Why did I choose to fall for a married man..

[Intoodeep19]

This is my first time posting and looking for a supportive forum. So any advice would be great. I've been seeing my married man since September 2014.. Keep I'm mind I am 27 he's 45. We met at work but he's not always in the office. It started when he tried to set me up with someone that's my age. That went up in flames so we started talking and here we are. We spent last night together now he's back home 1.5 hrs away with his wife and he does not text me at home... Only if she's gone or sleeping. I was stupid and broke down this morning before we parted and said it hurts when you leave all I want is you. He said he wishes things could be different but he just can't leave her even though his feelings for me are similar to those he has for her I was told last night. It hurts when I send a message and don't see a reply and see him online on Facebook. When were together it's amazing and not just about intercourse. I've never related to someone like this before and I know he's my soulmate. Thing is I know our true soulmate isn't always the one we spend our lives with. The other night I sent him a text he thought I meant for another man which I didn't and he was upset. How can he be if he's doing what he's doing and sleeps in bed with his wife? Keep in mind he drives a truck for a living ( and no not all truckers are dirty lol ) and this is obviously why he started talking to me he's barely home. Now I am thinking how can I find someone who really wants me if I am so focused on him??? Please help:( I'm feeling very sad and lonely and am sick of it..

[anabel32]

You are sooo young, please don't waste your time. I wasted 2 years in my relationship with MM who never said he will leave his spouse.

First of all, he is NOT going to leave his wife for you- he already told you so. SO now staying in this relationship you agree that you will settle only for crumbs that he will throw you from time to time. Staying you are showing him how much you value yourself as women who deserves something better, and what you are showing him is not good.

Second of all- he has already been blaming you for something you haven't done- acussing you of being in touch with another men. This is a HUGE red flag. He doesn't trust you- why? Because he doesn't trust himself. We always look at people and judge them through pryzmat of who we are ourselfs. This is just the beginning I can sense of reasons to put you down and destroy your self esteem. But he is not doing it... you will do it to yourself if you decide to stay. We all have to take responsibility for our decisions so please make a right choice here before it is too late.

How long have you been seeing him now? 4 months , please get away. You will meet someone right for you. Value yourself. You deserve better.

Please don't waste your time.

Edited January 17, 2015 by anabel32

[Popsicle]

Mine was jealous and afraid that I'd get with another man too. I guess it's just a normal feeling that they have when you're a single and free woman.

[Missinghim17]

Its incredible how much you sound like me. I truly hate to tell you this cause I know you don't want to hear it. I was so in love with my MM that I thought we were soulmates too. Mine also told me he would never leave his wife and that the feelings he had for me and his wife are on the same level. Although I kept telling myself, he will leave her eventually, it never happened. I tried to hold on with every fiber of my being, but he never left and in fact, he is the one who ended us 2 years ago once and for all. I still think that sometimes we are meant for each other, but this is going to end with you being really hurt...just like I'm really hurt now. He will never leave her no matter what he tells you about caring about you just as much as he does for her. One day it will be over and he will be moving on with his wife and you will be in a lot of pain. If you can, end it now before more time goes on. it seems like you may be considering doing so. I still have not gotten over my situation even tho its been No contact almost 2 years. Affairs really can traumatize you. The hard part is believing that your MM is so perfect, you'll never find someone else like him. I still haven't, but the only thing you can do is try and keep telling yourself someone better will come along one day who will treat you right and make you his priority.

[Popsicle]

Have you told him that you talk to other men? I'm just wondering why he thought the text was meant for someone else.

[anabel32]

Mine was jealous and afraid that I'd get with another man too. I guess it's just a normal feeling that they have when you're a single and free woman.

 

It is true and I agree but she said he got upset as he thought it meant to be sent to another men. He may feel insecure? yes, he may but making assumptions and getting upset rather then asking question and talking about it first, before getting upset, is a totally different thing. I see it as a huge red flag.

[Intoodeep19]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. Seems like we can all agree and have had the same issue.

 

No I wasn't texting other men. I only want him. When he's not home we talk every day all day. We've actually talked every day since September not even missing one. He would send a quick hi when home. Why he reacted how he did to the next he didn't think was for him but was I have no idea. He wants to have his cake and eat it too apparently.

 

It is 846 pm my time. We spoke last around 1130 am. Makes me sick to know he is with his wife and I've been crying for the last hour and smoking cigarette after cigarette!!!!! Knowing he's seen a message I sent and doesn't care enough to reply. He always tells me I'm the best most awesome person and the best sex etc etc. seems like he isn't satisfied sexually from her.. She won't do certain things I guess.

