organic chemistry Posted April 14, 2005 Share Posted April 14, 2005 i wanna change myself too... just few days ago i went out with my male buddy...and he offered advice on why i didin't have a bf... i see myself as being cute and smart and successful and outgoing and active...but i dun have a bf...and no one shows up on radar at all.... my friend...as a guy told me...that he would only see me as a gd friend...but with no romantic intention at all...coz i'm too independent and can do things better than guys in many ways....i'm too smart and too strong... and i'm not girlie enough...i play rough sports with all guy friends...it's sad that they will never see me as a gf material....i'm always just the gd buddy to hang out... i'm determined to change myself....i'll get out there...be a girlie girl and flirt... girlie is my top priority... any more advice on how to do that? like how to capture guys? how to be super girlie? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nomad Posted April 15, 2005 Author Share Posted April 15, 2005 Yes, all of your replies thus far have been helpful, & I appreciate them. I'm just stuck in a rut, & want to climb out of it, but don't know how. If there were a sure-fire way to completely alter my looks for the better through plastic surgery, I'd do it. If there were an instruction manual for improving your life, I"d buy it in a second. I'd do whatever it took to change myself, I just don't KNOW what it takes. It's just not easy to know how. Link to post Share on other sites
Groovy Posted April 15, 2005 Share Posted April 15, 2005 I'd list what you want to change and then write out a goal plan on how to acheive it. That way you identify what you want to change and how to get the success you want. Some things of course are easy to change, like losing 10 pounds. Changing personality like bad tempers, much more difficult. Anyway, whatever you are trying for I hope you get it Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 Originally posted by organic chemistry i'm determined to change myself....i'll get out there...be a girlie girl and flirt... girlie is my top priority... any more advice on how to do that? like how to capture guys? how to be super girlie? Hmmm. My observation is that girls who hang around with guys a lot usually get MORE action - proximity, guy skills and all that. We tend to be pretty keen on girls who will share our hobbies. A bit more girly dressing and some flirting wouldn't hurt though. Why don't you make a list of 5 guys you like and see if you can spot what they are going for? At least it will give you some ideas. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 If there were an instruction manual for improving your life, I"d buy it in a second. I'd do whatever it took to change myself, I just don't KNOW what it takes. It's just not easy to know how. It's not your life that needs change, I suspect. It's your attitude towards life. Several good authors have written books on happiness. One that a friend likes is called 'The Art of Happiness' by the Dalai Lama. I think that's where you need to start. Link to post Share on other sites
gridiron Posted April 19, 2005 Share Posted April 19, 2005 Originally posted by Nomad If there were a sure-fire way to completely alter my looks for the better through plastic surgery, I'd do it. If there were an instruction manual for improving your life, I"d buy it in a second. I'd do whatever it took to change myself, I just don't KNOW what it takes. It's just not easy to know how. What is it you are looking for in life that you feel you are missing? I really doubt there are any worthwhile goals in life that you can not achieve without plastic surgery. One book I would recommend is "Self Matters" by Dr. Phil. It's an interesting book that examines how events, people, and decisions in your past have shaped you into who you are today. It has several exercises requiring thinking and writing about past events in your life. These are very important to the book being helpful, so don't buy it if you are not going to feel like doing this with an open mind and belief that this will be helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
ratzskinakie Posted April 20, 2005 Share Posted April 20, 2005 One thing I learned about life is that people won’t like you solely based on the attitude you have toward them, but will like you based on the attitude you have towards yourself. (Because who wants to be around a person who has negative attitude toward themselves?) But the perception of “attitude” varies. And if you start out with negative self image, then you would have to honestly have to evaluate and look at yourself. and like everything else, it takes time, patients, and investment to build a positive attitude toward oneself. If you are considering books, I’d recommend “A Guide to rational living” By Albert Ellis. I’ve read several self help books, and this one by far exceeds them all. It doesn’t give you dumb tedious quizzes, or talk about stupid happy go lucky philosophies. This one is for real. go check it out at amazon.com. Link to post Share on other sites
ggallin13 Posted April 20, 2005 Share Posted April 20, 2005 One should always look to improve who they are as a person, whether that means physically or emotionally/psychologically. The trick is to love yourself no matter where you are, while still working to improve. In truth I will never get there, as I am not perfect nor will I ever be, but I have just learned to not be so hard on myself about it. I am 40, and I am only now feeling that I actually love myself. In the past I think I always paid lip service to that idea, but now there is a huge difference in me--and there is a huge difference in how I am perceived by others. I have always been fairly popular, but now it is unbelievable. Totally cool. There is nothing wrong with being a dork, by the way. Be the hero of the dorks! There are limitations to every personality type. Work with what you got, and work to change what you don't like. If you feel you lack social skill, practice. Watch movies and when there is a character you admire, emulate the traits you like. For example, when I was a kid I really admired John Stryker (John Wayne in Sands of Iwo Jima). I saw how he was up front about things and had very strong standards, but was also willing to listen to the feelings/opinions of his men. So, I try to be like that. The more you do it, the better you get at it and it becomes part of you--or at least brings those traits out in you that you already have. Don't ignore your outward appearance, either. I used to just wear t-shirts and jeans and not really care about anything else--which is fine, but it seemed that I was looking on the outside like I felt on the inside. So, when a friend got her cosmetology license, she started cutting my