Stuck in Limbo (Update)

[smellysocksuni]

It was her idea to end the relationship and it was her idea to move out. You are mad because things are not going how you wanted them to. I know trust me. Let her own her decision in peace. You gotta take the blow like a man and with your head up. Go on dates and treat her friendly and with respect whenever you see or talk to her. This is about you now, not her. You don't owe her any support

 

Your mentality should be - why should you take her back WHEN she does come back, not what can I do to change myself and supplicate to her. And you gotta stop fighting and initiating contact. All you're proving is that you have no control of your emotions when you do that.

 

I'm not really angry about her moving out, any more. I'm just angry that everytime I speak to her, she flips it around and makes it me that has somehow caused an argument. All I said to her was that I didn't want to be friends with her at the moment, and then we're arguing because apparently I'm immature, childish, didn't want to text everyday and "be normal"

 

And I'm not sure what you mean when you say "when she does come back" there is no coming back from this.

Edited January 25, 2015 by smellysocksuni

[LovelyDaze]

Anyone with one ounce of compassion would understand if an ex asked for space and needed NC. Going NC has zero to do with being immature or childish. NC is about protecting yourself when you are too emotional to have continued contact with someone. She obviously has no respect for you and is probably season at game playing and manipulation.

 

Please read this link, and block her from any avenue by which she can contact you.

Needing to go No Contact isn?t about being a ?bad person?, immaturity, or punishment | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

This is great.

 

Sounds like your ex is trying to shift her own sense of guilt of her end of how things failed on you so you have to own EVERYTHING. This is not fair to you and don't buy into it. Prove you ARE the mature person in this by going back into NC and working on your happiness and discovering what you do and don't want in a loving relationship.

 

Whatever you do, don't jump into a new relationship too soon just to "palette cleanse" your ex away. Take time to heal so you don't bring unnecessary drama and hurt to someone new.

[flashed]

I love women to death but they are master manipulators. She sends you into a fury every time you talk to her. Try not to get sucked into that vortex. She knows she has control of your emotions and shes pushing those buttons hard. Learn to handle it cool make her believe that she truly cant shake your world.

[smellysocksuni]

This is great.

 

Sounds like your ex is trying to shift her own sense of guilt of her end of how things failed on you so you have to own EVERYTHING. This is not fair to you and don't buy into it. Prove you ARE the mature person in this by going back into NC and working on your happiness and discovering what you do and don't want in a loving relationship.

 

Whatever you do, don't jump into a new relationship too soon just to "palette cleanse" your ex away. Take time to heal so you don't bring unnecessary drama and hurt to someone new.

 

All I wanted to do tonight was not to ignore her as I personally hate being ignored - I sent her a message to let her know that I was going into NC, and now I'm angry and left feeling like I did something wrong.

 

 

Every time something happens that she doesn't agree with, she will start an argument and just treat me like I caused it, and I end up taking the wrath or apologising. She will then say I'm causing drama, etc. Just because I happen to have spoken up and it doesn't fit in with her core values.

 

 

Now I feel like an idiot, that I caused the argument, that I shouldn't have even said anything, that she will walk away from this feeling like she has the power over me - she'll probably do something spiteful too, like block me and tell me I'm stressing her out.

[smellysocksuni]

This is great.

 

Sounds like your ex is trying to shift her own sense of guilt of her end of how things failed on you so you have to own EVERYTHING. This is not fair to you and don't buy into it. Prove you ARE the mature person in this by going back into NC and working on your happiness and discovering what you do and don't want in a loving relationship.

 

Whatever you do, don't jump into a new relationship too soon just to "palette cleanse" your ex away. Take time to heal so you don't bring unnecessary drama and hurt to someone new.

 

I've already decided that I'm staying single for a while - I didn't even want things to end badly with this person. It's a real shame.

[LovelyDaze]

she'll probably do something spiteful too, like block me and tell me I'm stressing her out.

 

The only way you will know that she has blocked you is if you contact her.

 

That whole recent incident tells you that even if you two were to get back together RIGHT NOW, it would not work. Nothing has changed.

 

If you want continuous love, definitely stay strong and avoid her starting now. If being back in NC prompts her to look inside herself and change things in her as you are changing things in yourself, great! If you being NC never changes anything in her and you end up finding someone amazing to love because you took that time out to find and better yourself, even greater!

 

Nothing at all will be accomplished with back and forth bickering, blame-shifting, etc. Just a big delay in getting on with a happier life that is waiting for you.

[smellysocksuni]

The only way you will know that she has blocked you is if you contact her.

