should I break off my engagement?

[shima]

should i break off engagement? is my fiance abousing?

I'm engaged and my relationship with my fiance is one day happy and i feel like a princess and the next day we fight and i just want to break off the engagement.* I know every relationship has its ups and down but he is the only one in our relationship who starts the fight. Hes extremely sensitive, and the things we fight about, other people would laugh at. When we fight he yells to the point that im scared from him, he littles me when hes mad and angry and apologise after we got back together. He wants me by his side 24/7, i dont have one day on my own. After school or work, i have to be with him up until 12 am. And i tried to talk about it with him and make him undrestand that i need time for myself, and all that has happened was more fight and he accuse me of playing hard to get, or making him feel like hes the one after me that i dont care if i see him or not. Second problem He wants me to be honest with him which is normal i want the same, but right from the start he wanted to know about my sex life before him, who i went out with, names and everything that happened and i wasnt comfortable with it so i only said my serious relationship which lasted 3 years, i didnt say about other people i dated and went out with, after a while which he turtured me into telling him everything, i told him after 6 month into the relationship,and he accused me of being untruthful and a lier. Since then he checks my phone, he wants to know where im going if hes at work, who im going out with, and my location has to be on all the time and he doesnt admit that he doesnt trust me, im not allowed to have guy friends which im fine with, but i cant even have a proper date with my girlfriend. He loves me alot, i know he does, but thinking about all this scares me to hell from marriage.

[Downtown]

is my fiance abusing?

Shima, welcome to the LoveShack forum. Yes, you are describing verbally abusive behavior. Moreover, the group of behaviors you describe -- i.e., the verbal abuse, irrational jealousy, temper tantrums, neediness, hating to be alone, lack of impulse control, lack of empathy, and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Moreover, the repeated cycle of push-you-away (by starting arguments over nothing at all) and pull-you-back is one of the hallmarks of folks having strong traits of BPD.

 

My relationship with my fiance is one day happy and i feel like a princess and the next day we fight and i just want to break off the engagement.* I know every relationship has its ups and down but he is the only one in our relationship who starts the fight.

If he is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), this drama is the type of behavior you should expect. And, given that it is occurring during your courtship period, you should expect it to get much worse after the wedding.

 

Hes extremely sensitive, and the things we fight about, other people would laugh at.

Again, this behavior is to be expected if he is a BPDer. Such people are extremely thin-skinned, being easily offended by innocent remarks that other people laugh at. This does not occur because they are bad people. Rather, it occurs because they have little control over their emotions, which results in their frequently experiencing very intense feelings. As you know, intense feelings distort one's perceptions of other peoples' intentions and motivations. This is why our judgment goes out the window whenever we experience intense feelings.

 

When we fight he yells to the point that im scared from him, he littles me when hes mad and angry and apologise after we got back together.

If he is a BPDer, he carries an enormous amount of hurt and anger deep inside at all times. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Instead, you only have to do or say some minor thing that TRIGGERS the anger that's always there. This is why BPDers are able to explode into a rage or temper tantrum in only ten seconds. Typically, those tantrums will last several hours. When they are over, the BPDer may flip back to adoring you as quickly as they started.

 

He wants me by his side 24/7... i tried to talk about it with him and make him undrestand that i need time for myself.

If he is a BPDer, he likely absolutely HATES to be alone. The reason is that, probably due to a trauma occurring before age five, a BPDer's emotional development froze in early childhood -- before he had a chance to develop a strong self image. He therefore has a strong need to be around someone with a strong personality who will help center and ground him -- giving him a sense of purpose and direction. Yet, when you do exactly that, a BPDer will resent you because he will feel you're trying to "control" him and suffocate him. It typically is the BPDer, however, who really is controlling and suffocating.

 

Right from the start he wanted to know about my sex life before him... Since then he checks my phone, he wants to know where im going if hes at work, who im going out with, and my location has to be on all the time and he doesnt admit that he doesnt trust me.

