BF LDR Cheated

[BlaueTraurigkeit]

So my boyfriend and I have been long distance for a little over a year. We moved together to a different country, I had a lot of problems, couldn't learn the language fast, couldn't find a job, became increasingly lonely and resentful. I started fighting with him all of the time and eventually we decided it was better if I just came home. --- It was financially impossible to visit him as we are talking about a 1500 dollar round trip flight.

 

Due to our schedules we were only able to skype once a week as I work on the weekends and the time difference makes it impossible to talk during the week unless he stays up to 3 am which doesn't work since he has to work very early. --- We discussed a lot of problems in our relationship in this time over skype and he said he really loved me. He wanted to try and make it work with me. That he understands our problems were related to stress of our situation but that it isn't an excuse because life is stressful. That we need to learn to be nicer to each other.

 

He is very in tune with our relationship and has really put effort in the last five years to make our relationship great and I know that I am a very difficult woman. He has had lots of suggestions we can try, things in himself he can work on, etc... for example He is a very hard worker and likes to blow off steam individually, he has to work with a lot of people and when he comes home he likes to just be by himself for a bit. It always made me feel lonely and that he wasn't interested in me, and he has talked about how he should show me more attention during the evenings and I never complained to him once about it. Somehow, he is very good with understanding me without me being able to communicate my ideas well. --- Last time he told me that he slept with a girl there. We have made it 11 months and he had 4 months more to go. He said he was incredibly sorry and guilty. He isn't sure what I want to do but will understand my decision, whatever it maybe.

 

He says he loves me, he really does, but the distance has left him feeling lonely, depressed, and vulnerable and one of his girl friends and him were having a deep discussion about life and romance one evening and she kissed him and well one thing led to the next. He said he does not love her and that he loves me. That he made a mistake and wouldn't see this woman anymore if that is what it took. That he would understand if I could never trust him again. --- I do not know what to do. I really love him. He was almost perfect up to this time. Sensitive, caring, but maybe sometimes a little emotionally unavailable and focused a lot on his career. I am sick to my stomach thinking about it, I feel terrified when I think about not being with him though.

 

Any advice on what I should do? He told me to take some time and think about it. To let him know when I am ready to talk to him again.

Edited January 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[kendahke]

Sorry you're going through this.

 

A couple of observations:

1. No one is perfect. They bring their faults and shortcomings to their relationships. Even you say you two were fighting all the time and you were hard to get along with.

 

2. The unfortunate thing about LDR's is that unless both people are well disciplined when it comes to fidelity, the one who is not disciplined in that area may go find someone to alleviate their loneliness. I, personally, think that's a cop out and a sign of weakness, but not everyone is disciplined in the area of keeping their sex to themselves.

 

3. Good for him that he 'fessed up about cheating. However, I don't think being there with him would have made a difference because cheating comes down to one's mindset, not how close their partner is in proximity. People get cheated on by those who live with them and sleep next to them.

 

4. My advice would be to examine all the things which causes you to be difficult. Until you've resolved those, you're going to have volatile relationships and may get hurt as a result of it. Now would be a great time for you to take a step back and really look into yourself on this. Until you've dealt with it, getting back together will only bring about the very same issues that caused you to pack up and leave in the first place.

 

5. Get a grip on being "terrified" of not being with him. Anything undertaken with fear as its basis has no hope of a good outcome. You will survive and thrive eventually.

 

I can't give you any advice on what to make him do/feel/say/be/want. He's his own person and has to come to that of his own volition. Can't make him do anything he doesn't already want to do himself. All I can tell you is to use this time wisely to get rid of behaviors which do not serve you in the long run.