang out but I'm not ready for that.

 

 

I'm currently living alone and am scared tbh, I have never lived alone - she's moving out and my social life isn't exactly buzzing.

 

 

I just think - why would she get SO upset over what I said if she doesn't care, anymore?

 

 

And why would she say to me and others that she still loves me, if it isn't true?

[Poppyolive]

You are holding on here and to be honest the sooner you let her go, delete her/block the sooner you can focus on you.

 

This back and forth fighting, hurtfulness is so frustrating for both of you. You are both in hot water regarding emotions, nothing good will come of talking/texting/seeing each other. Just more pain & anger. Let it all go. So you can begin to heal. So she can heal.

 

She's made her choice and nothing you can do can change that. Nobody should be forced into loving someone.

 

Take care of you. New chapter. Make a list of goals & achievements for you.

[hoping2heal]

 

She has previously said we could get to know each other again but has since retracted as I "made her say it" - I apparently made her tell me she loves me, backed her into a corner. Despite her telling my friend she still loved me, too.

 

 

Only have your side of the story, but that is usually what someone would say when they feel like they have been guilted into something. She could mean that you did or said something which made her feel like she had to tell you what you wanted to hear. I guess only you will know if that is the case.

[BC1980]

Based on your other thread, you ex sounds highly dysfunctional and probably has a lot of issues. Sounds like she is addicted to the high of a new relationship and could be a master manipulator. I'd say run for the hills and see it as good thing she's moving out. You don't see it now, but I think that you will see this as a blessing in a year.

[smellysocksuni]

Based on your other thread, you ex sounds highly dysfunctional and probably has a lot of issues. Sounds like she is addicted to the high of a new relationship and could be a master manipulator. I'd say run for the hills and see it as good thing she's moving out. You don't see it now, but I think that you will see this as a blessing in a year.

 

 

I don't know. I guess she does have issues.

 

I'm so nervous about her coming to get her stuff. Because that is the final step, I won't see her again and I'm scared of how that will make me feel.

[smellysocksuni]

Not really sure if anyone is even reading this but it's helpful for me to keep posting...

 

 

I'm so nervous about her coming tomorrow. I keep going over things again and again in my head - if I did this differently, we'd still be together etc. I blame myself for a lot of things, and then I think well, we weren't a match anyway.

 

 

I don't know why things have to go this way. I can't comprehend how you can spend every day with someone for 16 months then the next, you don't even know where they are from day to day. I don't get it.

 

 

I hate dating, I hate sleeping around - I genuinely thought this was it, that my settling down had begun. I am so disappointed and upset that this didn't work. So annoyed. And I am constantly blaming myself.

[towardthefuture]

I have a lot of similarities with your situation. I was in a LTR with a woman I really loved, I didn't put in the effort at the end. She left me -- I don't have any hard proof she cheated or left me for another guy but allllllll the red flags are there. I tried for a month to win her back with all the pathetic begging and texting and promising change. Now I have a dull sense of "I wish that had gone differently, but can't go back"

 

Analyze what you did wrong and bring it into your next relationship. I don't want to date either but you know, I like being in a relationship. But you know, accept your life as it is.

 

Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Go out and eat the bear.

[smellysocksuni]

I have a lot of similarities with your situation. I was in a LTR with a woman I really loved, I didn't put in the effort at the end. She left me -- I don't have any hard proof she cheated or left me for another guy but allllllll the red flags are there. I tried for a month to win her back with all the pathetic begging and texting and promising change. Now I have a dull sense of "I wish that had gone differently, but can't go back"

 

Analyze what you did wrong and bring it into your next relationship. I don't want to date either but you know, I like being in a relationship. But you know, accept your life as it is.

 

Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Go out and eat the bear.

 

I just don't think I was ready for a relationship. I need to do a lot of work on myself and my life before I let someone else in. If nothing else, this relationship has made me realise that.

[towardthefuture]

I just don't think I was ready for a relationship. I need to do a lot of work on myself and my life before I let someone else in. If nothing else, this relationship has made me realise that.

 

Learn to love yourself before you try to love someone else. That was a big thing for me.

 

Don't beat yourself up too much. You made mistakes, but your ex made a CHOICE.

 

I thought I was good at relationships because I was in one so long (longer than anyone I knew). After the breakup, and I read all about relationships, I realized I didn't know ANYTHING about maintaining a good relationship. It's a miracle it held together as long as it did.

 

I still think every day about how I wish I had my relationship back and she still loved me -- but that's not reality. In the end, you've got to move forward. The sooner you do it the better. And the sooner you give up the chase the better, let me tell you. I know what the withdrawal feels like. You want to propose. I felt that feeling. I worked it into my begging at one point, something like "I love you! I'm gonna do xyz and marry you!"

 

Don't do it. You'd get the same result taking a kitchen knife and stabbing yourself in the chest. Actually, looking back, if I had not begged and looked pathetic and instead just disappeared and done all the self improvement stuff I've done, I might have my girlfriend back right now.

 

Just go out and improve yourself for your next relationship. Maybe it'll be with her. Probably not. Don't sit around. And if she does come back looking for a round 2 and you still love her after the dust settles, especially after leaving you for someone else, make sure you've had another relationship so you're on somewhat even footing. The worst kind of power dynamic in a relationship is where one person thinks they have options and the other person doesn't.

 

Honestly, though, I don't think your ex is coming back and I don't think mine is either. Come to terms with that.

[BC1980]

Not really sure if anyone is even reading this but it's helpful for me to keep posting...

 

 

I'm so nervous about her coming tomorrow. I keep going over things again and again in my head - if I did this differently, we'd still be together etc. I blame myself for a lot of things, and then I think well, we weren't a match anyway.

 

 

I don't know why things have to go this way. I can't comprehend how you can spend every day with someone for 16 months then the next, you don't even know where they are from day to day. I don't get it.

 

 

I hate dating, I hate sleeping around - I genuinely thought this was it, that my settling down had begun. I am so disappointed and upset that this didn't work. So annoyed. And I am constantly blaming myself.

 

But didn't you say she did this same thing to the guy before you? And now she's doing it to you? She probably made you feel special, like to were different, but, in reality, who knows how many guys she's done this to in the past. I'm truly sorry you got caught up in this, but there are manipulative people out there. It's a hard lesson to learn, and it changes you.

 

With regards to her stuff, put it outside your door, and try not to be there when she comes.