Stuck in Limbo (Update)

[smellysocksuni]

I think it's normal to blame yourself, and I think a lot of it comes from wanting to find anything you can control/fix to make it work again. The truth is that it takes two people, and no one is perfect in any relationship. As bad as my ex was, I made my mistakes as well. I blamed myself completely when he left me, but, as time went on, I was able to see that he wasn't even a good partner to begin with. He made me feel like there was something wrong with me and that I wasn't good enough. Sounds like your ex unfortunately.

 

When she did put you down or act superior, did you accept that treatment? Did you buy into it and try to "fix" yourself? I know that I did try to change for my ex, but it was never good enough. So I had a long way to go when he left me because I was still clinging to the idea that he was perfect, and I was the one who needed improvement to make it work.

 

Always put me down. I remember in the early stages I went to listen to one of my favourite singers, and she grimaced and said "turn that off" - I was like, what?

 

Used to snidely mock me if I wanted to grow my hair out or wear a certain type of clothes. But despite all this it still hurts, because I KNOW she is with someone else and jumping from partner to partner like she's collecting trophies.

 

She said after the break up that she just wanted me to be "normal", etc. "Normal people would do this/that", realised her "worth", didn't want me around on NYE because I would "ruin" the celebrations, had "ruined" her christmas, the list goes on. I just don't know who she was, but I think she presents a fake persona to the outside world. She works quite publicly and has a public persona and a "stage name" - she presents herself to be quite sweet and nice but... I don't think she's really like that. I think she needs therapy, tbh.

[smellysocksuni]

Struggling today. Feel like calling her and asking to talk/neet up. Don't know why.

[Zahara]

Struggling today. Feel like calling her and asking to talk/neet up. Don't know why.

 

It's an urge. You're going to feel the need to reach out because you can't bear the pain and that's it's final.

[smellysocksuni]

Yeah I guess so....

[BC1980]

Struggling today. Feel like calling her and asking to talk/neet up. Don't know why.

 

What would you say to her? What do you hope to accomplish?

[jus d'orange]

Definitely post what you want to say here first, at least in some form that still keeps it free of private information. Sometimes the urge to contact can totally be just an urge to say something, and by saying it here, you're maintaining NC and getting rid of the urge too.

[smellysocksuni]

What would you say to her? What do you hope to accomplish?

 

I'd say - "I miss you. I wish you'd come home - I know things weren't great between us but it wouldn't always be that way. I love you so much, darling"

 

Pathetic, right.

[Zahara]

I'd say - "I miss you. I wish you'd come home - I know things weren't great between us but it wouldn't always be that way. I love you so much, darling"

 

Pathetic, right.

 

But it will always be that way because she's still the same person that treated you poorly. It's one thing to romanticize and idealize but you have to snap yourself back to what really was.

[smellysocksuni]

But it will always be that way because she's still the same person that treated you poorly. It's one thing to romanticize and idealize but you have to snap yourself back to what really was.

 

But I wasn't perfect. I moaned at her a lot, I used to snap at her for no reason. I was needy, insecure. Wanted all of her attention. I wasn't perfect. She was thoughtful, would often think of me when she was out and pick something up that I'd like - I don't think either of us were perfect.

[Zahara]

But I wasn't perfect. I moaned at her a lot, I used to snap at her for no reason. I was needy, insecure. Wanted all of her attention. I wasn't perfect. She was thoughtful, would often think of me when she was out and pick something up that I'd like - I don't think either of us were perfect.

 

You had your faults, of course. No one walks around without fault. And picking something up that you would like aren't foundation builders in a relationship. If this relationship was all that it was cracked up to be, you wouldn't be where you are. There was incompatibility and issues that didn't make it work. Chances are if she came back today you both would revert because nothing much has changed about either of you. You'd still be needy and insecure and she'd be manipulative and controlling.

Edited February 17, 2015 by Zahara

[smellysocksuni]

You had your faults, of course. No one walks around without fault. And picking something up that you would like aren't foundation builders in a relationship. If this relationship was all that it was cracked up to be, you wouldn't be where you are. There was incompatibility and issues that didn't make it work. Chances are if she came back today you both would revert because nothing much has changed about either of you. You'd still be needy and insecure and she'd be manipulative and controlling.

 

Of course, no-one is faultless. And there were issues, but I think we both chose to ignore them for a long time. I know it's normal and I don't even expect a reply because I'm aware of how repetitive I'm being. But I struggled for a long time with my appearance, etc. She really helped me in terms of that, she was very nurturing and I just worry I won't meet anyone like that again. I also come from a bit of a poor background - I doubt I'll ever own a house, for example. She was my ticket out of this sort of dead-end life. She had a house that we were going to move to, go and settle down in. Now, I'm all over the place. I don't see a good future for myself.

[smellysocksuni]

Also having doubts about changing both my email and phone number... Was that stupid? I just wanted to get away from the feeling of hoping that she'd reach out but now I feel bad. What if she genuinely wanted to reach out to me? And I know she'll be thinking how dramatic that was...she'd always tell me I was dramatic, immature. Ugh.

