Stuck in Limbo (Update)

[smellysocksuni]

Stop comparing yourself to others and listening to people who tell you to move on after 5 days. You have no clue how far along the other guy is because all you see is what he projects. During some of my darkest times, a guy at work told me how I was so funny and how I aalways see the good in life. I thought, wow, I'm good at projecting a certain image when I need to.

 

One thing I learned when I was going through my breakup is that if people have never been through this, they don't get it. They think you are overreacting and dramatizing it. Society places value judgements on what type of grief is more valid than other types. It's more acceptable to grieve for a spouse that died as opposed to a breakup or divorce. If someone treated you badly, you are expected to move on more quickly, which isn't realistic at all. It's worse for men because you are socialized not to show emotions. My advice is to find a confidant who can relate to and empathize with you.

 

I thought I had a confidant - my friend - but I'm starting to feel left behind. He has a date, for Saturday. I'm just like...what? I'm nowhere near that. I think there are those who break ups really affect, and then those who just throw themselves into work or whatever, who "just get on with it".

[BC1980]

I thought I had a confidant - my friend - but I'm starting to feel left behind. He has a date, for Saturday. I'm just like...what? I'm nowhere near that. I think there are those who break ups really affect, and then those who just throw themselves into work or whatever, who "just get on with it".

 

It depends on how attached you were to the person, how much you invested in them, how much you viewed them as permanent in your future. It depends a lot on how you view yourself, your self-esteem, and also what type of treatment you took from your ex. I took a lot of sh*t treatment and thought about leaving twice. I was broken down emotionally after my last ex, and it took a year of NC to begin to feel that I could move on.

 

In college, I got over an ex of 2 years (on and off) in a few months, but that's because I never saw a future with him. We were always off and on, and I didn't truly love him. Another guy I dated for 4 months, and it took me 6 months to move on. That's because I actually saw a future with that guy and could have fallen in love with him. Also, he disappeared one day, and I never heard from him again, so I was left very confused. Each relationship is different.

 

If you are the one dumped, you are going to have a worse time than the dumper. There's no way around that. Also, just because someone is dating doesn't mean they should be or are totally healed. I went on a few dates 8 months after my breakup, and it still felt really weird. I wasn't ready. It takes as long as it takes, and it's all relative. It's far better to give yourself the time to properly grieve and grow than to jump into bed with someone else to alleviate the pain.

 

Right now, your focus needs to be on recovery and healing.

[smellysocksuni]

I haven't heard anything from her for a week now... I know I'm not going to but it upsets me because it just makes me feel like crap.

[Kevin_D]

I haven't heard anything from her for a week now... I know I'm not going to but it upsets me because it just makes me feel like crap.

 

It's better this way, believe me.

[smellysocksuni]

It's better this way, believe me.

 

Is it? It doesn't feel that way. I know it is in the long term, but .... ugh. I've joined a gym, anyway. I can't really afford it and don't really want to go but I need the distraction

[BC1980]

I haven't heard anything from her for a week now... I know I'm not going to but it upsets me because it just makes me feel like crap.

 

She'll contact you again. She will reach out in some way, direct or indirect. Her type can't stand to be ignored.

[Oregon_Dude]

Oh man, many vibes to you. You don't realize it now, but at some point in the future you're going to look back on this relationship and wonder how the heck you stayed so long with someone who treated you like crap.

 

Relationships are difficult, and LDR's are the most difficult. I have done the long-distance thing, and will never do it again. IME, one needs to see his/her partner at least a couple times a week for that closeness to be there. In LDR's, it's just too easy for one partner to stray and start talking to someone else (and much more than talking).

 

I'm sorry you're hurting right now. Do not contact her, and if she contacts you, just ignore whatever she says. Start processing the fact that this relationship is over. It's OK. You need to be by yourself for a while to start realizing what you love about yourself, and that you are a good person, and the stuff she says about you simply isn't true.

 

People often take their partners for granted after a certain amount of time in a relationship. This is one reason that I'm not eager to get back into one. Now is the time for you, without her, to get your life back. There will be another woman at some point, and you will be much more experienced and able to see what a good woman looks and feels like.

 

I say all this as someone who has been hurt many times by several different women. I have gained invaluable experience, and the knowledge that a relationship for the sake of having one, is pretty unsubstantial. Look at Valentine's Day, for example. A lot of lonely people wishing they had a partner. But! Being single is great, and having a partner does not make you or break you.

 

Good luck. Be kind to yourself.

 

OD

[smellysocksuni]

I am really having a difficult day. I woke up with the horrible realisation that she no longer cares about me, has no obligation toward me and that I am no longer a part of her life. I don't know where she is, where she lives - and I have become obsessed with trying to find ways to "get her back". Despite the fact that she's blocked me from her phone, hasn't reached out to me whatsoever and is probably spending Valentine's with someone else, I still feel like I'm obsessed with her.

