Stuck in Limbo (Update)

[smellysocksuni]

I'm finding it really hard to cope, lately. For the last couple of nights I've been awake crying and haven't slept at all. I'm really ill, I feel really run down and I know she's off talking to someone else already, which just makes things worse. How can you be with someone for over a year and then just jump into a new relationship?

 

I feel constantly angry, constantly sick - hopeless, lonely, every negative feeling there is I think I'm feeling it. I spent a couple of days at my aunt's but I couldn't really talk to her, it was just awkward. I don't know what to do, I don't feel like things are getting any better. I feel like I should have moved on by now because she has, but it's all so raw and horrible.

Edited January 30, 2015 by smellysocksuni

[SoThatHappened]

This might cheer you up:

 

1. She jumped from d!ck to d!ck. That's a lousy foundation that won't last. Trust me on this.

 

2. I jumped from a LTR to another relationship immediately. Didn't work out too well for me.

 

Cry. Punch Stuff. Write things down. Post here. Take one step at a time. DO NOT CONTACT HER IN ANY WAY. Do not check any social media whatsoever.

 

You'll get over it. Once you're done with the shock, pick yourself up by the bootstraps and improve every part of your life that you can.

 

We'll see who "wins" in the end when your life has improved, her rebound is over, and she's wanting you back.

 

But, guess what? She won't be able to contact you because you became a ghost.

[BC1980]

I'm finding it really hard to cope, lately. For the last couple of nights I've been awake crying and haven't slept at all. I'm really ill, I feel really run down and I know she's off talking to someone else already, which just makes things worse. How can you be with someone for over a year and then just jump into a new relationship?

 

I feel constantly angry, constantly sick - hopeless, lonely, every negative feeling there is I think I'm feeling it. I spent a couple of days at my aunt's but I couldn't really talk to her, it was just awkward. I don't know what to do, I don't feel like things are getting any better. I feel like I should have moved on by now because she has, but it's all so raw and horrible.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Truly, I completely empathize with you because my ex got engaged 5 months after he stopped stringing me along. I don't understand that myself, but he did have a history of that type behavior. So does your ex. I truly believe that these people are players in the truest sense. They treat people like objects and go from one to the next, never fully attaching. My ex had a line of women before me, so it was foolish of me to believe I was special. He's also very impulsive. Would promise me the world and later claim I misunderstood.

 

It's hard to move on because besides just general breakup crud, you're left realizing the person you loved didn't exist the way you pictured him/her. You are forced to come to terms with the fact that you were just one person in a long string of people. Trust me when I say that in the long run, you are the one who got away from an undeserving person. You don't see it now, but you will.

Edited January 30, 2015 by BC1980

[smellysocksuni]

She just doesn't seem to miss me, at all. Was I even relevant?

[Zahara]

She just doesn't seem to miss me, at all. Was I even relevant?

 

You can't base the now on the past. When you both were in a relationship -- the missing, the loving, the care, etc. it was alive and present. Once an ending happens, those feelings fade and indifference starts to set in. And if she ended it, most likely what she had for you was probably changing and morphing into detachment long before the break-up.

 

She may think of you, or even possibly miss you but not enough to want to revisit that again. And seeing how she treated you during the relationship, I'd have to question what she would actually be missing.

[BC1980]

She just doesn't seem to miss me, at all. Was I even relevant?

 

We'll never really know. Some people are very impulsive and live off the high of the relationship when they feel the love. Those people seem to crash and burn just as quickly in my experience. Sometimes, feelings change, and you can't control that. The bottom line is that we can't get into her head and truly know what she feels. The only thing we can rely on is her actions, which have communicated that she is no longer interested in a relationship with you for whatever reason. Didn't you say that she moved out of one guy's house to move in with you? There's a saying that I can't remember word for word. It goes something like, "What a person does to someone else, they will do to you." Something like that.

 

I know one thing for certain. Whether you were ever relative to her doesn't matter one bit, and it's not judgement against you as a person. You need to keep repeating that reality to yourself until you believe it. She's no prize that you lost. Honestly, trust me when I tell you that she's not worth it.

