Stuck in Limbo (Update)

[smellysocksuni]

I have had to message her to find out the details of when she picks her stuff up and she has said that she will call me later if it's OK - obviously, I do not want this as it will set me back. What shall I say?

[Zahara]

I know all about the emotionally detaching thing too, but how is it that she doesn't give a damn about me? We lived together, saw each other every single day, etc - now she's with someone else? My mind doesn't comprehend it.

 

It happens all the time. Even couples that have been held by the ultimate commitment of marriage for decades, through thick and thin, history, family, financials, sickness, children etc. have seen an ending to their relationship. Feelings change, people change, their needs, their wants -- it changes. It may have once fulfilled them but it doesn't anymore.

 

And it's not that she doesn't give a damn, she's just revolving her emotions around someone else. She's let go of what was and is moving on. It's not a unnatural concept to understand because as dumpees, we've all ended up here for nearly those same reasons. People move on, especially easy when the dumper has taken his/her time in slowly processing the decision to move on way before the actual ending happens. She probably had enough time to feel her hurt, come to terms with needing to end it, and finding the courage to actually end it, and at this very moment most has likely reached a point of indifference. She had time to process her feelings but you haven't because you weren't expecting it.

[Zahara]

I have had to message her to find out the details of when she picks her stuff up and she has said that she will call me later if it's OK - obviously, I do not want this as it will set me back. What shall I say?

 

There was no need to message her today. You should have done it on Saturday but I think you were itching to make contact so you used that as an excuse.

 

So now she wants to call you -- you say, "I just need you to provide me with a time as to when you will be here on Saturday so that I can have your things ready for pickup. Thanks."

[smellysocksuni]

There was no need to message her today. You should have done it on Saturday but I think you were itching to make contact so you used that as an excuse.

 

So now she wants to call you -- you say, "I just need you to provide me with a time as to when you will be here on Saturday so that I can have your things ready for pickup. Thanks."

 

I have a friend coming over who wanted to know what time they should be travelling to meet, so I was sort of getting pressured from my friend.

[Zahara]

I have a friend coming over who wanted to know what time they should be travelling to meet, so I was sort of getting pressured from my friend.

 

That's great you have friends coming to support you. I'm happy to hear that.

 

There is no need to have a conversation over the phone. She's being utterly ridicilous. Just state you need a time and don't tell her you are having friends meet her. She may stall and possibly piss on you again about how you're being immature, blah blah.

[smellysocksuni]

That's great you have friends coming to support you. I'm happy to hear that.

 

There is no need to have a conversation over the phone. She's being utterly ridicilous. Just state you need a time and don't tell her you are having friends meet her. She may stall and possibly piss on you again about how you're being immature, blah blah.

 

She doesn't know about the friend - I will let her in and then me and my friend will go for a coffee.

 

I thought that - I don't see the need to have a conversation over the phone, but I have tried not to analyse.

[Zahara]

She doesn't know about the friend - I will let her in and then me and my friend will go for a coffee.

 

I thought that - I don't see the need to have a conversation over the phone, but I have tried not to analyse.

 

I think you should let your friend let her in and you should not be present. He can wait inside and let her in. I'm going to caution you that the best thing is for you is not to be present but if you want to be, then it is up to you.

[smellysocksuni]

I think you should let your friend let her in and you should not be present. He can wait inside and let her in. I'm going to caution you that the best thing is for you is not to be present but if you want to be, then it is up to you.

 

OK. I will make that arrangement - I know she will sort of message me and have a go at me for it, but I will do it.

[Zahara]

OK. I will make that arrangement - I know she will sort of message me and have a go at me for it, but I will do it.

 

F*** her! Who cares what fits her freaking needs and desires. If she doesn't like it she can go boo hoo to her new boyfriend. She expects everyone to cater and appease her feelings.

 

This is the time you prioritize your feelings and do what helps you move on from this. She has no say. And stop being open to her communication. When will you block her?

[smellysocksuni]

F*** her! Who cares what fits her freaking needs and desires. If she doesn't like it she can go boo hoo to her new boyfriend. She expects everyone to cater and appease her feelings.

 

This is the time you prioritize your feelings and do what helps you move on from this. She has no say. And stop being open to her communication. When will you block her?

 

I will block her and have a new SIM card lined up for when she collects her stuff and goes.

 

What is this phone call about, though? Why the need to call?

[Zahara]

I will block her and have a new SIM card lined up for when she collects her stuff and goes.

 

What is this phone call about, though? Why the need to call?