 

I asked him how he handled both women and he said he's not sure. When he's with her he doesn't text me and when he's with me he shuts his phone off. He seems to have it pretty good. When I asked him to come down Sunday night where he has to come to city for work Monday which he has done before he laughed and said he needs sleep. He will walk into my office and get his load dispatch first thing Monday morning.......... Will not be easy to see him after feeling like this and being turned down for the first time by him.

[whichwayisup]

He is very able to separate and shelf you two. When he's at home, his very much with his wife and family, he's focused on them. When he's with you, he's focused on you. He can easily do this by being a skilled liar and 'actor' so to speak. I bet his wife has absolutely no idea he's having an affair and she'd be shell shocked if she found out the truth.

 

Makes me sick to know he is with his wife and I've been crying for the last hour and smoking cigarette after cigarette!!!!!

 

This is what you signed up for by having an affair with a MM. You knew he was married from the beginning so if you want to continue on with him, accept that is living life with his wife, doing family outings etc. Accept that there will be many times you want to see or speak to him and you can't. Accept that you're not number one in his life and embrace your role as his OW. Don't rely on him to be your everything. Get busy living your life, spend time with friends and family, do fun hobbies, make "you" time by going to the spa and being good to yourself. Learn to cope with this better, because crying and smoking your brains out isn't living. It's wasting you away into someone I'm sure you don't want to be.

 

When was the last time you can say you were FULLY happy? How long did that last before you were in tears again?

 

Another option is, end it. This man is twice your age, been around the block a few more times than you, has a wife, probably kids too (?) and isn't leaving or getting a divorce. You're getting cloes to 30 and I assume you want a family of your own one day, someone you can build a life with, someone who will be there for you always, not just stolen moments. IF you want all that, you need to end your affair, otherwise you'll be 35 and still in an A with a MM who clearly is only ini it all for just an affair.

 

I wish you strength to accept the reality of your situation.

[GoldieLox]

He always tells me I'm the best most awesome person and the best sex etc etc. seems like he isn't satisfied sexually from her.. She won't do certain things I guess.

 

 

Please read this... then re-read it and let it sink in for a few moments. I'm not saying this man may not have some true genuine feelings for you, but there is also a sexual component to this. He's not being satisfied by his wife. That's where you come in.

 

Don't you think you deserve a bit better? Someone who will always answer your messages? Someone who will be there for you emotionally? Who doesn't have to juggle two women?

[Intoodeep19]

Thank you goldielox and whichwayisup. Thank you for being straightforward and honest with me and pin pointing stuff being in love might blind me by. You are both right and I'm spending the evening alone dissecting how last night went with him how I feltsnd how for the first time he was anxious to get home. It killed me enough to realize it isn't how I want to be treated. Last night was different felt different with him he said because his feelings were rising more and more and I could tell something was on his mind. Probably her. And him saying he didn't want to come Sunday night was a clear indication. So if I take my blinders off with the help of you ladies, reality is becoming more clear

[Popsicle]

My xMM used to bring up me and other men all the time. I never so much as spoke a word about other men. I found it strange. He was just paranoid because he knew he could not give me what I wanted when another man could. He feared that.

Edited January 18, 2015 by Popsicle

[Intoodeep19]

Good thing I am starting in a new office in 2 weeks lol..

[Intoodeep19]

Popsicle you are right. I never saw him freak like that. He said I don't even know why I care. Ouch. But I know he was mad. He even asked to see my phone this morning half joking half serious to see if men had msged me during the night lol. I find this amusing where he is with his wife at the moment at a friends place then going home to the same bed together and ignoring my msg. Funny?!?!

[whichwayisup]

Thank you goldielox and whichwayisup. Thank you for being straightforward and honest with me and pin pointing stuff being in love might blind me by. You are both right and I'm spending the evening alone dissecting how last night went with him how I feltsnd how for the first time he was anxious to get home. It killed me enough to realize it isn't how I want to be treated. Last night was different felt different with him he said because his feelings were rising more and more and I could tell something was on his mind. Probably her. And him saying he didn't want to come Sunday night was a clear indication. So if I take my blinders off with the help of you ladies, reality is becoming more clear

 

You're welcome.

 

You've had this affair since this past September, not even close to a year yet, so really think about ending it. Even if it kills and hurts your heart like heck, take a break and think what it is you actually want..And what you deserve. Are you able to show him off and introduce him to your friends and family? Probably not. I'm sure you'd love to have a boyfriend you can spend holidays with, where he can be around your loved ones.

 

You're too young and have a whole life to live! The age thing isn't a big issue, who cares about that, but the fact he is married and has no intention of divorcing and starting over with you IS the issue. HE is in this for an affair only, even if he has fallen for you, that doesn't change the fact he is staying married.