Edited January 30, 2015 by BC1980

[smellysocksuni]

We'll never really know. Some people are very impulsive and live off the high of the relationship when they feel the love. Those people seem to crash and burn just as quickly in my experience. Sometimes, feelings change, and you can't control that. The bottom line is that we can't get into her head and truly know what she feels. The only thing we can rely on is her actions, which have communicated that she is no longer interested in a relationship with you for whatever reason. Didn't you say that she moved out of one guy's house to move in with you? There's a saying that I can't remember word for word. It goes something like, "What a person does to someone else, they will do to you." Something like that.

 

I know one thing for certain. Whether you were ever relative to her doesn't matter one bit, and it's not judgement against you as a person. You need to keep repeating that reality to yourself until you believe it. She's no prize that you lost. Honestly, trust me when I tell you that she's not worth it.

 

She did, yeah. I don't know how long they'd been broken up but I do think I may have been her rebound. I was one of about four people that she was chatting to after that break up - now I'm the person she's doing it to.

[BC1980]

She did, yeah. I don't know how long they'd been broken up but I do think I may have been her rebound. I was one of about four people that she was chatting to after that break up - now I'm the person she's doing it to.

 

Sounds less like a rebound and more like a person who swings from one relationship to the next. I'd bet this is her style, and she's been doing it for awhile. Be glad you are rid of this person.

[smellysocksuni]

I got two texts from her this morning - pictures of MY OWN CAT with the caption "saw these and thought you'd like them" - thanks, but I haven't forgotten what my cat looks like.

 

She texts me every morning, even if I say look, let's not talk, I can't handle it, go away. She will still do it. Even after she has said to me that she loves me but isn't in love with me (classic), that she will never return to me (yay, thank god) etc.

 

Every day I get these silly pointless texts.

 

One time, after I told her I was heartbroken, she messaged me in the morning with "Hello, hope you're feeling better today" - oh yeah, sure, all is forgotten.

 

Call me stupid, and I really am for doing this but I actually replied to her today and we had a little conversation.

 

She went quiet for a few hours, then I sent her another message saying "hey, you still there?"

 

"What do you want from me? I can't be at your beck and call! I feel like I can't even go online without you WhatsApping me!! You're giving me no room!! None of my other friends do this so why do you think it's OK?!!"

 

I just went offline and left her to it.

 

What a creep.

 

I wish I was strong enough to stick to NC, I always end up giving in and I genuinely, genuinely want to heal.

 

Ugh.

Edited January 31, 2015 by smellysocksuni

[BC1980]

I got two texts from her this morning - pictures of MY OWN CAT with the caption "saw these and thought you'd like them" - thanks, but I haven't forgotten what my cat looks like.

 

She texts me every morning, even if I say look, let's not talk, I can't handle it, go away. She will still do it. Even after she has said to me that she loves me but isn't in love with me (classic), that she will never return to me (yay, thank god) etc.

 

Every day I get these silly pointless texts.

 

One time, after I told her I was heartbroken, she messaged me in the morning with "Hello, hope you're feeling better today" - oh yeah, sure, all is forgotten.

 

Call me stupid, and I really am for doing this but I actually replied to her today and we had a little conversation.

 

She went quiet for a few hours, then I sent her another message saying "hey, you still there?"

 

"What do you want from me? I can't be at your beck and call! I feel like I can't even go online without you WhatsApping me!! You're giving me no room!! None of my other friends do this so why do you think it's OK?!!"

 

I just went offline and left her to it.

 

What a creep.

 

I wish I was strong enough to stick to NC, I always end up giving in and I genuinely, genuinely want to heal.

 

Ugh.

 

Why do you resist NC? I resisted NC because I wanted to win my ex back. Everyone has a reason. Once you figure out the reason, it might be easier to go NC.

[smellysocksuni]

Why do you resist NC? I resisted NC because I wanted to win my ex back. Everyone has a reason. Once you figure out the reason, it might be easier to go NC.

 

I think I resist because she always seems to being "herself", the her I knew and so I'm reeled in. I feel comfortable talking to her. Am scared of not talking to her, probably some sort of addiction? I'm not sure.

[SoThatHappened]

Am scared of not talking to her,

Very likely why she's not scared of not having you in her life.

