D-Day - My Story

[DKT3]

He didn't move out because of me. It was already this way, when our affair started. My (now-ex)MM never met my son. That was my choice. I have a good relationship with my sons Dad and his wife and my son lives between us. He is nearly 12.

 

I wouldn't say I trust so easily. I did honestly know things were not right and I tried several times to end things but he pulled me back in with his words. I gave up in the end and humbly accepted seeing him like this was less painful than not seeing him at all.

 

I did see all the red flags... I just didnt want to believe them.

 

You're right. In 2012 I was badly hurt by my ex-boyfriend. This wasn't even one of the worst experiences I've been through. I'm so tired. I would just like to find a nice decent man.

 

I'm not trying to be mean, and this is exactly what I told my sister some years ago. If you keep dating *********s then there is a problem with YOU. Stop dating the same guy with a different name. Change the TYPE of guys you date, stop ignoring the red flags and putting some much hope in their words. Start judging them only on actions. If a man wants YOU wholeheartedly he will show you in actions. To sum it up stop dating snake oil salesman who pulls you in with word then treats you like $h!t.

[gettingstronger]

I agree with DKT3- now that you have the benefit of experience from bad relationships use this to set the bar higher- make sure someone is worthy of you, in words and action- make no excuses, make no apologies-protect you!

[Popsicle]

if the W stays, there is no need to feel sorry for her.

[rie05]

if the W stays, there is no need to feel sorry for her.

 

I'm not sorry now. It's her choice to give it a go. I just feel sorry about what she has been through and the fact that he didn't stand by her.

 

I can't stop thinking about all of this. It's driving me crazy. I keep thinking I know he won't last there. I know it will drive him crazy. I know he will miss me. I am crazy. He dropped me like a ton of bricks. Why do I keep thinking like this?

[rie05]

Their marriage sounds quite messy but what sticks out to me in this story is their need to unite against you as a person- that just seems off to me- I am a BS- when Dday hit, I told my husband to go see our OW in person to break it off (if thats what he wanted to do) to bring as much closure as possible right off the bat-I wanted reconciliation to be just about us- (she continues to intrude 2 years later so right now things are a bit different than at the start)

 

I guess what I am trying to say, is their marriage dynamic seems screwed up in that they need to blame game, they need to bully you to heal them- I can not see that working-

 

As for you, hindsight is 20/20- prior to my experience with infidelity I doubt I would have looked so closely for red flags, etc... I would assume a man living apart from his wife was seperated and headed towards divorce-although no my ideal, it probably would not have been a deal killer-

 

In the end, I guess none of that really matters because you need to work on getting past this- my advice as always is to focus on you and get selfish- work out, read, do yoga-something, anything that focuses on you for a bit every day-

 

Good luck-

 

I won't intrude. I will stay well away. Blocking me everyday possible and changing his number should be enough of a sign that he doesn't want to talk to me

[Nolan 93]

Not all men are bad, I'm 21 and honestly I'm mature for my age. I was the best bf I could be to my current ex spoiled her, loved her, reassured her, held her, listened to her, just treat her how a lady should be treated. After nine months she dumped me to go back to the ex that was immature and wanted to explore meaning to **** other girls. So honestly she threw a good guy away, but I relaize she is young and she's probably not ready for what I have to bring to the table. But I don't hate her, just think she's confused and immature.

 

I was 100% commited and honestly I know better not to cheat on my partner. I would try and fix things in the relationship and if I didn't see improvement I would move on, at least I made an effort to try and fix things.

 

So not all men are bad, but a majority are lol

[Poppy47]

Not all men are bad, I'm 21 and honestly I'm mature for my age. I was the best bf I could be to my current ex spoiled her, loved her, reassured her, held her, listened to her, just treat her how a lady should be treated. After nine months she dumped me to go back to the ex that was immature and wanted to explore meaning to **** other girls. So honestly she threw a good guy away, but I relaize she is young and she's probably not ready for what I have to bring to the table. But I don't hate her, just think she's confused and immature.

 

I was 100% commited and honestly I know better not to cheat on my partner. I would try and fix things in the relationship and if I didn't see improvement I would move on, at least I made an effort to try and fix things.

 

So not all men are bad, but a majority are lol

 

Not all men are bad. I was happily married to a treasure of a man for 35 years...didn't have any idea about bad men.

