Stuck in Limbo (Update)

[smellysocksuni]

What did I do that was so awful she had to leave me? I didn't cheat on her, I didn't hurt her. Why do I have to go through this? Why am I ALWAYS in this position?!

[Zahara]

I don't think or know how I'm going to get through this. You all tell me to go for a walk and to stay busy, and that's wxactly what I've just tried to do. But the problem is, the surrounding area where I live is where we used to hang out. Even the park across the road is where we met for the first time. How am I supposed to cope with this?! Everytime I step out of my house I'm reminded and everytime I'm indoors I'm reminded.

 

And where is she? Does she care? NO

 

We've all been through this. I told you this a number of times that you just dug at your wound and you are raw. You're going to feel like this for awhile. I lived down the street from my ex. I had to drive past his house, go to the same grocery stores, seeing other cars parked outside his garage, the movie theatre, the sandwich shop, the post office, the park where we used to exercise -- all freaking reminders -- I made it through. I coped. I cried while picking up laundry detergent because every f'n bottle of Tide reminded me of him. I cried everytime I had to drive by his house. I had to repeatedly shout in my head through my tears to not look to see if a car was parked infront of his garage. I cried at the sandwich shop because I remembered his favorite. It was incredibly painful. There is no alternative but to push and bear.

 

You want a quick fix. There is no quick fix. No going around it but through it. You're not going to die. You're going to go through pain. You will bear the pain and you will go through day by day feeling like someone is continually punching you in the gut.

 

She's gone. She's emotionally detached.

[Zahara]

What did I do that was so awful she had to leave me? I didn't cheat on her, I didn't hurt her. Why do I have to go through this? Why am I ALWAYS in this position?!

 

People evolve, their feelings change. Their needs and wants change. The best of partners are abandoned. I was a good partner to my ex but he still cheated on me. Couples that have been married for decades with years of history and commitment, walk away from each other. Relationships are risks. Nothing is a guarantee.

[BC1980]

I don't think or know how I'm going to get through this. You all tell me to go for a walk and to stay busy, and that's wxactly what I've just tried to do. But the problem is, the surrounding area where I live is where we used to hang out. Even the park across the road is where we met for the first time. How am I supposed to cope with this?! Everytime I step out of my house I'm reminded and everytime I'm indoors I'm reminded.

 

For awhile, everything is going to remind you of her. There is just no getting around that, but, over time, by consistently trying to do different things and doing familiar things without her, a new life will emerge. I remember going on a trip for the first time without him and crying at the airport. I cried on the plane, at the hotel, and at many points during the trip. I hiked a lot with my ex on our trips, and, on my first solo hike, I cried for probably half of the hike. But I made myself do it, no matter how badly I wanted to pack up and go home. It's sucks. I'm not going to sugar coat it, but you can make it through.

[BC1980]

What did I do that was so awful she had to leave me? I didn't cheat on her, I didn't hurt her. Why do I have to go through this? Why am I ALWAYS in this position?!

 

You didn't do anything wrong. That is as common fallacy of breakups. "If only I had been good enough, said the right things, done the right things." It's all BS. People's feelings change for reasons we don't understand. Even our own feelings change over time. Besides, she sounds unstable and not that great to me, so I certainly wouldn't judge yourself based on her assessment of you. She is the last person's opinion I would take into account.

[smellysocksuni]

We've all been through this. I told you this a number of times that you just dug at your wound and you are raw. You're going to feel like this for awhile. I lived down the street from my ex. I had to drive past his house, go to the same grocery stores, seeing other cars parked outside his garage, the movie theatre, the sandwich shop, the post office, the park where we used to exercise -- all freaking reminders -- I made it through. I coped. I cried while picking up laundry detergent because every f'n bottle of Tide reminded me of him. I cried everytime I had to drive by his house. I had to repeatedly shout in my head through my tears to not look to see if a car was parked infront of his garage. I cried at the sandwich shop because I remembered his favorite. It was incredibly painful. There is no alternative but to push and bear.

 

You want a quick fix. There is no quick fix. No going around it but through it. You're not going to die. You're going to go through pain. You will bear the pain and you will go through day by day feeling like someone is continually punching you in the gut.

 

She's gone. She's emotionally detached.

 

You lived down the street from your ex? That must have been absolute hell, I wouldn't have been able to get through that at ALL.

[Zahara]

You lived down the street from your ex? That must have been absolute hell, I wouldn't have been able to get through that at ALL.