 

That whole recent incident tells you that even if you two were to get back together RIGHT NOW, it would not work. Nothing has changed.

 

If you want continuous love, definitely stay strong and avoid her starting now. If being back in NC prompts her to look inside herself and change things in her as you are changing things in yourself, great! If you being NC never changes anything in her and you end up finding someone amazing to love because you took that time out to find and better yourself, even greater!

 

Nothing at all will be accomplished with back and forth bickering, blame-shifting, etc. Just a big delay in getting on with a happier life that is waiting for you.

 

I am. I will know she's blocked me because she'll usually tell me about it.

 

 

I intend on starting NC tomorrow - I don't think her and I are suited to each other. She really seems to hate me.

[LovelyDaze]

I am. I will know she's blocked me because she'll usually tell me about it.

 

 

I intend on starting NC tomorrow - I don't think her and I are suited to each other. She really seems to hate me.

 

She doesn't like that you plan to avoid her.

 

A.K.A. Knowing your strength and what you deserve.

[smellysocksuni]

She doesn't like that you plan to avoid her.

 

A.K.A. Knowing your strength and what you deserve.

 

 

I've been sitting here for a good hour or so, blaming myself.

 

 

Did I annoy her? Have I actually been rude to her? Is all the arguing going to just confirm in her mind that yes, she did the right thing by dumping me?

 

 

She does this thing where.... if you speak up about something you don't like, she'll somehow flip it over and make it look like you're the one that is in the wrong. All I did was message her to say look, I'm not ignoring you, I just need some time out. She messaged me three times, yesterday - that shouldn't be happening!

 

 

Now the last contact we have had is an argument and that is not what I was trying to do.

 

 

I should never have bothered replying to her message. I should have just left it. She was being so rude and blunt with me. Why the hell did I even bother.

Edited January 25, 2015 by smellysocksuni

[LovelyDaze]

I've been sitting here for a good hour or so, blaming myself.

 

 

Did I annoy her? Have I actually been rude to her? Is all the arguing going to just confirm in her mind that yes, she did the right thing by dumping me?

 

 

She does this thing where.... if you speak up about something you don't like, she'll somehow flip it over and make it look like you're the one that is in the wrong. All I did was message her to say look, I'm not ignoring you, I just need some time out. She messaged me three times, yesterday - that shouldn't be happening!

 

 

Now the last contact we have had is an argument and that is not what I was trying to do.

 

 

I should never have bothered replying to her message. I should have just left it. She was being so rude and blunt with me. Why the hell did I even bother.

 

Of course, many of us had advised not to contact her at all but that has already passed. Actually, it is excellent that when you did break NC, you stood up for yourself! You don't want to have the kind of relationship where you have to walk on eggshells for fear of "rocking the boat".

 

You didn't annoy her, she just couldn't believe that you showed your muscles in this breakup. What she got from what you told her is that you are going to care about YOU for a change and only selfish people would not want that.

[smellysocksuni]

Of course, many of us had advised not to contact her at all but that has already passed. Actually, it is excellent that when you did break NC, you stood up for yourself! You don't want to have the kind of relationship where you have to walk on eggshells for fear of "rocking the boat".

 

You didn't annoy her, she just couldn't believe that you showed your muscles in this breakup. What she got from what you told her is that you are going to care about YOU for a change and only selfish people would not want that.

 

Before I sent the message, I felt sort of apprehensive anyway. I knew there'd be conflict.

 

It's so disappointing that things have ended up this way. We used to live together, shared everything together. For 16 months. Every single day.

Now she's chatting to God knows however many people, and we just argue every time we speak, and don't know anything about each other's lives. It's so sad.

[BC1980]

Before I sent the message, I felt sort of apprehensive anyway. I knew there'd be conflict.

 

It's so disappointing that things have ended up this way. We used to live together, shared everything together. For 16 months. Every single day.

Now she's chatting to God knows however many people, and we just argue every time we speak, and don't know anything about each other's lives. It's so sad.

 

She honestly has you so beaten down and your reality so distorted. She has manipulated you so well, and you keep falling into her trap by contacting her. You sound like me at the end of my last relationship, totally beaten down and just messed up in the head. Once you go NC, you will see how toxic all of this is. Right now, you are acting against your own best interests in an attempt to appease her or get her attention. Who the heck cares if her feelings are hurt by you ignoring her? Why does that matter to you at this point? If she dumps you, she needs to move the h*ll on and stop bothering you.

[BC1980]

I should never have bothered replying to her message. I should have just left it. She was being so rude and blunt with me. Why the hell did I even bother.

