Stuck in Limbo (Update)

[smellysocksuni]

Anyway - I don't expect anyone to reply, I'm just letting it out..

 

Today has been my first full day of NC - no looking at any online profiles, no anything. And it has felt weird, but I feel in control at least.

[BC1980]

Anyway - I don't expect anyone to reply, I'm just letting it out..

 

Today has been my first full day of NC - no looking at any online profiles, no anything. And it has felt weird, but I feel in control at least.

 

I think NC build momentum over time. I could not imagine reaching out to my ex at this point.

[smellysocksuni]

Today has been very hard. I think this is day 3 of NC (day one of FULL no cyber etc) and earlier I had written out a long message I wanted to send to her but I sent it to my friend instead, and I sat on it...until the urge had passed. I now am glad I didn't send it because I would have regretted it and I would have looked weak and just set myself back. I am finding this very hard and I am feeling awful - almost like the break up has just happened. But I think it's probably because I had my recovery delayed a while by staying in touch.

[Stercrazy]

Me and my ex recently touched base. It was my bday last week and I broke. Figuring maybe I can get some kind of vibe on where's she's at. We broke up in sept. Well she went back to her ex and I feel like we started the breakup over again. This time I said no more holiday or bday messages.

[smellysocksuni]

Me and my ex recently touched base. It was my bday last week and I broke. Figuring maybe I can get some kind of vibe on where's she's at. We broke up in sept. Well she went back to her ex and I feel like we started the breakup over again. This time I said no more holiday or bday messages.

 

You messaged her? It's horrible how it can go back to feeling like the break up has just happened. It's a horrible feeling.

[BC1980]

Today has been very hard. I think this is day 3 of NC (day one of FULL no cyber etc) and earlier I had written out a long message I wanted to send to her but I sent it to my friend instead, and I sat on it...until the urge had passed. I now am glad I didn't send it because I would have regretted it and I would have looked weak and just set myself back. I am finding this very hard and I am feeling awful - almost like the break up has just happened. But I think it's probably because I had my recovery delayed a while by staying in touch.

 

I'm so glad you sent the letter to your friend and not your ex. I read a book that actually recommended doing that because it validates how you feel to someone who is sympathetic and cares how you feel. I think letter writing can be very therapeutic, and I've written several unsent letters myself. Usually, after I wrote the letter, the urge to send it would pass. I would never send any letter without sitting on it because the urge to send a letter is usually borne from anger, sadness, or some other strong emotion. Don't make decisions when you are emotionally charged. I've written some letters and later realized how crazy the they made me look because my emotions were all over the place. How embarrassing it would have been to send those.

 

I actually did send a letter to my ex in the early days of our breakup. It was this long letter about how we could fix our problems, and he responded with one sentence. I was so upset that he didn't care anymore than he did, and I had just poured my heart out to him. He could have cared less. I think these letters are also attempts to get a reaction, to get some emotion from a person who simply doesn't care. I've learned not to invest my heart into someone who doesn't give a d@mn. There's no point in trying to get something positive out of a person who can't give you that. Once a person has emotionally checked out, just leave. Invest the energy and emotion into something else.

[BC1980]

You messaged her? It's horrible how it can go back to feeling like the break up has just happened. It's a horrible feeling.

 

Yes, you can have interactions where you feel the pain again. My ex invited me to meet up and have lunch with him about 6 months after our breakup. So I stupidly agreed. After lunch, he brought out this big box from his car that contained things I left at the house. He gave me the box, said "keep in touch," and drove off like nothing happened. Talk about mortified and hurt. I think he used the lunch as an excuse to meet because a lot of the stuff was too big or fragile to mail. I think he didn't want to feel like a complete arse by just dumping the stuff at my house.

[Stercrazy]

Yes. All I said was thanks and she sent a smiley face. After some texting and 2 phone calls I told her no more holiday or bday texts. It was too painful.

[NopeNah]

Yes, you can have interactions where you feel the pain again. My ex invited me to meet up and have lunch with him about 6 months after our breakup. So I stupidly agreed. After lunch, he brought out this big box from his car that contained things I left at the house. He gave me the box, said "keep in touch," and drove off like nothing happened. Talk about mortified and hurt. I think he used the lunch as an excuse to meet because a lot of the stuff was too big or fragile to mail. I think he didn't want to feel like a complete arse by just dumping the stuff at my house.

