Stuck in Limbo (Update)

[smellysocksuni]

If you really wanted to move on, you wouldn't talk to her at all. She is getting her stuff Wednesday. After that, you need NC. I'm sure she will reach out again to see if she can yank your chain. You have proven that she still affects you. I know you feel okay right now, but your feelings will probably be a roller coaster for awhile.

 

I think I didn't want to move on, but I do now.

 

Yeah, you're right... feelings will be up and down but... I feel great internally. I've been listening to music all day, something I hadn't done while I was with her. I've been out and made some new friends. I feel very positive about everything.

 

She tried to yank my chain earlier.

 

Said we shouldn't talk - I said "Sure, OK"

 

She text me straight back with "What do you think? I'm curious to hear you out, do you agree?" - probably wanted me to start pleading.

 

I just said "sure, whatever you think"

 

Lol. She's so predictable.

Edited February 3, 2015 by smellysocksuni

[smellysocksuni]

I've done so much reading, especially on Baggage Reclaim and some other positivity blogs... They've really helped, loads. I have set myself fitness goals, career goals, life goals. Been journalling, coming here - I feel like I miss her but I don't miss her enough to cry or to... I mean, a few weeks ago I was suicidal, visiting hospitals in the middle of the night, crying until 4am. I feel a world away from that, now.

[BC1980]

I've done so much reading, especially on Baggage Reclaim and some other positivity blogs... They've really helped, loads. I have set myself fitness goals, career goals, life goals. Been journalling, coming here - I feel like I miss her but I don't miss her enough to cry or to... I mean, a few weeks ago I was suicidal, visiting hospitals in the middle of the night, crying until 4am. I feel a world away from that, now.

 

Baggage Reclaim is a great site. It helped me so much when I was in the thick of my breakup. I actually bought her book, "The No Contact Rule," and it's great. It explains the necessity of NC, the grieving stages of NC, ect.

[smellysocksuni]

Baggage Reclaim is a great site. It helped me so much when I was in the thick of my breakup. I actually bought her book, "The No Contact Rule," and it's great. It explains the necessity of NC, the grieving stages of NC, ect.

 

I bought that, too! She really is a lifesaver, everything she says and talks about is on point. Amazing.

[smellysocksuni]

The pick up date has been moved to this coming Saturday, and, yeah I know I said I felt good about the whole thing now but I'm dreading it.

 

I'm dreading seeing her, because although in my head I know she is no good for me etc - my heart will see her and probably want to hug her etc and I will feel all the feelings coming back.

 

I don't want to be there, but I have to let her in (I changed the locks) and I have asked around for a friend to stand in for me but everyone is busy on that day, which has made me laugh as my friends are NEVER busy!

 

So....yeah.

[Zahara]

The pick up date has been moved to this coming Saturday, and, yeah I know I said I felt good about the whole thing now but I'm dreading it.

 

I'm dreading seeing her, because although in my head I know she is no good for me etc - my heart will see her and probably want to hug her etc and I will feel all the feelings coming back.

 

I don't want to be there, but I have to let her in (I changed the locks) and I have asked around for a friend to stand in for me but everyone is busy on that day, which has made me laugh as my friends are NEVER busy!

 

So....yeah.

 

I still don't know why you can't put all the things in a box, place it outside your door an hour before she's about to get there? This way you don't have to see her.

[smellysocksuni]

I still don't know why you can't put all the things in a box, place it outside your door an hour before she's about to get there? This way you don't have to see her.

 

I will have to. To see and have her in the flat walking about will be far too painful.

[Zahara]

I will have to. To see and have her in the flat walking about will be far too painful.

 

Well, you have about two days to start packing. On Saturday, get an ETA and leave the boxes out there. Then go spend the day with a friend, or go watch a movie, have a bite, take a walk at the park -- distract yourself for the day.

[smellysocksuni]

Well, you have about two days to start packing. On Saturday, get an ETA and leave the boxes out there. Then go spend the day with a friend, or go watch a movie, have a bite, take a walk at the park -- distract yourself for the day.

 

I've packed most of her stuff so I will spend the next couple of days doing that.

 

I really miss her today - even when I was brushing my teeth I got upset (LOL) because we used to do that together. It's tough.

[Zahara]

I've packed most of her stuff so I will spend the next couple of days doing that.

