Stuck in Limbo (Update)

[Zahara]

OK. I have just been messaging her about the stuff. She wasn't going to come at all this week but I forced her to. That's why we're at Sunday, now.

 

I don't know where she lives or has moved to, so I can't drop the stuff off. Where shall I drop it off to? I am not trying to keep anything open. I can't stand her.

 

I genuinely was dropping my friend to the bus stop. I am not planting seeds or playing any games.

 

Tell her it will be out on your doorstep on Sunday and if it's not picked up, it will be going to the trash. This was advised awhile ago.

 

She told you to go to bed. You could have said goodnight. But you told her you were dropping off a "friend". You led that conversation through as an opportunity to reveal the friend as a woman.

[smellysocksuni]

Tell her it will be out on your doorstep on Sunday and if it's not picked up, it will be going to the trash. This was advised awhile ago.

 

She told you to go to bed. You could have said goodnight. But you told her you were dropping off a "friend". You led that conversation through as an opportunity to reveal the friend as a woman.

 

 

Lol. Yeah I wanted her to know that I'm also moving on. She has countless guys on her phone and thinks I'm sad pathetic and desperate. I wanted to switch that image up a bit, hell yeah.

[Zahara]

Lol. Yeah I wanted her to know that I'm also moving on. She has countless guys on her phone and thinks I'm sad pathetic and desperate. I wanted to switch that image up a bit, hell yeah.

 

Well, it isn't working. You present yourself to her as attached and affected. You putter around on her terms. You're afraid to make decisions and follow through.

 

Infact, everytime you keep contact, she knows you are on the hook. What makes them fear or realize you moving on is when you disappear.

[smellysocksuni]

I don't want her back - who cares if I had what girl over, it's none of her business. She isn't entitled to react like that, it's laughable.

 

 

It's as if she expects me to sit around waiting forever for her. LOL.

 

 

Yeah it was a little game, she clearly still cares by her reaction.

 

 

I've been hurt so much now I feel I can do whatever I want.

 

 

The stuff will be out by Sunday, I would mail it but I don't know where on Earth she lives so I can't mail it and I'm not cruel enough to dump it.

[Zahara]

I don't want her back - who cares if I had what girl over, it's none of her business. She isn't entitled to react like that, it's laughable.

 

You wanted a reaction though. Her reaction is irrelevant.

 

It's as if she expects me to sit around waiting forever for her. LOL.

 

It's because you present yourself that way.

 

Yeah it was a little game, she clearly still cares by her reaction.

 

Unfortunately, it's most likely stemming from control and ego. All for the wrong reasons.

 

The stuff will be out by Sunday, I would mail it but I don't know where on Earth she lives so I can't mail it and I'm not cruel enough to dump it.

 

It has nothing to do with being cruel. It has everything to do with self-preservation. If you don't prioritize you, no one will.

[Zahara]

I said to her a few times that I would put her stuff out - she blew up at me every time, telling me I was immature, malicious, spiteful. Even texting my best friend, playing the victim, saying that I was being "cruel".

 

It would be in your best interest to stop allowing her to manipulate you. You had no issues telling her the stuff will be out and soon after she says you are cruel, you're now on that train of thought.

 

You either get her address and drop her stuff off or it goes out on Sunday. She has a choice. If it's important to her, she will give you the address or pick it up on Sunday.

[sober and dry]

If you can't mail it, UPS or what ever (I would say you probably can even if it's damn heavy), just ask a friend to drop it at her place or do it yourself without seeing her.

 

As you say, you are stuck in the limbo, you need to start getting out of there by all means necessary you know.

Get her stuff out of your life, get her out of your head and heart ASAP and at all cost!

 

I can relate with your mood, sure a lot of us can. It's really some hard moments in our life, but well, it will get better, that's for sure. Keep strong.

 

EDIT: Get a grip there! You already marked a date and no more. If she doesn't make it I would leave it at my door and say her to pick it up if she wants it.

Don't give a crap about her! Look at your state, does anyone deserves that? No, so **** her!It's you, you, you time!

Edited January 22, 2015 by sober and dry

[smellysocksuni]

I've posted a couple of times here about my break up - I was living with my girlfriend for a year and now she's moved out, moved on, I suspect she's chatting to someone else.

 

Anyway, I'm now living on my own. I don't really know anyone and have pretty low confidence as it is. My friend has been staying with me but is due to go home on Sunday and from then on we won't really speak as she is busy with her own life. I don't have any parents or siblings.

 

For the last hour I've been crying, I don't know how to get over this. My mind is consumed with our relationship. We lived together, and everything in the flat reminds me of us. I have constant flashbacks to things we did, or things she said - things she wore, the way she walked - everything.

 

I have depression and have done for ten years, and this is probably the most painful thing I have been through in a long time.

[towardthefuture]

Well, first of all, you should go see your doctor and get some anti-depressants. They will help a ton. Get a therapist.

