Blu72 Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 What finally made you go NC with your AP? And when you did was it mutual, was it discussed or done suddenly? Were there setbacks? Right now I'm struggling with the idea. I want to but not sure how to approach it and mean it. If and when I go NC, I'd prefer it to be known that's what I'm doing and not just do it with no warning. When I do it I want to know I'm completely ready enough where I know I won't fall back, because falling back would be the worst for me. Just curious as to how others' NC unfolded. Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 It was sort of an accident with me. I ended it, he spit out a few sentences and walked away, and hasn't spoken to me since. I never even had the chance to have the NC conversation with him. He didn't even tell me he was going NC, he just did it. Now why he went NC when I was the one who ended it is beyond me. I spent days running in circles in my head wondering if he was mad at me because I ended it, if he just didn't feel the need to talk to me anymore because I was done giving it up, whether it was because I crushed his ego, I'm just not sure. Now I realize it doesn't even matter. The only setback to this whole thing is I still work with him. It's terrible. The best thing for you to NOT fall back is to block every form of communication and mean it. Phone, email, social media. How did you meet him? If it was at the gym, at a church, etc, find a new one. If it was unlucky enough to be work, well. I'm not going to say find a new job because I know sometimes that's not always possible, but avoid him if you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Error. Deleted. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 I got to the point where I was stressed,upset most of the time, uncertain of what would happen next. I was always waiting for him to have time and then what we could do was very limited. Just decided that living like that in a secret relationship was a ****ty deal. I discussed it with him a lot. He was devestated but after all it's my life. We made a date and a time to meet. We talked for about 4 hours and then said goodbye. It was the best way to do it... no drama, no bad feelings. Just understanding each other. After 5 years, I couldn't go NC and walk away with nothing said. Poppy Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 (edited) What finally made you go NC with your AP? And when you did was it mutual, was it discussed or done suddenly? Were there setbacks? Right now I'm struggling with the idea. I want to but not sure how to approach it and mean it. If and when I go NC, I'd prefer it to be known that's what I'm doing and not just do it with no warning. When I do it I want to know I'm completely ready enough where I know I won't fall back, because falling back would be the worst for me. Just curious as to how others' NC unfolded. When I realized the pain of being the side guy exceeded the loving feelings I felt for exMW. When I realized the physical things that transpired between us also was happening with husband When I realized she probably was lying to me too about the real status of her marriage When I realized this was never going to end unless I did something. When I realized she was probably hurting too. When I realized there was no willingness to do the right thing on her part When I realized one day I woke up and couldn't look myself in the mirror anymore When I realized I was living a lie and helping someone else live a lie. When I realized all I got was words and no actions When I realized I was being denied all the things I deserve in life that the MW had. (A real relationship and a chance to build a life with someone) When I realized finally what I was doing was pretty shameful and became worse as time went on. When I realized that the only person that could improve my own life was myself. Edited January 19, 2015 by FusionCutter 9 Link to post Share on other sites
I'mNotYours Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 I tried NC many times, but always broke it. The last time we texted for a while and said goodbye. It was sad, but easier than before. I guess I just realized that nothing will change, so I should just stop breaking NC. Yes, I could break NC, he would reply and maybe we could even meet, but he would still be married and not mine. It just seems pointless to keep doing the same thing, when you know the result. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 When I realized I was being denied all the things I deserve in life that the MW had. (A real relationship and a chance to build a life with someone) THIS is probably the #1 reason and a great point! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 Thanks everyone for your responses. I have discussed in other threads my story a little bit here/there. I am a MW and I have known MM for 15 years having worked together for 12 of those years. He has been working for another company for the last 3 years. The affair started a little over a year before he left the company and has been going on in some capacity on/off ever since, so a little over 4 years now. There is no future faking, there are no ILYs although I am in love w/ him and I feel he feels the same way. I attempted to end it when it first began and he agreed as long as we could maintain the professional friendship. At the time I knew I could do that because it had only just begun and before all this him and I always worked great together. Prior to the affair, we were very professional and work friends...nothing out of the ordinary so this really came out of left field when he started pursuing me after so long. It was unexpected. So we agreed we had to stop...of course you know how this ends up. Everything went back to normal (for me anyway) and seemed to be going ok, but after 3 weeks of this he was trying to pull me back in. I talked w/ him about it and he said he was sorry and that he was 'trying' and having a hard time with it. It went good for a bit, but obviously we ended up right were we started. When he left the company, I figured it would be over even though he gave me the impression he didnt want it to be. I vowed to not contact him and let it go and knowing him I really thought he would let it/me fade away because of this new endeavor.Well within a month he started emailing me. We kept it to friendly emails once/twice a week for about 4 months - mostly him reaching out. He finally asked to meet