[Zahara]

But I struggled for a long time with my appearance, etc. She really helped me in terms of that, she was very nurturing and I just worry I won't meet anyone like that again.

 

Then you fix your appearance. Why are you dependent on someone to fix you? You insecurities are yours to own and yours to fix. If you keep depending on others, you'll always be dependent. You're a man. If you don't like your appearance, change it.

 

Nurturing? It has to be consistent. In your list of negatives and they are big ones, there is no nurturing when the next moment someone is putting you down. You're so dependent that you likely clinging to little bits of good and magnifying it into something that was of value.

 

I also come from a bit of a poor background - I doubt I'll ever own a house, for example. She was my ticket out of this sort of dead-end life. She had a house that we were going to move to, go and settle down in. Now, I'm all over the place. I don't see a good future for myself.

 

Again, depending on others to fulfill your life. Find your own independence. Part of this is you lost your meal ticket, in a sense if you say she was your way out of your situation. Not good.

[Zahara]

Also having doubts about changing both my email and phone number... Was that stupid? I just wanted to get away from the feeling of hoping that she'd reach out but now I feel bad. What if she genuinely wanted to reach out to me? And I know she'll be thinking how dramatic that was...she'd always tell me I was dramatic, immature. Ugh.

 

There's nothing stupid about self-preservation. It's emotionally smart and it's mature.

[smellysocksuni]

Then you fix your appearance. Why are you dependent on someone to fix you? You insecurities are yours to own and yours to fix. If you keep depending on others, you'll always be dependent. You're a man. If you don't like your appearance, change it.

 

Nurturing? It has to be consistent. In your list of negatives and they are big ones, there is no nurturing when the next moment someone is putting you down. You're so dependent that you likely clinging to little bits of good and magnifying it into something that was of value.

 

 

 

Again, depending on others to fulfill your life. Find your own independence. Part of this is you lost your meal ticket, in a sense if you say she was your way out of your situation. Not good.

 

This is what I will be working on, this year. This is why I end up in so many non-fulfilling relationships. I know it's not good, but I'm working on it

[Zahara]

This is what I will be working on, this year. This is why I end up in so many non-fulfilling relationships. I know it's not good, but I'm working on it

 

At the end of the day, there's only one person you can truly depend on and that is yourself. Love it and cultivate it. Until you become fulfilled and happy with yourself, no one can fill that void for you.

[smellysocksuni]

At the end of the day, there's only one person you can truly depend on and that is yourself. Love it and cultivate it. Until you become fulfilled and happy with yourself, no one can fill that void for you.

 

I've always had issues around my self-esteem, etc. It's something I never really worked on - as we talked about before, the chasing pointless, unhealthy partnerships - I think I was trying to fill it with that behaviour. But...now.. this break up has opened my eyes to what I need to do. I love being on my own. I love staying up until 1am writing or drinking tea. I love it! That person wasn't for me, I do realise that. I was just clinging. Clinging to something really unhealthy.

[Zahara]

I've always had issues around my self-esteem, etc. It's something I never really worked on - as we talked about before, the chasing pointless, unhealthy partnerships - I think I was trying to fill it with that behaviour. But...now.. this break up has opened my eyes to what I need to do. I love being on my own. I love staying up until 1am writing or drinking tea. I love it! That person wasn't for me, I do realise that. I was just clinging. Clinging to something really unhealthy.

 

When you start doubting yourself -- read what you wrote above. It's all the reinforcement you need.

[smellysocksuni]

When you start doubting yourself -- read what you wrote above. It's all the reinforcement you need.

 

I will. And hopefully I will feel better and won't need to visit LS so often. Thank you so much for the advice, Zahara.

[Zahara]

I will. And hopefully I will feel better and won't need to visit LS so often. Thank you so much for the advice, Zahara.

 

Visit anytime you feel you need to pour your feelings out. It helps to purge and release those bad emotions. Don't feel like you're a broken record. These things take time work out. And you are most welcome. Anytime.

[smellysocksuni]

Struggling with the feeling of loneliness... it's 02:40am where I am and I should be sleeping, but because of my erratic sleeping patterns atm I'm wide awake. I don't even think it's her I miss, but I do wish I had someone to talk to, or something to look forward to. My days just feel empty... I know I have to make new plans and a new routine, I know that's normal after a break up. I just don't know where to start. This was the exact feeling I was afraid of. I've been watching a comedy programme for the last couple of hours, but now I just realise that it's no substitute for actual company.

 

What irritates me is that her life is probably full up with things. She works every day, has lots of friends, me leaving her life has made no difference whatsoever. I now have to start again - which I'm fine with, I'm excited about it - it just irritates me that she has escaped this pain-free.

 

I hate this feeling of loneliness and boredom.

[BC1980]

Struggling with the feeling of loneliness... it's 02:40am where I am and I should be sleeping, but because of my erratic sleeping patterns atm I'm wide awake. I don't even think it's her I miss, but I do wish I had someone to talk to, or something to look forward to. My days just feel empty... I know I have to make new plans and a new routine, I know that's normal after a break up. I just don't know where to start. This was the exact feeling I was afraid of. I've been watching a comedy programme for the last couple of hours, but now I just realise that it's no substitute for actual company.

