agoodperson Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Hi everyone. I'm hoping someone can give me some good advice. My wife just filled out a custody agreement that basically states that the 3 children will sleep at my house 6 out of 7 nights per week and we will split the days 50 50. She basically brings them back to my house to sleep on school days. During summer, we will split them 50 50 with overnight stays. Anyone have any opinions about this? She wants a divorce and moved out a week ago. I did find out she has a man on the side if that matters. Any help is appreciated...and yes I will have a lawyer look at it. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Hi everyone. I'm hoping someone can give me some good advice. My wife just filled out a custody agreement that basically states that the 3 children will sleep at my house 6 out of 7 nights per week and we will split the days 50 50. She basically brings them back to my house to sleep on school days. During summer, we will split them 50 50 with overnight stays. Anyone have any opinions about this? She wants a divorce and moved out a week ago. I did find out she has a man on the side if that matters. Any help is appreciated...and yes I will have a lawyer look at it. Well, what works best for your schedule? How would the weekend days work? It doesn't seem fair if she gets them while they're awake and you only get the while they're just about to be in bed. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Don't sign anything until your lawyer looks it over. Is this what you want? Are they going to stay at your house because you're in the sending district and she isn't? She should live in the same area as you do so that the kids can go to school no matter which house they're in. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Hi everyone. I'm hoping someone can give me some good advice. My wife just filled out a custody agreement that basically states that the 3 children will sleep at my house 6 out of 7 nights per week and we will split the days 50 50. She basically brings them back to my house to sleep on school days. During summer, we will split them 50 50 with overnight stays. Anyone have any opinions about this? She wants a divorce and moved out a week ago. I did find out she has a man on the side if that matters. Any help is appreciated...and yes I will have a lawyer look at it. And this is why you're gonna have the kids 6 out of 7 nights so she can go do as she pleases. So will the kids come to you before or after dinner? Will homework be done or will she make sure that's all on your time. These are things you need to sort out with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author agoodperson Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 Well, what works best for your schedule? How would the weekend days work? It doesn't seem fair if she gets them while they're awake and you only get the while they're just about to be in bed. I get them all day and night half of the week and on the other half, I get them at night only. She will only have them 1 full day and night a week and a couple of days during the week. I am okay with schedule even though I want them 24 7 as that is what I am use to. But they need to be with their mother...I just wish it was here. Link to post Share on other sites
DivorcedDad123 Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Sounds great! And, since courts see overnights as custody(not the amount of time spent) you'll be needing to have HER child support calculated that she pays you for the kids. Get this locked in ASAP! Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 And this is why you're gonna have the kids 6 out of 7 nights so she can go do as she pleases. So will the kids come to you before or after dinner? Will homework be done or will she make sure that's all on your time. These are things you need to sort out with her. Personally, I didn't give a fig what my ex was doing as long as I got to be with my kids and provide them with a sense of stability and with the care that they needed. You bring up a good point. I think the papers need to be detailed. I've seen too much drama over vaguely stated days, times, and other details like who pays for what. How will you handle it if an activity the kids participate in overlaps pick up/drop off time? What time, exactly, will you be handing the kids over to her and she to you? Who covers activities fees? That kind of thing. My friend and his ex have been divorced for more than 5 years and still argue like cats and dogs over exactly what "evening" means. He thinks it means around 6 pm, for example, and she thinks it's 8 pm. So specific pick up and drop off times are just easier. It's there in black and white, no arguments. My friend and his ex also argue about who pays for things like scouting and bowling, etc. He says his ex should pay for what she signs the kids up for and he should pay for what he signs the kids up for. Yet his ex keeps trying to insist he should pay for all activities. If they'd had who pays for what spelled out in the papers this wouldn't be a problem. I always tell people going through divorce and custody arrangements not to assume their working relationship with their former spouse will remain decent and to get every little detail hammered out and in writing. I get them all day and night half of the week and on the other half, I get them at night only. She will only have them 1 full day and night a week and a couple of days during the week. I am okay with schedule even though I want them 24 7 as that is what I am use to. But they need to be with their mother...I just wish it was here. That sounds like a good deal for you. You seem to be getting the kids the lions share of the time with their mother still being involved in their lives. If the scheduling works for you, I'd take that agreement once a lawyer has looked it over and made sure there isn't anything she can hang you with in court later. Link to post Share on other sites