 

I really miss her today - even when I was brushing my teeth I got upset (LOL) because we used to do that together. It's tough.

 

Once you get this one tie severed, you can start to truly grieve and heal from this. This is why it's always better to get all this settled after an ending and shut the door. You just drag yourself unnecessarily.

 

I know how you feel. I had a routine with my ex too and when he was gone, the littlest of things would send me into a tailspin. It's normal, if that's any consolation. It will get better.

[smellysocksuni]

Once you get this one tie severed, you can start to truly grieve and heal from this. This is why it's always better to get all this settled after an ending and shut the door. You just drag yourself unnecessarily.

 

I know how you feel. I had a routine with my ex too and when he was gone, the littlest of things would send me into a tailspin. It's normal, if that's any consolation. It will get better.

 

Thank you for your kind words. I think that's why I've been so upset the last couple of days - I realise that the "end" hasn't quite come and that the belongings going will be the final, actual end.

 

 

I don't really expect people to keep replying - I just feel so alone and my friends have actually told me "come on, time to move on, now" etc. so I feel like I can't really talk to them about this, anymore.

 

 

I miss the feeling of me and my ex being a couple - doing random things like just going for a smoothie or slobbing out in front of the TV. I worry that I won't meet someone like that as my past love history has been bad and I have not really had that many serious relationships. I really wanted this one to work - I'm 30 and I worry that I'm just going to get old and be single forever. She wanted to settle down, and I feel like I've messed it all up. I just feel so rubbish.

[Zahara]

Thank you for your kind words. I think that's why I've been so upset the last couple of days - I realise that the "end" hasn't quite come and that the belongings going will be the final, actual end.

 

Most times "stuff" always keeps that door open, breeds hope. Once stuff is all out, it spells finality because there's no other reason to promote contact. But this is good for you. Painful as it is, it is going to set you free.

 

I don't really expect people to keep replying - I just feel so alone and my friends have actually told me "come on, time to move on, now" etc. so I feel like I can't really talk to them about this, anymore.

 

You can't force "moving on". It's easy for them to say because they are not emotionally involved. I bet if they were in your shoes, they'd be feeling the same way. Go through the process at your own pace. Keep posting here. People will reply. At the same time, you need to start focusing on yourself. Go exercise, take a class, go volunteer, go for a meetup -- do something that focuses on you and keeps you distracted.

 

I miss the feeling of me and my ex being a couple - doing random things like just going for a smoothie or slobbing out in front of the TV. I worry that I won't meet someone like that as my past love history has been bad and I have not really had that many serious relationships. I really wanted this one to work - I'm 30 and I worry that I'm just going to get old and be single forever. She wanted to settle down, and I feel like I've messed it all up. I just feel so rubbish.

 

I have over a decade on you. So at my age, I've been single for awhile. I may miss being with someone but I am more than happy with life being on my own. A partner should be a bonus, it shouldn't be what fills your whole life. You're only 30. Never, always and forever type thinking is unrealistic. It's self-limiting and destructive. Even if you stay single for awhile, it won't kill you. If anything, once you are emotional detached and indifferent, you may even enjoy your independence and solitude

Edited February 4, 2015 by Zahara

[smellysocksuni]

Most times "stuff" always keeps that door open, breeds hope. Once stuff is all out, it spells finality because there's no other reason to promote contact. But this is good for you. Painful as it is, it is going to set you free.

 

 

 

You can't force "moving on". It's easy for them to say because they are not emotionally involved. I bet if they were in your shoes, they'd be feeling the same way. Go through the process at your own pace. Keep posting here. People will reply. At the same time, you need to start focusing on yourself. Go exercise, take a class, go volunteer, go for a meetup -- do something that focuses on you and keeps you distracted.

 

 

 

I have over a decade on you. So at my age, I've been single for awhile. I may miss being with someone but I am more than happy with life being on my own. A partner should be a bonus, it shouldn't be what fills your whole life. You're only 30. Never, always and forever type thinking is unrealistic. It's self-limiting and destructive. Even if you stay single for awhile, it won't kill you. If anything, once you are emotional detached and indifferent, you may even enjoy your independence.

 

It will set me free - I know it will be highly painful, too. I think it was comforting me in a way, having it here. A reason to stay in touch, etc. One of the hardest things for me in a break up is the fact that they disappear. I don't know where she lives, what she's doing... I have always been dumped, too. I have never once been the dumpee - and yet I still don't know how to deal with it, lol.

