Stuck in Limbo (Update)

[smellysocksuni]

My ex got engaged 5 months after we stopped speaking. Talk about a slap in the face. He strung me along for 3 years, promising marriage. He strung me along for 8 months after the relationship ended, promising that he wanted to work it out but "needed time." I finally got the courage to go NC, and he was engaged 5 months later. The funny thing is that I didn't even find all of this out until after I had been NC for a year. And yes, this is the guy who just sent that stupid package to my parents' house last week. Still trying to get a rise out of me even when he's engaged to another woman.

 

After I found out, I still felt some hurt for a few days, but, overall, I don't care and am glad to be rid of his sorry self. He was like your ex. Had a line of women a mile long. I thought I was different, but I wasn't. I was just a person who was there, a placeholder to fill his time until he found the next person, the newer and shinier toy. His new woman won't be different either. Never trust those types. There's something really wrong with people who have a history of jumping from one person to the next. They are usually impulsive and lack an empathy for how the other person might feel. They see people as objects.

 

You will be okay in time, but I know you are shocked right now. Use this new information to kick this crazy b*tch to the curb for good. She sounds awful and heartless.

 

I have nothing left to say to her or any desire to find out anything about her life. It's funny, all day I have been with my friend and I was saying that no, I don't want to look at any of her pages as I don't want to see something that would upset me. I avoided her things for days - and the minute I checked.. bam. It's like I had a gut feeling, or something.

 

These people...it's like they have some sort of built in radar to find those who will put up with this treatment from them. Oh my God.

[BC1980]

I know that everything you're saying is true - it's a major red flag and I regret not spotting these things earlier, as I would have saved myself a lot of pain. I am choosing the wrong people. It hasn't even been two months since we split, so - she hasn't allowed herself to grieve, to mourn the end of a relationship. This thing, with whoever this is - it won't last. Not because I'm bitter, but because, it just won't. I feel sick that I even let someone like this fool me into thinking I was special.

 

It seems to be a common fallacy that we want to believe we are special to these people. I don't know why. Maybe it's our own egos that want to prove something, but you see this type of story a lot. People are always wanting to be the ones to snare these characters. Like it's an accomplishment to prove we are good enough to be "picked" by these people.

 

It might just be that we want, more than anything, to be special to another person. Some of us are willing to look past so many red flags to be supposedly loved by these people who aren't suitable. People who jump from one to the next lay it on thick too. I remember my ex going all out when we first met. Roses, taking me out to dinner all the time, paying for everything, talking about what it would be like when we were married within the first few months. Introducing me to his son on the second date. Calling me nearly everyday. I mistook all of that to mean that he really liked me and wanted to commit. I was very wrong though, and I've learned not to be conned into that cr@p again.

[BC1980]

These people...it's like they have some sort of built in radar to find those who will put up with this treatment from them. Oh my God.

 

They get something out of it, that's for sure. They enjoy having someone around who will crawl over broken glass to prove they are good enough to be with them. They always control the tempo of the relationship and the level of commitment. Keep in mind that you got something out of it too. There is a reason that you persisted in it, just like there was a reason I stayed. Focus on yourself now. It takes a lot of soul searching, but you need to really figure out why you stayed and how to avoid it in the future.

[smellysocksuni]

It seems to be a common fallacy that we want to believe we are special to these people. I don't know why. Maybe it's our own egos that want to prove something, but you see this type of story a lot. People are always wanting to be the ones to snare these characters. Like it's an accomplishment to prove we are good enough to be "picked" by these people.

 

It might just be that we want, more than anything, to be special to another person. Some of us are willing to look past so many red flags to be supposedly loved by these people who aren't suitable. People who jump from one to the next lay it on thick too. I remember my ex going all out when we first met. Roses, taking me out to dinner all the time, paying for everything, talking about what it would be like when we were married within the first few months. Introducing me to his son on the second date. Calling me nearly everyday. I mistook all of that to mean that he really liked me and wanted to commit. I was very wrong though, and I've learned not to be conned into that cr@p again.

