Why did my ex suddenly leave the Whatsapp group. What's your take ?

[stayingcalm]

Hi everyone,

 

I'd really appreciate it if someone could explain why he reacted this way, I'm confused.

 

Here's the story:

 

My ex-bf broke up with me 1 month ago.

I could see that he was distraught, and he even told me twice that he wasn't sure if he'd made the right decision.

I tried to reason with him that we should work things out, but he seemed to have made up his mind.

So I didn't pursue further, plead, beg or create any drama whatsoever.

We parted in good terms.

For the first 3 days, we kept in touch.

But on the 4th day, I told him that we should limit contact so that I could move on.

I learnt from this forum that we shouldn't be keeping in touch with exes if I want him back again.

He called right away, and I couldn't hold my tears, so I cried on the phone. But after the phone conversation, NC officially began.

 

A week after that, he texted me to wish me happy Christmas, but I didn't reply (sticking to NC rule).

 

We were in the same Whatsapp group chat for a shared hobby.

He quit that hobby after our breakup, but I'm still in it.

There was a meetup yesterday, so I texted in the Whatsapp group that I'll be going.

Right after my text, he left the chatroom.

He didn't leave while the rest were talking, but he did this right after I texted the group leader.

 

My question is: Why did he do this? Was it because he's angry? Shouldn't I be the one who's supposed to be angry since he was the one who broke it off? Did he do it on purpose just to get back at me for not replying his Christmas message?

 

Next question is: I don't think I have broken NC by texting the Whatsapp group. Or have I?

 

I have a feeling that he's expecting a response from me from what he did. But I could be wrong.

I still haven't spoken to him at all for 30 days now.

I don't think I should initiate contact, because as a dumpee, I have only that little dignity left.

But once he initiates contact, I'd be happy to speak to him again.

Will this NC go on forever if both of us kept silent?

 

Help please.

[bigtrouble]

Hi everyone,

 

My question is: Why did he do this? Was it because he's angry? Shouldn't I be the one who's supposed to be angry since he was the one who broke it off? Did he do it on purpose just to get back at me for not replying his Christmas message?

 

 

Why would be angry? He broke off with you, he made up his mind, consciously knowing this will hurt you tremendously.

 

Greeted you on Christmas but that's it, nothing more, its flat you are already hurting what did he think you need a holiday cheer.

 

Don't lay the guilt on yourself, its all on him.

 

Hi everyone,

 

Next question is: I don't think I have broken NC by texting the Whatsapp group. Or have I?

 

I have a feeling that he's expecting a response from me from what he did. But I could be wrong.

I still haven't spoken to him at all for 30 days now.

I don't think I should initiate contact, because as a dumpee, I have only that little dignity left.

But once he initiates contact, I'd be happy to speak to him again.

Will this NC go on forever if both of us kept silent?

 

 

It was indirect and the message was not for him. He dumped you, you are hurting already, you are right to save what's left of your dignity.

 

If he contacts you and he is sincere and he realizes he hurt the woman who loves him so much, then you have to decide if you want to give it a go.

 

You are such a nice caring woman, here you are hurting and in pain and you still put his feelings before yours.

 

Breaking up with you, is his loss not yours. You are worth more.

[Halcyon]

He's trying to heal seeing your message in the group was a reminder so he removed himself from the situation.

[stayingcalm]

Thank you very much, your replies helped lift my spirit up a little on this gloomy day.

 

Dynamics of our relationship:

In his eyes, I was the independent gf, who was never the needy type.

Sometimes I think to myself, maybe I should've given him more assurance, attention and affection, so that he wouldn't feel insecure being in a relationship with me.

He was a very affectionate bf, clingy at times, but not that I mind at all.

I'm not too sure myself, but I think he may have thought that I never cared, and it became a reason for the breakup.

I wish he had more faith in me, in us.

I'm just disappointed that he chose to give up, instead of working things out.

 

When dealing with an ex with this kind of personality, would NC really work to get him back?

Or should I text him first, just so he knows that the door is still open?

I'm just afraid that if I continue NC any longer, it would only cement his thought that I didn't care about him, and that his decision to breakup was right.

 

Many gurus advised that a dumpee should appear to their exes that they're moving on and living life. So that the ex sees what he's missing and to make him regret the breakup, as a way to getting him back.

 

But what if my ex thinks my silence means I couldn't care less, and he drops the idea of initiating contact altogether?

 

I'm so conflicted.

[Light Breeze]

Thank you very much, your replies helped lift my spirit up a little on this gloomy day.

 

Dynamics of our relationship:

In his eyes, I was the independent gf, who was never the needy type.