 

Yeah - I find it unhelpful when people say stuff like that... I can't just forget about it. But yes, staying active is the key. I have been signing up to loads of things that start next week so yeah... a day at a time.

 

 

 

The bit in bold - this is exactly what I think, yet I become obsessed with trying to find a partner. Wanting to be loved. Clearly I gotta work on my self-esteem I find it inspiring to hear that you're happy with life on your own - I guess you get to a point where you're providing yourself with your own happiness etc

[Zahara]

The bit in bold - this is exactly what I think, yet I become obsessed with trying to find a partner. Wanting to be loved. Clearly I gotta work on my self-esteem I find it inspiring to hear that you're happy with life on your own - I guess you get to a point where you're providing yourself with your own happiness etc

 

Yes. I remember in my thirties after my divorce. After every failed short relationship, I would quickly hop on a dating site trying to fill my void with trying to find someone else. I couldn't deal with being on my own and facing it alone. I needed to feel loved, be loved. But who could love me if I couldn't even stay happy in my own skin, enjoy my own company and most of all love myself. I've broken that cycle. Now, I can spend the whole weekend in my apartment without feeling lonely or needing someone. I vacation on my own. I go out to eat at restaurants on my own. I go for activities on my own.

 

And if he comes along one day, he comes. I'm not forcing it, looking for it, hunting for it.

[smellysocksuni]

Yes. I remember in my thirties after my divorce. After every failed short relationship, I would quickly hop on a dating site trying to fill my void with trying to find someone else. I couldn't deal with being on my own and facing it alone. I needed to feel loved, be loved. But who could love me if I couldn't even stay happy in my own skin, enjoy my own company and most of all love myself. I've broken that cycle. Now, I can spend the whole weekend in my apartment without feeling lonely or needing someone. I vacation on my own. I go out to eat at restaurants on my own. I go for activities on my own.

 

And if he comes along one day, he comes. I'm not forcing it, looking for it, hunting for it.

 

I've been living that pattern for all of my twenties. I dated a stream of people I shouldn't have - even once dating someone for 6 months who was actually IN a relationship and had just had a baby. How sad is that.

 

How did you break that pattern? If that's not too personal a question. your current mindset is where I want to be.

[Zahara]

I've been living that pattern for all of my twenties. I dated a stream of people I shouldn't have - even once dating someone for 6 months who was actually IN a relationship and had just had a baby. How sad is that.

 

How did you break that pattern? If that's not too personal a question. your current mindset is where I want to be.

 

You're halfway there. You see your pattern. You know what you're doing wrong. I didn't know what I was doing wrong. I didn't know what it meant to love yourself, what it meant to be co-dependent, what it meant to grieve, heal, nurture yourself. For me, the solution was running away from pain and finding relief. I couldn't think outside the box. There was root to my dysfunction. I was trying to slap a bandaid on the surface.

 

Therapy helped me a lot. A good therapist that taught me coping skills, explained the whys, one that is interactive and is good at digging in deep. It helped me understand why I did the things I did. That was key. I forced myself to do things on my own. It was hard for me but I pushed myself. I needed to be comfortable with being independent. I made a promise to myself that no matter how uncomfortable I felt, I had to face it on my own. I made a promise not to date until I felt confident and happy being on my own. And when I was happy being on my own, I didn't want to date!

Edited February 5, 2015 by Zahara

[smellysocksuni]

You're halfway there. You see your pattern. You know what you're doing wrong. I didn't know what I was doing wrong. I didn't know what it meant to love yourself, what it meant to be co-dependent, what it meant to grieve, heal, nurture yourself. For me, the solution was running away from pain and finding relief. I couldn't think outside the box. There was root to my dysfunction. I was trying to slap a bandaid on the surface.

 

Therapy helped me a lot. A good therapist that taught me coping skills, explained the whys, one that is interactive and is good at digging in deep. It helped me understand why I did the things I did. That was key. I forced myself to do things on my own. It was hard for me but I pushed myself. I needed to be comfortable with being independent. I made a promise to myself that no matter how uncomfortable I felt, I had to face it on my own. I made a promise not to date until I felt happy being on my own. And when I was happy being on my own, I didn't want to date!