Because a BPDer is emotionally unstable, he has never learned how to trust himself. Until he is able to do that, he's incapable of trusting anyone else for very long. His greatest fear, then, is that his loved one will abandon him when she finds out how empty he is inside. This fear usually is most evident in irrational jealousy and the need to control the loved one's life.

 

He loves me a lot, i know he does, but thinking about all this scares me to hell from marriage.

If your fiance is an untreated BPDer, you should be scared. Granted, BPDers are able to love others. Indeed, they can love very intensely. Yet, because their emotional development is stuck at the level of a four year old, they love in the very immature way that a young child loves -- where the child flips rapidly back and forth between loving Mommy (when she brings out the toys) and hating Mommy (when she takes one toy away). This rapid flipping -- called "splitting" or "black-white thinking" -- occurs frequently when a person is so emotionally immature that he cannot handle strong mixed feelings or ambiguities.

 

As to your future with him, if you are still reluctant to walk away, I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. And, while you're looking for a good psychologist, I suggest you read more about the BPD red flags. Of course, you are not capable of diagnosing your Ex. Only a professional can do that. You nonetheless are fully capable of spotting the red flags for BPD if you take a little time to learn what warning signs to look for. There is nothing subtle about behaviors such as temper tantrums, irrational jealousy, and strong verbal abuse.

 

An easy place to start reading is my list at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Shima.

[Marco Valerio]

I bet his behaviour with you is because one his exes cheated on him. He's terribly afraid and insecure. If you've tried talking to him, then yes, you should think about it seriously, it would not get any better after marriage.

Edited January 19, 2015 by Marco Valerio

[Satu]

You most certainly should break off your engagement.

 

If left untreated, the kind of behaviours your fiancee is demonstrating tend to get worse over time.

 

Think very hard and deep about the effect his behaviour is having on you, and the likely consequences for your own mental and emotional health.

 

Call it off.

 

This relationship has no future.

[Ebelskiver]

I can tell you exactly what will happen if you marry this man. His irrational, jealous and abusive behaviors will continue and escalate. He will isolate you from your friends and family so that when he begins hitting you, you have no where to turn. He will achieve this by devaluing you and cutting you down so that you believe you are worthless. When you spend time with yourself or family/friends he will get angry and eventually to avoid the conflict you won't go see them.

 

He will take control of your finances so you don't have options to leave. He may get you pregnant and then he will laud his control over the both of you.

 

DO NOT stay!!!! He has all the traits of an abusive partner. He will not change, not for you. He has to realize that there is a problem, which he won't. Unfortunately the most dangerous time for you is when you decide to leave. You need to have some sort of escape plan. Somewhere to stay where he doesn't know where you are. Block him from your phone and social media. Tell your work that he isn't allowed in.

 

This may seem extreme but based on what you've said, the guy will not react kindly when you leave and you are most prone to violence at that time.

 

Read up on typical abusive partner patterns, you will be amazed at how he checks every one.

[Satu]

i can tell you exactly what will happen if you marry this man. His irrational, jealous and abusive behaviors will continue and escalate. He will isolate you from your friends and family so that when he begins hitting you, you have no where to turn. He will achieve this by devaluing you and cutting you down so that you believe you are worthless. When you spend time with yourself or family/friends he will get angry and eventually to avoid the conflict you won't go see them.

 

He will take control of your finances so you don't have options to leave. He may get you pregnant and then he will laud his control over the both of you.

 

Do not stay!!!! He has all the traits of an abusive partner. He will not change, not for you. He has to realize that there is a problem, which he won't. Unfortunately the most dangerous time for you is when you decide to leave. You need to have some sort of escape plan. Somewhere to stay where he doesn't know where you are. Block him from your phone and social media. Tell your work that he isn't allowed in.

 

This may seem extreme but based on what you've said, the guy will not react kindly when you leave and you are most prone to violence at that time.

 

Read up on typical abusive partner patterns, you will be amazed at how he checks every one.