Sometimes I think to myself, maybe I should've given him more assurance, attention and affection, so that he wouldn't feel insecure being in a relationship with me.

He was a very affectionate bf, clingy at times, but not that I mind at all.

I'm not too sure myself, but I think he may have thought that I never cared, and it became a reason for the breakup.

I wish he had more faith in me, in us.

I'm just disappointed that he chose to give up, instead of working things out.

 

When dealing with an ex with this kind of personality, would NC really work to get him back?

Or should I text him first, just so he knows that the door is still open?

I'm just afraid that if I continue NC any longer, it would only cement his thought that I didn't care about him, and that his decision to breakup was right.

 

Many gurus advised that a dumpee should appear to their exes that they're moving on and living life. So that the ex sees what he's missing and to make him regret the breakup, as a way to getting him back.

 

But what if my ex thinks my silence means I couldn't care less, and he drops the idea of initiating contact altogether?

 

I'm so conflicted.

 

Just food for thought.

 

First, you think that your ex left you because he thought you didn't care about him. The problem with that however is that it's just speculation. There are probably a handful of reasons why he left, for all you know he just fell out of love with you. I agree with you though that if there were problems he should have spoken to you about it.

 

Second, NC is a tool for healing and moving on, not for getting exes back. As for your question about specific ways or techniques to get your ex back, honestly, there are none, at least you won't find it here.

 

Third, the fact that you told your ex that you were willing to work things out indicates that you care about him and the relationship but still he left. That shows that even though he was reluctant in ending your relationship, his mind was made up.

[stayingcalm]

Yes, I think you're right about the last part.

I did all I could at that time to exit gracefully.

He sent a message to say sorry after we parted ways, and I said I understand.

 

He must be still riled up over the fact that I didn't reply his Christmas message.

Because doing so shifted the power back to me.

 

Do you think him leaving the Whatsapp group was a way for him to gain back his power?

Obviously, the entire chat group could see "XX left the chatroom" right below my text. Men-and-their-ego at work here perhaps?

 

I thought after 30 days, he would've felt better and have more positive thoughts about me.

Seems like after yesterday's episode, I need to stretch the NC a bit longer, even though technically I haven't broken it yet.

Looks like there's an even slimmer chance of him calling anytime soon, or ever.

Not until his anger or whatever he's feeling dissipates.

Sigh........

[Ieris]

@stayingcalm - glad to see you're staying calm, your ex seems to be taking it worse than you. Its so weird when dumpers act like they have been dumped when they are the ones who chose to walk away...?!

 

I don't think he is gaining any power by leaving the whatsapp group, if anything it makes him look weak.

[stayingcalm]

Exactly. Thinking back, maybe I shouldn't have texted the group at all. I don't want him to think that I was trying to get his attention...sheeshh... Now I understand why some people are kicking themselves for breaking NC. This was close but not quite, but yet still mind-boggling.

[kendahke]

Exactly. Thinking back, maybe I shouldn't have texted the group at all. I don't want him to think that I was trying to get his attention...sheeshh... Now I understand why some people are kicking themselves for breaking NC. This was close but not quite, but yet still mind-boggling.

 

You didn't contact him. You are part of a group of which you have an interest already and you were contacting the group. That he happened to be online when you contacted the group leader is coincidence. This isn't breaking NC. Had you directly texted him, yes, that would be breaking NC.

 

Why he got off line could be a million and one reasons. His mom may have been calling him. He may have dropped his phone and busted it. Don't waste your time over-analyzing that. It could be for a myriad of reasons, none which have anything to do with you.

 

You do not want him back unless he is saying to you "Stayingcalm, I made a huge mistake. I am so sorry. I do not want to be broken up. Can we try again? Can we work through this together?" ANYTHING short of that you should cut him off and set him adrift. He doesn't get to come back on his terms alone.

 

Don't mistake the use of NC for a manipulation tactic to get him back. Only his volition will bring him back--nothing else. He's got to want to do that. You do NC to straighten out your own head and heart and move in a better direction. The side effect of that many times is that they see you getting on with your life without them and you are radiant while doing so and want to come running back for another chance. By that time, you may not want to be bothered with him anymore because your life is so on point that going backwards into some mess you just crawled out of on your bloodied elbows and knees is the last thing you want to do to yourself--because you love yourself that much.

[texxxxas]

Thank you very much, your replies helped lift my spirit up a little on this gloomy day.

 

Dynamics of our relationship:

In his eyes, I was the independent gf, who was never the needy type.

