At what point do people fall in love?

[CrystalCastles]

I ask because I've never fallen in love before. I've been in a relationship with a guy for 7 months and I'm not in love with him. He's not in love with me either. I'm not sure if that's something to be concerned about. The excitement from the beginning of the relationship isn't there anymore and I feel like the relationship has stagnated or become regular or something. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to deal with this, I'm not sure if this is normal and I'm not sure if love is supposed to happen at some point or if this relationship isn't right for me.

 

Any thoughts?

[dichotomy]

After the initial chemical/sexual/romantic "feelings of love" simmer down, that is the point you can tell if your really in love, because love is not a feeling.

[Els]

I ask because I've never fallen in love before. I've been in a relationship with a guy for 7 months and I'm not in love with him. He's not in love with me either. I'm not sure if that's something to be concerned about. The excitement from the beginning of the relationship isn't there anymore and I feel like the relationship has stagnated or become regular or something. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to deal with this, I'm not sure if this is normal and I'm not sure if love is supposed to happen at some point or if this relationship isn't right for me.

 

I do agree with dichotomy that real love is not just about feelings, but it seems to me that you ARE asking about the feelings. So, going with that...

 

Crystal, I'm confused about what the situation is. You say 'you've never fallen in love before' but then you say 'the excitement from the beginning of the R isn't there anymore'. So did you feel like you 'fell in love' at the beginning, or not?

 

Anyway, uh... for me the feelings tend to develop over the first couple of months, and stay at a giddy high throughout the honeymoon period, probably the first 6 months to 1-2 years. After that, the honeymoon period simmers down and that tends to be the make-or-break point, where the rose-tinted glasses come off and you see the person for who they really are, and that is the true test of compatibility.

 

I would say the feelings still remain after that period, though, just at a slow boil rather than 'fireworks all night'. I would also say that when you HAVE 'fallen in love', you will know it. There's no mistaking it.

 

Why do you think you're 'not in love with him' and vice versa?

[CrystalCastles]

Honestly I'm not sure. I'm so conflicted at the moment and I don't know where my head is. What we had at the beginning of our relationship felt like love. I feel like our relationship has become a routine. I feel like I've become annoyed at him for literally what feels like every detail, most of it is insignificant. We fight more often than we used to, and when I'm unhappy with him, which feels like often, I resort to passive-aggressive jabs at him and I hate that I've become that person.

 

I've also developed a small crush on another guy I know. I have maybe some hunch that he likes me too. I hate that too. I feel so evil and deceitful for it. I've been having these anxiety attacks because I'm hiding this information from my boyfriend. I'm hiding it because I don't even know what my issue is with this other guy. I'm not even sure if there's anything there from my side and I'm hoping I'll snap out of it.

 

I'm not sure why I'm not in love with him. I am not sure why he's not in love with me. I like him, and I know he likes me. But we're not in love. I don't think this other guy is the problem, that's why I'm so uncertain. I feel like I'm just weak and vulnerable and its easy to like other guys when I'm so uncertain about my guy. I feel like I don't really appreciate him anymore and I don't understand why.

 

He's a really nice person and we want the same things out of life. But I feel like he's become boring. We don't have much to talk about anymore. I talk a lot when we hang out because if I don't, there will be silence the whole time. I asked him how come he's quiet. And he said he just doesn't have anything to say. I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure why I'm not in love when there was so much love at the beginning. I want to fix my relationship and get rid of my crush for this other guy and set us back on the right track. I feel like I won't find another guy as good as this one and I feel like my reasons are stupid and aren't reason for me to break it off with him.

[krooton25]

you have strong feelings for that person you cannot go a day without thinking of him/her. you care for that person.

 

sure sign: your eyes sparkle when you r with him. you think he is the most good-looking person in the world even if he isn't! haha

 

Sometimes, you just KNOW

 

how could u be in a relationship for 7 months without even loving the person

[Danda]

I think love is something that starts out very tiny and just keeps growing over time. But it's not really a matter of entertaining or exciting, I don't think. You can add entertainment and excitement to a relationship, though, if both partners are down for it.

 

However I think how boring or not he is to you lately is irrelevant to the topic at hand. If you haven't been feeling increasingly closer to him over time, then that probably means you two had a fantastic honeymoon/infatuation phase and now it's over. So now he's just going to irritate you the way most anyone would irritate you if they were around you all the time but you weren't into them that way.

