Stuck in Limbo (Update)

[smellysocksuni]

Ugh.

 

 

So after yesterday's arguments, she sent me a couple of emails today - all nice, apologising for what she said, small talk etc. I replied, apologised back.

 

 

Cut to this evening, and I was chatting to her on WhatsApp - I was showing her the cat (as she was obsessed with the cat) and a new lamp I'd bought.

 

 

Bear in mind that she's said we could be friends, etc.

 

 

All of a sudden - "I don't want to be spending my evenings talking to my ex, it's too much, we need to set boundaries" and then she's blocked me.

 

 

I emailed her "there's no need to block me. night"

 

 

She emailed back "I feel spied on, choked to death". I've been online all night talking to another friend who has just been cheated on, so I think she thinks I'm sitting there watching her (because my life is that boring!)

 

 

She says we should no longer talk as it's too much for her.

 

 

I am literally done with this person and her stupid mixed signals. I was casually chatting to her, what the hell. Just because she's sitting there talking to whatever guys, and I'm getting in the way, she blocks me and does this ****.

 

 

I am fuming, I want nothing to do with her anymore. Everything is on her terms and always has been.

[smellysocksuni]

But didn't you say she did this same thing to the guy before you? And now she's doing it to you? She probably made you feel special, like to were different, but, in reality, who knows how many guys she's done this to in the past. I'm truly sorry you got caught up in this, but there are manipulative people out there. It's a hard lesson to learn, and it changes you.

 

With regards to her stuff, put it outside your door, and try not to be there when she comes.

 

 

 

She was very manipulative but covered it up by being nice - being generous etc. She has done it to someone before me and is now saying we can be friends, but if I message her she will block me or tell me I'm being "too much" - even if I just send her a cat meme or something. Usually I'm "too much" at night, when she's chatting to her new found romances.

[BC1980]

She was very manipulative but covered it up by being nice - being generous etc. She has done it to someone before me and is now saying we can be friends, but if I message her she will block me or tell me I'm being "too much" - even if I just send her a cat meme or something. Usually I'm "too much" at night, when she's chatting to her new found romances.

 

You need to set the terms, and I suggest NC. Block her on all forms of social media and block her phone number. Before doing that, tell her that her stuff will be outside your house at a certain time (when you are not there, don't tell her that though), and she may come get it then. If she hasn't done so by the end of the week, it goes to Goodwill. I'm being serious. You need to be done with her.

[smellysocksuni]

Even the stuff she's supposed to be collecting - I've had my friend staying with me so that I didn't have to deal with her alone. She was supposed to be coming here tonight to get it but wait - something came up and so she will let me know when she can make it.

 

 

Every little thing is on her terms. I want this stuff out of my flat. I don't care what she wants. She has shown me no respect during this break up, I am fuming. FUMING.

[smellysocksuni]

You need to set the terms, and I suggest NC. Block her on all forms of social media and block her phone number. Before doing that, tell her that her stuff will be outside your house at a certain time (when you are not there, don't tell her that though), and she may come get it then. If she hasn't done so by the end of the week, it goes to Goodwill. I'm being serious. You need to be done with her.

 

Believe me, I've had enough of her BS. I have no desire to talk to her. I am more than happy to start NC.

 

 

I have just emailed her saying it will be outside the door on Thursday, please collect it otherwise it will go to the local charity store. From the way she dumped me over WhatsApp over Christmas, to the constant mixed signals, to the BS she spouts about me being "too much" - I've had enough.

 

 

All I was doing was chatting to her on WhatsApp about mundane things like what did we have for dinner and apparently it's "too much"? But you said we could be friends!

 

 

Absolute freak.

[Zahara]

All I was doing was chatting to her on WhatsApp about mundane things like what did we have for dinner and apparently it's "too much"? But you said we could be friends! .

