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Changing yourself


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I don't think you should ever try to change your personality; you just let it evolve naturally by changing your approach to life as you progress through it toward its natural conclusion. People can see when you're acting like someone you're not. You won't be respected any more for changing into someone you're not than you would be if you didn't change at all.

 

Attraction is external and internal. There's the image we want to project, and there's who we really are once you get past the facade, and on that note, I think Tamed Wildflower pretty much summed up everything about attraction between the sexes.

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Fuzzy Chickens

Allowing my personality to change by itself wasn't getting me anywhere. Forcibly changing my personality is what's given me peace of mind and improved quality of life.

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Anyone remember the spoon analogy from the "Matrix?"

 

To paraphrase... if you can bend the spoon just by staring at it, keep in mind that it isn't the spoon that's bending. It's you.

 

Your perception of the world changes as you change yourself.

 

Just my two cents, that's all.

 

I promise not to use anymore "Matrix" analogies (actually more of a Buddhist teaching).

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Allowing my personality to change by itself wasn't getting me anywhere. Forcibly changing my personality is what's given me peace of mind and improved quality of life.

 

Well, true. It's never a passive process, and I didn't mean to suggest earlier that it was.

 

I think what you have to do is to force yourself to take some personal risks, challenge yourself. If you're a shy, quiet type and if you're not happy being the shy, quiet type, then you have to force yourself into social situations.

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Originally posted by amerikajin

 

Well, true. It's never a passive process, and I didn't mean to suggest earlier that it was.

 

I think what you have to do is to force yourself to take some personal risks, challenge yourself. If you're a shy, quiet type and if you're not happy being the shy, quiet type, then you have to force yourself into social situations.

 

amerikajin, you respond excellently in your all responses.

 

I have to admit, i used to be the shy/introvert type when i was young. But throughout college i did happen to change and for the better.

 

i was never quite the social person, nor am i completely. But forcing myself into social situations has stirred quite a lot in me, as the social/communicating aspect of my personality has grown. In a sense i was very accepting of change, and still am thorugh the course of college.

 

I admit, if you stay home a lot or isolate yourself from the outside environment, it is extremely difficult for personal growth.

Often it is true that the environment does have an effect on your personality and character. Social situations, activities, especially your friends.

 

I have a good friend who's on the dorkish side and stays home whenever he doesnt need to attend class. Altho our interest in things have grown apart, he's a cool person. But because of his isolation by staying at home, he hasnt changed at all, from the first day i knew him from middle school to now, he's exactly the same.

 

The point is, a lot of our actions and usual activities we DO or DONT perform is a form of conditioning. The more you choose to go to the bar or stay at home, the harder it will be to escape from that daily routine.

 

And the harder it will become to do something that you normally may not. As a result of my friend's conditioning from staying home all the time, he suffers from social anxiety.

 

As they say... "fake it till you make it"

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Good post monkey00.

 

We need to be careful when giving out the advice to "just be yourself."

 

I believe many of us do just live our lives in "quiet desperation" as Thoreau said. Even worse, I know some people who have become so accustomed to their style of life that they don't even feel this desperation, when in my opinion, they really should.

 

I am also a firm believer that we can and should take as much control of our lives as we possibly can. Yet, to an extent, we are all merely the consequence of year and years of events, peoples, ideas, pressures (from family, friends, media, and popular culture). Some of this is conscious, much of it subconscious.

 

For this reason, we should, from time to time, introspectively challenge every belief, attitude, and personal trait we hold and question where it came from. Are you shy because you really prefer it, or is it from years of social conditioning from your parents not to be more outgoing. Are you a Republican/Democrat because of social conditioning from friends who pulled you into their group and would only offer acceptance if you conformed to their groupthink?

 

I encourage everyone to try to find out why you became who you are, in whatever area of personality. Only then can you decide if that is what you really want, if that will help you reach your desired goals in life, and if they are congruent with your values in life (assuming you have also gone back and evaluated what values you truly hold, not for anyone else, but for yourself).

 

What sometimes concerns me is whether even the tools I have to try to analyze certain beliefs and values are already the result of a lifetime of social conditioning. So even when I say I will go back and objectively examine a certain belief, is it really possible to do so? How can I be sure that the magnifying glass I use to examine myself is not in fact flawed or warped from a lifetime of social conditioning too? This is what sometimes keeps me up at nights. :laugh:

 

I think that is why, while I have a very strong set of beliefs and values, I am always open to and fascinated by other people's experiences and opinions, because that magnifying glass I am using to look at my past experiences may have a very different lens if I look at it from another perspective.

 

Ok, I may have digressed a bit there. But to summarize, yes it is possible to change. Changing can be good, can be bad, depending on why you want to change and whether it will bring you closer to your "true self," or the self you want to be.

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As I mature, one thing I see more and more is that people are attracted to people who are alive. The more experiences you have, the more interesting you are, the more people want to know more about you. Not always, but it seems that's often the case. Go out and do things. You don't have to be a daredevil, but go out and try a craft or hobby you've never tried before. You'll widen your social circles and you'll also make yourself a more interesting person talk about at a party.

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Originally posted by amerikajin

As I mature, one thing I see more and more is that people are attracted to people who are alive. The more experiences you have, the more interesting you are, the more people want to know more about you. Not always, but it seems that's often the case. Go out and do things. You don't have to be a daredevil, but go out and try a craft or hobby you've never tried before. You'll widen your social circles and you'll also make yourself a more interesting person talk about at a party.