Author agoodperson Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 Personally, I didn't give a fig what my ex was doing as long as I got to be with my kids and provide them with a sense of stability and with the care that they needed. You bring up a good point. I think the papers need to be detailed. I've seen too much drama over vaguely stated days, times, and other details like who pays for what. How will you handle it if an activity the kids participate in overlaps pick up/drop off time? What time, exactly, will you be handing the kids over to her and she to you? Who covers activities fees? That kind of thing. My friend and his ex have been divorced for more than 5 years and still argue like cats and dogs over exactly what "evening" means. He thinks it means around 6 pm, for example, and she thinks it's 8 pm. So specific pick up and drop off times are just easier. It's there in black and white, no arguments. My friend and his ex also argue about who pays for things like scouting and bowling, etc. He says his ex should pay for what she signs the kids up for and he should pay for what he signs the kids up for. Yet his ex keeps trying to insist he should pay for all activities. If they'd had who pays for what spelled out in the papers this wouldn't be a problem. I always tell people going through divorce and custody arrangements not to assume their working relationship with their former spouse will remain decent and to get every little detail hammered out and in writing. That sounds like a good deal for you. You seem to be getting the kids the lions share of the time with their mother still being involved in their lives. If the scheduling works for you, I'd take that agreement once a lawyer has looked it over and made sure there isn't anything she can hang you with in court later. Did and he told me to jump on it. Said it was the best thing for the kids. It will also mean I'm custodial parent. At least she is doing what is right for the kids. (Even if she left us all for another man:( ) Link to post Share on other sites
clevelander321 Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Do you work? I think the only possible issue is that you will never have a break, ever for the next 15 years or so? In a few months you might want to go on a date, trust me. I know right now it is all very sudden, and you are very scared about not seeing your kids (as was I), but it is very tough to work AND basically have your children way more than half of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 a good 50/50 split would be the 2-2-3 schedule as follows The 2-2-3 schedule In the 2-2-3 residential schedule, your child lives with one parent for 2 days of the week, the next 2 days with the other parent, and then 3 days with the first parent. The next week it switches. usually the 3 days is Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. and it alternates every week. So Mondays and Tuesdays you, Wed and Thurs her, fri sat and sun you, then the next week it switches to Mondays and tues her, etc That's if you wanna do a 50/50 split, from there birthdays and holidays and and any other special occasions need to be also planned out. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Hi everyone. I'm hoping someone can give me some good advice. My wife just filled out a custody agreement that basically states that the 3 children will sleep at my house 6 out of 7 nights per week and we will split the days 50 50. She basically brings them back to my house to sleep on school days. During summer, we will split them 50 50 with overnight stays. Anyone have any opinions about this? Sounds good to me. My exH had the kids every other weekend (Fri & Sat overnights) year-round and Wednesday nights for dinner (~5:30-8:30) for ten years, so I did majority overnights like you will. It’s nice that she’ll be doing 50% of the dinners, homework, after-school activity driving, etc. It should be livable. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 I did find out she has a man on the side if that matters. Obviously it matters to her, per her desire to have 6 of 7 nights free. You've gotten good advice here. What she's doing has long-term custody and support implications. Lock it in... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 (edited) Was child support also discussed in this agreement? Because, if you are the custodial parent, you're entitled to receive payments from her for their well being. Plus, that's going to hurt her finically. If she wants to have an affair, she's going to find out just how much that's going to cost her. And I think you stated that she is a teacher. Child support payments on 3 kids on a teacher's salary? She's not going to have much left over to play with. I have a feeling she won't be able to afford trips in the future and I don't see her drug addict boy toy that has a felony on his record coming up with the cash to come out and see her when he's probably got enough ass around where he lives that he doesn't have to spend money to get. And if he's got a felony on record and still under probation, he can't leave the state. Edited January 21, 2015 by Chi townD Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Did and he told me to jump on it. Said it was the best thing for the kids. It will also mean I'm custodial parent. At least she is doing what is right for the kids. (Even if she left us all for another man:( ) If you're getting your kids the lions share and the lawyer thinks she wouldn't be able to hang you for some obscure legal reason later, I hope you jumped on it! Good on you for caring and being a dad. I had two daughters with my ex. He has seen them a handful of times over the last 12 years since the divorce became final and sporadically during the separation before that. He's never paid a single penny for support or even bothered asking if the kids need something like shoes or backpacks. If it wasn't for my DH being willing to raise and support the kids they wouldn't have had a father figure in their lives. I have much love for men who step up and act like dads! Do you work? I think the only possible issue is that you will never have a break, ever for the next 15 years or so? In a few months you might want to go on a date, trust me. I know right now it is all very sudden, and you are very scared about not seeing your kids (as was I), but it is very tough to work AND basically have your children way more than half of the time. Yeah, I think that's called being a parent. If Agoodperson wants to go out he can do what everyone else does and hire a sitter, get a friend to sit, or ask their mom if she minds taking them for a few hours. