D-Day - My Story

[rie05]

Thank you. Do you have anyone in RL you can lean on for support during this time? The grieving and coping is very difficult after an A ends because of how isolated A's tend to be. Speaking with a therapist helps a lot too and reading books and of course posting on sites like these help get it out too.

 

Not too many people know about my A and I feel like the ones that do know are sick and tired of hearing about it. I made him my life. I made so much time for him. You're absolutely right. They do make you isolated. I'm trying to stay strong but when I'm alone it eats me up. I made him the centre of my world and now I feel so lost, especially as I meant so little to him

[Jesuischarlie]

Well it's like a death. I think if I didn't have any chance of seeing mm again.... I mean accidentally... I would take it. Sometimes I think it would be better he was dead for what our affair did and is still doing my life.... I mean at least then I would never feel that pull to talk to him when he's staring me in the face constantly... Everywhere i go... It's where we met. How I could move on. If you are not any where you could see him... Well believe me that's better. I not only see him. I find suddenly BS pops up out of nowhere. I cannot imagine being her it would drive me nuts knowing he was seeing me for many years.

[rie05]

Well it's like a death. I think if I didn't have any chance of seeing mm again.... I mean accidentally... I would take it. Sometimes I think it would be better he was dead for what our affair did and is still doing my life.... I mean at least then I would never feel that pull to talk to him when he's staring me in the face constantly... Everywhere i go... It's where we met. How I could move on. If you are not any where you could see him... Well believe me that's better. I not only see him. I find suddenly BS pops up out of nowhere. I cannot imagine being her it would drive me nuts knowing he was seeing me for many years.

 

She... well now THEY live where I work. Looks like he survived a week at least. Today was the first day I drove past and didn't burst into tears. I'm past his BS. I know what I'm worth. I'm not listening to his second hand put downs from his wife. I don't believe for one minute he is happy there. F*** it!!

[Hope Shimmers]

She... well now THEY live where I work. Looks like he survived a week at least. Today was the first day I drove past and didn't burst into tears. I'm past his BS. I know what I'm worth. I'm not listening to his second hand put downs from his wife. I don't believe for one minute he is happy there. F*** it!!

 

No, he isn't happy there. He is doing damage control to save his own sorry skin.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. Apparently there are adult males in this world who aren't narcissistic jerks, although I have yet to meet one.

 

This guy lied to you, but he wasn't "pretending". He felt things for you and your relationship the same as you did. The difference is that he made the choice of his marriage (like all of these "men" do) when the rubber met the road. Because that's the easiest road for him to take.

 

He doesn't love his wife. "Men" who love their wives don't treat them that way. He loves himself. Period.

 

Be glad you're not her and find someone better.

[rie05]

No, he isn't happy there. He is doing damage control to save his own sorry skin.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. Apparently there are adult males in this world who aren't narcissistic jerks, although I have yet to meet one.

 

This guy lied to you, but he wasn't "pretending". He felt things for you and your relationship the same as you did. The difference is that he made the choice of his marriage (like all of these "men" do) when the rubber met the road. Because that's the easiest road for him to take.

 

He doesn't love his wife. "Men" who love their wives don't treat them that way. He loves himself. Period.

 

Be glad you're not her and find someone better.

 

Thanks for this...

 

I'm just taking what I know as facts and anything he said as half truths. None of it matters anymore. I miss him terribly and I know I have to move on. I'm sure he did have feelings for me....

[irishguy]

You need to block him so he cant contact you again ever .Seriously stop waiting for him and his wife to split ,it wont happen .Why do you think his behaviour was ok ,why would you give him another chance after what he said , she didnt make him say the things he did . And get off facebook if you cant stop stalking .

[MJJean]

No, he isn't happy there. He is doing damage control to save his own sorry skin.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. Apparently there are adult males in this world who aren't narcissistic jerks, although I have yet to meet one.

 

This guy lied to you, but he wasn't "pretending". He felt things for you and your relationship the same as you did. The difference is that he made the choice of his marriage (like all of these "men" do) when the rubber met the road. Because that's the easiest road for him to take.

 

He doesn't love his wife. "Men" who love their wives don't treat them that way. He loves himself. Period.

 

Be glad you're not her and find someone better.

 

You don't know that. Fankly, there are plenty of both men and women who do indeed love their spouses and still have affairs.

 

Sex=/= emotion.

 

We, as a species, seem perfectly capable of separating the love we feel for one person and the sex we're having with others.

[Hope Shimmers]

You don't know that. Fankly, there are plenty of both men and women who do indeed love their spouses and still have affairs.