 

Let's be honest. Friends? When "friends" is suggested by the dumper it is because they want to appease your hurt feelings or to keep you on the backburner. Plus, if she's disrespected you this much, how can she be your friend? When dumpees suggest "friends" it is because they need to keep a foot in the door because they're too afraid to let go.

 

Do you actually really believe you both can be friends? Absolutely not. It's ridicilous. You cannot be friends if you're emotional about someone, especially after a painful break-up. So stop with the "friends" nonsense.

 

The first time you posted here, it was suggested to you that you chuck her belongings on the curb and let her pick it up. People use "stuff" as a reason to potentially have contact. Once and for all, keep to your word and put her things out ASAP and block her everywhere.

 

I am not sure what you're hoping to gain with contact? Do you think she may suddenly change her mind? Maybe tomorrow she'll say she wants you back and come running into your arms? It's done. Over. Cut the cord, and that means returning her belongings and blocking her off.

Edited January 20, 2015 by Zahara

[smellysocksuni]

Let's be honest. Friends? When "friends" is suggested by the dumper it is because they want to appease your hurt feelings or to keep you on the backburner. Plus, if she's disrespected you this much, how can she be your friend? When dumpees suggest "friends" it is because they need to keep a foot in the door because they're too afraid to let go.

 

Do you actually really believe you both can be friends? Absolutely not. It's ridicilous. You cannot be friends if you're emotional about someone, especially after a painful break-up. So stop with the "friends" nonsense.

 

The first time you posted here, it was suggested to you that you chuck her belongings on the curb and let her pick it up. People use "stuff" as a reason to potentially have contact. Once and for all, keep to your word and put her things out ASAP and block her everywhere.

 

I am not sure what you're hoping to gain with contact? Do you think she may suddenly change her mind? Maybe tomorrow she'll say she wants you back and come running into your arms? It's done. Over. Cut the cord, and that means returning her belongings and blocking her off.

 

 

I said to her a few times that I would put her stuff out - she blew up at me every time, telling me I was immature, malicious, spiteful. Even texting my best friend, playing the victim, saying that I was being "cruel".

 

 

I know it's over. I did have hope - due to her mixed signals about getting to know me again, and the fact that I was heartbroken. Now, I'm under no illusion.

 

 

I don't want to be her friend. She has spent the last month blaming me for the break up, when in actual fact it was just two people that didn't match. Who argued a lot. Who maybe wanted different things. I am done with beating myself up, and feeling like it's my fault.

 

 

She has put me through the mill with this break up. She avoided me at first, broke up with me through texts, gave me false hope, I found out she was talking to other people, blocked me, unblocked me, been nice, been horrible, and now this. I've had enough. I don't want to be "friends".

 

 

I know all about the psychology behind the "friends" comment. It doesn't mean anything but easing their guilt. Well, I'm gone. Full NC. No friends. You don't deserve to have me in your life any more.

 

 

The last thing she said to me was in reply to me mentioning her saying we could be friends - she said "not for now. too much x"

 

 

I replied "You're right. It IS too much. Good night"

 

 

Who does she think she is?

 

 

As for the stuff, good riddance to it.

Edited January 20, 2015 by smellysocksuni

[Zahara]

Who does she think she is? She thinks she can manipulate you because she knows you're emotionally affected and dependent on her. All she has to do is give you a guilt trip and you accommodate. So, she knows she has power over you and can call the shots.

[smellysocksuni]

Who does she think she is? She thinks she can manipulate you because she knows you're emotionally affected and dependent on her. All she has to do is give you a guilt trip and you accommodate. So, she knows she has power over you and can call the shots.

 

 

 

Not any more.

[BC1980]

You could also take her stuff and put it on her doorstep. Do it when you know she's not there. Mail it if it's not too much stuff.

[smellysocksuni]

You could also take her stuff and put it on her doorstep. Do it when you know she's not there. Mail it if it's not too much stuff.

 

I don't know where she lives, now. And the stuff - it's basically a big chest of drawers full of heavy items that she uses for work. If it was just DVDs etc I would have posted them ages ago.