 

She did that, too. I've been reading a lot on that Baggage Reclaim site, apparently this is a thing - like someone who makes a lot of promises early on and then fails to deliver them. Then they slowly decrease the attention and you're left reeling, and wondering what the hell happened.

 

With this person, whoever it is. Uploading declarations of love onto her Instagram page, her professional work page, and it hasn't even been two months? She's doing it again! I feel for whoever that is, they have no idea.

[smellysocksuni]

They get something out of it, that's for sure. They enjoy having someone around who will crawl over broken glass to prove they are good enough to be with them. They always control the tempo of the relationship and the level of commitment. Keep in mind that you got something out of it too. There is a reason that you persisted in it, just like there was a reason I stayed. Focus on yourself now. It takes a lot of soul searching, but you need to really figure out why you stayed and how to avoid it in the future.

 

I stayed because.. I am lonely. Low self-esteem. Poor self-image. Etc. I know all the reasons. I didn't even really get on with her, and had nothing in common but I still stayed and it still hurts despite all that.

[smellysocksuni]

I just can't stop thinking about the whole damn thing.

 

I'm so angry and just so hurt that I allowed her to do this to me. I'm on the verge of sending her an angry message - I won't, but I just feel so ANGRY

[BC1980]

I just can't stop thinking about the whole damn thing.

 

I'm so angry and just so hurt that I allowed her to do this to me. I'm on the verge of sending her an angry message - I won't, but I just feel so ANGRY

 

Don't send anything right now. Sit on it for awhile. The truth is that she doesn't care and won't be moved by anything you send.

[smellysocksuni]

Hey everyone,

 

I've been feeling a bit more level, break-up wise and moodwise which is great. I guess I'm in the acceptance stage, now.

 

I've just been thinking and reading about this Grass is Greener thing and I think that's what my ex has, unfortunately. She has a habit of leaving people and jumping into things straight away with someone else. It's sad, really. She will never truly be happy while she's like this.

 

Anyway. I don't feel so rejected and down now that I have realised this. It's not me, I'm a lovely person. I do my best in a relationship and I'm a gentle, kind soul. Lol, soppy but I think it's true.

 

I had changed my number but I have today found out that she was given it by a mutual 'friend' - I don't know why she would want it as she hasn't contacted me, but I know she has saved it into her phone. I found this a bit odd, to be honest. I'm trying not to read anything into it, such as wanting me back, etc. I don't really think like that, anymore. I think it was a blessing that I found out she has someone else. It's sort of closed a chapter in my mind. I'm not going to change my number again - because I've already given it out to people, and it will cost me money to get it changed and I'm not financially flush, at the moment.

 

I am disappointed and frustrated in her for just walking away so easily, but I guess all that means is that she isn't someone I can trust, and I will have to just find my own happiness.

 

I do know, though. That if she came back to me right now asking to try again - I'd say no. The way she's hurt me, the breach of trust, everything. I'd turn her away just like that. I dislike her as a person and I genuinely don't want to talk to her or even to see her again. I just hope this feeling lasts.

Edited February 25, 2015 by smellysocksuni

[BC1980]

Hey everyone,

 

I've been feeling a bit more level, break-up wise and moodwise which is great. I guess I'm in the acceptance stage, now.

 

I've just been thinking and reading about this Grass is Greener thing and I think that's what my ex has, unfortunately. She has a habit of leaving people and jumping into things straight away with someone else. It's sad, really. She will never truly be happy while she's like this.

 

Anyway. I don't feel so rejected and down now that I have realised this. It's not me, I'm a lovely person. I do my best in a relationship and I'm a gentle, kind soul. Lol, soppy but I think it's true.

 

I had changed my number but I have today found out that she was given it by a mutual 'friend' - I don't know why she would want it as she hasn't contacted me, but I know she has saved it into her phone. I found this a bit odd, to be honest. I'm trying not to read anything into it, such as wanting me back, etc. I don't really think like that, anymore. I think it was a blessing that I found out she has someone else. It's sort of closed a chapter in my mind. I'm not going to change my number again - because I've already given it out to people, and it will cost me money to get it changed and I'm not financially flush, at the moment.