 

^^this is true^^

[NoLeafClover]

He feels like you lied to him so he lost trust and is insecure, he probably doesn't want to be cheated on or get caught of guard. I think u should break it off simply because what is bothering, you are norms to him. Whether temporary or permanent... his behaviors is bothering you NOW.

I don't agree with splitting up with him by hidding and blocking him just like that. Do it the right way... don't be the person he was actually looking out for.

 

 

Would you like it if he broke up with you by cutting you out completely just like that even if a relationship is not what you wanted?

Don't be like some women who make a big deal out of everything and have to make a big deal when it comes to breaking up. You don't actually have to make a criminal out of you ex to justify your break up. You just do it like the rest of us. Don't go change your number and get a personal protection order because someone here had a friend of a friend or even experienced first hand abuse in a relationship. Everyone is different and you can make a better judgment then most us here.

 

 

If you want out then you just tell him. Not via text, not via email. This is more that a 2 months relationship. You are engaged to him and he deserves a face to face breakup. Don't tell him anything else besides what you said here. You kept things from him before, or at least that's what he thinks, don't keep the reasons of your breakup... at least out of respect.

I guess everyone is different but to me id evaluate someone more if they didn't beat around the bush on why this happened.

 

 

I truly wish you Good luck

Edited January 20, 2015 by NoLeafClover

[hoping2heal]

If it was to the point when I could have NO alone time to myself and it was a big fight for me to go out with a girlfriend, no I would never marry the guy. I know myself plenty well enough to know I NEED my alone time. I'm not doing anything shady with it, I just like to have some independence and I could never be happy long term not getting to have that. Plus, I'd prob suspect I was about to marry a wife beater if he ever got as controlling with me as what you're describing. I think your gut is telling you something you would be wise to listen to.

 

Unless, this reaction is not usual and he's reacting to something like cheating, etc. Then it's not so much I'd say it's "OK" just that he could be reacting to that.

[aggie382]

I can tell you exactly what will happen if you marry this man. His irrational, jealous and abusive behaviors will continue and escalate. He will isolate you from your friends and family so that when he begins hitting you, you have no where to turn. He will achieve this by devaluing you and cutting you down so that you believe you are worthless. When you spend time with yourself or family/friends he will get angry and eventually to avoid the conflict you won't go see them.

 

He will take control of your finances so you don't have options to leave. He may get you pregnant and then he will laud his control over the both of you.

 

DO NOT stay!!!! He has all the traits of an abusive partner. He will not change, not for you. He has to realize that there is a problem, which he won't. Unfortunately the most dangerous time for you is when you decide to leave. You need to have some sort of escape plan. Somewhere to stay where he doesn't know where you are. Block him from your phone and social media. Tell your work that he isn't allowed in.

 

This may seem extreme but based on what you've said, the guy will not react kindly when you leave and you are most prone to violence at that time.

 

Read up on typical abusive partner patterns, you will be amazed at how he checks every one.

 

+1

 

OP should definitely break off the engagement.

[shima]

Its hard to find the right time. I wanted to break it off today but his grandmother passed away this morning and he came crying to me, even though last night we call it off. Something i should add is that we were only 2 month into the relationship when he bought me a ring and proposed, he was the sweetest guy when we used to just date, after engagement his behavior started changing to what i described. He got controlling. I know i made a mistake to agree to the engagement that early on, i was naive, I should have know better. I mean it was too good to be true. I know I should break it off i just dont know how to do it so there wont be a big giant fight.

Edited January 20, 2015 by shima

[mawkij]

shima...I know where you are coming from and let me tell yu my sinceer advice....don't break it off....he has a problem cuz he probably lives in a society that is a mess....stuff he reads and see everywhere...all that is not enough to treat you that way....but I recommend that you tell him you need a space out of the relation ship....tell him you both need that space to see things clearly from outside...give him time and give yourself time...you will see things clearer and he will 99 percent send you every 5 minutes....but tell him to stick to the space ...you both need to understand and judge well....2 or 3 weeks is good...tell him not to send you unless its 3 weeks....and see what he come with .... if he loves you enough he will be able to put hands on his stupidity..... I expect that you are a muslim in one of the arab countries ask him to read...to study....he is in lack of any experience he knows nothing....that's just it...