 

Grow a pair. The results will shock you.

[BC1980]

I think I resist because she always seems to being "herself", the her I knew and so I'm reeled in. I feel comfortable talking to her. Am scared of not talking to her, probably some sort of addiction? I'm not sure.

 

You have to look at the bigger picture of her actions. You can't look at only the times she is "herself," which I assume are the times she makes you feel comfortable and special. Anyone can make you feel important for part of the time, but you can't weigh those times as greater than the other, awful times you have described.

 

My ex was capable of making me feel very loved and special but could also be downright abusive. I always felt like I was on a roller coaster with him and never knew where I stood from one day to the next. No one deserves that, and I eventually had to say that we did have good times, but they weren't enough to offset the poor treatment all the other times.

[sober and dry]

You have to look at the bigger picture of her actions. You can't look at only the times she is "herself," which I assume are the times she makes you feel comfortable and special. Anyone can make you feel important for part of the time, but you can't weigh those times as greater than the other, awful times you have described.

I think that is easy to realize this. But the hard part that is really hard to get is this:

My ex was capable of making me feel very loved and special but could also be downright abusive. I always felt like I was on a roller coaster with him and never knew where I stood from one day to the next. No one deserves that, and I eventually had to say that we did have good times, but they weren't enough to offset the poor treatment all the other times

When we still attached to our ex's in any kind, shape or form, it keep us in some kind of Stockholm syndrome.

It's really hard to see that those times they were able to makes us feel very loved and special doesn't worth the bad ones.

[BC1980]

I think that is easy to realize this. But the hard part that is really hard to get is this:

 

When we still attached to our ex's in any kind, shape or form, it keep us in some kind of Stockholm syndrome.

It's really hard to see that those times they were able to makes us feel very loved and special doesn't worth the bad ones.

 

Yes, I agree, but the only way to emotionally detach is through NC.

[idoltree]

I got two texts from her this morning - pictures of MY OWN CAT with the caption "saw these and thought you'd like them" - thanks, but I haven't forgotten what my cat looks like.

 

She texts me every morning, even if I say look, let's not talk, I can't handle it, go away. She will still do it. Even after she has said to me that she loves me but isn't in love with me (classic), that she will never return to me (yay, thank god) etc.

 

Every day I get these silly pointless texts.

 

One time, after I told her I was heartbroken, she messaged me in the morning with "Hello, hope you're feeling better today" - oh yeah, sure, all is forgotten.

 

Call me stupid, and I really am for doing this but I actually replied to her today and we had a little conversation.

 

She went quiet for a few hours, then I sent her another message saying "hey, you still there?"

 

"What do you want from me? I can't be at your beck and call! I feel like I can't even go online without you WhatsApping me!! You're giving me no room!! None of my other friends do this so why do you think it's OK?!!"

 

I just went offline and left her to it.

 

What a creep.

 

I wish I was strong enough to stick to NC, I always end up giving in and I genuinely, genuinely want to heal.

 

Ugh.

 

Maybe if someone explains why responding to her is a bad idea it will sink in.

 

Sometimes people just want attention. Positive, negative, it doesn't matter. They don't care if they get yelled at or made to feel guilty. The words on the screen don't matter to them - they just want to get any words on a screen to feel like they matter. It's a way of pumping up one's ego, because - to these types - feeling like they don't matter to someone is torture. Particularly when that someone used to run after them and give them anything they wanted. That person has become a reliable source of ego supply, and taking away that ego supply shocks them and worries them.

 

Oftentimes, these are the people who are sending crazy stuff. Meaning that the content doesn't make any sense for the current situation, or that the fact that they are texting at all doesn't make any sense. Her texts to you are out of place. It doesn't make sense that she's sending them, therefore you can reliably conclude she is turning to you to make sure that she still matters to you. (Don't mistake this for love or caring for you, it is all about her.)

 

Replying to her is communicating that she matters, that she can make you happy, she can make you sad, she can make you wonder what she's thinking and doing. It doesn't matter what words you use, the action of replying is giving her what she wants from you.

 

If you really want to make a statement to her about realizing your own value and that you are not okay with how she treated you, silence is how you do it.