 

I am disappointed and frustrated in her for just walking away so easily, but I guess all that means is that she isn't someone I can trust, and I will have to just find my own happiness.

 

I do know, though. That if she came back to me right now asking to try again - I'd say no. The way she's hurt me, the breach of trust, everything. I'd turn her away just like that. I dislike her as a person and I genuinely don't want to talk to her or even to see her again. I just hope this feeling lasts.

 

You can block her number this time. I'm not surprised at her getting your new number. She probably wants to keep tabs on you. It's the idea that she doesn't want you, but she wants you to keep wanting her. It's a power thing. Based on her past, it's not surprising that she could walk away from you so easily. She probably never attached to you they way you did to her if she has a habit of doing this.

 

I don't think it's GIGS, but don't worry about the definition. Whatever it is, it's dysfunctional and unhealthy. She's not a person you need to involve yourself with. I think I've heard the term "vine swinger" to describe someone who moves from one relationship to the next.

[kolleamm]

Chasing her makes you look feminine, needy and controlling. Go have yourself an 80s training montage. Sounds like she'll check in on you. Don't change for her, change for you. If she likes the changes you make, she'll have a positive reaction. Else, find someone else.

 

Either way, don't chase.

 

I think you mean this

 

[smellysocksuni]

OK - I'm having a REALLY tough night!

 

Because she added my phone number again, I'm starting to obsess about the fact that she will come back into my life, will message me, etc.

 

I also can't stop thinking about the pair of them in bed together - I know that during the early stages she is a highly sexual person and it really bothers me. I have tried everything, staying busy in every way I can think of but it isn't going away.

 

Why is this break up affecting me so much? I mean, we weren't even suited!

 

The last time I spoke to her, she said that she was happy, had moved forward, etc. I feel sick at the thought of her being happy. I feel sick that I'm just a part of her past. I feel sick that she is now part of a unit with someone else. Do these feelings ever go away? Because I am also sick of feeling like this!!

 

I am also starting to obsess about her coming back to me - I keep thinking she'll get bored of this new person, will realise her mistake and come running back. But I know it's fruitless - I know how she is, she is totally wrapped up in whoever this is and isn't even thinking about me!! But yet I can't get these thoughts out of my head

 

This post probably hasn't made any sense. I feel like I should change my number again - to get me out of the feeling of waiting and hoping for contact. It will cost me money, but I feel like it will help.

Edited February 27, 2015 by smellysocksuni

[BC1980]

OK - I'm having a REALLY tough night!

 

Because she added my phone number again, I'm starting to obsess about the fact that she will come back into my life, will message me, etc.

 

I also can't stop thinking about the pair of them in bed together - I know that during the early stages she is a highly sexual person and it really bothers me. I have tried everything, staying busy in every way I can think of but it isn't going away.

 

Why is this break up affecting me so much? I mean, we weren't even suited!

 

The last time I spoke to her, she said that she was happy, had moved forward, etc. I feel sick at the thought of her being happy. I feel sick that I'm just a part of her past. I feel sick that she is now part of a unit with someone else. Do these feelings ever go away? Because I am also sick of feeling like this!!

 

I am also starting to obsess about her coming back to me - I keep thinking she'll get bored of this new person, will realise her mistake and come running back. But I know it's fruitless - I know how she is, she is totally wrapped up in whoever this is and isn't even thinking about me!! But yet I can't get these thoughts out of my head

 

This post probably hasn't made any sense. I feel like I should change my number again - to get me out of the feeling of waiting and hoping for contact. It will cost me money, but I feel like it will help.

 

All of it makes sense. It's all normal. I would simply block the number instead of changing it again. You can't change your number everytime she gets it because that would be exhausting. She's probably surprised and curious that you would change your number.

 

About the breakup affecting you so much. . . . I get it. My last breakup shook me to my core and changed what I viewed as nice and good about the world. I wondered why I was so traumatized by my ex when I had been through breakups before. After all was said and done, I felt like someone had run a scam on me. Like someone had taken advantage of me and gotten me to fall in love in the process. I can't even really describe the depths to which that can mess with you. How could someone look me in the face and betray me, moving to the next person without a hitch? How can someone seem so genuine at times? It messes with you, sock. It really does.