 

Than again, no all women are good either.

 

It the statistics on infiedlity are to be believed, it's almost 50/50 now.

 

Poppy.

[rie05]

Not all men are bad. I was happily married to a treasure of a man for 35 years...didn't have any idea about bad men.

 

Than again, no all women are good either.

 

It the statistics on infiedlity are to be believed, it's almost 50/50 now.

 

Poppy.

 

I know not all men are bad but for some reason I always steer away from the nice ones. My ex-MM excited me in ways I could of never imagined. I'm still bewildered to think that I meant nothing to him. Why would he have put so much effort in? I know none of it matters now.

 

I'm 31 this year. I think I am reasonably attractive. I make lots of effort with my appearance. I have a good job. I own my own home. I'm caring and loving. I would put lots of effort into a relationship after learning from many of my previous failures. I did with ex-MM. Maybe that's why he felt I was such a pushover but in reality I just wanted him to be happy. He told her "I wouldn't be seen walking down the street with her". So nasty.

 

I feel like I have so much to offer someone. All my friends are married. It's depressing.

[rie05]

I can't believe the stuff he is posting on FB right now.... He had blocked me but I was sad enough to find a way around that. I'm pathetic.

[gettingstronger]

You are not pathetic, but you are not doing yourself any good stalking his FB page-

 

I have a few friends not married by 30 and it was really hard on them- they were all happily married by 40- they approached it 3 different ways

 

1. met her husband in a book club- she is an avid reader so she decided that was a good way to meet like minded men

 

2. met her husband through those active single clubs- here in CO we have them where singles go hiking, skiing, whatever-great, fun, low stress way to meet people

 

3. met her husband through online dating- at first she was like, I am paying for dates- I said, who cares, you pay for drinks at the bar to meet guys-no difference there-

 

Point being, none met them by dating unavailable men- all decided that finding a suitable mate was important so they made themselves a priority and the rest just followed-

 

Go out, have some fun and I hope you find someone awesome in the process-

[GirlStillStrong]

I'm not sorry now. It's her choice to give it a go. I just feel sorry about what she has been through and the fact that he didn't stand by her.

 

I can't stop thinking about all of this. It's driving me crazy. I keep thinking I know he won't last there. I know it will drive him crazy. I know he will miss me. I am crazy. He dropped me like a ton of bricks. Why do I keep thinking like this?

 

Because, rie05, that is how sick people affect you. Wouldn't you prefer to have piece of mind again? Did you have this crazy, obsessive thinking and did you have to spend so much time posting on a web page seeking support before this person came into your life? People who are married but pretend they are not while pursuing a relationship with you are SICK. IDK what kind of sickness it is exactly but if you ask me they have a character or personality disorder. If you let that kind of person into your life, and you fall for their story or buy their snake oil, it has lasting effects on you and your life. If you want to get better you have to treat them like a cancer and cut them out of your life and then zap yourself with chemo or radiation to kill what is left of them in your system. Coming out of denial about who and what this guy is would be a good start. I can't believe you buy his act about suffering in his marriage. He's a child throwing a temper tantrum and you still think of him as a man. Both this guy and his spouse have now drawn you into their dysfunction and you go willingly. Why are you attracted to all this drama and inviting it into your life?

[Lion Heart]

Hi rie

I am a BW and have steered away from reading anything written by OPs maybe because it's only been 5 weeks and 2 days since D Day for me.

But I kept reading your thread.

IMO you are are betrayed girlfriend.

Sure he cheated on his wife too.

That's just what they're expert at!

 

In my 49 years I've had mountains of conversations about relationships with SO many people. I'm sure we all have.

Through your thread I've seen themes either stated implicitly or danced around. People are trying to help you quickly.

I hope I can help you by being explicit, delivered with pure intent but I'm a no BS person. I want to give you a truth I've learnt and an example that illustrates that truth. I hope it helps you find a much better man. You will but not until you've learnt what not to do.

 

Married people are just that. Married.

IMO all married people are married UNTIL they're divorced.

Weak, manipulative, married people will SAY WHAT EVER THEY HAVE TO TO GET WHAT EVER THEY WANT OUTSIDE THEIR MARRIAGE. ANYTHING AND USUALLY TO ANYONE.