 

Finally, don't worry about the crying. I'm going to be honest with you and tell you something really unmanly. That first month, I probably wept like 2-4 hours at least 3 times a week. Hell it's been two months and I cried for like 20 minutes this morning, just randomly (it's been about a week since my last crying bout).

 

Just do it in the privacy of your own home. No one ever has to know.

 

You'll get through it.

[smellysocksuni]

Well, first of all, you should go see your doctor and get some anti-depressants. They will help a ton. Get a therapist.

 

Finally, don't worry about the crying. I'm going to be honest with you and tell you something really unmanly. That first month, I probably wept like 2-4 hours at least 3 times a week. Hell it's been two months and I cried for like 20 minutes this morning, just randomly (it's been about a week since my last crying bout).

 

Just do it in the privacy of your own home. No one ever has to know.

 

You'll get through it.

 

 

I am on some new anti-depressants, they have helped slightly.

 

 

Thanks, man. I know I'll get through it, it's just the getting through it.

[LovelyDaze]

We know what you are going through as most of us have been through it or are going through it right this minute on LS.

 

You said you suffer from depression. I would recommend that you do see a therapist very soon to help walk this grief out with you too. That will be very important.

 

While you are here now on LS at the moment I can tell you that you will be ok from your ex and will not have the same feelings for her now forever. It WILL get better. While your friend is there, have them help you store any of your ex's items in a box if that will help so you don't have to view them at the moment.

 

When you DO go see a therapist about your depression, make sure you put it all out there about the beginnings, middle, and ending of the relationship. Any parts you felt both of you took a wrong turn so the therapist can help sort it out with you.

[KBarletta]

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Most everyone on these boards has experienced those emotions, so know that you are not alone. And know that you WILL get through this, even though it might seem impossible right now.

 

My advice:

 

1. Collect everything in the home that reminds you of her such as photographs, souvenirs, etc., and box them up and put them in a closet, out of sight, as soon as possible. The less you are reminded of her, the better off you will be.

 

2. Resist the urge to call or text her. You will be tempted to beg her to come back, but most likely this will only hurt you more. The best way to heal is to leave her alone.

 

3. Stay active. Work out, go for walks, get out of the house as much as you can, even if it's just for a cup of coffee or a walk around the block.

 

4. Talk to people. If your family and friends aren't available, seek out a trusted co-worker, or make an appointment to see a counselor.

 

5. Remember that it's OK to feel sad. It doesn't mean it is going to last forever. Let the feelings come, recognize them, then let them go and move on. Think about other things - you'll have to force yourself at first, but you need to banish the negative thoughts and constant dwelling from your mind.

 

Keep posting here. It will help!

[smellysocksuni]

Thank you everyone for the advice.

[PizzaMuffin]

I feel for you, brotha. I do. I've lived with anxiety/depression for years now, and it always seems to subside when I found the "The One" I can tell you, it WILL GET BETTER. I'm going through a similar situation and have been for the past few months and it's destroyed me. I've lost 30lbs in the past month, started smoking again, and have had the self destructive qualities and negative thoughts that come with depression. You're not alone in this struggle, and I will tell you....You are going to be just FINE. Focus on the other positives in your life. Workout, get in shape, find a passionate hobby that will consume you. Music, art, hamster juggling, etc. Let something positive CONSUME YOU.

 

You may or may not get her back. The only way to know is by losing her, and focusing on yourself. Bring out the best of YOU. This is the only way. Sending good thoughts and positive vibes your way, good sir.

[Satu]

Make sure that you get out of the flat for a few hours everyday.

 

Move things around. Make it look different from how it was when she was there.

 

Buy some new stuff.

 

Throw out some old stuff.

 

Cry yourself a river.

 

Let yourself fall into your own arms.

[Seeker12]

Mate i was in the same position as you a few months back, even now, all i can say is what helped me, which was to get out there, meet people, reconnect with old friends, make new friends etc. be sociable.

 

What you will be hit by is what hit me, extreme loneliness, the hours seem long, this is because you lived your life only with that other person, as they are perfect and everything you needed at that point in time, physically and emotionally, i cut off friends, didnt go out when i was asked etc etc then bang, crap hit the fan because of family, so both our bodies have to now adjust.

 

I still get hit by loneliness, which leads to me thinking about my ex eventually, unless i keep myself active and with mates, doing stuff, chilling out and having a laugh, i hardly think about her when im actually active. Its a massive step again towards independence, and i havent fully recovered but im getting there and so will you.

 

About the crying, in the first few weeks i was crying profusely, then it went away, then came back for a few days, now i dont cry, but if i hadnt have cried my eyes out before i wouldnt and many others wouldnt be where they are right now, so get it out your system.

[smellysocksuni]

She has contacted me twice today - once this morning, to tell me that she liked my profile picture (I didn't reply) and about an hour ago asking me why I haven't replied...

 

I am starting to feel quite bad, as she's never ignored me but I do need to start healing and I don't know what to do...do I say - "Listen, I know you want to be friends and to chat but right now, that isn't possible. I still love you, and friendship isn't what I'm after. You don't want to give things another chance, so I don't think there's anything left to talk about. x " -- that's what I was going to send, if I replied at all.