 

I still don't like to say his name. I can't bring myself to it. Even after getting to a place where I could never fathom wanting him back, the wound remains. I believe it will fully heal in time, but I've changed. Just wanted to let you know I understand.

[smellysocksuni]

All of it makes sense. It's all normal. I would simply block the number instead of changing it again. You can't change your number everytime she gets it because that would be exhausting. She's probably surprised and curious that you would change your number.

 

About the breakup affecting you so much. . . . I get it. My last breakup shook me to my core and changed what I viewed as nice and good about the world. I wondered why I was so traumatized by my ex when I had been through breakups before. After all was said and done, I felt like someone had run a scam on me. Like someone had taken advantage of me and gotten me to fall in love in the process. I can't even really describe the depths to which that can mess with you. How could someone look me in the face and betray me, moving to the next person without a hitch? How can someone seem so genuine at times? It messes with you, sock. It really does.

 

I still don't like to say his name. I can't bring myself to it. Even after getting to a place where I could never fathom wanting him back, the wound remains. I believe it will fully heal in time, but I've changed. Just wanted to let you know I understand.

 

Exactly, that's exactly how I'm feeling. She would say so many things like "we're the same person" or "you're my soulmate" - things that I had been waiting my whole life to hear from someone. She knew all about my bad past with relationships so I don't know... telling me these things really got me happy and look where she is now! In the arms of someone else. And everyday I think - she MUST be thinking about me, right? We were together for 16 months...OK, it's not 8 years but it's a substantial amount of time, right? You don't forget about that in 8 weeks?

 

And this damn Instagram post that I can't stop thinking about - that silly heart with the "this is me every day since you" quote - what?! Hang on a minute, but you were in a relationship with me while you took this person's number!! OMG the anger is building up inside me so much. I don't even know why I allowed myself to be fooled by this person.

 

I have blocked her, but because I have a Samsung I can only block her on WhatsApp - if I bar her number or her texts I will still get notifications that she contacted me so I think that's something I will have to just learn to deal with, like look at my phone less or whatever.

 

I'm so sorry I've rambled on, but I just can't believe I am in this situation, and I am desperate to be over her because she isn't that special - but I'm not and it just seems to be taking forever.

[Stercrazy]

You are going to vacilate between different emotions for a while.......sad, angry, secure, insecure....it's going to happen for a bit as you try to process this. That's normal. What you should do is who ever told you that she has your new number you need to explain to them that you don't want information on her. If it continues then you can't associate with them. Block her number! Remove all reminders and start over mentally.

[Simon Phoenix]

Just finished this and all I have to say is Thank God you've actually stuck to NC for a little bit. I wanted to wring your neck the first 10 or so pages for continuing to stay in contact. That being said, you got a long road ahead of you, but if you stick to the path and don't try to cut corners (be it talking to her or social media stalking) you'll get where you need to go.

 

You are in the early stages. You delayed your recovery a long time by continuing the contact, but you are finally on the road to getting to where you need to go. It's going to be a bumpy one, but in time the lows will feel less low and the highs will feel more high. You'll get there, but only if you do the work. You're finally doing the work, so at least your out of neutral and have started to travel down the road.

[smellysocksuni]

Just finished this and all I have to say is Thank God you've actually stuck to NC for a little bit. I wanted to wring your neck the first 10 or so pages for continuing to stay in contact. That being said, you got a long road ahead of you, but if you stick to the path and don't try to cut corners (be it talking to her or social media stalking) you'll get where you need to go.

 

You are in the early stages. You delayed your recovery a long time by continuing the contact, but you are finally on the road to getting to where you need to go. It's going to be a bumpy one, but in time the lows will feel less low and the highs will feel more high. You'll get there, but only if you do the work. You're finally doing the work, so at least your out of neutral and have started to travel down the road.

 

 

 

Thanks for the reply Simon.