 

 

Maybe she wants to berate you some more. Maybe she wants to get an ego boost to see if you're still pining for her. Maybe she wants attention. Maybe she still wants you to eat, breathe and live her or whatever nonsense. Maybe she wants to see if she still has a firm grip on that leash.

 

One thing I do know for sure is that it's not because she wants you back and even if she did, I hope you will pass. She sounds horrible, ugh...remember this:

 

1. I remember, early on in the relationship... she would be quite demanding and, if I didn't want to perform whatever it was that she wanted me to - there'd be some sort of... I don't know, tears, complaints, etc. Got to the point where I'd just have to do whatever it was to avoid a stink being kicked up.

 

2. Even little things, like if I wanted to watch a certain show... "No, you go and watch that in the bedroom".

 

3. She even said, "I want someone that will live, eat and breathe me" at one stage in our dating.

 

4. She'd talk about herself a lot, too. Her day, how she was, where she was going. If I tried to ever talk about me, her reply wpuld always be something like "OK", rather than an attempt at furthering the conversation.

 

5. She keeps saying how she supported me from start to finish and that I put her on an emotional rollercoaster, but the problem simply was that I wasn't submissive enough. I wanted her to clean up after herself, to do the laundry, but everytime I asked it was "I work all week, I want to relax and not have to do it" and I just spent most of my time cleaning up after her, scared to mention it for fear of being accused of being "nasty" or "mean", again.

 

6. And the relationship ended because I wasn't making her happy enough, I was making her miserable, I wasn't kind enough, I was selfish, I wasn't supportive enough. I tried my best but I just felt like she wanted me to live my life for her. I had no space to breathe or to think. I couldn't even read or eat what I wanted to as EVERYTHING was what she wanted. I couldn't even watch the news because it made her feel sad.

 

7. She had a weight problem and would overeat, to the point where she felt sick. If i said, oh you shouldn't have eaten that much, I wasn't being supportive, I was being mean. Nothing I did was good enough for her. If I ever expressed dislike for anything, she'd turn it around and I'd somehow end up apologising.

Edited February 5, 2015 by Zahara

[smellysocksuni]

Maybe she wants to berate you some more. Maybe she wants to get an ego boost to see if you're still pining for her. Maybe she wants attention. Maybe she still wants you to eat, breathe and live her or whatever nonsense. Maybe she wants to see if she still has a firm grip on that leash.

 

One thing I do know for sure is that it's not because she wants you back and even if she did, I hope you will pass. She sounds horrible, ugh...remember this:

 

1. I remember, early on in the relationship... she would be quite demanding and, if I didn't want to perform whatever it was that she wanted me to - there'd be some sort of... I don't know, tears, complaints, etc. Got to the point where I'd just have to do whatever it was to avoid a stink being kicked up.

 

2. Even little things, like if I wanted to watch a certain show... "No, you go and watch that in the bedroom".

 

3. She even said, "I want someone that will live, eat and breathe me" at one stage in our dating.

 

4. She'd talk about herself a lot, too. Her day, how she was, where she was going. If I tried to ever talk about me, her reply wpuld always be something like "OK", rather than an attempt at furthering the conversation.

 

5. She keeps saying how she supported me from start to finish and that I put her on an emotional rollercoaster, but the problem simply was that I wasn't submissive enough. I wanted her to clean up after herself, to do the laundry, but everytime I asked it was "I work all week, I want to relax and not have to do it" and I just spent most of my time cleaning up after her, scared to mention it for fear of being accused of being "nasty" or "mean", again.

 

6. And the relationship ended because I wasn't making her happy enough, I was making her miserable, I wasn't kind enough, I was selfish, I wasn't supportive enough. I tried my best but I just felt like she wanted me to live my life for her. I had no space to breathe or to think. I couldn't even read or eat what I wanted to as EVERYTHING was what she wanted. I couldn't even watch the news because it made her feel sad.

 

7. She had a weight problem and would overeat, to the point where she felt sick. If i said, oh you shouldn't have eaten that much, I wasn't being supportive, I was being mean. Nothing I did was good enough for her. If I ever expressed dislike for anything, she'd turn it around and I'd somehow end up apologising.

 

Lol, that list made me laugh. Crack up. I'd actually forgotten about all that.

 

Well I have just got off the phone to my aunt who has told me to pack all her stuff and to put it downstairs once I know she's on her way. I have now two people coming to support me, I feel so much better about it all. I didn't realise the extent to which these people cared for me.