 

This isn't uncommon. It sucks when it happens, for sure, but that's the process. You try a relationship with someone, the first few months or so will usually be pretty stellar, and after that fizzles out you can see if love took root. If not, best to gracefully end it and move on. It's very easy for people with mutual sexual attraction and a pinch of things in common to have a wonderful honeymoon phase. It's less common for people to have love potential. So this is just gonna happen sometimes.

[CrystalCastles]

It's less common for people to have love potential. So this is just gonna happen sometimes.

 

That's what freaks me out the most. That there IS love potential and I'm being dumb and not seeing it.

 

All this coupled with my OCD makes me have the worst panic attacks. I could barely focus on anything all week. I am so afraid of throwing all this away and yet I'm so afraid of being in a relationship that isn't working for me. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to deal with these thoughts. This is my first relationship so I'm not sure what is normal or not.

[Els]

Honestly I'm not sure. I'm so conflicted at the moment and I don't know where my head is. What we had at the beginning of our relationship felt like love. I feel like our relationship has become a routine. I feel like I've become annoyed at him for literally what feels like every detail, most of it is insignificant. We fight more often than we used to, and when I'm unhappy with him, which feels like often, I resort to passive-aggressive jabs at him and I hate that I've become that person.

 

This does sound like the honeymoon phase ending. Is it at all possible to have a real discussion with him about the issues in your R, instead of using passive-aggressive jabs?

 

I'm not sure why I'm not in love with him. I am not sure why he's not in love with me. I like him, and I know he likes me. But we're not in love.

 

Why do you think your boyfriend doesn't love you?

 

He's a really nice person and we want the same things out of life. But I feel like he's become boring. We don't have much to talk about anymore. I talk a lot when we hang out because if I don't, there will be silence the whole time. I asked him how come he's quiet. And he said he just doesn't have anything to say.

 

How much time do you spend together in general?

 

If you're spending a lot of time together, then sometimes silence isn't bad. It's not realistic for long-term couples to have lots of things to talk about 24/7. But if you NEVER have anything to talk about, or if you're together only 2-3x/week for a few hours at a time, and there's still a lot of silence, then yeah, there might be a deeper issue or incompatibility.

 

I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure why I'm not in love when there was so much love at the beginning. I want to fix my relationship and get rid of my crush for this other guy and set us back on the right track. I feel like I won't find another guy as good as this one and I feel like my reasons are stupid and aren't reason for me to break it off with him.

 

Well... I don't want to dissuade you, but most people don't end up with their first love - very few do. It's possible that this might be a learning experience for you, to know what you need and want from a relationship. 19(?) is a bit early to be doing a lot of relationship-salvaging, IMO. But if you really, really want this R to work out, then do have a serious talk with him about the problems.

[CrystalCastles]

This does sound like the honeymoon phase ending. Is it at all possible to have a real discussion with him about the issues in your R, instead of using passive-aggressive jabs?

 

I am. We're talking right now. He told me not to worry. I explained all my worries and how I feel I've been such a horrible and nasty person to him and I'm so sorry for it. He told me I haven't been, and that I'm good and that the things I worry about are normal and human. He knows about the other guy. I am not sure how I feel about the other guy, so I told my boyfriend that I'm afraid I will like him. Which is true because I've been cycling back and forth between my boyfriend and this other guy all week. I don't think that can be classified as true "like".

 

Why do you think your boyfriend doesn't love you?

 

Because I asked.

 

How much time do you spend together in general?

 

If you're spending a lot of time together, then sometimes silence isn't bad. It's not realistic for long-term couples to have lots of things to talk about 24/7. But if you NEVER have anything to talk about, or if you're together only 2-3x/week for a few hours at a time, and there's still a lot of silence, then yeah, there might be a deeper issue or incompatibility.

 

We spent almost every day of the holiday together. I'm in school right now, and I don't have any time at the moment between classes and grad school applications and my research and he's also in research, back from the holidays so its been stressful. But we've been able to spend a lot of time together.

 

Well... I don't want to dissuade you, but most people don't end up with their first love - very few do. It's possible that this might be a learning experience for you, to know what you need and want from a relationship. 19(?) is a bit early to be doing a lot of relationship-salvaging, IMO. But if you really, really want this R to work out, then do have a serious talk with him about the problems.