 

And I caught him having sex with someone else. That same bed I slept in. Socks, if I could get through that pain, you can get through this.

 

I crawled on all fours out of his house to my car. My legs were so weak and I was trembling so badly. I was crying so hard I couldn't even see. I kept gagging. I don't know how I drove myself home. I went from that to a year later seeing him and being able to smile and walk away. I didn't feel a thing. I did feel elated that I was free of him.

 

Everyone will get over their pain in their own time but I never will believe when you or anyone says that they will NEVER get over it. You will. You may still remember and think about it but it won't hurt you as badly as it did.

[smellysocksuni]

And I caught him having sex with someone else. That same bed I slept in. Socks, if I could get through that pain, you can get through this.

 

I crawled on all fours out of his house to my car. My legs were so weak and I was trembling so badly. I was crying so hard I couldn't even see. I kept gagging. I don't know how I drove myself home. I went from that to a year later seeing him and being able to smile and walk away. I didn't feel a thing. I did feel elated that I was free of him.

 

Everyone will get over their pain in their own time but I never will believe when you or anyone says that they will NEVER get over it. You will. You may still remember and think about it but it won't hurt you as badly as it did.

 

Oh my gosh, that is horrendous - wow. Oh wow. OK now I feel quite stupid moaning about some girl that moved out! How long were you together, can I ask? Wow.

 

Of course I'll get over this, it's just the process that is annoying. All the blame, the crying blah blah. But yes, we all get there one day don't we.

[Kevin_D]

And I caught him having sex with someone else. That same bed I slept in. Socks, if I could get through that pain, you can get through this.

 

I crawled on all fours out of his house to my car. My legs were so weak and I was trembling so badly. I was crying so hard I couldn't even see. I kept gagging. I don't know how I drove myself home. I went from that to a year later seeing him and being able to smile and walk away. I didn't feel a thing. I did feel elated that I was free of him.

 

Everyone will get over their pain in their own time but I never will believe when you or anyone says that they will NEVER get over it. You will. You may still remember and think about it but it won't hurt you as badly as it did.

 

In a way, that may have been a blessing in disguise. It doesn't matter if you were the worst girlfriend ever; That behavior is still totally unacceptable. The pain must be intense, but at least, you knew he was an *******.

 

Gaslighting may not hurt the same way, but it drives you insane. My ex made me believe that she was flawless, the perfect partner, but that she had finally had to leave because I treated her so badly. It took me a year to realise how much she manipulated me, and yet I still forget about this and think of her as a saint from time to time, even though they people around me can't even hear her name without getting angry.

[Zahara]

Oh my gosh, that is horrendous - wow. Oh wow. OK now I feel quite stupid moaning about some girl that moved out! How long were you together, can I ask? Wow.

 

Of course I'll get over this, it's just the process that is annoying. All the blame, the crying blah blah. But yes, we all get there one day don't we.

 

We were together for over 2.5 years. Don't feel stupid for how you feel. You're entitled to feel what you feel. It's painful regardless of the circumstances of each and every ending. I told you that because I wanted you to know that it won't always be this way. It's annoying and it's always just there bugging the hell out of you but there is going to come a day when you'll be free of it. Saying those words -- always and never and forever -- self-limiting, unrealistic and it only pushes you down that dark hole even further. It's normal that you feel defeated and broken but it will get better, I promise you.

[smellysocksuni]

You didn't do anything wrong. That is as common fallacy of breakups. "If only I had been good enough, said the right things, done the right things." It's all BS. People's feelings change for reasons we don't understand. Even our own feelings change over time. Besides, she sounds unstable and not that great to me, so I certainly wouldn't judge yourself based on her assessment of you. She is the last person's opinion I would take into account.

 

I understand. I try not to blame myself but it is hard because, at the end of the day - she left me. But - in a year, I will probably not even care about all of this. I'll probably check back in to this forum and laugh at how I was carrying on.

 

 

In a way, that may have been a blessing in disguise. It doesn't matter if you were the worst girlfriend ever; That behavior is still totally unacceptable. The pain must be intense, but at least, you knew he was an *******.

 

Gaslighting may not hurt the same way, but it drives you insane. My ex made me believe that she was flawless, the perfect partner, but that she had finally had to leave because I treated her so badly. It took me a year to realise how much she manipulated me, and yet I still forget about this and think of her as a saint from time to time, even though they people around me can't even hear her name without getting angry.