He didn't make you pay for lunch did he? Kidding! That would be horrible though!

[BC1980]

He didn't make you pay for lunch did he? Kidding! That would be horrible though!

 

Ha ha! No, he did actually pay for lunch. But he's still an a**hat;)

[smellysocksuni]

I'm starting to wonder if there's something wrong with me - I feel like I should be making steps to getting over this but for the last few days I've just been crying. The break up happened in January, I shouldn't still be feeling like this.

 

I can't believe she just moved on to someone else, just like that. It's not as if her and I were just dating - we lived together. We furnished a home together. I can't even go into the kitchen because she spent a lot of time cooking in there and everything just reminds me of her - I just tried to clean it up and I ended up crying and giving up.

 

All the cushions on the sofa we bought together, the bedsheets, the sofa, the herbs and spices that are on the rack, the tea towels, the cutlery, everything. I would love to be able to replace it all but I'm not able to because of money. Even the hooks in the bathroom, we had three - one for my initial, one for hers and one for the cat's (lol). The wall stickers in the bathroom I remember us sticking them up and laughing because we slipped on the bath.

 

I'm worried about my own mental health and I don't know what to do. I am running out of options - today I felt like just securing a rope to the loft hatch and ending it all, I don't know when this is going to end. I spent the day with my grandma and the whole day was just depressing because of me. I had to apologise for being down. I really try to lift my spirits but nothing is working. And what makes it worse is she's with someone else, someone she was tlaking to before she even broke up with me. Why is this happening to me, I don't deserve this.

 

I have been through so much pain in my life already that all I wanted was a small bit of happiness and now I'm in pain again. I am losing energy and the will to keep trying. I don't really like going on and on here but I don't even have anyone to talk to. I found out that she blocked me despite me not even talking to her (through the same friend that gave her my number) why take my number just to block me? Why is she doing all this? Why is she allowed to be happy and to succeed with a good job and a good life when I am at total rock bottom - she caused this and just gets to skip off with her new partner without a care in the world.

 

I know this is going to affect me for a while because I took all the gestures - meeting family, building a home - I took them all to mean something. But she's just gone without even looking back as if I spent everyday cheating on her or beating her up.

 

I just want this to be over.

Edited February 28, 2015 by smellysocksuni

[BC1980]

I'm starting to wonder if there's something wrong with me - I feel like I should be making steps to getting over this but for the last few days I've just been crying. The break up happened in January, I shouldn't still be feeling like this.

 

The first thing you need to go is get out of the mindset that you should be feeling any differently when you have been NC for 3 days. Basically, the relationship has been over for 3 days in your world. So your ex moved onto someone new immediately. Why is your ex the measuring stick to how quickly one should move on? The last thing you need to be doing is judging yourself for how you feel. You need to support yourself and have your back right now, and doing so is the first step in self-love. Don't compare yourself to other people, and work on realizing that it's okay to feel the way you feel. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling whatever you feel.

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm starting to wonder if there's something wrong with me - I feel like I should be making steps to getting over this but for the last few days I've just been crying. The break up happened in January, I shouldn't still be feeling like this.

 

You're feeling like this now because while the breakup itself might have happened in January, you spent six weeks delaying the process by staying in contact. So you are basically in day four of the breakup now. This is completely normal. You just have to ride it out.

[smellysocksuni]

You're feeling like this now because while the breakup itself might have happened in January, you spent six weeks delaying the process by staying in contact. So you are basically in day four of the breakup now. This is completely normal. You just have to ride it out.

 

I'm pleased to hear it's normal. I thought I was going mad.

[smellysocksuni]

Hey everyone

 

Just posting after a few days of more NC.

 

I've managed to go for a run for the first time in almost six months, so I feel good about that - I felt a bit weird doing it as usually when I went I'd obviously be coming home to her...minor I guess but just a little trigger. All in all I felt happy during the run with the music pumping etc.