[Kevin_D]

This thread is scary for me to read. I was in your shoes a year ago. Though we had been together for over six years, she pretty much did exactly what your ex did:

 

- She removed me Facebook. Yet she got angry if I didn't respond to her messages. In fact. She told me that she tried to handle this in an adult manner and that "I wouldn't get over her any faster by ignoring her". She also claimed that it was disrespectful to ignore her after over six year and added that she always has been honest with me (I guess she just forgot to mention that she left me for another guy ).

 

Oh, and of course, she got angry when she discovered that I had blocked her on Facebook. After that - according to my friends - all her pictures suddenly became available to the public. She must have hit a wrong button.

 

- She would occasionally write things like "Hey! How about a cup of coffee? When you feel better that is! :)" It was so humiliating.

 

- She told me what a terrible person I was and how much happier she was without me. She never apologized though.

 

It's so scary. It's like she was preparing for a sneak attack. She had another guy lined up, made tons of new friends, sold things so that she would have a lot of money... So when she pulled the plug, she immediately entered a relationship with my replacement. She had money so could afford partying and doing fancy stuff. And she could hang out with all her new friends who didn't know me and probably didn't even know how close we was.

 

It's like she was telling herself: "I'm beautiful and popular. I'm having a blast with my new boyfriend and my friends, while he sits at home sulking. I won, he lost. He should play by MY rules from now on."

 

Over a year has passed, but I'm still aching as hell. Because just like you, I can't comprehend how someone who seemed to care for me so deeply, suddenly turned into an evil monster. Wasn't it enough to break my heart? Why did she try so hard to keep torturing me even though I never bothered her?

 

Let me ask you something. Did your ex have a rough childhood?

[smellysocksuni]

This thread is scary for me to read. I was in your shoes a year ago. Though we had been together for over six years, she pretty much did exactly what your ex did:

 

- She removed me Facebook. Yet she got angry if I didn't respond to her messages. In fact. She told me that she tried to handle this in an adult manner and that "I wouldn't get over her any faster by ignoring her". She also claimed that it was disrespectful to ignore her after over six year and added that she always has been honest with me (I guess she just forgot to mention that she left me for another guy ).

 

Oh, and of course, she got angry when she discovered that I had blocked her on Facebook. After that - according to my friends - all her pictures suddenly became available to the public. She must have hit a wrong button.

 

- She would occasionally write things like "Hey! How about a cup of coffee? When you feel better that is! :)" It was so humiliating.

 

- She told me what a terrible person I was and how much happier she was without me. She never apologized though.

 

It's so scary. It's like she was preparing for a sneak attack. She had another guy lined up, made tons of new friends, sold things so that she would have a lot of money... So when she pulled the plug, she immediately entered a relationship with my replacement. She had money so could afford partying and doing fancy stuff. And she could hang out with all her new friends who didn't know me and probably didn't even know how close we was.

 

It's like she was telling herself: "I'm beautiful and popular. I'm having a blast with my new boyfriend and my friends, while he sits at home sulking. I won, he lost. He should play by MY rules from now on."

 

Over a year has passed, but I'm still aching as hell. Because just like you, I can't comprehend how someone who seemed to care for me so deeply, suddenly turned into an evil monster. Wasn't it enough to break my heart? Why did she try so hard to keep torturing me even though I never bothered her?

 

Let me ask you something. Did your ex have a rough childhood?

 

My goodness. I'm sorry you had to go through all that.

 

Why did she say you were a terrible person? Sounds JUST like what I've been through. Saying things like "I've realised my worth", etc - damn.

 

Yes, she did. She had a good upbringing but there were some issues around her dad, he was violent and used to smash things up in front of her and her mum.

[Kevin_D]

Why did she say you were a terrible person? Sounds JUST like what I've been through. Saying things like "I've realised my worth", etc - damn.

 

Haha, she said things like "I think I can do better". She had thought about things I had said on our first date over six years ago, such as that I had mentioned that I would be uncomfortable with having a girlfriend who worked in a nightclub. It seemed like such a weird thing to bring up, since neither of us even enjoyed clubbing.

 

Her main reason though, was that I got irritated when she wanted to unplug my removable harddrive to charge the remote control for her headphones. I had said something like "I'm working right now, can't you just plug it in phone directly?.

 

I realise now, over a year later, that this is isn't normal.

 

Yes, she did. She had a good upbringing but there were some issues around her dad, he was violent and used to smash things up in front of her and her mum.

 

I thought so. In my experience, this is often the case with manipulative people. In her case, she probably developed tactics to avoid upsetting her father. Lying, denying, playing the victim... The battle was won when his anger turned into guilt. I'd say she's using the same tactics against you.