 

I'm 22. I did have a talk. I just don't want to be making a mistake. I'm so afraid of making a mistake and regretting that I left him. If things develop with this other guy, I'm afraid I will leave a good man for a worse one. And then I'll end up alone and unhappy. That thought causes me a lot of anxiety. And I don't want to be the reason other people are unhappy.

[Els]

 

Because I asked.

 

Wait....

 

You asked your bf 'do you love me?' and he said 'no'??

 

We spent almost every day of the holiday together.

Well, if you spent almost every day together for 2 weeks, I wouldn't be concerned if sometimes you run out of things to talk about.

 

I'm 22. I did have a talk. I just don't want to be making a mistake. I'm so afraid of making a mistake and regretting that I left him. If things develop with this other guy, I'm afraid I will leave a good man for a worse one. And then I'll end up alone and unhappy. That thought causes me a lot of anxiety. And I don't want to be the reason other people are unhappy.

I didn't want to mention this other guy, but he seems to be figuring a lot in your dilemma about your relationship, so it does seem like we will have to address your feelings for him. In what way do you feel he is 'better' than your boyfriend? What does he provide or have that your bf lacks?

 

As a side note, if you are having such strong feelings for someone else, I do think your R is at the end of the road. If you had children or had been together for many years, I'd suggest couples counseling or trying to salvage things. But at this stage, being young and only together for 7 months, it really does seem like you have just outgrown your R, and there is nothing wrong with that. I feel you should leave before you end up being tempted to cheat (not saying you will, just that the temptation is there).

Edited January 18, 2015 by Elswyth

[CrystalCastles]

Wait....

 

You asked your bf 'do you love me?' and he said 'no'??

 

Yes. Is that bad?

 

Well, if you spent almost every day together for 2 weeks, I wouldn't be concerned if sometimes you run out of things to talk about.

 

Ok phew. That might explain my annoyance at small things too. Maybe we've just been spending too much time together.

 

I didn't want to mention this other guy, but he seems to be figuring a lot in your dilemma about your relationship, so it does seem like we will have to address your feelings for him. In what way do you feel he is 'better' than your boyfriend? What does he provide or have that your bf lacks?

 

That's what I'm confused about. Whether or not he's better. He's an incredibly nice and patient guy. However I've only recently met him. So the fact that I like him like this is completely illogical. I feel like sometimes he does things that make me wonder if he feels the same about me but I don't know him well enough yet and I feel like I'm being delusional.

 

I've also been really into Arab culture. I'm from Israel, I'm a citizen of that country and I've been wanting to go back for a while. I've been reading about politics of the Middle East, Middle Eastern history, I've been learning Arabic and this guy is teaching me (along with me taking university courses). He's a recently-immigrated Arab. He's been telling me about his people and his culture and I just feel so connected. Arabic is something I'm really passionate about. The beauty of the language blows me away and my current boyfriend just doesn't understand it at all.

 

He's been very excited about what we talk about, he's been so eager to teach me his language and culture. My friend from my Arabic class understands this love for Arab culture and language- she went to Egypt for a year just to learn Arabic and now she's marrying an Egyptian man. So I know I'm not totally cray. I'd like to move to the Middle East someday but my boyfriend doesn't get that either.

 

He's also moving to the same city that I'm moving to in the near future so he'll be there too. He was excited about that too.

 

My boyfriend is a very kind person. We've had such intense chemistry at the beginning of our relationship that I don't know how I can ever find that again. I don't know how I can justify throwing away something I know well, like my relationship, for a guy I've just met on the basis that I have such a strong love for his culture. I don't understand how I can think that, its so irrational and I am rarely irrational about my decisions.

 

I'm not even sure I like this guy for who he is. I just know we share a love for the same thing, but I don't know if we're cut out to be in a relationship. Not to mention, he's Muslim. I have no problem with that, but I know Muslims don't have extramarital sex and I don't think I can be in a relationship where I have to be married to have sex with someone. I know also that he's single.

 

It also bothers me that my boyfriend isn't really respected in my faculty very well. My supervisor disrespects him. It really bothers me to hear that and I feel disrespected on his behalf, but I also feel like I wonder if other people in my faculty look down upon me for dating him. I know its really evil to think that about my SO but I can't get rid of these feelings.