 

I've joined a gym, spent the day with family but all I can think about is her. I desperately want to contact her but I don't even know what I want to say, and I know it will make me look ridiculous, sad, needy, desperate etc.

 

But the problem is that I love her so much, and I just want her back and I am finding this INCREDIBLY difficult. I don't know what I want anyone to say, I just wanted to get this all out.

 

It's been 7 days NC and I'm really, REALLY struggling. So much. And she hasn't reached out once, which I know would set me back but what dumpee doesn't wish their ex to get back in touch.

Edited February 14, 2015 by smellysocksuni

[Zahara]

7 days NC is nothing, unfortunately. Barely a scratch on the surface. It gets worse before it gets better. I'm sorry Socks.

 

These are urges and you have to stay strong and push forward. You're panicking and realizing the finality of it. You're scared of accepting the fact that it's really over but the alternative isn't reaching out and trying to hold on to her leg.

[BC1980]

I am really having a difficult day. I woke up with the horrible realisation that she no longer cares about me, has no obligation toward me and that I am no longer a part of her life. I don't know where she is, where she lives - and I have become obsessed with trying to find ways to "get her back". Despite the fact that she's blocked me from her phone, hasn't reached out to me whatsoever and is probably spending Valentine's with someone else, I still feel like I'm obsessed with her.

 

I've joined a gym, spent the day with family but all I can think about is her. I desperately want to contact her but I don't even know what I want to say, and I know it will make me look ridiculous, sad, needy, desperate etc.

 

But the problem is that I love her so much, and I just want her back and I am finding this INCREDIBLY difficult. I don't know what I want anyone to say, I just wanted to get this all out.

 

It's been 7 days NC and I'm really, REALLY struggling. So much. And she hasn't reached out once, which I know would set me back but what dumpee doesn't wish their ex to get back in touch.

 

All of this is normal right after you start NC. The panic, anxiety, feeling absolutely crazy. I had bouts of anxiety for about 3 months after I went NC. I didn't have anxiety all the time, but it was on and off. Right now, your emotions are haywire, and you don't even know what you feel from one moment to the next. You're being hit with all kinds of craziness. At this point, the best thing to do is stick to a routine. This is not the time for major changes or decisions. This is the time for crying and feeling like cr@p. Just say what you need to say here or to friends and family. This too shall pass.

[smellysocksuni]

7 days NC is nothing, unfortunately. Barely a scratch on the surface. It gets worse before it gets better. I'm sorry Socks.

 

These are urges and you have to stay strong and push forward. You're panicking and realizing the finality of it. You're scared of accepting the fact that it's really over but the alternative isn't reaching out and trying to hold on to her leg.

 

Lol, 7 days is nothing?! It feels like a lifetime, I have to be honest. I am panicking and realising that this is it - and I haven't contacted her today, which I'm proud of.

 

All of this is normal right after you start NC. The panic, anxiety, feeling absolutely crazy. I had bouts of anxiety for about 3 months after I went NC. I didn't have anxiety all the time, but it was on and off. Right now, your emotions are haywire, and you don't even know what you feel from one moment to the next. You're being hit with all kinds of craziness. At this point, the best thing to do is stick to a routine. This is not the time for major changes or decisions. This is the time for crying and feeling like cr@p. Just say what you need to say here or to friends and family. This too shall pass.

 

I do feel crazy. I think my friends and family are a bit bored of it now.

 

I had a CBT session earlier with a therapist and have another one this coming Thursday, so hopefully that will help. I've also put my phone away as I had a bad habit of holding it or keeping it near me 24/7, hoping she'd have some miraculous change of heart and contact me.

[Zahara]

Lol, 7 days is nothing?! It feels like a lifetime, I have to be honest. I am panicking and realising that this is it - and I haven't contacted her today, which I'm proud of.

 

It feels like a lifetime because you're conscious and feeling every second of that pain. Time flies when you're having fun! But it feels like forever when you are suffering.

 

Yes, the finality is setting in. You're panicking trying to find some way to resurrect what's dying. It's normal. Just don't break NC. It will get better however slow the process takes.

[Ifonlyihadknown]

Socks,

 

She knows you feel like you do, it,s an easy one to work out. Listen to yourself, you,re falling apart, and she knows it!!! I,m in the same boat boat as you, but you gotta get your control back, once you,ve done that this will all make a lot more sense and you will have the strength to deal with it!

 

Ps, got one question for you, what are her family like? Same as yours? or different?