hair. I had always gone to a barber before. I told her to cut it however she wanted. She did, and she insisted that I use styling products as well. That was definitely not me! But, she showed me what to do, and it has been awesome! I began to get compliments on my hair, and it doesn't take any more time in the morning than it did before. That inspired me to get a cool, stylish shirt (I always liked them) and the compliments just keep coming my way. That has helped me immeasurably. Now I have a whole personal style and I look forward to going out and showing it off! That was so not me 6 months ago. I have had some personal epiphonies lately as well, but that is for a whole nother thread... On a personal note, I would avoid "self-help" books at all costs! Think about it, if their information was accurate, there would be only one book. In the past I have read most of my sister's self-help books and they screwed me up worse. I did much better just assessing where I was, where I wanted to be, and developing a plan to get there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nomad Posted April 20, 2005 Author Share Posted April 20, 2005 EXACTLY, GGALLIN!! Perfectly put! You have to be content while striving to improve. I never quite buy the maxim, "You should love yourself no matter what." If being content w/ the way you're born/naturally are is a strength, then that would mean people who strive to improve themselves in some way (therapy, exercise, fashion, whatever) were possessed of some sort of weakness...and that makes no sense at all. Self-improvement is NOT a bad thing. On the other hand, wallowing in depression constantly & absolutely HATING yourself is definitely not a strength, either. You must strike a balance. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted April 21, 2005 Share Posted April 21, 2005 Wise words, Nomad. Sounds like you're doing better, btw. Link to post Share on other sites
Tamed Wildflower Posted April 23, 2005 Share Posted April 23, 2005 Originally posted by Nomad EXACTLY, GGALLIN!! Perfectly put! You have to be content while striving to improve. I never quite buy the maxim, "You should love yourself no matter what." If being content w/ the way you're born/naturally are is a strength, then that would mean people who strive to improve themselves in some way (therapy, exercise, fashion, whatever) were possessed of some sort of weakness...and that makes no sense at all. Self-improvement is NOT a bad thing. On the other hand, wallowing in depression constantly & absolutely HATING yourself is definitely not a strength, either. You must strike a balance. NOMAD!! Loving yourself does NOT mean being complacent with where you are and the way you are without trying to improve as a person and be healthier, stronger, kinder etc. Loving yourself means loving who you are and striving to be the best person you can be out of your love for yourself!! I'll illustrate the point. Think of two different people, let's say Jack and Jill, who both want to improve their physical fitness. Jack is a very self-loving person, and he feels that he owes it to himself and those around him to be the best person he can be. Out of love for himself, he is working to build physical strength, a high level of energy and endurance, and all-around optimal health. He hits some stumbling blocks along the way while he is working to lose weight and build muscle, but he gets over them because he derives his motivation from his positive self-attitude and his self-respect. Jill also wants to lose weight. Her reason is that she feels fat, ugly, and undesirable. She feels she is not worthy of anyone being attracted to her, so she heads to the gym determined to become worthy. While exercising, she is not thinking positive thoughts, she's thinking, "I have to work harder to get rid of these flabby thighs. Work harder, work harder, I have to slim down this a$$ and someday I will be able to get the attention of the men like my thin gorgeous sister can. If I could just be as thin as her I'd have a boyfriend and I wouldn't be so lonely and pathetic!" Whereas when Jack has difficulty, he doesn't have too much trouble getting back on track, Jill feels miserable, ashamed of her appearance, and like a failure. Can you blame her for feeling that way given that she is constantly burdening herself with all that negative self-talk?? (that might be a Dr. Philism) All of your posts seem to reveal your thinking that you would be able to like yourself, to be liked, to find partners for love and sex, and to be happy IF you just weren't you, or IF you could somehow completely transform yourself. You need plastic surgery, you need an instruction manual, you need to know the right things to say, you need a body transplant, you need to be someone else. No, you don't. You need to like yourself first and foremost, to see yourself in an overall positive regard, even while you recognize your flaws and your weaker points. Yes, work to improve yourself. Don't change yourself, instead, strive to be THE BEST YOU you can be. Learn from the way that Jack thinks about improving himself. Are you familiar with the serenity prayer? Perhaps you will find this as wise as I do. "God give me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." There are some things about yourself you can not change. Even if you can't learn to like them, you can learn to accept them, and to not think the worse of yourself for them. Change the things you can, but do it out of respect for yourself. I hope this post has been encouraging. Your last post shows you are definitely on the right track. Keep it up!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nomad Posted April 23, 2005 Author Share Posted April 23, 2005 Well, yes, that was sort of the point I was going for in my last post...being complacent is no good (unless you're great to begin with), but agonizing over self-loathing is no good, either. A balance must be struck: acknowledging your strengths AND your weaknesses, while striving to improve yourself. In other words, just keep a level head. I work to better myself b/c there's things about my self, and my life, that I don't like & want to improve. If I LOVED my body as is, why would I bother working out? And I truly believe there's nothing wrong w/ cosmetic changes done in moderation (not taken to MJ-like extremes). Exercise is mostly cosmetic...but nobody faults people going to the gym...right? But, I do respect other people's opinions & their goals...to each their own. I have no interest in becoming a singer, but if somebody wants to devote their time to doing that, I applaud them for it. And if I want to have plastic surgery, that's my interest. Looking better is a good step towards loving myself. Link to post Share on other sites
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