Edited January 20, 2015 by mawkij

[No Limit]

He's controlling, and obviously it's not healthy for you. Don't bind yourself to him by marriage. If you have a lot of patience and he's willing, you two could get into couple therapy, otherwise breaking up is the only solution.

[mawkij]

He's controlling, and obviously it's not healthy for you. Don't bind yourself to him by marriage. If you have a lot of patience and he's willing, you two could get into couple therapy, otherwise breaking up is the only solution.

 

very well said he gotta understand first he has a problem then I think if he really cares and loves her he will seek therapy and do whatever it takes....its not just run and fly nd give up.... we get the best outcomes the more work and sacrifice we do...

[kendahke]

should i break off engagement? is my fiance abousing?

I'm engaged and my relationship with my fiance is one day happy and i feel like a princess and the next day we fight and i just want to break off the engagement.* I know every relationship has its ups and down but he is the only one in our relationship who starts the fight. Hes extremely sensitive, and the things we fight about, other people would laugh at. When we fight he yells to the point that im scared from him, he littles me when hes mad and angry and apologise after we got back together. He wants me by his side 24/7, i dont have one day on my own. After school or work, i have to be with him up until 12 am. And i tried to talk about it with him and make him undrestand that i need time for myself, and all that has happened was more fight and he accuse me of playing hard to get, or making him feel like hes the one after me that i dont care if i see him or not. Second problem He wants me to be honest with him which is normal i want the same, but right from the start he wanted to know about my sex life before him, who i went out with, names and everything that happened and i wasnt comfortable with it so i only said my serious relationship which lasted 3 years, i didnt say about other people i dated and went out with, after a while which he turtured me into telling him everything, i told him after 6 month into the relationship,and he accused me of being untruthful and a lier. Since then he checks my phone, he wants to know where im going if hes at work, who im going out with, and my location has to be on all the time and he doesnt admit that he doesnt trust me, im not allowed to have guy friends which im fine with, but i cant even have a proper date with my girlfriend. He loves me alot, i know he does, but thinking about all this scares me to hell from marriage.

 

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN!!!!!!!!!!

 

check out the following: http://www.youarenotcrazy.com

 

Break it off and stay gone.

 

He is emotionally abusive and controlling. If you think things are bad now, they will get worse after marriage. Marriage only amplifies any problems you had prior to taking vows.

 

It's verbal abuse now. It's only a matter of time before it becomes physical abuse and your life is in danger. That is not love. That is someone who is sick and needs psychiatric help.

 

Anytime someone wants to know about your past sex life, STD notwithstanding, they are looking for a weapon to bludgeon you with.

 

IT'S NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. All they need to know is that you are clean and healthy. THAT'S IT. He wants to know this so that he can stockpile his arsenal of verbal weapons to launch at you when he chooses to get angry with you... and he'll tell you that it's your fault because you are/were a wh0re and you made him mad.

 

This man does not love you at all. HE LOVES CONTROLLING YOU. Big universe of difference between the two..

Edited January 20, 2015 by kendahke

[kendahke]

And so you know--this isn't an issue of you two needing to go into couple's therapy. Here is a posting from a board I used to frequent by a poster who went by the name of 2ndlife which explains why there is an important difference between him getting therapy for himself and couple's therapy, which right now is the last thing you two need:

 

The first thought many of us have when things start to head south with our relationships/marriages is counseling. This would be the first step in attempting to salvage an otherwise healthy relationship. Problem is, abusive relationships are not healthy relationships. And this is where we run into problems with traditional marital/family therapy settings.