It's the flesh they want, ready and easy. They've got enough commitment in their marriage. You're worth more than a hefty rumble in the sack a coupla times a week.

 

a positive example of a committed married person is moi.

This has happened numerous times when I've been out with my friends and even in front of my husband!

"So...are you married? " me - uh yeah! See these wedding rings? I'm married. "You're married right but are you happily married"

None of your business. I'm married. See my husband. See my rings, HEAR MY WORDS. I'M MARRIED.

"Blah blah blah" RIGHT I'M JUST AS MARRIED NOW AS I WAS 2 MINUTES AGO WHEN YOU FIRST ASKED NOW **** OFF

And variations of above. I don't go out much and it's happened at least 10 times.

It will be this way until I'm divorced and not before because if I REALLY WANT the next relationship I'm gonna start on as level a playing field as possible. No marriages for either party at the start. Not fair to anyone including spouses, children, families or yourself.

 

If you find that a guy is married. Run. He'll try to "reel you in" with... "I'm married BUT ... (at this point you lose eye contact, look around the room, find a friend and walk)...but but my wife doesn't love me. ..I'm only there for the children. ..we've got a business together. ..I've filed for divorce. ..she's had an affair. ..I'm broken hearted.... (you can write this with me rie, you know their caper, we all do when we see it written explicitly).

"Married" means swimming with the crocodiles! With him, his wife, gosh in my case my mil got the AP sacked from her volunteer religious job. Her only job. Her reputation is mud in the only circles she mixed in. Because of her part in an affair with a married man. I totally and entirely blame my husband as a level headed BW would. But you never know how a relationship will end in the BEST of beginnings. Crikeys if it STARTS in a marriage of any type at all, what are the chances of it being good for you? You're just not giving yourself a fighting chance.

It ends bad because it started bad. IMO.

 

NC!!! You came to LS to get answers a long time ago.

We are faceless posts but people are feeling for you, caring about you and want what you want for you:

1. An end to your pain

2. To drag you out of the hole and

3. To breathe a new life into you

 

Let us.

 

YOUR NEW LIFE! ! Yay it's here!

Redesign yourself to feel absolutely, totally and completely

WORTHY of a really great relationship. With yourself.

Treat yourself as you would a heart broken friend. Tell her what to do. Do it. Be your own best friend in the world, after all you're stuck with yourself for ..... the rest of your amazing, wonderful and exciting life.

 

Raise up your standards. You're so worth it. You can do it.

 

Lion Heart

[rie05]

Because, rie05, that is how sick people affect you. Wouldn't you prefer to have piece of mind again? Did you have this crazy, obsessive thinking and did you have to spend so much time posting on a web page seeking support before this person came into your life? People who are married but pretend they are not while pursuing a relationship with you are SICK. IDK what kind of sickness it is exactly but if you ask me they have a character or personality disorder. If you let that kind of person into your life, and you fall for their story or buy their snake oil, it has lasting effects on you and your life. If you want to get better you have to treat them like a cancer and cut them out of your life and then zap yourself with chemo or radiation to kill what is left of them in your system. Coming out of denial about who and what this guy is would be a good start. I can't believe you buy his act about suffering in his marriage. He's a child throwing a temper tantrum and you still think of him as a man. Both this guy and his spouse have now drawn you into their dysfunction and you go willingly. Why are you attracted to all this drama and inviting it into your life?

 

 

I knew he was married but he made out they didn't get along what so ever anymore. It was easy to suck up as he wasn't living there. You are right though. The pictures he posted today on FB really look as if they were in love. Why cheat if you are happy and in love? I don't get that at all. Someone commented on the picture - "You look so in love" and the BS replied "I thought so at the time".

 

One thing is for certain though. I obviously meant nothing.

[ladydesigner]

I knew he was married but he made out they didn't get along what so ever anymore. It was easy to suck up as he wasn't living there. You are right though. The pictures he posted today on FB really look as if they were in love. Why cheat if you are happy and in love? I don't get that at all. Someone commented on the picture - "You look so in love" and the BS replied "I thought so at the time".

 

One thing is for certain though. I obviously meant nothing.

 

I bet almost every MM has said this. They may not get along, but it doesn't give someone permission to cheat.

[jellybean89]

Block him on FB so you will stop obsessing.

 

What worries me the most is it sounds like you will take him back. Is that true? Please answer honestly.