 

My ex had a bipolar mother. She could buy an expensive toy to my ex one day and destroy it the next. As a child, if you know that your mother is going to ruin you brand new toy if you tell the truth... you lie, you play the victim, you blame your sister instead... anything to confuse your mother. And as you grow older. it becomes a part of who you are. It's so sad.

[smellysocksuni]

Haha, she said things like "I think I can do better". She had thought about things I had said on our first date over six years ago, such as that I had mentioned that I would be uncomfortable with having a girlfriend who worked in a nightclub. It seemed like such a weird thing to bring up, since neither of us even enjoyed clubbing.

 

Her main reason though, was that I got irritated when she wanted to unplug my removable harddrive to charge the remote control for her headphones. I had said something like "I'm working right now, can't you just plug it in phone directly?.

I realise now, over a year later, that this is isn't normal.

 

 

 

I thought so. In my experience, this is often the case with manipulative people. In her case, she probably developed tactics to avoid upsetting her father. Lying, denying, playing the victim... The battle was won when his anger turned into guilt. I'd say she's using the same tactics against you.

 

My ex had a bipolar mother. She could buy an expensive toy to my ex one day and destroy it the next. As a child, if you know that your mother is going to ruin you brand new toy if you tell the truth... you lie, you play the victim, you blame your sister instead... anything to confuse your mother. And as you grow older. it becomes a part of who you are. It's so sad.

 

 

She used to do a lot of things - she would use my expensive calligraphy pens to write shopping lists. Leave cups in the bathroom for days on end. Never clean the bathroom out. Never mop or hoover. Never wanted to help with dishes. Would sit on her phone all night, browsing Instagram instead of emptying a bin that might be overflowing. Would expect me to do it all despite the fact that I have been studying and need to study quite a lot.

 

Once, she asked for some of my drink - I said "Oh, OK - I haven't got much left, though".... apparently, I was being a cnut.

 

If I ever dared to say "look, I'm not happy about that" - there'd be an argument, because I was being "mean" and I'd end up apologising. For what, I don't know.

 

And now she's gone off and is treating me like someone she doesn't even know. Despite the fact that she ran off and began talking to other people before she'd even seen me in the flesh to break things off. I should not even be still talking to her. I am absolutely fuming, right now.

 

I am shocked to read your examples. Kevin. I genuinely thought I was some sort of mean partner but it seems that these people do exist. And the thing about the parents, wow. Clearly it stems from that.

Edited February 6, 2015 by smellysocksuni

[sober and dry]

smellysocksuni that was no way to go man...

[smellysocksuni]

smellysocksuni that was no way to go man...

 

What do you mean?

[sober and dry]

All you talk about her in that post is just unbearable to me and I bet to a lot of people... I couldn't stand it!

[smellysocksuni]

All you talk about her in that post is just unbearable to me and I bet to a lot of people... I couldn't stand it!

 

I thought as much. She really made me feel like I was being horrible to her :/ I believed it, too.

[sober and dry]

Believe when I say I also put up with what I now think was a lot, personally. You know what, now we can know what we will not put up with again.

We almost made it;But making it is overrated

[Kevin_D]

If I ever dared to say "look, I'm not happy about that" - there'd be an argument, because I was being "mean" and I'd end up apologising. For what, I don't know.

 

YES! Classic! That's exactly what happened when I asked about her new "friend" (they obviously got to know each other before she broke up with me). She was incredibly jealous herself, so I didn't think it was strange to ask her why it always took - literally - 30 seconds before she commented on the dudes Facebook statuses. And why she "liked" half of his profile pictures. I mean, she had never mentioned this "old friend" before...

 

So what happened? Well, you guessed it! She became angry, and after a minor fight, she said something like:

 

"It's okay, I forgive you, but your extreme jealousy is really tiresome. And I find it insulting that you obviously don't trust me after all these years. You really need to work on yourself."

 

Being a nice guy, I felt terrible. How could I be so stupid? How could I accuse her of flirting with somebody else? After all she had done for me!

 

I am shocked to read your examples. Kevin. I genuinely thought I was some sort of mean partner but it seems that these people do exist. And the thing about the parents, wow. Clearly it stems from that.

 

When these girls find the replacement, they often have this "three strikes - your out!" mentality. An somewhat nice girl would say something like:

 

"I'm so sorry, but I have fallen for somebody else. I feel terrible and don't want to lie to you."