 

I'm fed up of this. I just want to be over her. I'm fed up of being made to feel like everything I do is wrong.

[towardthefuture]

Make sure you get rid of her stuff ASAP or it will keep you in a state of limbo.

 

There are really a lot of similarities here between you and me. You should seriously read Uncoupling by Diane Vaughan. It will give you a lot more insight into what's happened to you than you could ever get from your ex. Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships: Diane Vaughan: 9780679730026: Amazon.com: Books

[smellysocksuni]

Make sure you get rid of her stuff ASAP or it will keep you in a state of limbo.

 

There are really a lot of similarities here between you and me. You should seriously read Uncoupling by Diane Vaughan. It will give you a lot more insight into what's happened to you than you could ever get from your ex. Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships: Diane Vaughan: 9780679730026: Amazon.com: Books

 

Thanks a lot - I'll buy that today.

 

 

I had a horrible dream about her - she was sending me all these pictures of her, saying she was happy etc - I woke up feeling like rubbish and still do, but I have to just get on with the day.

[smellysocksuni]

Just an update, really. Or more of me just letting stuff out as I'm sure my friends are bored stiff of this by now.

 

 

I was getting fed up of her ignoring me and always talking about her own feelings, so I sent her a long email - basically telling her how hard this is for me, being around reminders of us, her treating me badly etc.

 

 

She responded quite positively, and said I was a wonderful soul she treasured etc. And that we can be friends but "at arm's length" which amused me. But anyway.

 

 

We were then texting slightly - and I then sent her a message saying "it's probably for the best xx" about everything ending.

 

 

She said she was having a bad day, and I said I hoped everything was OK, and she replied "thank you...go to bed x" (It was about 11:30pm)

 

 

I replied saying that I was just dropping my friend to the bus stop and she was like "what friend? Lee?" Despite saying that we don't get to know what's happening in each other's lives, anymore.

 

 

I left it for about an hour, and then I said it was a friend, a girl friend that I have history with and she replied "Her? But you don't even like her.."

 

 

And that was the last thing we said to each other.

 

 

I'm home alone now - I can't stop thinking about her and whoever this new person is that she's chatting to. I know it's probably a rebound, but I keep picturing them settling down with each other, having some happy LTR and me just having no luck whatsoever. I know it's not true, and I will have some happiness but I just can't stop picturing them sleeping together. That was my girl, my happiness, my body - her giving it to someone else just kills me and there's nothing I can do about it

[smellysocksuni]

And also - I am going NC. I just wanted to email her those things and to let her know what she did to me was unacceptable. I've deleted her number, everything. I don't intend to contact her anymore.

[BC1980]

She sounds extremely emotionally manipulative. She said you can be friends "at arm's lengths." Who says that? Stay NC this time. You've seen what continued contact will look like.

[smellysocksuni]

She sounds extremely emotionally manipulative. She said you can be friends "at arm's lengths." Who says that? Stay NC this time. You've seen what continued contact will look like.

 

Not only that, but she said "You don't get to know what's going on in my life anymore" - but yet asks me who was at my house last night?

 

 

I want to stay NC. I want to move on.

 

 

At the very beginning of this relationship, a friend told me that she sounded manipulative...I wish I had listened.

[smellysocksuni]

Today was the first day of NC and it was pretty hard.

 

 

I almost messaged her about ten minutes ago, but I quickly put the phone down and didn't, and I'm glad I didn't. I don't even know what I wanted to say to her.

 

 

Just struggling a bit with being on my own but it wasn't that bad. Just a little quiet, I guess. I'm still waiting for her to come and get the stuff, I'm dreading it because whatever progress I make during this period of NC will all be ruined once I see her.

[towardthefuture]

Today was the first day of NC and it was pretty hard.

 

 

I almost messaged her about ten minutes ago, but I quickly put the phone down and didn't, and I'm glad I didn't. I don't even know what I wanted to say to her.