[smellysocksuni]

Socks,

 

She knows you feel like you do, it,s an easy one to work out. Listen to yourself, you,re falling apart, and she knows it!!! I,m in the same boat boat as you, but you gotta get your control back, once you,ve done that this will all make a lot more sense and you will have the strength to deal with it!

 

Ps, got one question for you, what are her family like? Same as yours? or different?

 

 

 

She doesn't care, though - and that's what hurts.

 

Her family are much more reserved and have a little bit more money than mine...

[Ifonlyihadknown]

She,s jealous of you, her family are strict, yours are not. I would go as deep to say that your family are close, loving and supporting. I would go further and say that hers are strict, controlling and go to church every Sunday. Not that that,s a bad thing but hey that,s just my opinion on church)

 

I,m telling you now the only way through this is to take control of your mind, and not let her have this control over your mind cuz you are going to end up being ill. And then she has beaten you. Time to fight my friend, not for her, but for yourself.

 

You WILL get her attention if you take back your mind from her, cuz she has stolen it, stamped up and down on it, and being the good person you are socks you never saw it happening.

 

I,m in the same place as you and I,m getting my mind back and it,s working, Understand?

[smellysocksuni]

She,s jealous of you, her family are strict, yours are not. I would go as deep to say that your family are close, loving and supporting. I would go further and say that hers are strict, controlling and go to church every Sunday. Not that that,s a bad thing but hey that,s just my opinion on church)

 

I,m telling you now the only way through this is to take control of your mind, and not let her have this control over your mind cuz you are going to end up being ill. And then she has beaten you. Time to fight my friend, not for her, but for yourself.

 

You WILL get her attention if you take back your mind from her, cuz she has stolen it, stamped up and down on it, and being the good person you are socks you never saw it happening.

 

I,m in the same place as you and I,m getting my mind back and it,s working, Understand?

 

You really think this? Based on what, did you read my thread? (I'm just wondering why you think this, that's all)

 

Also, her family don't really go to church but they are quite traditional, quite old fashioned... She told me she'd miss my family as they were "welcoming, nothing like mine whatsoever"

 

I have begun to get my mind back. I have made small changes and for the last hour have been making a list for ME, sometimes you just feel like...ugh... I need to stop living for someone else.

 

I don't know your story, man - but I am glad that you are beginning to get your mind back and that you are feeling positive! Also, thanks a lot for taking the time out to reply - it means a lot.

[smellysocksuni]

I've decided to change my number, today. I felt insulted that she blocked me on everything, despite me not actually doing anything wrong...

 

Part of me is in a panic, because I wanted to be friends but...she treats me so badly now, how is anything going to change? I didn't want to cut her out of my life but... I value myself a bit too highly to allow this person to remain.

 

I just feel sad because I loved her, I do love her and I just don't know why she's treating me so coldly.

[Zahara]

I've decided to change my number, today. I felt insulted that she blocked me on everything, despite me not actually doing anything wrong...

 

I think her blocking you is a blessing. You don't see it now but in time you'll see how much it helped you. I commend you for changing your number. It's a huge step, and a good one.

 

Part of me is in a panic, because I wanted to be friends but...she treats me so badly now, how is anything going to change? I didn't want to cut her out of my life but... I value myself a bit too highly to allow this person to remain.

 

How can she be your friend when she wasn't a good partner to you? She treated you badly in the relationship, so how can she be a friend? It's unrealistic thinking. "Friends" is a false sense of security. It is used to keep a foot in the door for fear of letting go.

 

II just feel sad because I loved her, I do love her and I just don't know why she's treating me so coldly.

 

It's because she's detached.

[smellysocksuni]

I think her blocking you is a blessing. You don't see it now but in time you'll see how much it helped you. I commend you for changing your number. It's a huge step, and a good one.

 

 

 

How can she be your friend when she wasn't a good partner to you? She treated you badly in the relationship, so how can she be a friend? It's unrealistic thinking. "Friends" is a false sense of security. It is used to keep a foot in the door for fear of letting go.

 

 

 

It's because she's detached.

 

But she didn't block me for any good reason - I know her, she blocked me because I annoyed her in some way. Also, the cold behaviour is just rude. There's detached, and then there's just simple respect. I changed my number because I don't want her reaching out to me when she's ready. In all my life I have never come across anyone as spoilt and as selfish as this.

[Zahara]

But she didn't block me for any good reason - I know her, she blocked me because I annoyed her in some way. Also, the cold behaviour is just rude. There's detached, and then there's just simple respect. I changed my number because I don't want her reaching out to me when she's ready. In all my life I have never come across anyone as spoilt and as selfish as this.

 

Sock's it's a breakup. It doesn't come in a nice little package with a bow and stars twirling around it. Breakups are ugly, painful, bitter, confusing, angry, etc.