 

However, this would make her look like a bad person...! Falling for somebody else behind your back! What a slut! Nooo... She wants everybody - including you - to see that SHE was the one who was trying to salvage the relationship, but after putting up with your crap for so long, she finally had to make a mature decision and end it.

 

You can bet your ass that she's been telling her friends something like this:

 

"I tried so hard to make it work, but he never listened to. I was so exhausted, I just couldn't take it anymore! He made me lose all hope, he made believe that all guys are like this. But then Mr. X showed up and for the first time in a long time, I felt really appreciated. And I instantly realised how bad my last relationship actually was and that it's time that I do things that make me happy".

 

Add a bunch of tears to mixture and voila, everybody is convinced that she actually made a good decision. And that you really are a bad person.

[BC1980]

Lol, that list made me laugh. Crack up. I'd actually forgotten about all that.

 

Keep the list. Make a list of all of the horrible things she did. I had to do that with my ex, and I promise you that he did some awful things. Downright cruel and nasty. So I made a list, and, anytime that I felt sentimental or started to blame myself, anytime I tried to justify his behavior or wish for a second chance, I would read that list. It knocked sense into me and helped me see him in an objective way. I still read through that list at times, and I'm reminded why I'm glad to be free of him.

 

My ex also had a way of making me feel at fault. He was a master manipulator. He had me so broken that I completely blamed myself for the breakup, and I tried to change to win him back. I laugh now when I think about that.

[smellysocksuni]

YES! Classic! That's exactly what happened when I asked about her new "friend" (they obviously got to know each other before she broke up with me). She was incredibly jealous herself, so I didn't think it was strange to ask her why it always took - literally - 30 seconds before she commented on the dudes Facebook statuses. And why she "liked" half of his profile pictures. I mean, she had never mentioned this "old friend" before...

 

So what happened? Well, you guessed it! She became angry, and after a minor fight, she said something like:

 

"It's okay, I forgive you, but your extreme jealousy is really tiresome. And I find it insulting that you obviously don't trust me after all these years. You really need to work on yourself."

 

Being a nice guy, I felt terrible. How could I be so stupid? How could I accuse her of flirting with somebody else? After all she had done for me!

 

 

 

When these girls find the replacement, they often have this "three strikes - your out!" mentality. An somewhat nice girl would say something like:

 

"I'm so sorry, but I have fallen for somebody else. I feel terrible and don't want to lie to you."

 

However, this would make her look like a bad person...! Falling for somebody else behind your back! What a slut! Nooo... She wants everybody - including you - to see that SHE was the one who was trying to salvage the relationship, but after putting up with your crap for so long, she finally had to make a mature decision and end it.

 

You can bet your ass that she's been telling her friends something like this:

 

"I tried so hard to make it work, but he never listened to. I was so exhausted, I just couldn't take it anymore! He made me lose all hope, he made believe that all guys are like this. But then Mr. X showed up and for the first time in a long time, I felt really appreciated. And I instantly realised how bad my last relationship actually was and that it's time that I do things that make me happy".

 

Add a bunch of tears to mixture and voila, everybody is convinced that she actually made a good decision. And that you really are a bad person.

 

Wow, I feel like you're writing about her! Not only did she tell her friends that, she made me believe it for a short while. I no longer believe it but I am fuming and want to really lay into her. I won't, but I really want to. She wants everyone to think she's nice but she's terribly fake. Wow.

[Kevin_D]

Wow, I feel like you're writing about her! Not only did she tell her friends that, she made me believe it for a short while. I no longer believe it but I am fuming and want to really lay into her. I won't, but I really want to. She wants everyone to think she's nice but she's terribly fake. Wow.

 

This was posted in another topic a while ago. I found it very helpful:

 

The Manic Defense | Minnick's Klein Academy

 

“Control” aims to obliterate any awareness of separateness because the object does whatever you wish so you can deny that it has a mind and life of its own. It also diminishes envy and jealousy because effectively you have all the benefits of the object’s capacities and attention available to your every whim. It is the least guilt producing because it is easy to deny that the object may have needs of its own that are being thwarted. After all, mom’s were only put on earth to serve the baby, or at least the baby’s party line.

 

“Contempt” is more aimed at guilt about how you treat the object. If the object is spoiled, made less than human, etc. then it is “good riddance to bad rubbish”, you need not feel badly for hurting what was once your good object.

 

“Triumph” is an extension of contempt, but especially when envious hatred of the good object’s qualities is added to the desire to evade guilt, risk of loss, and dependence. Then one is not just satisfied to spoil the object, but the desire to triumphantly reverse the situation of who is small, and who is big and controls all the wealth.