 

Anyone have any tips on what to do when you're alone at home and you're just missing the ex... I've been drinking a lot of tea but I'm welcome to new ideas lol

[towardthefuture]

Hey everyone

 

Just posting after a few days of more NC.

 

I've managed to go for a run for the first time in almost six months, so I feel good about that - I felt a bit weird doing it as usually when I went I'd obviously be coming home to her...minor I guess but just a little trigger. All in all I felt happy during the run with the music pumping etc.

 

Anyone have any tips on what to do when you're alone at home and you're just missing the ex... I've been drinking a lot of tea but I'm welcome to new ideas lol

 

I watched an embarrassing amount of breakup movies. Can't even remember them all now. Swingers, Yes Man, Forgetting Sarah Marshall.......... many others.

[smellysocksuni]

I watched an embarrassing amount of breakup movies. Can't even remember them all now. Swingers, Yes Man, Forgetting Sarah Marshall.......... many others.

 

Think I will find a new series to watch on Netflix, that will pass a few hours won't it

[Ifonlyihadknown]

No Tips what to do with yourself but drink tea in the evenings Socks. Maybe read the following link and understand that your not that bad a guy. And one day some girl really worth it will get you completely buddy!

 

The Four Temperaments - Phlegmatic

[smellysocksuni]

No Tips what to do with yourself but drink tea in the evenings Socks. Maybe read the following link and understand that your not that bad a guy. And one day some girl really worth it will get you completely buddy!

 

The Four Temperaments - Phlegmatic

 

Thanks for that, I just read it...sounds just like me! Very interesting read.

 

Yeah, I hope so, buddy

[smellysocksuni]

I gotta say... this has been a nightmare and one of the worst times I've been through in a while.

[smellysocksuni]

I'm struggling a bit, today.

 

We used to go away together to her hometown, sometimes staying there for a couple of weeks or whatever in her friend's house with all the cats that I loved. I'd hang around with her and all her friends and family or we'd go for coffees in a local coffee shop or go to the beach and chill together. I just feel real sadness that I will never get to do that again with her, as I really enjoyed it, I really loved the area and we had always discussed moving there together when we got older.

 

We'd go to charity shops together and browse all the old second-hand items, go to markets together, I'd meet her dad, we'd chat.

 

It is just bugging me - I can't believe she is going to take someone else to do all this, that I have just been forgotten and replaced, that she just doesn't care, has cut me out of her life and has no remorse, no feelings for me whatsoever.

 

I don't know how to process this or to move forward from this. I can't stop thinking about it. All I want to do is to contact her and say look, what about all of this?! But she's blissfuly happy and I'm just an ex and that kills me.

[BC1980]

I'm struggling a bit, today.

 

We used to go away together to her hometown, sometimes staying there for a couple of weeks or whatever in her friend's house with all the cats that I loved. I'd hang around with her and all her friends and family or we'd go for coffees in a local coffee shop or go to the beach and chill together. I just feel real sadness that I will never get to do that again with her, as I really enjoyed it, I really loved the area and we had always discussed moving there together when we got older.

 

We'd go to charity shops together and browse all the old second-hand items, go to markets together, I'd meet her dad, we'd chat.

 

It is just bugging me - I can't believe she is going to take someone else to do all this, that I have just been forgotten and replaced, that she just doesn't care, has cut me out of her life and has no remorse, no feelings for me whatsoever.

I don't know how to process this or to move forward from this. I can't stop thinking about it. All I want to do is to contact her and say look, what about all of this?! But she's blissfuly happy and I'm just an ex and that kills me.

 

Yeah. . . . I get it. I've been there and even had a little nostalgia this weekend. The feeling of being replaced is something I can't even describe. I used to think of all the memories I had with my ex and wonder how he could just walk away. How could he go to his son's soccer tournaments without me? I was an integral part of that. How could he just insert someone else into that picture and go about life? Did it ever even bother him? It's just so upsetting when you are alone in your pain. Then, it occurred to me that he never cared that much about me. I was just one in a line of women who served the same purpose. Just show up, nod, be present, feed his ego. That's it.

 

How do you process all of this? Here are some books that I'd recommend. I needed help processing everything because I had never been in such dire straights.