 

As a side note, if you are having such strong feelings for someone else, I do think your R is at the end of the road. If you had children or had been together for many years, I'd suggest couples counseling or trying to salvage things. But at this stage, being young and only together for 7 months, it really does seem like you have just outgrown your R, and there is nothing wrong with that. I feel you should leave before you end up being tempted to cheat (not saying you will, just that the temptation is there).

 

I don't know if these are strong feelings or just a brain fart that I'll move on from and forget about in a week or two. That's why I don't know if my relationship is at an end. Because I think it would be entirely unreasonable to ditch a kind, stable guy who has been so good to me and someone who wants the same things that I do, for a guy I've just met. That just doesn't make any sense.

 

If I never met this guy the temptation wouldn't be there and none of these thoughts would be in my head, probably.

 

I doubt that I'd ever cheat. Even having these thoughts and feelings about another man makes me feel evil and dirty. So many posters here have so much venom and hate towards people whose eyes wander when they're taken and I've become that person. Cheating would be so evil that I don't know how I could live with myself after that. So no, I'd never go there. I'd break up first.

 

I'm just not sure if the temptation is worth the breakup.

Edited January 18, 2015 by CrystalCastles

[Els]

Yes. Is that bad?

 

Quite bad, IMO. I mean, I don't generally put much stock in words, so I wouldn't say it was bad if he just didn't initiate saying 'ILU'. But being straight-out asked and saying 'no'... that probably is quite a bad sign. Did you probe his answer further?

 

Not to mention, he's Muslim. I have no problem with that, but I know Muslims don't have extramarital sex and I don't think I can be in a relationship where I have to be married to have sex with someone. I know also that he's single.

 

If he is a religious/staunch Muslim, sex will be the least of your worries. One major thing is that Muslims believe they are not allowed to marry non-Muslims, so religion might become an issue.

 

It also bothers me that my boyfriend isn't really respected in my faculty very well. My supervisor disrespects him. It really bothers me to hear that and I feel disrespected on his behalf, but I also feel like I wonder if other people in my faculty look down upon me for dating him. I know its really evil to think that about my SO but I can't get rid of these feelings.

 

This does seem a bit irrational - do you think the problem here lies with your supervisor and the people in your faculty, or with your bf?

 

 

 

I'm just not sure if the temptation is worth the breakup.

 

If Arab guy didn't exist, do you think things would be any better between you and your bf? Or would the problems still remain?

[No Limit]

Why bother with a relationship if you don't feel something for each other?

 

As for when people fall in love; I do think there can be "on first sight" interest. First (and so far only) guy I fell in love with was sadly not mutual, but damn, his mere sight could brighten my day. And those feelings held on for years (during which he changed a lot too, but not for the better) until one day he started getting his face pierced in a similar atrocious-lookng manner that I guess his character/personality too had become. A real shame that he fell for his 'great social circle' rather than going his own path.

 

As for 'real love' - even that doesn't last. If you keep bending and beating it, it'll break eventually, like everything else too.

[2.50 a gallon]

CC

I don't know your age. Assume you are an adult.

Could you be an infatuation junkie?

I know that I was in my early 20's.

 

NL

 

First Sight: It did happen to me. Age 27, had been in several relationships, as noted above an infatuation junkie. I was dating a nurse, she was falling in love with me, my family (sister and mother) and her were starting to make wedding plans. They were taking her shopping with them, I would sometimes find out about family doings thru her. "This weekend everybody is going over to your aunts for this of that. I was getting pressure from the whole family to marry her and start a family. Me wondering what was the matter with me. Why couldn't I find someone to fall in love with?

 

Then one night I walked into my sporting goods store. There was a gal leaning over the counter with her back to me. I still remember how where the over head lights bounced and shimmered off of her black hair and gave it a reddish hue. When she turned around to look at me, I was immediately in love. I knew this was the gal I was looking for. It was all over for the nurse.

 

As for the new gal, we did date for over 3 years. We were engaged, and would have married, but her older sister was against us getting married and until that was settled I refused to set a wedding date. She finally left me. And there is still a part of my soul that still loves her.

Edited January 18, 2015 by 2.50 a gallon
missing word

[2.50 a gallon]

More thoughts from my experience

 

 

After my ex-fiancé and I broke up, I got back into the dating scene. I dated lots of gals, and it would be another six years before I finally married at age 35. Alas, I caught her cheating on our 6 month anniversary and walked away, swearing I would never be weak and let myself fall in love again.