for lunch and its been on/off since. Its been a constant roller coaster of emotions, I will tell myself daily that I want it to be over, but if I really did want it to be over I would make it so and I dont. I dont know what keeps me in this w/ him, especially after this long. I dont want to just go NC without discussing this w/ him because I don't want to hurt him by blindsiding him, and I feel if I just go NC he wont know that's what I am doing and he will eventually reach out and I will get weak and respond. I know if I told him I need this to be over and he felt I meant it he would respect the decision enough to let it go for me and he wouldnt contact. The times before when I tried to stop it, he knew and I knew it was half-hearted and not something I really wanted and that is why it never really stopped. I need to mean it, and follow thru or obviously I will be right back here. I am trying to get into therapy before I do this so I have something to help me thru it so I dont fall back. It's just hard. I think once I get enough distance from this, I would be ok and the likely hood of me failing back wouldnt be so bad. It's just getting to that point to where I have resigned myself to NC, thats the hard part. Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 I'd been looking to get out for a while. Just realized how self destructive the relationship was and how much it saturated my brain. Finally, I saw an opening and to tell you the truth I was angry at her. I sent her an angry email which she replied, "let me know when you want to talk.." Ball in my court, haven't contacted since. It's easy when you have a reason. After a week, you start feeling a lot better. After 2 weeks, you wonder, why go back? NO SOCIAL MEDIA. Go underground on your end and no cyber stalking on the other end. Do a list of things you love about that person vs. things you don't This really takes them off the pedestal. Whenever you have the urge, do the list again. My score was 14 reasons why I loved her vs. 22 why I didn't. Believe me you're more likely to find more reasons why you want out. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I need to mean it, and follow thru or obviously I will be right back here. Exactly. You need to want it badly enough and reach your breaking point, or you'll just fall back into it eventually. We all reach that point Blu, I have no doubt you'll reach it soon. Hang in there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 Back in the beginning when I tried to stop it he had made a comment along the lines that when I said no and meant it then he would leave it be. So the stage was set then that he wasn't going to end it unless I wanted it to end. I could have said it a million times but never really wanted it to end so here I am. Some days, especially lately, I feel I am closer to meaning it. I do know its close, just not sure I'm 100% there. Are you ever 100% there? Probably not. But I'm trying to work my way there. Thanks for all the advise and responses. Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Back in the beginning when I tried to stop it he had made a comment along the lines that when I said no and meant it then he would leave it be. So the stage was set then that he wasn't going to end it unless I wanted it to end. I could have said it a million times but never really wanted it to end so here I am. Some days, especially lately, I feel I am closer to meaning it. I do know its close, just not sure I'm 100% there. Are you ever 100% there? Probably not. But I'm trying to work my way there. Thanks for all the advise and responses. When you're ready to leave, you will leave. When that day comes. Find every resolve to stick to it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 How long have you all been NC? And did you have any slip ups? Did the AP try and reach out at all or did they respect your decision for NC? Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 How long have you all been NC? And did you have any slip ups? Did the AP try and reach out at all or did they respect your decision for NC? 3 weeks. All was well until a few days ago xMM started showing up in places he doesn't usually show up. Different hallways. Different corner of the lunch room. Different end of the parking lot. I wanted to yell out, "Can I f&$king help you?" but I didn't. I kept walking. My point is, sometimes they try and bait you and invoke a response. My guess is it's to feed their egos. No matter what they say, they probably don't miss you. They just miss what you stopped giving them (I'll let you fill in the blanks) Don't give into it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 I never discussed no contact I just did it... This is the third time... First time he broke it...second time I did.... This is the third time and I'm at two weeks and I really feel I'm going to be okay this time. I just don't feel the need as much.. I don't know why... Im just so tired and too busy for all the crap.... That's when you know you've had enough, when your just sick and tired of the drama and you realize that he is a jerk! Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 How long have you all been NC? And did you have any slip ups? Did the AP try and reach out at all or did they respect your decision for NC? 63 days, no slip ups, not even close. Was actually on business in the town she was from and the cabs I rode in passed her house a few times ( pretty main thoroughfare near my hotel) I just smirked, shook my head and kept moving forward. Not going back, don't care, not looking. Why would I cyberstalk? Boredom, period. Life's great again 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chasing_mya Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Blu, I struggled with going NC for so long and I won't lie, its very difficult for me. It's like you know the right thing to do but always find yourself being pulled back in. What made me go NC? *I was betraying myself & my family. *I was living a double life, a lie, and tired of seeing myself in the mirror. *Being with AP was killing me slowly a little inside every day..... *I didn't know who I was anymore. *He deserved to be with someone who is available and can give him what I couldn't, what he deserved. It's a daily struggle and there is no telling what the future holds for me but I know going NC is the best decision I could of ever made. Link to post Share on other sites
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