 

"Getting Past Your Breakup" Susan Elliot

"The No Contact Rule" Natalie Lue

"Mars and Venus Starting Over" John Gray

 

You can't do it alone. Seek out friends who have been in similar situations. Most people who have been through this are open to listening to you and sharing experiences.

[smellysocksuni]

Yeah. . . . I get it. I've been there and even had a little nostalgia this weekend. The feeling of being replaced is something I can't even describe. I used to think of all the memories I had with my ex and wonder how he could just walk away. How could he go to his son's soccer tournaments without me? I was an integral part of that. How could he just insert someone else into that picture and go about life? Did it ever even bother him? It's just so upsetting when you are alone in your pain. Then, it occurred to me that he never cared that much about me. I was just one in a line of women who served the same purpose. Just show up, nod, be present, feed his ego. That's it.

 

How do you process all of this? Here are some books that I'd recommend. I needed help processing everything because I had never been in such dire straights.

 

"Getting Past Your Breakup" Susan Elliot

"The No Contact Rule" Natalie Lue

"Mars and Venus Starting Over" John Gray

 

You can't do it alone. Seek out friends who have been in similar situations. Most people who have been through this are open to listening to you and sharing experiences.

 

The parts in bold, those are the exact same thoughts I'm having. Today I felt sick all day, a horrid feeling in the pit of my stomach - I have never been through anything like this and I wish it was over. I used to want to be her friend, in the future but I have such hatred and disappointment for her that I never want to speak to her again.

 

I only have the one friend who had been cheated on but her life has moved forward in such a way that she is apparently talking to someone romantically and I used to talk to her about it, but I just feel like I'm bringing her down. My other friend keeps telling me to "get over it" and I just feel like I'm going mad. I was out earlier and just started crying in a park, and then I think I had some sort of panic attack - I couldn't breathe and my chest was all tight, I just had to get home. It sounds hilarious, and I bet in a year I'll be laughing at myself but this is horrible and doesn't seem to be getting any better.

 

I have an appointment with a mental health crisis team on Monday, my doctor has referred me to a fitness programme that starts on Wednesday and I have a counselling session but that isn't until April. I genuinely don't know how someone could do this to another human being - and not ONCE has she called, emailed, anything to see if I'm OK. I don't exist to her anymore, do I? What a cruel individual. I really do hope that this new relationship of hers doesn't work out, why should it? Why should she be so happy?

[BC1980]

The parts in bold, those are the exact same thoughts I'm having. Today I felt sick all day, a horrid feeling in the pit of my stomach - I have never been through anything like this and I wish it was over. I used to want to be her friend, in the future but I have such hatred and disappointment for her that I never want to speak to her again.

 

I only have the one friend who had been cheated on but her life has moved forward in such a way that she is apparently talking to someone romantically and I used to talk to her about it, but I just feel like I'm bringing her down. My other friend keeps telling me to "get over it" and I just feel like I'm going mad. I was out earlier and just started crying in a park, and then I think I had some sort of panic attack - I couldn't breathe and my chest was all tight, I just had to get home. It sounds hilarious, and I bet in a year I'll be laughing at myself but this is horrible and doesn't seem to be getting any better.

 

I have an appointment with a mental health crisis team on Monday, my doctor has referred me to a fitness programme that starts on Wednesday and I have a counselling session but that isn't until April. I genuinely don't know how someone could do this to another human being - and not ONCE has she called, emailed, anything to see if I'm OK. I don't exist to her anymore, do I? What a cruel individual. I really do hope that this new relationship of hers doesn't work out, why should it? Why should she be so happy?

 

Well, you certainly deserve more supportive friends. I had two friends that saved the day for me. They were so supportive and never judged me. They had both been through the same thing, so they completely understood. I'm glad you have an appointment to see someone because the support of other people it really crucial. That's why LS is so popular. We seek out human connection and people who can relate. You can't do it alone.

 

The part about being upset your ex is happy. I think most people here understand that. I do feel that same sentiment with my situation. How could such a cruel person be the one who found happiness? He used me for 3 years, and he's the one who gets the happiness? Does he even feel bad about that? But here's the thing. Their lives aren't perfect. We often imagine these perfect lives our exes lead, but it's not really like that. They have their own problems, and, honestly, if they truly don't care about using us, there's nothing we can do about it. People are who they are. It's not my job to go shame him into feeling any remorse for what he did. I have no control over that, but I do know that I want no part of it. Truly, the best thing you can do is to live your life well and be a good, compassionate person. Be proud of that.