 

Because you don't realize the game she is playing. She is a master manipulator, and she has you pegged for a push over. The fact that someone would act that way is foreign to your thinking, but, believe me, it happens a lot. You have to start looking out for yourself and have better boundaries. Otherwise, you are a sitting duck to someone like her. After a breakup, you need a big boundary in place. Otherwise, you are going to get bulldozed and obliterated by people like her. You stand no chance.

 

She sounds like a big boundary pusher to me. I bet that once this intense part has passed, you can look back and see that she wasn't good for you. I can't imagine that someone acting this way after a relationship would be that much better in the relationship.

[smellysocksuni]

Because you don't realize the game she is playing. She is a master manipulator, and she has you pegged for a push over. The fact that someone would act that way is foreign to your thinking, but, believe me, it happens a lot. You have to start looking out for yourself and have better boundaries. Otherwise, you are a sitting duck to someone like her. After a breakup, you need a big boundary in place. Otherwise, you are going to get bulldozed and obliterated by people like her. You stand no chance.

 

She sounds like a big boundary pusher to me. I bet that once this intense part has passed, you can look back and see that she wasn't good for you. I can't imagine that someone acting this way after a relationship would be that much better in the relationship.

 

I remember, early on in the relationship... she would be quite demanding and, if I didn't want to perform whatever it was that she wanted me to - there'd be some sort of... I don't know, tears, complaints, etc. Got to the point where I'd just have to do whatever it was to avoid a stink being kicked up.

 

Even little things, like if I wanted to watch a certain show... "No, you go and watch that in the bedroom".

 

She even said, "I want someone that will live, eat and breathe me" at one stage in our dating. Because I was so obsessed at the time I didn't see this red flag. But now I see who she is. It hurts because obviously, my feelings font just switch off... but... and she was so generous, financially. But I guess that was her cover. "I give so much, I must be a nice person" - I don't know

 

She'd talk about herself a lot, too. Her day, how she was, where she was going. If I tried to ever talk about me, her reply wpuld always be something like "OK", rather than an attempt at furthering the conversation.

 

She keeps saying how she supported me from start to finish and that I put her on an emotional rollercoaster, but the problem simply was that I wasn't submissive enough. I wanted her to clean up after herself, to do the laundry, but everytime I asked it was "I work all week, I want to relax and not have to do it" and I just spent most of my time cleaning up after her, scared to mention it for fear of being accused of being "nasty" or "mean", again.

 

And the relationship ended because I wasn't making her happy enough, I was making her miserable, I wasn't kind enough, I was selfish, I wasn't supportive enough. I tried my best but I just felt like she wanted me to live my life for her. I had no space to breathe or to think. I couldn't even read or eat what I wanted to as EVERYTHING was what she wanted. I couldn't even watch the news because it made her feel sad.

 

She had a weight problem and would overeat, to the point where she felt sick. If i said, oh you shouldn't have eaten that much, I wasn't being supportive, I was being mean. Nothing I did was good enough for her. If I ever expressed dislike for anything, she'd turn it around and I'd somehow end up apologising.

Edited January 25, 2015 by smellysocksuni

[LovelyDaze]

It is sad. But it is not a place you will stay in. Obviously grieve over the loss but don't DO anything to prolong the sadness(staying in contact with your ex, getting into a new relationship to quickly, ONLY hanging on to reconciliation with the ex).

 

You will surely go in an out of many thoughts, emotions, ideas, etc. That is all normal and ok. You have NOW learned how your ex will react when NC is broken so take a nice, lengthy break and don't concentrate on her. It's time for you. When you come to a place when you love yourself, your own company, know what you want in a relationship and are confident about that-you will attract that!

 

Now a small warning...when you are nice and ready for love again,you will also attract the types like your ex(or any past exes) too. Life has a funny way of "testing" us to see if we will rinse and repeat what we have learned from the last relationship so watch for all the red flags and listen to your gut.

 

Every relationship is an experience. Our exes teach us lessons about who we are, what we are made of, what we will tolerate, and how much we value ourselves.

[BC1980]

I remember, early on in the relationship... she would be quite demanding and, if I didn't want to perform whatever it was that she wanted me to - there'd be some sort of... I don't know, tears, complaints, etc. Got to the point where I'd just have to do whatever it was to avoid a stink being kicked up.

 

Even little things, like if I wanted to watch a certain show... "No, you go and watch that in the bedroom".