 

Take time for you, find a trusted woman friend (or friends) that you can open up to and ask what they honestly think you should do, even if it hurts to hear. And keep posting here, I hope you can end this because you're in a for a lot more hurt and pain if you continue on.

[jellybean89]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. Seems like we can all agree and have had the same issue.

 

No I wasn't texting other men. I only want him. When he's not home we talk every day all day. We've actually talked every day since September not even missing one. He would send a quick hi when home. Why he reacted how he did to the next he didn't think was for him but was I have no idea. He wants to have his cake and eat it too apparently.

 

It is 846 pm my time. We spoke last around 1130 am. Makes me sick to know he is with his wife and I've been crying for the last hour and smoking cigarette after cigarette!!!!! Knowing he's seen a message I sent and doesn't care enough to reply. He always tells me I'm the best most awesome person and the best sex etc etc. seems like he isn't satisfied sexually from her.. She won't do certain things I guess.

 

I asked him how he handled both women and he said he's not sure. When he's with her he doesn't text me and when he's with me he shuts his phone off. He seems to have it pretty good. When I asked him to come down Sunday night where he has to come to city for work Monday which he has done before he laughed and said he needs sleep. He will walk into my office and get his load dispatch first thing Monday morning.......... Will not be easy to see him after feeling like this and being turned down for the first time by him.

 

You have no idea what his sex life is with his wife. You only know what a known liar tells you. Do you really think he would tell you that she is the best lover he ever had? Do you think he would tell you how easily he gets hard just by looking at her? OF COURSE NOT; that would end the fantasy you have of him.

 

He isn't in love with you. He doesn't respect you (nor his wife). He isn't your soul mate. For whatever reason, you have chosen to attach yourself to a married man, who probably has cheated before. You made yourself 'easy' -- you accept crumbs and accept him coming over, having sex and then leaving. Sex will NOT make a man love you. Sex will NOT make him leave his wife.

 

You have been in an affair for 3 months or so. How much longer are you going to allow yourself to be used like this? How much more 'rejection' are you going to endure? Don't you feel rejected every time he leaves your bed and goes home to his wife? Don't you feel rejected every time he ignores messages from you? Do you really think when he is with his wife he is going to spend hours texting you? And if you consider getting a text "daily communication", I feel sorry for you cause that is not communication. Anyone can take their phone into the bathroom and send a text. Takes all of 2 seconds. Since he is not handcuffed to his wife, he has plenty of opportunities to contact you but he doesn't. She showers, she goes to the bathroom, she goes to the store, she goes to run errands, she does housekeeping chores...yet he can't find time to send a 2 second text? Why do YOU allow yourself to accept all this? NO MAN is worth this.

 

He knows he can ignore you, not contact you and disrespect you and you will welcome him with open arms when he comes by to have sex. Tell him no more sex and see how often he comes around or contacts you.

 

Demand more for yourself. Take back your dignity and self respect. Stop handing some married dude your heart when he doesn't deserve it. He isn't going to leave his wife and start a new life with you. Wake up and realize what is going on and stop wasting your life with someone who is married to another person. Love yourself.

[whichwayisup]

Popsicle you are right. I never saw him freak like that. He said I don't even know why I care. Ouch. But I know he was mad. He even asked to see my phone this morning half joking half serious to see if men had msged me during the night lol. I find this amusing where he is with his wife at the moment at a friends place then going home to the same bed together and ignoring my msg. Funny?!?!

 

One word. EGO.

 

This was his ego hurting. He loves that you have puppy dog eyes for him and are so into him. He knows exactly how you feel and has taken advantage of it too. How easy it is for him to turn it off and go home, put you out of his head yet you can't turn it off and cry about him... He ain't crying over you at all, his big fat head (EGO) doesn't want you paying attention to any other guy, only him. He couldn't care less that you hurt every time he goes home to his wife.

 

I'll add, he's not doing this maliciously or being calculated. He's just extremely selfish and it's all about him..Always.

[Popsicle]

Popsicle you are right. I never saw him freak like that. He said I don't even know why I care. Ouch. But I know he was mad. He even asked to see my phone this morning half joking half serious to see if men had msged me during the night lol. I find this amusing where he is with his wife at the moment at a friends place then going home to the same bed together and ignoring my msg. Funny?!?!

 

It is amusing.

[Intoodeep19]

Wow thank you both. Harsh realty to face I appreciate the honest. The more I read it from you all the more I believe it and tune into reality! I half expect him to end it tomorrow or Monday where things were awkward and he was acting strange and ignored me all day.. Will soon see

[Intoodeep19]

Funny!! Thanks ladies. Funny he told me years ago he had something similar with another woman but it didn't last long and he couldn't get hArd to have sex with her so it ended. Happened to is at first too... I'm shocked he told me that!!!! He's been with his wife 22 years And no kids..