 

Expect increasingly frantic efforts at getting the ego boosts you used to supply her. She'll text you more, she'll act sad, she'll act angry and try to bait you into replying with nasty manipulative texts, ... what do you do? Silence. You are silent because you see the bigger picture of what she is trying to do to you instead of the little words on the screen, and you don't appreciate it. So you do not give her a response, because any response makes her feel better and you feel worse.

 

It will hurt you for a little while, since your impulse is to run and fix things. But any pain and anxiety you feel are coming from within you. Believe it or not, those things have always been there and are behind your actions in selecting her as a partner. She triggered the specific worries and anxieties you had in such a way that your lizard brain felt that she was the cure to those worries and anxieties. In reality, she exacerbates them and triggers you. Your lizard brain was wrong (they often are), because she is destructive to your well-being. The pain and anxiety aren't a result of being separate from her, and she is not the answer to making them go away.

 

Use the time on your own to heal yourself and your old wounds, and next time you choose someone for yourself, it will be coming from a healthier place.

Edited January 31, 2015 by idoltree

[Trapito]

Maybe if someone explains why responding to her is a bad idea it will sink in.

 

Sometimes people just want attention. Positive, negative, it doesn't matter. They don't care if they get yelled at or made to feel guilty. The words on the screen don't matter to them - they just want to get any words on a screen to feel like they matter. It's a way of pumping up one's ego, because - to these types - feeling like they don't matter to someone is torture. Particularly when that someone used to run after them and give them anything they wanted. That person has become a reliable source of ego supply, and taking away that ego supply shocks them and worries them.

 

Oftentimes, these are the people who are sending crazy stuff. Meaning that the content doesn't make any sense for the current situation, or that the fact that they are texting at all doesn't make any sense. Her texts to you are out of place. It doesn't make sense that she's sending them, therefore you can reliably conclude she is turning to you to make sure that she still matters to you. (Don't mistake this for love or caring for you, it is all about her.)

 

Replying to her is communicating that she matters, that she can make you happy, she can make you sad, she can make you wonder what she's thinking and doing. It doesn't matter what words you use, the action of replying is giving her what she wants from you.

 

If you really want to make a statement to her about realizing your own value and that you are not okay with how she treated you, silence is how you do it.

 

Expect increasingly frantic efforts at getting the ego boosts you used to supply her. She'll text you more, she'll act sad, she'll act angry and try to bait you into replying with nasty manipulative texts, ... what do you do? Silence. You are silent because you see the bigger picture of what she is trying to do to you instead of the little words on the screen, and you don't appreciate it. So you do not give her a response, because any response makes her feel better and you feel worse.

 

It will hurt you for a little while, since your impulse is to run and fix things. But any pain and anxiety you feel are coming from within you. Believe it or not, those things have always been there and are behind your actions in selecting her as a partner. She triggered the specific worries and anxieties you had in such a way that your lizard brain felt that she was the cure to those worries and anxieties. In reality, she exacerbates them and triggers you. Your lizard brain was wrong (they often are), because she is destructive to your well-being. The pain and anxiety aren't a result of being separate from her, and she is not the answer to making them go away.

 

Use the time on your own to heal yourself and your old wounds, and next time you choose someone for yourself, it will be coming from a healthier place.

 

This^^^^

 

She is being very selfish. Sending you breadcrumbs, expecting you to reply and be at HER back and call. Now she is giving you hell?! Well, **** her! I bet she will send you a text in the morning, telling you she had a ****ty day and that's why she responded like this. Taking no blame for her wrong doings, just blaming them on external things.

 

Well.. She is not your problem anymore. After her last text, if you have any self worth, do not reply to anything she sends your way. This includes:

 

- Texts

- Emails

- Phone calls

- FB messages

- Contact regarding your relationship from her relatives or friends

- Smoke signals

- Pigeons with notes

- Etcetera

 

Her last text shows you how little she thinks of you. If I would get a message like that, that person is blocked from my life FOREVER. She is a dildo face and is not worthy of your time. Block that asshat!