 

I am genuinely happy and pleased that you went through all that and came out a better person at the end. It sounds like you've done a lot of work but you're now happy with yourself and that's amazing! It's great. I think more people should try and take the time to work on themselves, I really do. So many people just jump into relationships because it's easier than putting in work and investing in yourself.

[Zahara]

I am genuinely happy and pleased that you went through all that and came out a better person at the end. It sounds like you've done a lot of work but you're now happy with yourself and that's amazing! It's great. I think more people should try and take the time to work on themselves, I really do. So many people just jump into relationships because it's easier than putting in work and investing in yourself.

 

And you should make a promise to yourself that you will break your pattern. From pain comes growth. It's true. Sometimes the worst is what will bring out the best in you. You need to invest in yourself because if you don't you'll be the hamster running that wheel. You can do this. You know you're taking the wrong path. It's time to do something different.

[sober and dry]

I've packed most of her stuff so I will spend the next couple of days doing that.

 

I really miss her today - even when I was brushing my teeth I got upset (LOL) because we used to do that together. It's tough.

I can relate... Not only the teeth brushing but ALL that stupid little things. Luckily for me this doesn't happen often, maybe twice a week. So I can guarantee you that this will fade out little by little...

[smellysocksuni]

And you should make a promise to yourself that you will break your pattern. From pain comes growth. It's true. Sometimes the worst is what will bring out the best in you. You need to invest in yourself because if you don't you'll be the hamster running that wheel. You can do this. You know you're taking the wrong path. It's time to do something different.

 

Yes, I know I am taking the wrong path. Even in the relationship (Even though I still get upset!) I knew this wasn't the person for me, but I didn't want to be alone, etc. Thank you so much for that little therapy session, do you know I feel so much better for talking that out. And to hear from someone who is me but just a few years down the road. I'm going to invest in myself so much.

 

I can relate... Not only the teeth brushing but ALL that stupid little things. Luckily for me this doesn't happen often, maybe twice a week. So I can guarantee you that this will fade out little by little...

 

Thank God, because I really need to brush my teeth uninterrupted! Lol. But yes, I'm glad you're starting to feel a bit better. Life goes on, I guess.

[Zahara]

Yes, I know I am taking the wrong path. Even in the relationship (Even though I still get upset!) I knew this wasn't the person for me, but I didn't want to be alone, etc. Thank you so much for that little therapy session, do you know I feel so much better for talking that out. And to hear from someone who is me but just a few years down the road. I'm going to invest in myself so much.

 

You are very welcome. Keep posting here when you need to vent your pain. It's going to get better, I promise.

[smellysocksuni]

You are very welcome. Keep posting here when you need to vent your pain. It's going to get better, I promise.

 

Thank you

[sober and dry]

Thank God, because I really need to brush my teeth uninterrupted! Lol. But yes, I'm glad you're starting to feel a bit better. Life goes on, I guess.

Yeahhh lol, me 2 xD my counteraction was, wake up, blast the **** out of my sound system and start the routine. That would wipe out any thoughts/memories out of my head and also would sometimes gave me a headache but it was worth it.

Thanks. I'm feeling better and better as the days go on, of course there are some ****up days, but they also start to become easier.

[smellysocksuni]

Yeahhh lol, me 2 xD my counteraction was, wake up, blast the **** out of my sound system and start the routine. That would wipe out any thoughts/memories out of my head and also would sometimes gave me a headache but it was worth it.

Thanks. I'm feeling better and better as the days go on, of course there are some ****up days, but they also start to become easier.

 

Haha, I might have to steal that morning routine.

 

I guess that's the good thing, as the days pass it lessens every day - if only there was some sort of way to just fast forward straight to the being 'over' it part, that would be helpful

[smellysocksuni]

This is my second full day of no contact, and I almost messaged her earlier but I didn't ... I'm proud of myself, because it means I don't end up looking like an idiot.

 

The only thing that has really been on my mind today is, well...sex. I can't stop thinking about her and us, and I had a dream last night which probably contributed to this damn mood...

 

I know all about the emotionally detaching thing too, but how is it that she doesn't give a damn about me? We lived together, saw each other every single day, etc - now she's with someone else? My mind doesn't comprehend it.

Edited February 5, 2015 by smellysocksuni