 

Maybe in your world that works. Maybe in your world, "men" can have affairs/cheat on their wives and lie about it for years on end while being intimate with another woman both physically and emotionally (and vice versa gender-wise). Maybe that works for you - that respect doesn't have to be a part of loving someone, or that "loving" someone is meaningful without respecting them. Not in my world.

 

Sex=/= emotion.

 

We, as a species, seem perfectly capable of separating the love we feel for one person and the sex we're having with others.

 

If you say so. It's certainly nothing to be proud of. As I already stated, men are narcissistic jerks.

 

I don't think most "men" (using the term loosely) who do this have enough emotional intelligence/maturity to effectively lie to a woman well enough that she believes he cares for her when he doesn't. Many of these "men" do in fact have feelings (sometimes strong feelings) for these other women. Just like they can separate love from sex, many can separate the love they have for their wives from the love they feel for their OW. It's not always just all about sex.

[rie05]

Maybe in your world that works. Maybe in your world, "men" can have affairs/cheat on their wives and lie about it for years on end while being intimate with another woman both physically and emotionally (and vice versa gender-wise). Maybe that works for you - that respect doesn't have to be a part of loving someone, or that "loving" someone is meaningful without respecting them. Not in my world.

 

 

 

If you say so. It's certainly nothing to be proud of. As I already stated, men are narcissistic jerks.

 

I don't think most "men" (using the term loosely) who do this have enough emotional intelligence/maturity to effectively lie to a woman well enough that she believes he cares for her when he doesn't. Many of these "men" do in fact have feelings (sometimes strong feelings) for these other women. Just like they can separate love from sex, many can separate the love they have for their wives from the love they feel for their OW. It's not always just all about sex.

 

Unfortunately in this case, I do think it was about the sex... It was a highly passionate PA & EA. He is a self confessed sex addict. I did feed his addiction. I loved it too... but with him. I was totally in love with him.

 

I think his wife puts him down a lot. He always complained about it. The fact that she didn't respect him. This was apparent in our phone conversation as she put him down to me too...

 

Anyway... I feel like I'm doing better. It's been a whole week NC tonight. I do miss him. I don't miss the drama. I could never forgive him for this whole sorry mess... Good luck to them!

[jellybean89]

Did you really expect his wife to say what a great man/hubby he is after finding out he was having sex with someone else? And no man is gonna tell his mistress that his wife is amazing and they have this true connection. That won't bode well with getting her into bed.

[rie05]

Did you really expect his wife to say what a great man/hubby he is after finding out he was having sex with someone else? And no man is gonna tell his mistress that his wife is amazing and they have this true connection. That won't bode well with getting her into bed.

 

It was a long time ago & he was venting about it at the time... Obviously having an affair is awful and I felt genuinely bad for her but she also was putting him down about how he is a cr** Dad and about his appearance too..

 

Anyway!! You're missing the point!! It no longer matters and their relationship is totally none of my concern!!

[Lion Heart]

It is driving me mad. He has changed his number so I can't block him. It's highly unlikely he will contact me now anyway. I just need to forget him but I can't. It truely loved the ass****!!

 

Calling as it was again, WELL DONE.

You can beat yourself up as much as you want but you ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE!

Make a Conclusion to sum up your relationship (as Scientists do at THE END of an experiment even if they predicted a different outcome). Something like this:

"I was used by _____ very badly Indeed.

He put me in a position of being "the other woman" and I never would have taken up that position had I known.

He used me for rumpy pumpy and then threw me under a bus or a full depot of busses when the crunch came.

F*** him!

I know what I am worth!

I KNOW I DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN HIM!

My next "experiment" will consist of (such and such then write your list INCLUDING "MUST BE SINGLE" "

 

Now off you go.

You cut him loose.

Well done!

You've now got your amazing self to work on.

Lucky you!

You're free! "

[TG1]

Hi... I haven't posted for some time but I've been reading through this forum throughly for the last year.

 

I've been involved in an affair for the last year. My MM did not live with his wife but with his Mum. He always told me he officially stayed with his wife because of their young son but they did not get along at all. He always stressed how much he loved his son and she would limit contact with him and that he was not ready to not see his son so often and that he came before anything else. I thought I guess that's fair enough.

 

We used to text most of the day and I would feel like I was walking on air. I couldn't wait to see him. I ached for it. We used to see each other a few times a week or sometimes every other day. He stayed at mine and we would have the most amazing sex that would last for ages. It was so passionate. It never got boring or old. We would snuggle for the night and he would leave for work in the morning. I was.... I am so much in love with him. I do admit looking back that I can see sex was a massive part of our relationship.