 

 

Just struggling a bit with being on my own but it wasn't that bad. Just a little quiet, I guess. I'm still waiting for her to come and get the stuff, I'm dreading it because whatever progress I make during this period of NC will all be ruined once I see her.

 

Don't be there.

[sober and dry]

Man she is manipulative and is owning you pretty bad with all that BS. Just get away from her, you don't deserve this that's for sure!

Go NC all the way, really all the way!

Don't wait for her to pick up her stuff, just mail them or something.

[smellysocksuni]

Man she is manipulative and is owning you pretty bad with all that BS. Just get away from her, you don't deserve this that's for sure!

Go NC all the way, really all the way!

Don't wait for her to pick up her stuff, just mail them or something.

 

 

 

The "stuff" in question is a big chest of drawers full of heavy items that she uses for work. I can't mail all that stuff.

 

 

I feel so down today. I had a friend staying with me but she's had to go home so I'm on my own for the first time in a few weeks and I just keep crying - not a good look, I know but this just hurts.

[Zahara]

The "stuff" in question is a big chest of drawers full of heavy items that she uses for work. I can't mail all that stuff.

 

 

I feel so down today. I had a friend staying with me but she's had to go home so I'm on my own for the first time in a few weeks and I just keep crying - not a good look, I know but this just hurts.

 

When I had to return my ex's stuff, it was furniture, a huge flatscreen TV, books, dvd player, clothes, golf clubs, etc. -- I had to get a friend (female) to help me make several trips to dump it in his garage. If I can do it, you can unload that chest of drawers.

 

I know you said you have no friends who can drive/you can't drive -- but you and your friend can unload all that stuff in boxes and put it outside for her to get -- yesterday.

 

I recall you saying she is getting her things on Thursday. That's tomorrow. Is that still good to go or are you still waiting for when she would like to deal with it?

Edited January 21, 2015 by Zahara

[smellysocksuni]

When I had to return my ex's stuff, it was furniture, a huge flatscreen TV, books, dvd player, clothes, golf clubs, etc. -- I had to get a friend (female) to help me make several trips to dump it in his garage. If I can do it, you can unload that chest of drawers.

 

I know you said you have no friends who can drive/you can't drive -- but you and your friend can unload all that stuff in boxes and put it outside for her to get -- yesterday.

 

I recall you saying she is getting her things on Thursday. That's tomorrow. Is that still good to go or are you still waiting for when she would like to deal with it?

 

Right - I have just messaged her and she's totally blown up at me for having a friend round, a girl friend who I have history with. She is now coming on Sunday, apparently.

[Zahara]

Right - I have just messaged her and she's totally blown up at me for having a friend round, a girl friend who I have history with. She is now coming on Sunday, apparently.

 

You're using "stuff" as a means of keeping the door open. You don't want to take steps in getting her things out because you don't want to cut that last tie to her.

 

You planted the seed about dropping the woman at the busstop because you wanted to provoke a reaction, make her jealous -- put fear in her, cause her to rethink.

 

Playing games will only hurt you. Until you make a decision to be proactive in your efforts to move past this, you'll keep going in circles.

[smellysocksuni]

You're using "stuff" as a means of keeping the door open. You don't want to take steps in getting her things out because you don't want to cut that last tie to her.

 

You planted the seed about dropping the woman at the busstop because you wanted to provoke a reaction, make her jealous -- put fear in her, cause her to rethink.

 

Playing games will only hurt you. Until you make a decision to be proactive in your efforts to move past this, you'll keep going in circles.

 

OK. I have just been messaging her about the stuff. She wasn't going to come at all this week but I forced her to. That's why we're at Sunday, now.

 

I don't know where she lives or has moved to, so I can't drop the stuff off. Where shall I drop it off to? I am not trying to keep anything open. I can't stand her.

 

I genuinely was dropping my friend to the bus stop. I am not planting seeds or playing any games.