Stuck in Limbo (Update)

[BC1980]

About your ex and the mutual friends not viewing him well - that must have at least offered you some comfort in the situation. Or maybe not. But yes, people do dig their own graves. I do think she has it all perfect, right now. A good job, a new 'perfect' partner, etc. I can only hope that one day she will suffer a heartbreak or a realisation that she has treated people badly. I won't wait for that day, of course. I have my own life to live.

 

I think something important to keep in mind is that it's not a contest. It's not about who moves on the quickest or who has the best life because that kind of contest would be exhausting. Can you imagine? Even if your ex did fall on bad times while things went well for you, what kind of victory is that? It doesn't make you feel good as a person. Honestly, if my ex's new relationship blows up in his face, I might chuckle for a minute. But I don't think it would make me happy. I think we are better than that.

 

I think it's totally natural to want your ex to get what's coming to them. I feel that way too sometimes, but all that does is keep you emotionally invested in someone else's life. It might give you a little "ha, ha" for a minute but, in the grand scheme of things, what does it matter?

 

Anyway, I got on FB for the first time in weeks, and guess what pops up? Literally, the first thing on my news feed is a picture of my ex and his fiance at some sort of wedding shower. I was like WTF? Really? I know FB is lame and not representative of real life, but it still irked me. A mutual friend posted the picture sadly, so there was nothing I could do to prevent seeing it. I guess it just brought back memories of planning our wedding and how happy I was. I can't imagine why I was so happy to be marrying him, but anyway. . . . it made me sad to remember that I was supposed to be the one getting married, having wedding showers, picking out my dress and flowers. And then I just had this feeling that I wanted our mutual friends to know how awful the guy is. How nutso and crazy and mean he is. *Sigh*

[smellysocksuni]

I think something important to keep in mind is that it's not a contest. It's not about who moves on the quickest or who has the best life because that kind of contest would be exhausting. Can you imagine? Even if your ex did fall on bad times while things went well for you, what kind of victory is that? It doesn't make you feel good as a person. Honestly, if my ex's new relationship blows up in his face, I might chuckle for a minute. But I don't think it would make me happy. I think we are better than that.

 

I think it's totally natural to want your ex to get what's coming to them. I feel that way too sometimes, but all that does is keep you emotionally invested in someone else's life. It might give you a little "ha, ha" for a minute but, in the grand scheme of things, what does it matter?

 

Anyway, I got on FB for the first time in weeks, and guess what pops up? Literally, the first thing on my news feed is a picture of my ex and his fiance at some sort of wedding shower. I was like WTF? Really? I know FB is lame and not representative of real life, but it still irked me. A mutual friend posted the picture sadly, so there was nothing I could do to prevent seeing it. I guess it just brought back memories of planning our wedding and how happy I was. I can't imagine why I was so happy to be marrying him, but anyway. . . . it made me sad to remember that I was supposed to be the one getting married, having wedding showers, picking out my dress and flowers. And then I just had this feeling that I wanted our mutual friends to know how awful the guy is. How nutso and crazy and mean he is. *Sigh*

 

No, you're right. It's not a victory. It feels better at the time to think those things, but it's not a victory and nor is it really healthy to think like that.

 

I'm sorry you had to see that picture - it must have brought up a whole load of feelings that you could have done without.

 

Talking of friends, I bumped into my ex's friend today - a friend that I got on with while me and my ex were together. I told her me and my ex had split and that she was with someone else, already. She seemed surprised, and even referred to my ex as "a funny one". I expressed my frustration at her being with someone else so soon, and her reply was "Well, people DO move on from one to the next because they just can't be alone, but don't take it personally or let it hurt you". I think she was actually talking about my ex, there - obviously as they are friends, she wouldn't have wanted to insult her to me or in general, I guess.

 

Funny, really. I also saw a picture of my ex and her new flame holding hands - I had a horrid gut feeling that something had been uploaded to her Instagram, so I checked it. And there it was. I have since downloaded an app that lets you block certain things from your phone - I haven't checked anything of hers for almost two weeks but I had the sudden urge to. I've downloaded those apps to stop myself in weak moment, because seeing that picture was heart-wrenching.

Edited March 8, 2015 by smellysocksuni

[BC1980]

No, you're right. It's not a victory. It feels better at the time to think those things, but it's not a victory and nor is it really healthy to think like that.

 

I'm sorry you had to see that picture - it must have brought up a whole load of feelings that you could have done without.

 

Talking of friends, I bumped into my ex's friend today - a friend that I got on with while me and my ex were together. I told her me and my ex had split and that she was with someone else, already. She seemed surprised, and even referred to my ex as "a funny one". I expressed my frustration at her being with someone else so soon, and her reply was "Well, people DO move on from one to the next because they just can't be alone, but don't take it personally or let it hurt you". I think she was actually talking about my ex, there - obviously as they are friends, she wouldn't have wanted to insult her to me or in general, I guess.

 

Funny, really. I also saw a picture of my ex and her new flame holding hands - I had a horrid gut feeling that something had been uploaded to her Instagram, so I checked it. And there it was. I have since downloaded an app that lets you block certain things from your phone - I haven't checked anything of hers for almost two weeks but I had the sudden urge to. I've downloaded those apps to stop myself in weak moment, because seeing that picture was heart-wrenching.

 

Ugh. I'm sorry you saw that picture. Good for you for getting the blocking app. I think I'm off FB completely for awhile. It's kind of a nuisance anyway, and I only check it every few weeks to see pics of my cousins' kids and keep up with family. I heard they are getting married in May, and I'm sure there will be pictures posted by mutual friends. Best to steer clear of that because it brings up a lot of emotions.