 

I can't even begin to tell you - this is pretty much her. "My only flaw is that I don't tidy up" - a direct quote. I feel like I messed it up, that I'll never be happy but... obviously I'm in a fog. Wow, Kevin. Are you sure it's not the same girl? Also, yeah...all of my friends and family think the same about her.. they can't stand her :/

 

We were together for over 2.5 years. Don't feel stupid for how you feel. You're entitled to feel what you feel. It's painful regardless of the circumstances of each and every ending. I told you that because I wanted you to know that it won't always be this way. It's annoying and it's always just there bugging the hell out of you but there is going to come a day when you'll be free of it. Saying those words -- always and never and forever -- self-limiting, unrealistic and it only pushes you down that dark hole even further. It's normal that you feel defeated and broken but it will get better, I promise you.

 

Thank you Zahara - you've actually been an angel on here, I have to thank you for taking time out of your day to listen to me prattle on and on about the same thing again and again xx

[Kevin_D]

I can't even begin to tell you - this is pretty much her. "My only flaw is that I don't tidy up" - a direct quote. I feel like I messed it up, that I'll never be happy but... obviously I'm in a fog. Wow, Kevin. Are you sure it's not the same girl? Also, yeah...all of my friends and family think the same about her.. they can't stand her :/

 

Yeah, my ex enjoyed telling me how everyone thought she was "perfect". If I criticized something she did, she would say: "Everyone envies me, but my own boyfriend complains!". And for some reason, she made me feel bad. I had the girl of my dreams, and yet I complained.

[smellysocksuni]

Yeah, my ex enjoyed telling me how everyone thought she was "perfect". If I criticized something she did, she would say: "Everyone envies me, but my own boyfriend complains!". And for some reason, she made me feel bad. I had the girl of my dreams, and yet I complained.

 

LOL. These people, man. Is that a narcissist? What is it? Mine used to take selfies, and show me and say, "THAT is your girlfriend, isn't she sexy?" erm.... ok :/

 

The behaviour is so odd. It's like they BELIEVE they're perfect, flawless... but no-one is, so how on Earth do they think THEY are?

[Zahara]

Thank you Zahara - you've actually been an angel on here, I have to thank you for taking time out of your day to listen to me prattle on and on about the same thing again and again xx

 

You are welcome, Socks. Prattle on as much as you want.

 

(((Hugs for you)))

[Kevin_D]

LOL. These people, man. Is that a narcissist? What is it? Mine used to take selfies, and show me and say, "THAT is your girlfriend, isn't she sexy?" erm.... ok :/

 

Mine would send me 50 selfies and ask me to pick out the hottest one, so she could use it as her profile photo on Facebook. She made me believe that she did this because she wanted people to see that I had a hot girlfriend... However, today I'm rather convinced that she just wanted a male's perpective so that it would increase her chances of getting attention from my replacement.

[smellysocksuni]

Mine would send me 50 selfies and ask me to pick out the hottest one, so she could use it as her profile photo on Facebook. She made me believe that she did this because she wanted people to see that I had a hot girlfriend... However, today I'm rather convinced that she just wanted a male's perpective so that it would increase her chances of getting attention from my replacement.

 

Jesus. She used to do that to me, too. Very vain, these people. I find that a very unattractive trait in someone. Much prefer someone who is stunningly beautiful but doesn't realise it. You and I are obviously much better off without these people.... you still seem hurt though when you talk about her

[BC1980]

I understand. I try not to blame myself but it is hard because, at the end of the day - she left me. But - in a year, I will probably not even care about all of this. I'll probably check back in to this forum and laugh at how I was carrying on.

 

It's very difficult in the immediate aftermath of the breakup. Up until now, her opinion mattered greatly to you because you loved her. I loved my ex with all my heart, truly loved him despite his flaws. So of course, it hurts badly when that person thinks you aren't good enough. My self-esteem was low, and I've always been a people pleaser, a fixer, the one who wants to take care of people. So I was a sitting duck for someone like my ex. I judged myself so harshly and tried to change myself to get my ex back. Heck, I had already changed so much during the relationship, what was left to change? It was never good enough. I could never have been good enough to please him because he didn't love me unconditionally. He sees people as objects, only good for what he wants and needs. Once I understood that, it was easier to detach from him. Oh, it still hurt, but I was able to see him for who he was. One of my big downfalls was giving him slack because of his past. He had abusive parents, one parent abandoned him, and his first wife died. I thought I could love him into a functional relationship, but it doesn't work that way.