 

Traditional marital counseling is based on a couple of different principles and assumptions. They assume that both people in the relationship are normal, rational human beings and that the relationship itself is otherwise healthy except for whatever the problem is. And generally, it’s a communication issue. Pastoral counseling also takes this track, so we’ll keep that lumped together (pastoral and secular). It also assumes that there is a balance of power in the relationship, meaning both parties are equal.

 

This is not the case with abuse. Both parties are not normal, rational human beings. It is not a simple communication problem. And there is definitely not equality among the parties. Abuse is a power imbalance - one person holds all of it and does not relinquish it without a fight. Power to them takes on many forms, be it financial, control physically/mentally/emotionally over another, passive forms (such as not doing chores, not helping with kids, not financially assisting in the relationship, etc.). And, more to the point, they don’t feel as though they need to change what they’re doing. They believe they are entitled to behave in the manner to which they are accustomed. So, traditional counselors will say both parties are equally at fault. There is NO SHARED BLAME IN ABUSE. It lies squarely with the abuser, the party holding all the power.

 

And this is where traditional counseling breaks down.

 

To get anything out of counseling, you have to truly want to be there and work through whatever problem it is you are having, be it personal or in a relationship. Like an addict, you have to want to change. Many abusers do not want to change. Even if they say, "Oh, baby, I’ll change, I promise…", 99% of the time they are paying lip service. They’re saying that as a condition of you staying…or them staying. Often times this is why abusers agree to counseling. They see it as a condition of the relationship staying in tact.

 

Many times we hear people who have tried marital counseling (both secular and pastoral) with their abusers say that their SO sat there and lied in the session, or called them a liar. Or said nothing. Some people have even been hauled into therapy by their SO’s in an effort by them to prove they are insane, need medication, need to be committed, etc., because they don’t ‘act right’, according to their abusers (read: they behave like a normal person, but not as the abuser expects them to.). Often times, abusers will feel, even after one session, that counseling is a waste of their time and money and lose interest in going. And we know that sometimes they will try and convince their victims to stop attending because the counselors are "stupid", "don’t know what they’re talking about" or are putting "ideas" into your head.

 

On the flip side of this we have the counselors themselves. Most traditional counselors (pastoral included) do NOT have training in handling DV situations. It just isn’t taught. So, they counsel as if the relationship is otherwise healthy, meaning they give ideas on how to communicate more effectively, they promote compromise as a solution, and they try to get you to work WITH your abuser as a team…and all of us know that ain’t going to work. If one party doesn’t want to play nice, how is this approach supposed to work?

 

On top of that, counseling itself is supposed to be helpful. The session is supposed to be a place where you can air your fears, concerns and problems in front of a neutral third party and get some feedback. IF YOU DO THIS IN FRONT OF YOUR ABUSER, YOU ARE HANDING THEM THE BULLETS TO THE PROVERBIAL GUN. If you say A, B, C bothers me, that’s telling the abuser that they are being successful and they will continue on with it. They also may retaliate for it. We have heard of people being beaten on the drive home from sessions because of what they said. Others have almost been killed in intentional car accidents. Others have been berated for hours because of what was said. Then, if it’s brought up the next session, the abuser sits there and denies it ever happened.

 

Friends, this is why traditional counseling is NEVER, EVER recommended in abuse situations. We encourage all who come here to try and contact their local shelters to get counseling with trained DV pros, people who know and understand how abuse works on the victims, what the consequences are, etc. And it’s either individual or group, sometimes both. They help address the what and why and help the victims to understand that it is not their fault. I’m not knocking traditional counseling, it is extremely beneficial for situations where you’re not dealing with abuse, same with pastoral counseling. The church, much like with traditional secular counselors, is great for routine issues, but the church at times is even worse than secular, because they will often times blame the wife for not living up to her "duties" and will FAIL TO ACKNOWLEDGE that there is abuse even existing and put the blame squarely on their shoulders. Pastoral counseling can be a wonderful supplemental counseling avenue once you are in recovery mode. Yes, the church frowns on divorce, but in the Bible it says repeatedly that God does not want his children abused by another.