 

People usually dig their own graves in the end. It's not up to us to lend a helping hand. It may not happen today or tomorrow, but life works out in funny ways. One of my friends was engaged, and her fiance left her for another woman. They got married within a year, and my friend was devastated. Years went by, she got married, had children, was happy with her life. One day, she heard that her ex was getting a divorce, and his wife was the one leaving him. So don't imagine that your ex won the prize and is getting it all good. With my ex, a lot of our mutual friends don't view him very well anymore after what he did to me. People used to view him as this nerdy, nice guy, but not anymore. I've never bad mouthed him at work, but several people have told me how bad what he did looks. We were like the golden couple at work. The ones people loved and were rooting for. The thing is that none of that makes me happy. I don't feel good that people view him that way now, but it's what happens. People do themselves in by their own hands. Just live a good life. Be a good person. Make the right decisions, and do all of it for yourself. Don't worry about the negative people.

Edited March 8, 2015 by BC1980

[smellysocksuni]

Well, you certainly deserve more supportive friends. I had two friends that saved the day for me. They were so supportive and never judged me. They had both been through the same thing, so they completely understood. I'm glad you have an appointment to see someone because the support of other people it really crucial. That's why LS is so popular. We seek out human connection and people who can relate. You can't do it alone.

 

The part about being upset your ex is happy. I think most people here understand that. I do feel that same sentiment with my situation. How could such a cruel person be the one who found happiness? He used me for 3 years, and he's the one who gets the happiness? Does he even feel bad about that? But here's the thing. Their lives aren't perfect. We often imagine these perfect lives our exes lead, but it's not really like that. They have their own problems, and, honestly, if they truly don't care about using us, there's nothing we can do about it. People are who they are. It's not my job to go shame him into feeling any remorse for what he did. I have no control over that, but I do know that I want no part of it. Truly, the best thing you can do is to live your life well and be a good, compassionate person. Be proud of that.

 

People usually dig their own graves in the end. It's not up to us to lend a helping hand. It may not happen today or tomorrow, but life works out in funny ways. One of my friends was engaged, and her fiance left her for another woman. They got married within a year, and my friend was devastated. Years went by, she got married, had children, was happy with her life. One day, she heard that her ex was getting a divorce, and his wife was the one leaving him. So don't imagine that your ex won the prize and is getting it all good. With my ex, a lot of our mutual friends don't view him very well anymore after what he did to me. People used to view him as this nerdy, nice guy, but not anymore. I've never bad mouthed him at work, but several people have told me how bad what he did looks. We were like the golden couple at work. The ones people loved and were rooting for. The thing is that none of that makes me happy. I don't feel good that people view him that way now, but it's what happens. People do themselves in by their own hands. Just live a good life. Be a good person. Make the right decisions, and do all of it for yourself. Don't worry about the negative people.

 

I can't blame my friends, I guess they have their own lives to live and things to do. I try not to be selfish in demanding their time, but it is hard at times. My aunt is very helpful and is always asking me over to stay, which is lovely of her. She has two young sons, 14 and 10 who I get on with and provide a distraction, we're all very close and I think they do look up to me. They are very affectionate boys, they give hugs, kisses etc and it is nice to know that I am loved by people who are not going to leave me or treat me badly.

 

About your ex and the mutual friends not viewing him well - that must have at least offered you some comfort in the situation. Or maybe not. But yes, people do dig their own graves. I do think she has it all perfect, right now. A good job, a new 'perfect' partner, etc. I can only hope that one day she will suffer a heartbreak or a realisation that she has treated people badly. I won't wait for that day, of course. I have my own life to live.

 

Thank you so much for all your words, they are really appreciated and taken on board. I just take one day at a time and live the best I can. My life has never been easy - I have been through so much, so many things that would destroy most - so I must just remember that this is just something else to overcome and that I will only become stronger, not weaker at the end of it.