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Wow thank you both. Harsh realty to face I appreciate the honest. The more I read it from you all the more I believe it and tune into reality! I half expect him to end it tomorrow or Monday where things were awkward and he was acting strange and ignored me all day.. Will soon see

 

 

Why wait for him to end it? Why allow him to dictate the course of your life? This is a relatively new affair, the longer you stay the harder you fall and the deeper you dig the hole you're standing in. Setting aside the fact that he's married, he's not even a decent boyfriend. He ignores you, doesn't prioritize your wants or needs, is accusatory and holds you to standards he doesn't even hold himself to. Would you accept that treatment from a "single" guy? Probably not.

 

ETA: This isn't even his first affair? Ick. Get as far away from him as your legs can carry you.

[bathtub-row]

My xMM once said to me: "You're with me because I'm safe."

 

It took awhile for me to fully understand the wisdom of his words because I was so deluded about him and about us at the time (which encompassed years). I kept saying that there was nothing safe about being with him, that I was with him because we were soul mates, blah, blah, blah.

 

If I really examine his words, I have to say that after several bad relationships, subconsciously I would've found MM safe because he wouldn't be in my life all the time. No matter how much it hurt, he would consistently go away and I would have my space. And no matter how much I kidded myself, I knew that the chances of him actually leaving his marriage for me were very slim.

 

So, you see? I was with him because he was safe. You're most likely with your MM for the same reason. Deep down, that's probably the reason. There is absolutely no other reason in this world for you to be wasting your precious youth on a losing relationship, and a man who is far too old for you. I don't care if he was molded especially for you by God himself, this man is not right for you just because he's married. Show some self-love and disentangle yourself from this situation. For him to compare his feelings for his wife to you is an extremely bad sign. Most men who are cheating on their wives feel very little love for them at the time. That could change but they are typically extremely angry, on some level, at their wives and feelings of love are often not on their radar.

 

I hope you don't turn around 5 or 10 years from now and find yourself still with this guy. At least give yourself an end-date. It may seem ridiculous to you now, but it's quite easy to let those years slip by and you will turn around someday and realize that you have nothing to show for it -- no children, no home, no life. This will not be a good place for you and you will suddenly come to despise a man who took so much away from you. Because, as you get older, you will come to fully understand just how rotten he is for knowingly doing this to you. Then you'll want to stomp his face in the dirt -- and "soul mate" suddenly becomes "sole mate".

Edited January 18, 2015 by bathtub-row

[GirlStillStrong]

^^^ What JellyBean said.

 

You are caught up in your feelings for this guy, which are fueled by sex with him. You will not be able to see clearly until you come down from this chemical high. The only way to do so is to stop having sex with him. Regain control of your brain by getting control of your body (your sex) back. OWN your sexuality. To do this, you need to learn its strength.

 

You do not see or understand who this guy really is, or what he is actually doing, because you are so caught up in your feelings, hopes, and dreams. Understand that what you imagine a relationship with him will be like is not realistic. He will do to you what he does to his current wife, cheat on you.

 

You need to be with someone your own age. This guy is too old for you. He is exploiting you and the vulnerabilities you currently have because of your youth.

 

"You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce." You are teaching some 45 yr old guy that it's okay to use you and use your body for his own gratification, without regard to your own well-being, your own mental health, and your own needs. As long as you allow a man to take advantage, a man will. He is not going to grow morals and all of a sudden do the right thing. You have to REQUIRE men to do the right thing. Are you going to continue to sit there and cry that some guy is hurting you? Or are you going to pull on your big girl panties, quit attaching your self-worth to some crusty old trucker, and take control of your life back?

[anabel32]

Wow thank you both. Harsh realty to face I appreciate the honest. The more I read it from you all the more I believe it and tune into reality! I half expect him to end it tomorrow or Monday where things were awkward and he was acting strange and ignored me all day.. Will soon see

 

He is already blowing cold... there may be different reasons for it- he feels guilty and uncomfortable having this relationship with you, or he doesn't know what he wants... either way whaterver it is he is NOT comfortable carrying on this relationship with you, he is not confident about it, therefore he withdraws. why do you want to give him the power and wait for how things will go? DOes it make you feel comfortable not knowing what is going on inside his mind? Don't you deserve a relationship that will make you feel at ease and make you happy, rather then miserable, unsecure and depressed? Take your power back and tell him that these blows of hot and cold, the insecurity, the feeling that you are not what he is sure about that he wants makes you feel unhappy and that you don't want to be in such relationship, ragardless of the feelings for him. Value yourself. Don't settle down for less then what you deserve. Quit before you loose yourself in this all.