 

She even said, "I want someone that will live, eat and breathe me" at one stage in our dating. Because I was so obsessed at the time I didn't see this red flag. But now I see who she is. It hurts because obviously, my feelings font just switch off... but... and she was so generous, financially. But I guess that was her cover. "I give so much, I must be a nice person" - I don't know

 

She'd talk about herself a lot, too. Her day, how she was, where she was going. If I tried to ever talk about me, her reply wpuld always be something like "OK", rather than an attempt at furthering the conversation.

 

She keeps saying how she supported me from start to finish and that I put her on an emotional rollercoaster, but the problem simply was that I wasn't submissive enough. I wanted her to clean up after herself, to do the laundry, but everytime I asked it was "I work all week, I want to relax and not have to do it" and I just spent most of my time cleaning up after her, scared to mention it for fear of being accused of being "nasty" or "mean", again.

 

And the relationship ended because I wasn't making her happy enough, I was making her miserable, I wasn't kind enough, I was selfish, I wasn't supportive enough. I tried my best but I just felt like she wanted me to live my life for her. I had no space to breathe or to think. I couldn't even read or eat what I wanted to as EVERYTHING was what she wanted. I couldn't even watch the news because it made her feel sad.

 

She had a weight problem and would overeat, to the point where she felt sick. If i said, oh you shouldn't have eaten that much, I wasn't being supportive, I was being mean. Nothing I did was good enough for her. If I ever expressed dislike for anything, she'd turn it around and I'd somehow end up apologising.

 

Well, none of what you described sounds ideal. At the least, she sounds needy and controlling. My ex was also very financially supportive, but that can also be used as a way to control you. To make you feel dependent on the person, and it works to some degree. Helping you financially is also a way to mask other shortcomings. When I looked back at my relationship, literally, the only positive or nice things I could point to were things he had helped me with financially. There was absolutely no emotional support in the relationship, and I mistook financial support (gifts, trips, paying for everyday things) as love. So don't get too wrapped up in financial support.

 

All of what you wrote sounds sadly familiar to me. My ex was always in my face, never letting me get a moment alone. He always had to be with me, but he wanted us to be doing what he wanted. Other people would comment on it too. It's really ironic how those types can dump you so fast and never look back. Meanwhile, you are left shell shocked and confused about what the heck just happened. I think they can detach so easily because they see you as object, as something less than human. That's how I felt anyway. So they can move on to the next person because you only really served as a puppet.

 

The really tragic part is that we loved and trusted these people, so you end up broken to pieces when you realize the truth. Honestly, the demise of my relationship shook me to my core and forced me to change how I view others. There are actually people out there who will use you. I spent a good year completely depressed and with a broken spirit, not because I missed him, but because I was so shocked that another human being could actually use me the way he did. I'm really so sorry you are going through this. You need to block this girl ASAP. That's the only way to move on from the situation. Once you block them, they will go away and find another poor person to abuse. Right now, she's feeding on any attention you give her.

[smellysocksuni]

Well, none of what you described sounds ideal. At the least, she sounds needy and controlling. My ex was also very financially supportive, but that can also be used as a way to control you. To make you feel dependent on the person, and it works to some degree. Helping you financially is also a way to mask other shortcomings. When I looked back at my relationship, literally, the only positive or nice things I could point to were things he had helped me with financially. There was absolutely no emotional support in the relationship, and I mistook financial support (gifts, trips, paying for everyday things) as love. So don't get too wrapped up in financial support.

 

All of what you wrote sounds sadly familiar to me. My ex was always in my face, never letting me get a moment alone. He always had to be with me, but he wanted us to be doing what he wanted. Other people would comment on it too. It's really ironic how those types can dump you so fast and never look back. Meanwhile, you are left shell shocked and confused about what the heck just happened. I think they can detach so easily because they see you as object, as something less than human. That's how I felt anyway. So they can move on to the next person because you only really served as a puppet.

 

The really tragic part is that we loved and trusted these people, so you end up broken to pieces when you realize the truth. Honestly, the demise of my relationship shook me to my core and forced me to change how I view others. There are actually people out there who will use you. I spent a good year completely depressed and with a broken spirit, not because I missed him, but because I was so shocked that another human being could actually use me the way he did. I'm really so sorry you are going through this. You need to block this girl ASAP. That's the only way to move on from the situation. Once you block them, they will go away and find another poor person to abuse. Right now, she's feeding on any attention you give her.

 

 

I'm sorry to hear that you went through that. It isn't nice.

 

 

I suffer from extreme depression and anxiety, and she was never emotionally supportive. She just left because it got "too much". I was dragging her down. Making her unhappy.