[towardthefuture]

She has contacted me twice today - once this morning, to tell me that she liked my profile picture (I didn't reply) and about an hour ago asking me why I haven't replied...

 

I am starting to feel quite bad, as she's never ignored me but I do need to start healing and I don't know what to do...do I say - "Listen, I know you want to be friends and to chat but right now, that isn't possible. I still love you, and friendship isn't what I'm after. You don't want to give things another chance, so I don't think there's anything left to talk about. x " -- that's what I was going to send, if I replied at all.

 

Continue to complete ignore her would be my advice. Tell YOURSELF you need at least a month to heal from this monumental betrayal of your trust. She will probably keep texting you. It is likely just to appease her own guilt more than anything else, and potentially get you on the hook for friendship.

 

Disappear. Give her the opposite of what she wants. She wants to have the emotional support of the friendship and spike her dopamine levels with communication from you -- don't give her either one, she'll want both more.

 

Or contact her, I don't know. I'm just some guy on the internet. Gather some more opinions.

[smellysocksuni]

Continue to complete ignore her would be my advice. Tell YOURSELF you need at least a month to heal from this monumental betrayal of your trust. She will probably keep texting you. It is likely just to appease her own guilt more than anything else, and potentially get you on the hook for friendship.

 

Disappear. Give her the opposite of what she wants. She wants to have the emotional support of the friendship and spike her dopamine levels with communication from you -- don't give her either one, she'll want both more.

 

Or contact her, I don't know. I'm just some guy on the internet. Gather some more opinions.

 

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

 

But man, you're not just some guy on the internet. I've really found comfort in these forums and you are one of the posters in particular that have really helped.

[towardthefuture]

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

 

But man, you're not just some guy on the internet. I've really found comfort in these forums and you are one of the posters in particular that have really helped.

 

Well thanks. Just keep in mind who you're talking to are mostly people who are just as messed up as you are. That's something I didn't realize until like 1-2 months of browsing this forum and getting a read on particular people and their own baggage and how they bring it into their advice.

[smellysocksuni]

About half an hour ago I replied to her.

 

I basically told her that I wanted to be with her, but because she wanted to be friends and that wasn't what I wanted, right now that we shouldn't speak to each other, any more. That I needed time and space to heal and work on myself.

 

I hated breaking NC, but I didn't want her to keep messaging me and I also just need to start moving on, for myself. I can't keep analysing everything she's saying, every move she's making and wondering if this or that means she wants me again.

 

She didn't seem too happy - she was replying with "cool" and "ok" - I know this is her when she's upset about something. I didn't rise to it, merely saying thanks for understanding. She then said that "you don't have to be so formal, do you" but I just said, "thank you for understanding" and left it at that.

 

Hopefully I've done the right thing.

[LovelyDaze]

 

Disappear. Give her the opposite of what she wants. She wants to have the emotional support of the friendship and spike her dopamine levels with communication from you -- don't give her either one, she'll want both more.

 

 

Since you have already replied to her and let her know you ARE going NC for the reason of healing, please go NC and stay there until you DO heal.

 

Now that she knows by your own words you wish to have NC, she should not contact you; if at very least, respect for your feelings. If she breaks NC again and continues to contact you? Then re-read what towardthefuture wrote. It was pretty spot on.

[smellysocksuni]

Since you have already replied to her and let her know you ARE going NC for the reason of healing, please go NC and stay there until you DO heal.

 

Now that she knows by your own words you wish to have NC, she should not contact you; if at very least, respect for your feelings. If she breaks NC again and continues to contact you? Then re-read what towardthefuture wrote. It was pretty spot on.

 

She accused me of being immature, and childish for sending that message. Has totally blown up at me and accusing me of being immature, being extremely patronising etc.

 

At this moment in time, I despise her.

[BC1980]

She accused me of being immature, and childish for sending that message. Has totally blown up at me and accusing me of being immature, being extremely patronising etc.

 

At this moment in time, I despise her.

 

Anyone with one ounce of compassion would understand if an ex asked for space and needed NC. Going NC has zero to do with being immature or childish. NC is about protecting yourself when you are too emotional to have continued contact with someone. She obviously has no respect for you and is probably season at game playing and manipulation.

 

Please read this link, and block her from any avenue by which she can contact you.

Needing to go No Contact isn?t about being a ?bad person?, immaturity, or punishment | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

[flashed]

It was her idea to end the relationship and it was her idea to move out. You are mad because things are not going how you wanted them to. I know trust me. Let her own her decision in peace. You gotta take the blow like a man and with your head up. Go on dates and treat her friendly and with respect whenever you see or talk to her. This is about you now, not her. You don't owe her any support

 

Your mentality should be - why should you take her back WHEN she does come back, not what can I do to change myself and supplicate to her. And you gotta stop fighting and initiating contact. All you're proving is that you have no control of your emotions when you do that.