 

This Tuesday it all blew up in my face..... I received lots of missed calls and a text from his wife demanding that I spoke to her. She claimed to know where I lived and worked. She had found an email receipt of something he'd sent me. He had to confess something but it was far from the truth.

 

I left work and I called her back. I was in panic. I found myself protecting MM somewhat. I said that I had chased him. I tried to minimise the damage by lying. She asked me if I loved him and I said I did but that he didn't love me back. MM had always said she was a loose cannon and I would be in trouble if she ever found out. The first thing out of her mouth was an insult followed by "You're in trouble". I managed to end the call. I can't even remember how. MM called me as soon as he left.... He apologised to me & thanked me for what I had said. In the phone call she had also declared that they got on well and just the previous night.. they had been to a hotel. They didn't stay the night. She said they'd been at it all evening. He had to admit this.

 

The next day went so fast and MM assured me everything would be okay and now we could be together. He claimed he wished it had happened differently. He said he needed to sort things out so I left him to do so.

 

It was now Thursday and MM had been in contact with me the whole time. I told him I wasn't sure if I could forgive him for all the lies but he reassured me and told me things would be different now. That we could be together properly. By mid-day Thursday he told me he was changing his phone number because she was going mental. He told me not to worry. That he knew my number off by heart and that he would find a way to contact me that evening. He didn't. I drove to his (5 mins from mine) and he was home so I sent a text to his email address which was delivered. Immediately his wife text me "Why are you f****** texting him?" I drove home and she called me. She said... "He is coming home tomorrow". I couldn't believe it.

 

Only the day before I told him -- Please be honest with me. If you want to go back to her just say so and I'll walk and say absolutely nothing. Lie to me now and I will tell her everything". -- No -- it's you I want. He said.

 

After she told me he was going home, she added him to the phone call -- all 3 of us! We ended up having a 6 hour 3 way phone call. The whole truth came out. Every last bit. He said awful things about me. That he never loved me. That he just used me for sex. That I was addicted to him and would have done anything for him. She told me her story and it made me so sad. I felt sad for her. We even spoke for another hour after he got off of the phone. She was such a nice lady!

 

I'm so sad. Maybe I was addicted to him but I was sure he felt the same. He has blocked me everyday possible.... I loved him so much. I need to figure out a way to stop men taking such advantage of me...

 

Thank God that you were not pregnant or thank God that you are not pregnant with your ex MM's baby because if you were then that would just complicate things even more especially considering he's married and already has a child but if you had ended up pregnant then it would have been a whole hell of a lot worse

[rie05]

Thank God that you were not pregnant or thank God that you are not pregnant with your ex MM's baby because if you were then that would just complicate things even more especially considering he's married and already has a child but if you had ended up pregnant then it would have been a whole hell of a lot worse

 

I may have been stupid in lots of ways but I've been a single Mum and that's not something I wished to repeat. I've been very careful. I would have been happy just spending my life with him...

 

I am feeling better in myself but I can't get him off my mind. I wonder if he is thinking about me. Clearly not enough to change anything.

[Timshel]

Thank God that you were not pregnant or thank God that you are not pregnant with your ex MM's baby because if you were then that would just complicate things even more especially considering he's married and already has a child but if you had ended up pregnant then it would have been a whole hell of a lot worse

 

What is the purpose of bringing up a hypothetical situation that did not occur, thank heavens. As though there is not enough gas on the fire, now we event one?

 

I am glad rie05 that you are moving away from this situation. Stay on this track, you are worth more than this drama and no doubt if you keep your head clear, will some day wonder why you gave this nonsense a second thought.

Best wishes

[rie05]

What is the purpose of bringing up a hypothetical situation that did not occur, thank heavens. As though there is not enough gas on the fire, now we event one?

 

I am glad rie05 that you are moving away from this situation. Stay on this track, you are worth more than this drama and no doubt if you keep your head clear, will some day wonder why you gave this nonsense a second thought.

Best wishes

 

Thanks so much... I'm trying my best. I'm keeping my distance from it all. I'm trying to keep my mind from wondering about it all but it's not that easy. Part of me is dying to hear from him just so I know he actually cares and I can tell him to do one. I think I'll hear from him one day. Maybe not anyday soon but someday.

[rie05]

Thanks so much... I'm trying my best. I'm keeping my distance from it all. I'm trying to keep my mind from wondering about it all but it's not that easy. Part of me is dying to hear from him just so I know he actually cares and I can tell him to do one. I think I'll hear from him one day. Maybe not anyday soon but someday.

 

NC Day 11....