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Was child support also discussed in this agreement? Because, if you are the custodial parent, you're entitled to receive payments from her for their well being. Plus, that's going to hurt her finically. If she wants to have an affair, she's going to find out just how much that's going to cost her. And I think you stated that she is a teacher. Child support payments on 3 kids on a teacher's salary? She's not going to have much left over to play with. I have a feeling she won't be able to afford trips in the future and I don't see her drug addict boy toy that has a felony on his record coming up with the cash to come out and see her when he's probably got enough ass around where he lives that he doesn't have to spend money to get. And if he's got a felony on record and still under probation, he can't leave the state. Maybe that's why she was willing to give up the majority of her time with the kids and let Agoodperson keep them in his home! Usually, once a parent finds out their co-parent ex is seeing someone with a record, they take it to the courts and the judge orders the felon be allowed nowhere near the kids. She knew she couldn't have both the kids and the felon in her home. If he's still on parole or probation he can apply to have it transferred to a new state if he has or claims to have a reason to move. He could tell his PO he wants to get married or that he has a job opportunity there and they'd let him transfer his case to a new state. The might be planning on living together at some point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author agoodperson Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 If you're getting your kids the lions share and the lawyer thinks she wouldn't be able to hang you for some obscure legal reason later, I hope you jumped on it! Good on you for caring and being a dad. I had two daughters with my ex. He has seen them a handful of times over the last 12 years since the divorce became final and sporadically during the separation before that. He's never paid a single penny for support or even bothered asking if the kids need something like shoes or backpacks. If it wasn't for my DH being willing to raise and support the kids they wouldn't have had a father figure in their lives. I have much love for men who step up and act like dads! Yeah, I think that's called being a parent. If Agoodperson wants to go out he can do what everyone else does and hire a sitter, get a friend to sit, or ask their mom if she minds taking them for a few hours. Thank you for comments. A little update. I filed the custody forms today for a judges approval. Once that is done, I have no more fears of her going and running off to this guy with the kids. The thing is, she still doesn't realize I know yet. It is literally killing me inside. I feel as though I am worthless because she was and still able to cast me aside after so many years of great love and family. This is a messed up situation that I feel will only get worse before getting better. I love my kids and try to stay strong for them. I begged her to come home today and she basically stayed quiet and said that she is happy there. I realize everyone will say move on, but that is easier said then done when you invested almost 17 years with another person. I know she fell out of love with me, but I never fell out of love her. I would love some words of advice. Link to post Share on other sites
ArtIsMyThing Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 My advice - stop looking at the wonderful 17 years, thats the past and now in your mind as a fantasy to cling to. Look at the now - she is with another man and she has handed her kids over - she has walked away from her life. Maybe in a year she will be sorry she did this but she is not sorry now. Hold onto the now. Not the future and not the past. The now. When you find your emotions wandering to the past and fantasizing how perfect it was ask yourself - is this true. Think of the now and ask yourself - is this true. Hang in their buddy - its early days for you and your children - think of the now. Big hugs to you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 I often flip things around in my mind when I'm feeling bad about something. I try my best to look for the good in a negative situation. OK. We all have those moments, and the begging thing was one of those moments you want to avoid, as it ends up hurting your dignity in the end. One way to flip "the begging to come home thing" is that you feign it was done purposely to threw out a red herring (as she has no idea you really know what is going on with her boy-toy). At lease, that would help my dignity out - somewhat. As well, you know now, by begging her to come home, that she prefers the alternative lifestyle she is covertly living (at the moment). I realize that is a soul crusher. Look at this situation very logically. This thang ain't gonna last - so please, please, keep your head together, and your self respect intact. To accept her freely back into the home AFTER knowing full well these escapades would not be wise, at this point in time. And, if you were to be hasty and somewhat unwise, and allow her back asap - sooner or later, the "emasculated" feeling is going to become intolerable. If you give time a chance to pass, and keep your grace and distance, you'll find out she may just come home on her own. If only if you can gather your composure that long, to survive the ego-hit, you are not going to want her when she returns after pumping a dirty young felon she chose over her family. Furthermore, you will never be able to trust her again, ever. You will always wonder, what the heck is she really up to? Doesn't sound like a promising future, even if you could have things exactly your way at this moment, does it? Yas Link to post Share on other sites
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