 

 

Again I got back into the dating scene. I liked living alone, I had a great life, lots of different women, and I could do what I wanted with whom ever I wanted, when ever I wanted with out having to answer to anybody.

 

 

When ever I saw the possibility of love walking down my street, I was out the back door, down the alley and miles away before love had a chance to knock on my front door.

 

 

In one case, I packed my up stuff and moved a thousand miles away, back to my home town as she was getting too close

 

 

Then one night on the way home from work I met a new gal at the local convenience store. I was instantly sexually interested in her. But being that good looking I knew she was sure to have a boy friend. It would be over 2 years later before we had our first date. I was only interested in her as a FWB relationship as she was with me. Second date, first kiss, cupid shot me in the tuckess. It was already too late to run. I had no defense, I was in love.

 

 

It would be another year before she fell in love with me, and we have now been together for over 19 years.

 

 

The moral of the story, if you are lucky you will someday find love when you least expect it

[gaius]

I don't think I've ever been in love either. For some people it just doesn't really happen Crystal. But it could also just be you two don't have any of the underlying chemistry that makes a relationship work. Just coasting on the honeymoon period. Having the same goals in life has nothing to do with chemistry.

 

You need to break up with him and start bonkin that other guy. The stuff you're going through right now doesn't get better, only worse.

[Giggle]

What is the reason behind so many people you know not respecting your bf? I have never had this be a anything but a bad sign. That they see something you don't. Don't take it personally, but they have a reason for not thinking much of him.

[CrystalCastles]

Quite bad, IMO. I mean, I don't generally put much stock in words, so I wouldn't say it was bad if he just didn't initiate saying 'ILU'. But being straight-out asked and saying 'no'... that probably is quite a bad sign. Did you probe his answer further?

 

I did. He said that there's no set timeline for when people should fall in love. For some people it takes 7 months, for others it can take years. This is true, I know because I've had friends who fell in love with their boyfriends after being with them for 2 years. It took two whole years to fall in love! I feel like he takes things very slowly as do I. However I question this because at what point do I accept that maybe we'll never be in love and I should move on? At what point do I quit this relationship and say that I've given it my best?

 

If he is a religious/staunch Muslim, sex will be the least of your worries. One major thing is that Muslims believe they are not allowed to marry non-Muslims, so religion might become an issue.

 

I don't think he's overly devout. But I'm worried about that too. If he's not overly religious then it wouldn't be a problem. If I fall in love and marry him I don't have a problem converting as long as he doesn't beat me or any kids we might have, or use religion to control me. I don't want to spend all day praying or going to a mosque. I know he thinks the hijab is necessary but he thinks the niquab is not. He doesn't seem staunch to me. He also said that the Saudi women should be allowed to drive, he thinks its stupid they cannot. So at least he's not an extremist.

 

But I think his mom or him may ask me to convert and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm not sure I want to do that. I don't know this religion, but from what I read some people from it are not good people and I don't know if he's one of those types or not.

 

This does seem a bit irrational - do you think the problem here lies with your supervisor and the people in your faculty, or with your bf?

 

I am not sure. I think he's just not good at what he does. He acts like he's good at it and I think it gets on other peoples' nerves, like my prof's and my grad students that I work with. He's also really clumsy, and inattentive to detail which isn't a good trait to have in research. I think that bothers people a lot too. He's not a strong student. But maybe I wonder if my faculty members are being too harsh, because I know people in research can be a bit stuck up sometimes- I've worked in two labs and it seemed very common. But maybe I'm also being overly harsh. I'm a strong student but I can't really expect to be together with a genius who has every single quality that I want. I don't believe that Mr Perfect exists and that everyone will have flaws and maybe this is my boyfriend's flaw that I should just accept.

 

If Arab guy didn't exist, do you think things would be any better between you and your bf? Or would the problems still remain?

 

To be honest I'm not sure. I've been thinking a lot about this this morning. I've only been feeling this way for the last two weeks. I don't see how that could be a basis for throwing my relationship away. I'm applying to grad school which has been a stressful experience and I'm also working to get a paper published before I finish my undergrad- also a stressful experience. I've been rethinking a lot of things about my future and my career. Maybe I'm just in a spot where I'm questioning a lot of things about my future and hence by default this relationship falls under questioning too.