 

This guy promised me the moon, said we would spend our lives together, wanted me to adopt his son. Now, he's engaged to some other woman, living in the house we fixed up, and I'm sure she will adopt his son. It's surreal to think that they are planning the wedding I was supposed to have with him. I no longer love him, but it's just surreal to think about it. He threw me out like trash once he had used me up for what I was worth to him. Never showed much remorse or guilt. He just kept going and never missed a beat. I'm better off without him, but there was a time that I was very nearly suicidal. It was a struggle to get up and go to work. It was hard to go out with friend and laugh. Hard to even enjoy things like a vacation or reading a book. I remember wanting to lie on the floor and just cry my eyes out.

 

Trust me, if I can move on from those days, you can too. It is possible, but you've got to commit to NC. That's your best defense right now. During my year of NC, I was able to grieve properly and come to terms with the relationship ending. I was recently able to come to acceptance and file it away as a life experience, and I was worried I would never see that day.

[Kevin_D]

Jesus. She used to do that to me, too. Very vain, these people. I find that a very unattractive trait in someone. Much prefer someone who is stunningly beautiful but doesn't realise it. You and I are obviously much better off without these people.... you still seem hurt though when you talk about her

 

Yeah, she was my best friend for 6 years. She wasn't always like this. When we met, she didn't seem to care so much about how she looked. She was more interesting in drawing and writing.

 

It's so funny... When I met her, I was told that she wasn't good-looking enough. And when she left me, I was told that she was too good-looking and vain. We grew together. I made her believe in herself. I made her realise how beautiful she was. And then she transformed into this grandiouse, lying, shallow monster.

 

I don't know what happened. Maybe she inherited bipolar disorder from her mother. Maybe her mother's suicide really messed her up emotionally. Maybe she just changed. But ironically, I still believe she was perfect a couple of years before she started calling herself perfect.

 

It's so sad that the person I loved so deeply doesn't exist anymore.

[BC1980]

Jesus. She used to do that to me, too. Very vain, these people. I find that a very unattractive trait in someone. Much prefer someone who is stunningly beautiful but doesn't realise it. You and I are obviously much better off without these people.... you still seem hurt though when you talk about her

 

My ex would want to take a lot of pictures of me and was obsessed with how I looked. He was also obsessed with how he looked. He would tell me I need to work on certain areas of my body, like I was some object. Who the h*ll says that to someone, unsolicited? I was always scared of gaining any weight because I knew he would leave me if I did.

[Kevin_D]

My ex would want to take a lot of pictures of me and was obsessed with how I looked. He was also obsessed with how he looked. He would tell me I need to work on certain areas of my body, like I was some object. Who the h*ll says that to someone, unsolicited? I was always scared of gaining any weight because I knew he would leave me if I did.

 

I think it depends. I wouldn't be too happy if my girlfriend suddenly gained 20 pounds. I wouldn't break up with her because of it, but I would definitely tell her that it was a problem. At least that's more honest than telling her that she's perfect in my eyes and then run off with some Victoria's Secrets model.

[BC1980]

I think it depends. I wouldn't be too happy if my girlfriend suddenly gained 20 pounds. I wouldn't break up with her because of it, but I would definitely tell her that it was a problem. At least that's more honest than telling her that she's perfect in my eyes and then run off with some Victoria's Secrets model.

 

Well, the reality is that people's appearances changes over their lifetimes. People gain and loose weight, get wrinkles, loose muscle tone, loose hair, ect. Women's bodies change after childbirth and get stretch marks. I'm not saying to let yourself go completely, but my ex was literally obsessed with appearances. He would constantly scrutinize other people too. I was never even overweight, but he would tell me that if I gained weight, it would reflect badly on him. Nobody needs to hear that from a loved one. He definitely had some weird hang ups with regards to weight, and he would always make fun of anyone overweight. It's just not necessary.

 

Anyway, to tie it back in with the OP's problems, never be in a relationship where you don't feel secure in the other person's love. That was my biggest take away with my ex. I never felt secure in his love or commitment, and it's honestly a huge waste of time and your life to be in a situation like that.

[smellysocksuni]

Finding it quite hard, today. I spoke to a friend earlier and the conversation ended up on my ex - I was then told to "just get over it, now!". So then I started wondering, should I be over it? Should I be out there sleeping around, not giving a hoot? If I could "just get over it" I would. I'm not enjoying this! I know she's my friend and probably just trying to help, but it annoyed me.

 

I've also been thinking about things from a dumper's perspective... I mean, do they miss the dumpee? Or what? I'm confused. I know they emotionally detach, etc. I don't know. Perhaps I'm just hoping that I haven't been totally forgotten - whatever.