[rie05]

Block him on FB so you will stop obsessing.

 

What worries me the most is it sounds like you will take him back. Is that true? Please answer honestly.

 

Worst thing is, I would think about it if it was just me. Sucked back into an affair? No.

Edited January 21, 2015 by rie05
Spelling

[Lion Heart]

Well done rie. You labeled as it was. An affair. You didn't know you were having "an affair" as the "other woman". At the time I bet you thought he was more or less your boyfriend?

He had moved on from his marriage. Not so.

 

 

That sucked PAST TENSE. When you continue to put this relationship in the past tense, you continue to place it in the past (or rubbish bin) where it belongs.

 

Just wanted to give you a cheer!!

 

Lion Heart.

[rie05]

Well done rie. You labeled as it was. An affair. You didn't know you were having "an affair" as the "other woman". At the time I bet you thought he was more or less your boyfriend?

He had moved on from his marriage. Not so.

 

 

That sucked PAST TENSE. When you continue to put this relationship in the past tense, you continue to place it in the past (or rubbish bin) where it belongs.

 

Just wanted to give you a cheer!!

 

Lion Heart.

 

 

I need to start thinking of the whole thing in the past tense. I feel like I'm waiting for him to contact me. I really need to move on from this. It was not me he loved. I just have to get that into my thick head!!

 

Sigh... Hope this gets easier soon

[GoldieLox]

I feel like I'm waiting for him to contact me.

 

Don't get held up on this- you're going to drive yourself batst crazy. I know you said he blocked your number, but you should block his number as well just incase he suddenly has a "change of heart".

[rie05]

Don't get held up on this- you're going to drive yourself batst crazy. I know you said he blocked your number, but you should block his number as well just incase he suddenly has a "change of heart".

 

It is driving me mad. He has changed his number so I can't block him. It's highly unlikely he will contact me now anyway. I just need to forget him but I can't. It truely loved the ass****!!

[rie05]

It is driving me mad. He has changed his number so I can't block him. It's highly unlikely he will contact me now anyway. I just need to forget him but I can't. It truely loved the ass****!!

 

I feel like it's finally starting to sink in... slowly... The realisation that I never meant anything to him is so tough...

[Jesuischarlie]

Do not read their FAKEBOOK. It's another lie!!!

[ladydesigner]

I feel like it's finally starting to sink in... slowly... The realisation that I never meant anything to him is so tough...

 

Well I would say you meant something or he wouldn't have risked his M for it. I am both a WS and a BS. Being NC is very difficult, but you will get through this to the other side and will be more aware of these kinds of situations in the future. On the flip side being a BS, we also feel like we meant nothing after we discover the A and in my case my WH continued his A for another 2 years that I thought we were reconciling. I feel like I never meant anything to my WH.

 

Try to be kind to yourself and forgive and heal from this. I'm so sorry you are in so much pain.

[rie05]

Well I would say you meant something or he wouldn't have risked his M for it. I am both a WS and a BS. Being NC is very difficult, but you will get through this to the other side and will be more aware of these kinds of situations in the future. On the flip side being a BS, we also feel like we meant nothing after we discover the A and in my case my WH continued his A for another 2 years that I thought we were reconciling. I feel like I never meant anything to my WH.

 

Try to be kind to yourself and forgive and heal from this. I'm so sorry you are in so much pain.

 

I feel like I can't cope with it all. I just wish I could speak to him alone and hear it from him alone... I know that can't happen and I know I've got to respect he has made his choice. That alone should tell me everything. Yet I'm so sad, I just can't stand to be without him.... It's my day off work today and I haven't left my house.... I'm so sad

 

I'm so sorry your husband continued to do that behind your back

Edited January 22, 2015 by rie05

[ladydesigner]

I feel like I can't cope with it all. I just wish I could speak to him alone and hear it from him alone... I know that can't happen and I know I've got to respect he has made his choice. That alone should tell me everything. Yet I'm so sad, I just can't stand to be without him.... It's my day off work today and I haven't left my house.... I'm so sad

 

I'm so sorry your husband continued to do that behind your back

 

Thank you. Do you have anyone in RL you can lean on for support during this time? The grieving and coping is very difficult after an A ends because of how isolated A's tend to be. Speaking with a therapist helps a lot too and reading books and of course posting on sites like these help get it out too.