 

I'm not sure if this is just temporary. I'm not sure if the Muslim guy likes me or not. I'm not sure how religious he is or what he has to offer is worth leaving my relationship for. I'm not sure if I'm just having a weak and vulnerable moment that will blow over soon. I also wonder that maybe after the honeymoon phase there should be questioning? Maybe that's normal after the honeymoon phase is over? Maybe this is my way of asking if I want to be with this guy in the long run?

 

Maybe this Muslim guy and my questioning my relationship will prove how important my relationship is to me? So maybe I should do some questioning?

 

I think my boyfriend feels the same way. He said that in terms of the Muslim guy, he thinks the Muslim is just a novelty that will blow over soon. He also said that I shouldn't be afraid to feel. If I end up falling in love with this Muslim guy and I leave my boyfriend, my boyfriend said that he'll be accepting and that he doesn't want a nasty fallout. That feelings are a fact of life and you can't help who you fall for. I'm not sure if what he said is him questioning the relationship too, or if he's preparing for me to dump him or if he's not interested anymore.

 

@ gaius- your comment made me lol. I don't think I can get away with boinking a Muslim, seeing as I'm a non-Muslim and this would be premarital sex lol. I think you greatly overestimate how good I am at seducing men haha!

 

@ gallon- I don't know if I'm a junkie. I do get sometimes guys who I get "mini-crushes" on. I like them for maybe three or four weeks, then the situation blows over. But I also think that it tends to blow over if there's no reciprocation. Guys who I've felt showed reciprocation (most often it was because I was misinterpreting signs, but after I started liking them I didn't care anymore) I've liked for a long time. So I feel like if there's reciprocation it will be difficult for me to let go of those feelings. I'm really afraid of this situation because I look back at the times that me and my boyfriend have had and they have been more amazing than I could have imagined. I feel like being with him has been a very smooth and stress-free ride until now, and I feel like we've been very happy together. So I can't understand what is happening and why I feel this way.

[CrystalCastles]

What is the reason behind so many people you know not respecting your bf? I have never had this be a anything but a bad sign. That they see something you don't. Don't take it personally, but they have a reason for not thinking much of him.

 

Its nothing to do with his personality I don't think. He's just not a strong student. He's a very kind person but I think his inability to excel at what he does irritates people in my lab and my prof. Its really hard to go about my day and listen to that. Its been a problem for a very long time, since the beginning of our relationship actually. Its been easy to ignore before but sometimes even I myself find that I'm irritated because there are simple things that he doesn't get.

[Els]

I did. He said that there's no set timeline for when people should fall in love. For some people it takes 7 months, for others it can take years. This is true, I know because I've had friends who fell in love with their boyfriends after being with them for 2 years. It took two whole years to fall in love! I feel like he takes things very slowly as do I. However I question this because at what point do I accept that maybe we'll never be in love and I should move on? At what point do I quit this relationship and say that I've given it my best?

 

Interesting. I've not heard of anyone taking 7 months to fall in love, to be honest.

 

The odd thing about it is that based on most of your posts that I've read, he does seem to ACT like he's in love with you. Otherwise why go to all the trouble of spending so much time with you, talking about intimate things, trying to make you happy? He isn't even one of those chumps who is just doing it for sex, since the two of you didn't have sex for the first several months (IIRC). So this does sound a bit puzzling to me.

 

I don't think he's overly devout. But I'm worried about that too. If he's not overly religious then it wouldn't be a problem. If I fall in love and marry him I don't have a problem converting as long as he doesn't beat me or any kids we might have, or use religion to control me. I don't want to spend all day praying or going to a mosque. I know he thinks the hijab is necessary but he thinks the niquab is not. He doesn't seem staunch to me. He also said that the Saudi women should be allowed to drive, he thinks its stupid they cannot. So at least he's not an extremist.

I didn't even mean extremism - extremists are typically not in an advanced scientific research programme. I meant just the basic Islam tenets that a religious Muslim would obey. Wife and kids must be Muslim. Wife must wear the hijab and cover up from top to toe. Everyone must fast for a month. Everyone must pray 5x/day. You get the jist of it.

 

There is nothing wrong with someone doing all that if they personally believe in Islam, but to do it just because you love someone... I don't think such a relationship would be right.