 

What irritates me is that her life is probably full up with things. She works every day, has lots of friends, me leaving her life has made no difference whatsoever. I now have to start again - which I'm fine with, I'm excited about it - it just irritates me that she has escaped this pain-free.

 

I hate this feeling of loneliness and boredom.

 

You will be like this for awhile, at least until you get settled into a new routine. I had a lot of insomnia right after my breakup. I would wake up at 3 or 4 am and be unable to fall back to sleep for about a month. All I can say is that life feels surreal for awhile.

[BC1980]

I've always had issues around my self-esteem, etc. It's something I never really worked on - as we talked about before, the chasing pointless, unhealthy partnerships - I think I was trying to fill it with that behaviour. But...now.. this break up has opened my eyes to what I need to do. I love being on my own. I love staying up until 1am writing or drinking tea. I love it! That person wasn't for me, I do realise that. I was just clinging. Clinging to something really unhealthy.

 

When I looked back at my patterns, I was always chasing people who were so incompatible with me. Even when perfectly good, decent men showed interest, I couldn't be bothered. They were too boring if they wanted me. When a man pursued me, it was like an automatic repellant to me. Over the years, I've lost out on what could have possibly been some really decent and good-hearted men. I had to go for the challenge, someone who caused drama and created conflict.

 

With my ex, there was always drama, always conflict. It wasn't overt, and we weren't getting into screaming matches. But there it was. I was always the one chasing, the one more invested, the one sitting on the fence with him. The kicker is that we weren't even compatible. Not emotionally, not in our views on life, not in our views on relationships. But I just had to pursue this guy until I ended up crashing and burning. I realized that it all went back to a deep seeded feeling that I wasn't good enough, and I wanted to prove that I could get someone to pick me and validate me. A guy who liked me for me must have something wrong with him right? I don't know if any of my reasons have anything to do with your reasons, but it's worth thinking about.

[smellysocksuni]

You will be like this for awhile, at least until you get settled into a new routine. I had a lot of insomnia right after my breakup. I would wake up at 3 or 4 am and be unable to fall back to sleep for about a month. All I can say is that life feels surreal for awhile.

 

LOL. I felt OK about an hour ago. Now I've just been clearing out the cupboards, crying. Crying at a tin of Chili Con Carne! Wow. This is a horrid thing, isn't it? I've never experienced anything like this. This rollercoaster, wow. It does feel surreal indeed. I feel quite depersonalised, to be honest. Like, is this real? Am I REALLY going through this? And I feel quite silly because it's the second month, and I'm still upset... My friend said to me earlier that I should "just stop it, now" - :/

 

When I looked back at my patterns, I was always chasing people who were so incompatible with me. Even when perfectly good, decent men showed interest, I couldn't be bothered. They were too boring if they wanted me. When a man pursued me, it was like an automatic repellant to me. Over the years, I've lost out on what could have possibly been some really decent and good-hearted men. I had to go for the challenge, someone who caused drama and created conflict.

 

With my ex, there was always drama, always conflict. It wasn't overt, and we weren't getting into screaming matches. But there it was. I was always the one chasing, the one more invested, the one sitting on the fence with him. The kicker is that we weren't even compatible. Not emotionally, not in our views on life, not in our views on relationships. But I just had to pursue this guy until I ended up crashing and burning. I realized that it all went back to a deep seeded feeling that I wasn't good enough, and I wanted to prove that I could get someone to pick me and validate me. A guy who liked me for me must have something wrong with him right? I don't know if any of my reasons have anything to do with your reasons, but it's worth thinking about.

 

She chased me, at the beginnning. I pushed her away, because she really wasn't my type. I gave in because I think I "settled". I was getting scared, I didn't have anyone else and I thought, why the hell not?

 

I think your reasons are similar to mine.. I thought if after all the years of rejection, if I could get this person to love me I would have somehow succeeded! Despite the fact that we were not compatible at all. No similar interests, no similar beliefs, not similar emotionally, she wanted a doormat which I wasn't - Despite all this, I stuck with it because I was scared to be alone, wanted validation, if she loved me I was someone!!

 

Definitely have a lot to work on in terms of loving myself. It's like I'm scared to be alone with myself, and I don't even know why.

[smellysocksuni]

So I'm here again, late night ramblings...

 

Have really been struggling with these urges today, to call her (I don't have anything to say) but just to hear her voice - sounds ridiculous but thinking that she misses me as much as I miss her. Having serious doubts over the number and the email change. What if she decides she wants to reach out to me, etc. All those thoughts.

 

Am again in disbelief, denial. Is this really happening? but what about the trip we took together? What about future plans? What about all our inside jokes? If I'd have had more break ups I'd be a seasoned pro I guess, but this is my first and this is all so new. Can't sleep, can't eat. Having real trouble dealing with this. Have a therapist's appointment tomorrow so hopefully that will help in some way.