 

I'm doing ok. I wish I could get him out of my head. I swing from wishing I were still in the affair to thank god I'm out of it. I wish he had loved me that way I loved him....

 

I received a call on my mobile today from a blocked number. I answered and the other person hung up after hearing me say Hello. I never get calls from blocked numbers. It's sent my mind into overdrive thinking it's him...

[rie05]

I'm really struggling today. He has been on my mind all day... I couldn't shake it. I drove past their house on the way home and burst into tears which I haven't done for a few days... I just feel like I believe what he said now. That he didn't love me. How else could you walk away like that from someone you love?

[jellybean89]

Does it help you to move on if you believe he loved you? If so, why? The affair is still over, he still chooses to remain married. So help me understand why you need to believe he loved you.

[rie05]

Does it help you to move on if you believe he loved you? If so, why? The affair is still over, he still chooses to remain married. So help me understand why you need to believe he loved you.

 

I'm not sure if it does or if it doesn't... I guess you're right.... He didn't choose me. He choose her. He has just eradicated me from his life. That really hurts.... How could I love someone so much that thought that little of me in return?...

 

One of the last messages he sent me said..

 

"I'm so sorry for all the lies. I've really loved our time together but I never wanted to cause this much hurt... I can't wait to see you."

 

Apart from the last part... (at this point he was telling me that it was me he wanted....)

 

I think that was so cruel. Making me believe we would finally be together and then finding out it wasn't what he wanted.

 

I can't get him out of my head...

[Timshel]

You are hurting, I feel for you. You will get beyond all this and will be a better person. You will learn from this and be stronger. You will make better choices. You don't think so right now, but this will pass. You will love again.

 

Your heart is broken right now. I have not experienced this situation but we have ALL had our hearts broken, it sucks but pain deepens us and teaches compassion. Pain teaches us love.

 

Hang in there and when you are better, you will be, don't ever have this problem again.

[rie05]

You are hurting, I feel for you. You will get beyond all this and will be a better person. You will learn from this and be stronger. You will make better choices. You don't think so right now, but this will pass. You will love again.

 

Your heart is broken right now. I have not experienced this situation but we have ALL had our hearts broken, it sucks but pain deepens us and teaches compassion. Pain teaches us love.

 

Hang in there and when you are better, you will be, don't ever have this problem again.

 

Thank you. I've had a rough day today. Today marks two marks totally NC. I feel pretty gutted that he hasn't reached out to me at all.... I feel an overwhelming urge to contact him. I'm missing him so much...

 

I've cleaned my house top to bottom... Why can't I move past this? I clearly meant sod all....

[Timshel]

Thank you. I've had a rough day today. Today marks two marks totally NC. I feel pretty gutted that he hasn't reached out to me at all.... I feel an overwhelming urge to contact him. I'm missing him so much...

 

I've cleaned my house top to bottom... Why can't I move past this? I clearly meant sod all....

 

Good, clean it again, this time the cobwebs.

 

This is not going to be easy, but tell me, if you called the nut up and threw yourself at him, would you feel better?

 

You made a choice and it turns out to have been an unpleasant one. We have all done that. It isn't that you are suffering or made a bad decision that is important.

 

What you do when the poop hits the fan is what defines you. Now the poop has hit the fan. Who are you? Find your strength. Most often that involves finding a way to give to others. Clean another's house, muck out a barn, build a bridge. Reach out and stop looking at yourself. <3

[Ruffian1]

"Why cheat if you are happy and in love? I don't get that at all."

Because they are cake-eaters, they want it all, the wife, kids, home, good reputation and the girl on the side. Utterly and completely selfish and they only think of one person, themselves. That is why they hide the A relationship.

 

 

Why cheat at all?

 

 

Turn that around,

 

 

Why cheat if you are unhappy and not in love?

 

 

Why not talk to your spouse, get a D, then be with someone else.

 

 

Have a little respect for yourself.

[rie05]

Good, clean it again, this time the cobwebs.

 

This is not going to be easy, but tell me, if you called the nut up and threw yourself at him, would you feel better?

 

You made a choice and it turns out to have been an unpleasant one. We have all done that. It isn't that you are suffering or made a bad decision that is important.

 

What you do when the poop hits the fan is what defines you. Now the poop has hit the fan. Who are you? Find your strength. Most often that involves finding a way to give to others. Clean another's house, muck out a barn, build a bridge. Reach out and stop looking at yourself. <3

 

You're totally right. It would not make me feel better to throw myself at him. I just thought I would have heard something from him -- an apology perhaps. I'm posting here instead of doing something stupid. I'm trying to remain dignified.... I haven't reached out. I may be doing somersaults in my head but I'm really trying......