 

I did delay my recovery, and I do regret it. I haven't checked anything of hers for a day. It's been hard.

 

I can't stop blaming myself but I guess that's normal.

[smellysocksuni]

After a lot of thinking, I have decided to change my number again. There are a few reasons... I guess I don't want to be disappointed when she doesn't contact me, and I also don't know when I will be healed. I don't want a nasty surprise in the form of a text or a call just when I'm starting to feel better, having it set me back. I also... I love her dearly (ask me why, I don't even know) but I feel extremely betrayed and let down by her and that is something that I am not sure I am ready to forgive in the near future. At this moment in time, I don't want her having any links to me. She doesn't get to keep me in her life. I have experienced too much pain due to this that I am not ready for small talk or updates of her life - and I don't know if I will ever be able to look at her or talk to her without remembering it all.

 

She is so used to people staying friends with her that I just feel she doesn't deserve it, this time. Regardless of why she left, the way the break up went was horrible and it broke me. So no, you have to say goodbye to me.

Edited February 27, 2015 by smellysocksuni

[Zahara]

This time inform your friends under no circumstance whatsoever should they share it with her. Tell your friends that if she asks, just tell her that the number is still the same as it was. Your friends should be putting your wellbeing a priority, not her needs.

[smellysocksuni]

This time inform your friends under no circumstance whatsoever should they share it with her. Tell your friends that if she asks, just tell her that the number is still the same as it was. Your friends should be putting your wellbeing a priority, not her needs.

 

 

Yes, I will be making sure of that. I don't intend to give those people my new number either. I still have no idea why she saved it, as she hasn't contacted me.

[Zahara]

Yes, I will be making sure of that. I don't intend to give those people my new number either. I still have no idea why she saved it, as she hasn't contacted me.

 

She's not contacting you now because things are probably going smooth in her life. She'll call when she needs attention.

[na49]

My ex is also pretty used to her ex boyfriends staying in her life. It seems like every ex boyfriend she ever had is still in her life in some way as a friend, or acquaintance. Not me though. She's either with me, or she loses me completely. It might be harsh, but I'm allowed to be selfish. She was allowed to be selfish when she left me twice.

 

Also, are you sure there is no way to just block her number?

[smellysocksuni]

My ex is also pretty used to her ex boyfriends staying in her life. It seems like every ex boyfriend she ever had is still in her life in some way as a friend, or acquaintance. Not me though. She's either with me, or she loses me completely. It might be harsh, but I'm allowed to be selfish. She was allowed to be selfish when she left me twice.

 

Also, are you sure there is no way to just block her number?

 

I can block her on Whatsapp, but there are several reasons this wouldn't be enough.. she could still call me - if I had an iPhone I would just block her calls, texts etc. Unless there's a way to block calls and sms on Samsung? The only way I've found so far is to filter them to Spam but I still get notified.

[smellysocksuni]

She's not contacting you now because things are probably going smooth in her life. She'll call when she needs attention.

 

This is why I'm changing it. I don't need this.

[na49]

I can block her on Whatsapp, but there are several reasons this wouldn't be enough.. she could still call me - if I had an iPhone I would just block her calls, texts etc. Unless there's a way to block calls and sms on Samsung? The only way I've found so far is to filter them to Spam but I still get notified.

 

If you call your service provider, I'm sure that you'll be able to block it. I have an iPhone now, but during the first breakup when I didn't, my service provider was able to block the number for 90 days. You could probably put a block on like that. In 90 days, hopefully you'll be in a better place than you are now, and maybe you won't even be worrying about reapplying it.

[smellysocksuni]

If you call your service provider, I'm sure that you'll be able to block it. I have an iPhone now, but during the first breakup when I didn't, my service provider was able to block the number for 90 days. You could probably put a block on like that. In 90 days, hopefully you'll be in a better place than you are now, and maybe you won't even be worrying about reapplying it.

 

I guess. I think, pyschologically it still feels like a link to her... I think I want to change it, to remove ALL links, all hope, all connections. I don't know, I'm just weird like that. If I feel like contacting her in a year I will, but I need to be in control. I just want a clean break.