Sometimes I think to myself, maybe I should've given him more assurance, attention and affection, so that he wouldn't feel insecure being in a relationship with me.

He was a very affectionate bf, clingy at times, but not that I mind at all.

I'm not too sure myself, but I think he may have thought that I never cared, and it became a reason for the breakup.

I wish he had more faith in me, in us.

I'm just disappointed that he chose to give up, instead of working things out.

 

When dealing with an ex with this kind of personality, would NC really work to get him back?

Or should I text him first, just so he knows that the door is still open?

I'm just afraid that if I continue NC any longer, it would only cement his thought that I didn't care about him, and that his decision to breakup was right.

 

Many gurus advised that a dumpee should appear to their exes that they're moving on and living life. So that the ex sees what he's missing and to make him regret the breakup, as a way to getting him back.

 

But what if my ex thinks my silence means I couldn't care less, and he drops the idea of initiating contact altogether?

 

I'm so conflicted.

 

 

 

I know exactly how you feel, the guy I was seeing had the exact same personality as what you've described. He always used to say how I was a strong, independent woman and how he'd never met anyone like me before and how he'd never been with anyone who had a career etc so when he found out how devastated I was about him being with someone else and how much I loved him, it was like he couldn't comprehend it because he'd built me up to be some strong woman who didn't need a man or didn't care about him. I don't know...

 

It makes me have the same questions as you though, like if I don't tell him how I feel or reassure him that I am still there and want to be with him then will he just take it as I couldn't care less? I can't do much as he's seeing someone else now but I know exactly where you're coming from in wondering that.

[stayingcalm]

I know exactly how you feel, the guy I was seeing had the exact same personality as what you've described. He always used to say how I was a strong, independent woman and how he'd never met anyone like me before and how he'd never been with anyone who had a career etc so when he found out how devastated I was about him being with someone else and how much I loved him, it was like he couldn't comprehend it because he'd built me up to be some strong woman who didn't need a man or didn't care about him. I don't know...

 

It makes me have the same questions as you though, like if I don't tell him how I feel or reassure him that I am still there and want to be with him then will he just take it as I couldn't care less? I can't do much as he's seeing someone else now but I know exactly where you're coming from in wondering that.

 

@texxxxas - Thanks so much for letting me know that I'm not alone. Most of the cases I read in this forum are clingy gfs, so I've been trying to find examples of people like me. May I know how long after the breakup did he go out with the other girl? Neither you nor him initiated NC in the end?

 

Sometimes I can't help but to wonder if I'd done all the should'ves, would'ves and could'ves, could we have avoided the breakup? It's heartbreaking when you actually cared for him, but he thought otherwise. Dealing with an insecure bf needs a totally different approach than the alpha males I guess. Or would it be a better match if I'd gone for an alpha male? Hmm...

[stayingcalm]

You do not want him back unless he is saying to you "Stayingcalm, I made a huge mistake. I am so sorry. I do not want to be broken up. Can we try again? Can we work through this together?" ANYTHING short of that you should cut him off and set him adrift. He doesn't get to come back on his terms alone.

@kendahke - I really hope to hear that from him soon! In the meantime, as per your advice, I'll try to be strong and live positively. Thank you very much for the comforting words.

[elaine567]

There are a bucket load of reasons why he left the group almost as soon as you entered.

Do not make up stories as to what he thinks, you don't know.

You may think he is hurting or angry, but you do not know that. Sometimes breaking up gives a dumper a huge feeling of relief, once the initial emotional phase is past.

You may choose to think he is a mess, but in reality he may be having a great time.

It may have been a pure coincidence, he logged off you logged on, maybe he doesn't want to talk to you any more as he has moved on and you are history, maybe he is dating or has a gf and doesn't want any awkward stuff played out in public.

He dumped you, not the the other way around. He made that decision and I doubt he wants you back, most dumpers if they are truly honest, don't want to go back.

They may get caught up in the emotion of the break up event, but most have thought about leaving for quite a while before they pluck up enough courage to actually do it.

 

Sorry, but you need to get on with your own life here and not keep hankering back to a broken relationship.

[stayingcalm]

It may have been a pure coincidence, he logged off you logged on, maybe he doesn't want to talk to you any more as he has moved on and you are history, maybe he is dating or has a gf and doesn't want any awkward stuff played out in public.

 

@elaine567 - Actually on Whatsapp, when you're added to a Group, you'll stay there until you actively select "Leave Group". So it's not the log-in, log-off type of situation like messenger for example. Just wanted to clarify this.

 

And yes, you're right to highlight that while I may be pining for us to get back together, I also need to be mindful that there's a possibility of it not happening.