[smellysocksuni]

This^^^^

 

She is being very selfish. Sending you breadcrumbs, expecting you to reply and be at HER back and call. Now she is giving you hell?! Well, **** her! I bet she will send you a text in the morning, telling you she had a ****ty day and that's why she responded like this. Taking no blame for her wrong doings, just blaming them on external things.

 

Well.. She is not your problem anymore. After her last text, if you have any self worth, do not reply to anything she sends your way. This includes:

 

- Texts

- Emails

- Phone calls

- FB messages

- Contact regarding your relationship from her relatives or friends

- Smoke signals

- Pigeons with notes

- Etcetera

 

Her last text shows you how little she thinks of you. If I would get a message like that, that person is blocked from my life FOREVER. She is a dildo face and is not worthy of your time. Block that asshat!

 

I'm disappointed in how I've handled this break up. I believed she was someone else at the beginning of it. I blamed myself for a lot of things...but now. I've seen who she really, REALLY is. A selfish, spoilt individual.

 

Look, I know this has been mentioned and you're all going to give me HELL for it but - her stuff is still here. The chest of drawers, the two suitcases of clothes, the wicker basket of stuff. She still won't come to get it.

 

I don't know where she lives. I sent her a text asking her to give me an address so that I could forward her stuff on but she ignored me. She again gave me the excuse that she was working SO hard, EXHAUSTED! LEAVE ME ALONE! and then blocked me from WhatsApp

 

I don't want this stuff here anymore. What do I do? Throw it out?

[BC1980]

I'm disappointed in how I've handled this break up. I believed she was someone else at the beginning of it. I blamed myself for a lot of things...but now. I've seen who she really, REALLY is. A selfish, spoilt individual.

 

Look, I know this has been mentioned and you're all going to give me HELL for it but - her stuff is still here. The chest of drawers, the two suitcases of clothes, the wicker basket of stuff. She still won't come to get it.

 

I don't know where she lives. I sent her a text asking her to give me an address so that I could forward her stuff on but she ignored me. She again gave me the excuse that she was working SO hard, EXHAUSTED! LEAVE ME ALONE! and then blocked me from WhatsApp

 

I don't want this stuff here anymore. What do I do? Throw it out?

 

I'd throw it out if I were you. She's had ample time to get it, so it clearly means little to her. She's not coming to get it because she wants to exert control over you. I don't suggest that you have anymore communication with her whatsoever.

 

Yes, I'm sure she was with someone else at the beginning of the breakup. Probably when you were together actually. The same thing likely happened to me, and it's happened to countless others. The best advice I can give is to look at the big picture of someone's character. Don't get sucked in by them showing you attention and making you feel special in the moment. That was my biggest mistake I made. I thought I was special to my ex, but, in reality, I was just another woman in a long line.

[smellysocksuni]

I'd throw it out if I were you. She's had ample time to get it, so it clearly means little to her. She's not coming to get it because she wants to exert control over you. I don't suggest that you have anymore communication with her whatsoever.

 

Yes, I'm sure she was with someone else at the beginning of the breakup. Probably when you were together actually. The same thing likely happened to me, and it's happened to countless others. The best advice I can give is to look at the big picture of someone's character. Don't get sucked in by them showing you attention and making you feel special in the moment. That was my biggest mistake I made. I thought I was special to my ex, but, in reality, I was just another woman in a long line.

 

This seems never ending but a couple of days ago, she'd blocked me on something or the other and so I emailed her - "I've held on to your things long enough now..." etc.

 

Her reply was a long email detailing how tired she was, etc. How I was threatening her... etc. :|

 

Anyway - today she decided that we shouldn't talk anymore. Asked me what I thought, I just said sure, whatever you think.

 

I've been trying to NC for weeks, but all of a sudden she wants to? Huh?

[BC1980]

This seems never ending but a couple of days ago, she'd blocked me on something or the other and so I emailed her - "I've held on to your things long enough now..." etc.

 

Her reply was a long email detailing how tired she was, etc. How I was threatening her... etc. :|

 

Anyway - today she decided that we shouldn't talk anymore. Asked me what I thought, I just said sure, whatever you think.

 

I've been trying to NC for weeks, but all of a sudden she wants to? Huh?