 

What are you talking about respect? She never even respected you in the relationship. Why are you expecting someone to treat you with decency now? You're up in arms about how selfish she is now, but you stayed in a relationship with her when she was treating you badly.

 

You're ego is bruised. You're upset that she has the upper hand. You're bitter than she got away scot-free while you're in pain. All understandable. You need to stop questioning why she blocked, how could she block, how selfish she is -- when she was disrespectful to you even when you both were together. There's no surprise here.

[smellysocksuni]

Sock's it's a breakup. It doesn't come in a nice little package with a bow and stars twirling around it. Breakups are ugly, painful, bitter, confusing, angry, etc.

 

What are you talking about respect? She never even respected you in the relationship. Why are you expecting someone to treat you with decency now? You're up in arms about how selfish she is now, but you stayed in a relationship with her when she was treating you badly.

 

You're ego is bruised. You're upset that she has the upper hand. You're bitter than she got away scot-free while you're in pain. All understandable. You need to stop questioning why she blocked, how could she block, how selfish she is -- when she was disrespectful to you even when you both were together. There's no surprise here.

 

I keep thinking that I messed it up and that she did her best - am I brainwashed? Sorry... I just keep blaming myself.

 

Also, this is my first REAL break up. I mean, I've had girls disappear or quit after a couple of months so I guess that's why I just can't process this...

[Zahara]

I keep thinking that I messed it up and that she did her best - am I brainwashed? Sorry... I just keep blaming myself.

 

Also, this is my first REAL break up. I mean, I've had girls disappear or quit after a couple of months so I guess that's why I just can't process this...

 

Where is your list? When you feel "brainwashed" pull out your reality.

 

I know it's hard to process but when you start going of on a tangent about these things, consciously step back. Say to yourself, "Socks, stop dwelling on these things. The reality is that she was XYZ. (Read your list). I feel pain that she left but in the long run, this is going to be the best thing." Keep reinforcing those types of thoughts. Positive line of thinking. It is easy to start going down a dark hole, but you need to pull yourself out and stop dwelling.

 

Don't block her because you're playing tit for tat. Block her because you want to get better and heal and move on. Block her because you're done.

[smellysocksuni]

Where is your list? When you feel "brainwashed" pull out your reality.

 

I know it's hard to process but when you start going of on a tangent about these things, consciously step back. Say to yourself, "Socks, stop dwelling on these things. The reality is that she was XYZ. (Read your list). I feel pain that she left but in the long run, this is going to be the best thing." Keep reinforcing those types of thoughts. Positive line of thinking. It is easy to start going down a dark hole, but you need to pull yourself out and stop dwelling.

 

Don't block her because you're playing tit for tat. Block her because you want to get better and heal and move on. Block her because you're done.

 

That's what I've done. And that's why I've done it. I have never walked away from anyone but...I just can't deal with it, anymore. I am tired of lying awake crying, beating myself up for non-existent crimes, wondering if she's ever going to get in contact. I've had enough of being blocked and being talked down to like she's better than me. I want her to look around and think, Woah, where did he go?

[BC1980]

I keep thinking that I messed it up and that she did her best - am I brainwashed? Sorry... I just keep blaming myself.

 

Also, this is my first REAL break up. I mean, I've had girls disappear or quit after a couple of months so I guess that's why I just can't process this...

 

I think it's normal to blame yourself, and I think a lot of it comes from wanting to find anything you can control/fix to make it work again. The truth is that it takes two people, and no one is perfect in any relationship. As bad as my ex was, I made my mistakes as well. I blamed myself completely when he left me, but, as time went on, I was able to see that he wasn't even a good partner to begin with. He made me feel like there was something wrong with me and that I wasn't good enough. Sounds like your ex unfortunately.

 

When she did put you down or act superior, did you accept that treatment? Did you buy into it and try to "fix" yourself? I know that I did try to change for my ex, but it was never good enough. So I had a long way to go when he left me because I was still clinging to the idea that he was perfect, and I was the one who needed improvement to make it work.

[BC1980]

But she didn't block me for any good reason - I know her, she blocked me because I annoyed her in some way. Also, the cold behaviour is just rude. There's detached, and then there's just simple respect. I changed my number because I don't want her reaching out to me when she's ready. In all my life I have never come across anyone as spoilt and as selfish as this.

 

It honestly doesn't matter why she blocked you. It wouldn't have mattered if she had wanted to stay BFF with you. I know that at this point in the game, it matters a great deal what she thinks of you, but, in the grand scheme of life, she's isn't relevant to you. I had the ex who wanted to stay in my life, and it was honestly very confusing and delayed my healing. You don't want that. A clean break is best.