[anabel32]

My xMM once said to me: "You're with me because I'm safe."

 

It took awhile for me to fully understand the wisdom of his words because I was so deluded about him and about us at the time (which encompassed years). I kept saying that there was nothing safe about being with him, that I was with him because we were soul mates, blah, blah, blah.

 

If I really examine his words, I have to say that after several bad relationships, subconsciously I would've found MM safe because he wouldn't be in my life all the time. No matter how much it hurt, he would consistently go away and I would have my space. And no matter how much I kidded myself, I knew that the chances of him actually leaving his marriage for me were very slim.

 

So, you see? I was with him because he was safe. You're most likely with your MM for the same reason. Deep down, that's probably the reason. There is absolutely no other reason in this world for you to be wasting your precious youth on a losing relationship, and a man who is far too old for you.

 

This is great... I would like to add more comments on this if you don't mind. Not sure if this is what you meant but I read a lot about emotionally unavailable men- guys that won't commit to real relationship with you for many reasons- such as for example as in this case- they are already married. But the important bit is- why are we attracted to them??? Beacuse we are fooling ourselfs that we are in love or deep connection to them, but in reality we are ourself unavailable emotionally and we feel COMFORTABLE on subconcious level to date them, as we get our space and we don't need to open up to true and loving relationship, that we kid ourselfs on concious level that we so really want. SO why would you do this to yourself? Because again on subconcious level some of us (I am not generalising things here for everyone) we have such a low esteem that we do not believe we can create real and loving, full time relationship with decent guys. So we feel comfortable in affairs or sticking to abusive relationships as this is what validates our believe deep inside of who we think we are. These relationships are a mirror of our own inner insecure self. Again- this is not for everyone, but this has been my case. You are still young and may find it not applicable to you at all, but... you can think to yourself of any of your past relationships and see if there is a pattern? Have you been in relationships that guys couldn't fully commit to you? Or if they were willing to, you would run away from them as it triggered you to open up the true emotional intimacy that you want to avoid opening up so much? Think about it...

[bathtub-row]

This is great... I would like to add more comments on this if you don't mind...

 

Very good points, and I think that's exactly what I was saying. The only one I vascillate back and forth about is the low self-esteem thing. I can't decide about that one. I think mostly, at least for me, it's more about trust and fear, and a long-standing resistance to commitment in general. I was never one of those little girls who dreamed about her wedding day. And even though my parents had a very happy marriage, I always wondered why my dad was able to go off and have adventures (work), while my mom stayed home with kids. I saw the role of a wife like it was a prison sentence because, at that time, I didn't know I had choices.

 

Also, after some bad relationships, I stopped trusting. And I have a fear of being in a position where I will have to leave again; not ever wanting to go through the agony of divorce or breaking up again. But I know myself and I know that I will not stay in a bad marriage. I was always the one to initiate the demise of a relationship but people don't realize that just because you're the one who made the choice, it's still painful. I felt driven to leave. Then again, did I pick the wrong guy on purpose?

 

Yes, self-esteem definitely played into my choices but I don't think it was the biggest factor. I think everyone has to understand that no matter what story we tell ourselves, our actions and choices speak volumes. Even if you say that you thought so-and-so was a good choice, I'll bet you can look back and find that your instincts were screaming at you not to go through with it.

 

OP, you know on some real level that what you're doing is so wrong for yourself, and it's highly destructive to your future. I know you want to hear us tell you to continue down this path, but most people (who have been there) won't.

 

And if he has had more than one affair, I'll just tell you that this guy is a serial cheater and he'll cheat on you if you end up with him. I get it that a guy can be in a miserable marriage and then fall in love with someone else out of the blue. It happens. But this guy is different. He looks for chances to cheat. There actually are few serial cheaters out there but I think you just found one. And the fact that he says he loves his wife - again, big, fat red flag. He probably says this to everyone he has ever had an affair with. It's a warning to you that he's not leaving his marriage. It's also a warning that he doesn't understand love or commitment. He's way older than you and, I know you don't see it now, but he knows exactly how to con you.

 

I know you must feel vibrant and young with him. He must relish your youth and probably tells you that. But your youth is working against you in this case because it isn't going to convince him to leave his marrige. And don't think that if his wife finds out that she'll kick him out. It usually doesn't work that way. The web of marriage is very tangled. And the things that a man will do to get sex is something that women continually underestimate.

Edited January 18, 2015 by bathtub-row