 

Yes, it seems never ending because you keep contact with her. You are playing the main role in your continued suffering at this point. Based on this most recent communication, she clearly does not care about her stuff. Throw it out. Otherwise, contact a friend or hers or family member to get it. This stuff isn't exceptionally valuable or sentimental to her; otherwise, she would have gotten it by now.

[smellysocksuni]

Yes, it seems never ending because you keep contact with her. You are playing the main role in your continued suffering at this point. Based on this most recent communication, she clearly does not care about her stuff. Throw it out. Otherwise, contact a friend or hers or family member to get it. This stuff isn't exceptionally valuable or sentimental to her; otherwise, she would have gotten it by now.

 

To be honest, I'm sort of not bothered about her or what she does, now. It took me a while to see who she was - the constant back and forth had me realise and probably helped in the break down of the idealization I had of her. I no longer blame myself for the break down of the relationship, I don't believe that I was a selfish, unkind partner. I think I was acting like a normal human being but her expectations were far too high as her mummy and daddy do it ALL for her. Even when we first met, she was telling me to do something and her friend immediately said to me "you CAN say no, y'know!" She was too controlling for me. Even this NC is on her terms. I can't be with someone like that. So yeah, not going NC really helped me, lol. I'm not sure it's supposed to go that way, but hey.

 

And nor do I want her back. Sure, I miss her from time to time but that's normal. The fact that she jumped straight to someone else has also helped. Do I want to be with someone who doesn't even wait a week after ending it to get with someone else? No, I don't.

 

None of my friends or family have a good word to say about her. Even a therapist I had only been speaking to for all of 15 minutes advised me to let her get on with it as she sounds "extremely cruel and manipulative" - as well as everyone on here saying the same thing.

 

If I had gone straight NC, as painful as the past few weeks have been, I would still be sitting here with a perfect idealised version of her, but now I feel more confident in myself, more relaxed, not so worried about her, focused on the future, etc. I've joined a couple of dating sites - not for relationships, but ego boosts. That's something I would never have done before. And TODAY marks the first day that I haven't cried, or felt bad enough to want to.

 

 

 

So I think I'm doing OK

Edited February 3, 2015 by smellysocksuni

[Zahara]

What still remains is the fact that you're still storing her belongings. How did you find out you were blocked? And why did you bring up the stuff again after you knew she blocked you? Regardless of how you feel now, the stuff, the umbilical cord needs to be severed. Take back your self-respect, your space, your peace of mind, your thoughts and cut that tie to her. IF she has all these men in her phone and possibly a new guy, she can have them help her get her things. I'm not sure why after all she's done you're still catering and engaging her nonsense.

[smellysocksuni]

What still remains is the fact that you're still storing her belongings. How did you find out you were blocked? And why did you bring up the stuff again after you knew she blocked you? Regardless of how you feel now, the stuff, the umbilical cord needs to be severed. Take back your self-respect, your space, your peace of mind, your thoughts and cut that tie to her. IF she has all these men in her phone, she can have them help her get her things. I'm not sure why after all she's done you're still catering to her nonsense.

 

Hey.

 

Do you know what, even I don't know. That is something I haven't really been thinking about, to be honest. I bought up the stuff because - well, probably to elicit a reply, or something. That, and the fact that I wanted her to remember that I'm holding on to your stuff, don't you dare treat me like this.

 

Also, probably because most of my family are softly spoken, as am I - and all of us are single, bar one who's girlfriend treats him very badly.... It's no excuse, but I think I have inherited the "nicely, nicely" gene. I don't want to throw it out because I know it's valuable, and I have a conscience. Although I wonder if SHE would have held on to my things for so long. She is coming to get it next Wednesday, it's all been arranged.

 

I found out I was blocked because we were talking and she blocked me while in the chat, before I'd had the chance to even reply to the last thing she'd said, because she was tired and I was annoying her.

 

It's OK, I'm so so so appreciative of all your advice - but trust me, I just laugh at her, now.

[BC1980]

If you really wanted to move on, you wouldn't talk to her at all. She is getting her stuff Wednesday. After that, you need NC. I'm sure she will reach out again to see if she can yank your chain. You have proven that she still affects you. I know you feel okay right now, but your feelings will probably be a roller coaster for awhile.