[smellysocksuni]

I'm sure this isn't the right place to post this, but this break up has really shaken me.

 

I now realise that I don't have any immediate family members for support. My only friend is going home tomorrow afternoon after having stayed with me for two weeks, and I will hardly get to see or talk to her when she leaves (for reasons due to her home life). My ex is no longer in my life, and we have mutually agreed NC as things were getting too much for both of us.

 

All I keep thinking is that it was all my fault. I couldn't just accept the break up and now we aren't even going to talk - I mess everything up and now I have no-one. I'm quite an introvert anyway so I don't really go out, I don't know that many people and I don't work so I don't have any money.

 

I have been lying here crying for the last hour, terrified of being on my own, terrified of how I'm going to be when my friend leaves. I have even had suicidal thoughts as I can't see a way out of this.

 

I am under the care of a local mental health team but all they really do is speak to me for 15 minutes a day and then I have to cope with the rest of the day on my own.

 

I don't have any siblings, any parents to turn to - my partner was the last thing I had and now she's gone and is already in the arms of someone else. She doesn't seem to remember any good times during our relationship, instead picking on all the bad things that happened and that really, really hurts.

[BC1980]

I'm so sorry that you have no support. I had a ton of support, and it makes all the difference. You might have support and not even realize it. What about any friends at work? Anyone you could talk to? You do have LS, and you can post on here as often as you like.

 

Right now, you're in the shock phase, so the emotions are intense.

[smellysocksuni]

I'm so sorry that you have no support. I had a ton of support, and it makes all the difference. You might have support and not even realize it. What about any friends at work? Anyone you could talk to? You do have LS, and you can post on here as often as you like.

 

Right now, you're in the shock phase, so the emotions are intense.

 

I have one family member and one close friend that have both been very good toward me - I will get through this. Today, I have even been wondering whether I actually loved this person or if I just loved the company. She wasn't the person for me. She didn't make me truly happy. So many little things I wasn't happy with.

 

I have accepted the break up, now. I feel relatively OK today, too. When I think about her it feels like we knew each other a long time ago and I don't know...my memories seem to have already faded. Perhaps I wasn't really in love with her.

 

I feel a little anxious about dating in the future, but that's a long way off. I am staying single for a few years, and that means not even dating. I've been hurt too often, I don't want that to happen again.

[lala2001]

Im here for support if you need it. I feel the same way also as I have no friends but one and she just is very strong willed and cant really relate. I have felt suicidal as well as sometimes it feels as though there is no way out of this dark hole. It is really intense. For me, I can hardly bare it and I have been creating quite the mess in my life over it all - bulldozing anyone who cares (which is really no one) its all so hard. try to take it one day at a time and I will try to follow that advice as well... just know you are not alone in this. im sitting here an absolute mess - a shell of who i used to be. its terrible.

[LovelyDaze]

 

I feel a little anxious about dating in the future, but that's a long way off. I am staying single for a few years, and that means not even dating. I've been hurt too often, I don't want that to happen again.

 

Don't put too much pressure on yourself right now about future relationships. Take it one step at a time. Day by day. You deserve to love yourself like a best friend.

 

While it is TERRIFIC you will give yourself time to not date until you feel better about things, don't give yourself a time table either. You may meet someone absolutely incredible just when you are living a happy, ex-free(indifferent to the ex, that is) life sooner than you think.

 

Just work on caring for you and feel out your emotions. As some of the LS members said, you DO have support from people who know how you feel to the heart.

[Zahara]

I feel a little anxious about dating in the future, but that's a long way off. I am staying single for a few years, and that means not even dating. I've been hurt too often, I don't want that to happen again.

 

One day at a time, sock. This is not the time to be thinking of dating -- when, how, etc. That will come when it comes. For now, you focus on healing and one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

 

Try not to put a timeline on what your future should be. It will all fall into place naturally.

 

You're hurt right now so it's all so daunting. Treat yourself gently. The best relationship you can foster right now is one with yourself.

[smellysocksuni]

Thanks for the advice and kind words, everyone. I intend to just focus on other stuff now, not relationships.

[BC1980]

Thanks for the advice and kind words, everyone. I intend to just focus on other stuff now, not relationships.

 

I think it's best to focus on yourself in the long run. You have your entire life to find love, and immediately after a breakup is almost never the time. I tried dating immediately after my breakup, and I wasn't ready. I tried several months later, and it still felt a bit weird. Only in the past few months have I felt ready to open my heart up again, but it's not a priority. I'm just doing my own thing for now and really enjoying that.