 

That is true. It definitely makes you more appealing. It's a shame I like to stay home so much, like Monkey's friend, but it isn't due to social anxiety. I simply love doing things that don't require much interaction, but I'm thinking of taking French at a community college, just so I can learn another language and meet girls ten years my junior. ;) Maybe next semester, time permitting.

 

I don't drink much, so the bar scene isn't for me. Guess I need to find healthy alternatives (and I say this subjectively, so as not to offend any barflies who come across this).

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Yeah - I definitely agree - the more alive you are the more attractive you look - I find that is true when I meet people - It's very intriging and interesting conversation when someone has various interests and lots of diff experiences.

 

Being single again, I'm trying to use all my free time to experience new things and do what I want. However, the trouble I'm finding now that I'm a little older - 31 - that finding friends to do things with is quite harder - a lot of my friends right now are married, babies, or in serious relationships. Even my work friends are older and we go out maybe once every few months. Blah.

 

So it's time for me to go out and do things on my own - any suggestions or ideas from other singles out there?

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I agree purple21, finding those people who want to do the same things as you is not as easy as it sounds as i havent had an easy time with it.

 

I was planning a trip to europe or elsewhere for the summer but couldnt find any friends, either they are unemployed and broke/ make excuses or they are too scared of the unknown. now im left in the dust, and really think to myself, damn i need some new friends.

 

westernxr - thats good to hear. There are those who prefer the quiet lifestyle over the active lifestyle and there's nothing wrong with it. As long as you enjoy what you do is all that matters.

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Originally posted by monkey00

I was planning a trip to europe or elsewhere for the summer but couldnt find any friends, either they are unemployed and broke/ make excuses or they are too scared of the unknown. now im left in the dust, and really think to myself, damn i need some new friends.

 

I visited Europe by myself and had a great time doing it. I also met plenty of people wherever I went, so I was never actually alone. You should go for it, Monkey. You'll be glad you did. Plus, if you go by yourself, you can do what you like without having to worry about what someone else wants to do. Europe's the place to do it, that's for sure. Lot of cool people over there. I'm definitely going back, sometime in the future.

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western i have some questions that i hope you dont mind answering.

 

which country did you visit?

did you go with a tour group? or just soloing and finding your way around.

Did the people there know english?

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Tamed Wildflower
Originally posted by monkey00

western i have some questions that i hope you dont mind answering.

 

which country did you visit?

did you go with a tour group? or just soloing and finding your way around.

Did the people there know english?

 

About visiting Europe-- yeah, it can be a great time, especially if you get to actually spend an extended spat of time there, especially if you speak a language or two beyond English. It's one thing being a tourist, it's quite something else actually living in a place that is new to you with a very different culture. I would say it is DEFINITELY a growing experience. If you do want to find English-speakers, if you stick to big cities in Western Europe and decide to do mainly touristy things, you will probably get along in English just fine.

 

If you possibly can, though, I recommend a taking some kind of little crash-course in the language of the country where you would like to go, that way you have more freedom to go off the beaten tourist track a little, and people will appreciate your trying to communicate in their language. I am assuming you are American.... sometimes Americans come off as a bit arrogant when they make the assumption that everyone does or should speak English.

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As I mature, one thing I see more and more is that people are attracted to people who are alive.

 

I should hope so! :p

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Originally posted by moimeme

I should hope so! :p

:laugh:

 

--

 

As far as Europe goes, if you stick to the big cities, you can get by fine with just the common words and phrases list in the back of tour guides. Just don't be impatient or rude and most of the people will help you out, especially ones who stand to make a profit from you. I recommend the Eyewitness Travel Guides, as you get more pictures, which is always a plus, and you get some of the informal advice you would get from friends who went there, whereas most travel guides can be more official and stiff.

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Tamed Wildflower

Nomad, we have gotten a little off-topic here in this thread, which has been fun, but I am wondering if our thoughts have been of help to you at all?

 

Let us know if we've helped, and how you are doing now...

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Nomad,

 

Just remember that changing yourself is a process, not an event. Over the course of our lives, we don't just wake up one day and change, we evolve slowly over a period of time. There are moments when we awaken and realize that we're not where we want to be, and it seems like you're at one of those crossroads in your life now. The key thing is to commit to change, but remember that the commitment has to be permanent. You can't quit if the results aren't there immediately.

 

In the dating department, I think that the key is to know what you want and why you want it. The key, also, is to know yourself; to know your strengths and your weaknesses. To know what should be changed and to accept what can't be changed. Know that even if you're a hot stud there will be some girls out there who won't dig you - accept that and move on.

 

I think that the best thing you can do is to develop yourself as a person, independent of any woman. Get active, find out what interests you and pursue them with passion. Try new things. You'll meet more people that way, and who knows...maybe you'll meet someone who wants to hang around for a while.

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ReluctantRomeo
Originally posted by westernxer

I visited Europe by myself and had a great time doing it. I also met plenty of people wherever I went, so I was never actually alone. You should go for it, Monkey. You'll be glad you did... Europe's the place to do it, that's for sure. Lot of cool people over there. I'm definitely going back, sometime in the future.

 

 

Most of the Americans one bumps into travelling here are having a great time. There's loads of fun and cultural things to see and do, not to mention things you can eat, people you meet.... ok, I'm gonna stop now, before I sound like the "visit Europe" tourist board :laugh:

 

And yes, Monkey, lots of us speak English. Some of us better than you do... have I said that my mum is english? :p

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