 

I am not sure. I think he's just not good at what he does. He acts like he's good at it and I think it gets on other peoples' nerves, like my prof's and my grad students that I work with. He's also really clumsy, and inattentive to detail which isn't a good trait to have in research. I think that bothers people a lot too. He's not a strong student. But maybe I wonder if my faculty members are being too harsh, because I know people in research can be a bit stuck up sometimes- I've worked in two labs and it seemed very common. But maybe I'm also being overly harsh. I'm a strong student but I can't really expect to be together with a genius who has every single quality that I want. I don't believe that Mr Perfect exists and that everyone will have flaws and maybe this is my boyfriend's flaw that I should just accept.

Ah okay. So it isn't just typical "my research area is better than yours ner ner" faculty bull****.

 

I dunno, admittedly I would be turned off if I were with a man who was incompetent in his work/studies. But that's really just a personal preference, if it doesn't matter to you then it doesn't matter.

 

 

I also wonder that maybe after the honeymoon phase there should be questioning? Maybe that's normal after the honeymoon phase is over? Maybe this is my way of asking if I want to be with this guy in the long run?

Could be normal, yes. Then again, was there ever a 'honeymoon phase' if your bf has not fallen in love with you yet?

 

I think the best thing to do at this point is to minimize contact with the Arab guy. Cut contact to only the bare minimum necessary for your studies/job. Once you get him out of your headspace, reevaluate your relationship with your bf. The answers you get from that will be much more genuine.

 

It's possible that neither of these guys are the right ones for you, and that's okay too.

[Eddy Street]

Usually when I start to cuddle with my pillow before falling asleep thinking about her, because that's as far as it's ever gotten for me.

[MissBee]

I do agree with dichotomy that real love is not just about feelings, but it seems to me that you ARE asking about the feelings. So, going with that...

 

Crystal, I'm confused about what the situation is. You say 'you've never fallen in love before' but then you say 'the excitement from the beginning of the R isn't there anymore'. So did you feel like you 'fell in love' at the beginning, or not?

 

Anyway, uh... for me the feelings tend to develop over the first couple of months, and stay at a giddy high throughout the honeymoon period, probably the first 6 months to 1-2 years. After that, the honeymoon period simmers down and that tends to be the make-or-break point, where the rose-tinted glasses come off and you see the person for who they really are, and that is the true test of compatibility.

 

I would say the feelings still remain after that period, though, just at a slow boil rather than 'fireworks all night'. I would also say that when you HAVE 'fallen in love', you will know it. There's no mistaking it.

 

Why do you think you're 'not in love with him' and vice versa?

 

 

I agree with this.

 

In the beginning stages of dating, like for the first several weeks or months, it's that whole giddy high feeling but for me I'm aware that that doesn't mean I'm in love, I know I'm infatuated and excited about the person at that point and I feel like they're someone I could potentially fall in love with. It's not until some more time has passed, I've seen them in different lights, we go through more things together, we have deeper discussions, I see our values aligning etc. that I begin to fall in love. Three months on is the general time frame for me to begin to feel like I'm in love and the more time invested, the more it increases. I've been in love twice I'd say.

 

For me, at some point within a few months I begin to fall in love or I never do and things have to end as they just kind of get stagnant,and like you Crystal, I become more annoyed with the person and just restless. I don't associate that with normal ebbs and flows personally, as I was with someone for 2 years that I was in love with and the feelings of love only increased as the relationship went on, even though the giddy high wore off (although that didn't totally wear off). With my last bf in the beginning I was excited about him but as time went on I realized we weren't that good of a match and unlike the men I was in love with, where with time and learning more about them I fell for them more, the more I knew about the ex the less I felt close to him and the more I felt like it wasn't working. I KNEW something was wrong, because by 6 months in I wasn't in love and was more annoyed than anything else. I didn't get that feeling of wanting to know more and more and just loving him and wanting to have a life with him which in my other two experiences those feelings increased the more we spent time together and certainly by 6 months in.

 

So for me there is definitely a window where if I'm going to be in love it tends to happen within a few months, definitely between 3 and 6 months, and if beyond that I'm not finding more to love and am not getting more emotionally intimate and close and connected to you then I realize it will never happen personally. I can say I've dated more people than I've been in love with.

Edited January 19, 2015 by MissBee