 

I've said to myself that if worst comes to worst, I will reach out to my ex on the 1st of January next year - I know by then I probably won't want to or even care, but I have found that setting myself that target has helped - albeit slightly.

 

I also have a friend who has just split up from their girlfriend, but he seems to be much more advanced in terms of moving on. I just question why it seems to be taking me so long, or why I have taken it so badly. It's been 5 days of NC and I have also found out I've been blocked by her (I didn't have her contact details saved to my phone, I saved them to see if she had been online on WhatsApp and I have been blocked - no profile picture or contact info - yes, I know but it was a weak moment)

 

I've been reading about a guy called Dougie Poynter who's partner dumped him, moved on almost instantly and he ended up in rehab with depression. He got mocked quite openly for that - people telling him to "man up" etc. But I feel in the same position as him, if I could check into rehab I probably would.

 

I've got a counselling session coming up and have referred myself to a psychological health group, I know I need the help, to be honest.

Edited February 12, 2015 by smellysocksuni

[ZiggyZoo]

It'll take as long as it takes. And your friend may no be nearly as ok with everything as he seems to be. I think that people who "get over" their exes quickly like that are just pushing it all down inside to please those around them anyway. And the way you are doing it, by confronting it and dealing with it will lead to a much healthier relationship in the future.

 

There's nothing wrong with being brokenhearted, for crying out loud. I think seeing a therapist is a great idea, mine was a lifesaver when my ex-husband left me.

[BC1980]

Finding it quite hard, today. I spoke to a friend earlier and the conversation ended up on my ex - I was then told to "just get over it, now!". So then I started wondering, should I be over it? Should I be out there sleeping around, not giving a hoot? If I could "just get over it" I would. I'm not enjoying this! I know she's my friend and probably just trying to help, but it annoyed me.

 

I've also been thinking about things from a dumper's perspective... I mean, do they miss the dumpee? Or what? I'm confused. I know they emotionally detach, etc. I don't know. Perhaps I'm just hoping that I haven't been totally forgotten - whatever.

 

I've said to myself that if worst comes to worst, I will reach out to my ex on the 1st of January next year - I know by then I probably won't want to or even care, but I have found that setting myself that target has helped - albeit slightly.

 

I also have a friend who has just split up from their girlfriend, but he seems to be much more advanced in terms of moving on. I just question why it seems to be taking me so long, or why I have taken it so badly. It's been 5 days of NC and I have also found out I've been blocked by her (I didn't have her contact details saved to my phone, I saved them to see if she had been online on WhatsApp and I have been blocked - no profile picture or contact info - yes, I know but it was a weak moment)

 

I've been reading about a guy called Dougie Poynter who's partner dumped him, moved on almost instantly and he ended up in rehab with depression. He got mocked quite openly for that - people telling him to "man up" etc. But I feel in the same position as him, if I could check into rehab I probably would.

 

I've got a counselling session coming up and have referred myself to a psychological health group, I know I need the help, to be honest.

 

Stop comparing yourself to others and listening to people who tell you to move on after 5 days. You have no clue how far along the other guy is because all you see is what he projects. During some of my darkest times, a guy at work told me how I was so funny and how I aalways see the good in life. I thought, wow, I'm good at projecting a certain image when I need to.

 

One thing I learned when I was going through my breakup is that if people have never been through this, they don't get it. They think you are overreacting and dramatizing it. Society places value judgements on what type of grief is more valid than other types. It's more acceptable to grieve for a spouse that died as opposed to a breakup or divorce. If someone treated you badly, you are expected to move on more quickly, which isn't realistic at all. It's worse for men because you are socialized not to show emotions. My advice is to find a confidant who can relate to and empathize with you.

[smellysocksuni]

It'll take as long as it takes. And your friend may no be nearly as ok with everything as he seems to be. I think that people who "get over" their exes quickly like that are just pushing it all down inside to please those around them anyway. And the way you are doing it, by confronting it and dealing with it will lead to a much healthier relationship in the future.

 

There's nothing wrong with being brokenhearted, for crying out loud. I think seeing a therapist is a great idea, mine was a lifesaver when my ex-husband left me.

 

I'm due to see three different people, hopefully it might help. Have never really done therapy before but clearly I need it.

 

He's joined all these classes, has a date on Valentine's Day and is like "well, I've made the effort!" I just feel like... I'm not at that stage yet.

 

I think you're right about confronting it. Dealing with it all head on and getting it all out is much better than distracting yourself from it.