 

The mutual friends thing is weird. I only talked bad about my ex to my true, blue friends who weren't really friends with him anyway. They were my friends and loyal to me. I've been really careful at work with mutual friends/acquaintances because I don't want to be seen as someone who is badmouthing him and acting childish. The truth is that most people aren't invested and don't care anyway. They don't know either of us well enough to have an opinion. Like I said, let him dig his own grave. He doesn't need me to lend a helping hand, and I certainly don't want to walk around bitter for my entire life. That's no way to live.

[smellysocksuni]

Don't people like this ever feel bad for what they've done? Me and a friend were discussing this today... like don't they ever see something that reminds them of us and think, ****, what have I done? Because I know I would.

[BC1980]

Don't people like this ever feel bad for what they've done? Me and a friend were discussing this today... like don't they ever see something that reminds them of us and think, ****, what have I done? Because I know I would.

 

I ask this question quite often. It seems that some people are just heartless. Even when they have done something awful, there is no remorse or heartfelt apology. I think I would feel like absolute sh*t if I had treated someone like my ex treated me. I think it often goes back to how that person has been taught in childhood. My ex's father is most likely a true narcissist. I'm sure he could be diagnosed with NPD or even Borderline. When a person like that raises you, how else are you going to turn out? You learn to treat people like objects. My ex actually looked up to his dad and wanted to be like him. That always scared me.

 

I honestly don't know if there is ever true remorse. I think that if remorse comes up, they register it as an uncomfortable feeling and suppress it. My ex did that with any uncomfortable feeling, and he was quite skilled at it. He didn't like any deep emotion, good or bad. He didn't want to watch sad movies because I believe they made him uncomfortable. So yeah, I think they possibly feel the emotion but are skilled at moving on from it. With my ex, it came from years of emotional abuse in childhood. He learned not to trust loved ones and just stopped feeling anything because it was too painful.

[smellysocksuni]

I ask this question quite often. It seems that some people are just heartless. Even when they have done something awful, there is no remorse or heartfelt apology. I think I would feel like absolute sh*t if I had treated someone like my ex treated me. I think it often goes back to how that person has been taught in childhood. My ex's father is most likely a true narcissist. I'm sure he could be diagnosed with NPD or even Borderline. When a person like that raises you, how else are you going to turn out? You learn to treat people like objects. My ex actually looked up to his dad and wanted to be like him. That always scared me.

 

I honestly don't know if there is ever true remorse. I think that if remorse comes up, they register it as an uncomfortable feeling and suppress it. My ex did that with any uncomfortable feeling, and he was quite skilled at it. He didn't like any deep emotion, good or bad. He didn't want to watch sad movies because I believe they made him uncomfortable. So yeah, I think they possibly feel the emotion but are skilled at moving on from it. With my ex, it came from years of emotional abuse in childhood. He learned not to trust loved ones and just stopped feeling anything because it was too painful.

 

It's funny you should say that - my ex didn't like to watch any sort of consumerist programmes or documentaries as they made her feel uncomfortable. It's sad that there is no remorse or even guilt or any form of apology. It's amazing just how deep these things go when you really think about it - I think it would be fascinating to study some sort of psychology based subject.

 

At this stage, I don't even want her back - I'd be happy with an "I'm sorry" but I won't even get that. Also, BC, I meant to say about the FB thing - good, stay off it for a while. You don't need to see anything like that, you've done so well and come so far. Don't even bother with FB.

[smellysocksuni]

Not sure why I'm posting, because I'm just being quite repetitive.

 

Feeling bad the past couple of days - I really do miss her, as bad as things were. Random bouts of crying. I don't feel like I'm making any progress, even though I probably am. I'm trying to look for a job because at the moment money is very tight, and that's stopping me from leaving the house, travelling anywhere. I try to keep as busy as I can during the day but to be honest I spend most nights awake and most days asleep, which isn't good. I don't really know how to rectify that - I sound really pathetic but I am sort of stuck. It's not been a great week at all.

 

I find myself waiting for her to get in touch, projecting my own feelings onto her but I have to remember that she's with someone else and isn't even thinking about me, right now. Even though we shared a home for 16 months, she doesn't think about me. She wants me out of her life to pursue something with someone she doesn't even know. Great, thanks. Even though we did argue, we had such a close bond - and now I don't even know where she lives. And she is with someone else. So perhaps she was just faking the whole thing.

 

Anyway, I don't know why I'm posting. Maybe just needed to vent.

 

Due to the break up I lost my place on a course I was on - I couldn't even get out of bed so I missed too many classes, so now I don't even have that distraction. I'm just looking for a job hopefully I'll get something soon.

Edited March 12, 2015 by smellysocksuni

[smellysocksuni]

I joined an online dating website today, and within the space of two hours I had a woman's number - she messaged me first, she initiated everything. I took her number and wasn't going to message her, but I did in the end.

 

I feel scared about the whole thing - I haven't really worked on myself, no changes have been made since my ex and I don't feel ready but at the same time I feel like, to hell with it, I might as well rebound and it will stop me feeling like this - but I also don't want to hurt anyone.

[smellysocksuni]

She'll contact you again. She will reach out in some way, direct or indirect. Her type can't stand to be ignored.

 

I'm just going through this thread, 9 months after the break up. I can't believe some of the things I was going through, and just how distorted my reality was. The quoted comment above has come true so many times. She often does things to try and grab my attention, and that does make it hard for me to move on. But reading this thread has showed me that I have made progress. I've made a lot of progress.