me85 Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 (edited) Ya, it's inevitable though. In most cases, you start a committed relationship with someone having the intent of it leading to being "always and forever" with them. So when it leads to parting ways with them instead, we feel this very sad, strange disconnect that leaves our bodies distraught and struggling to function without our daily overdose of serotonin that we've been receiving for however long. When that supply runs out we literally withdrawal from the loss of love. Bonding is such a powerful, mysterious and often painful part of life. Getting close to someone we can literally bond with chemically is so scary. We don't lose someone just physically when we lose someone. We lose them in so many other ways. I'm not one to remain friends but last year I attempted to try that or at least see how I felt while hanging out with one of my exes and it felt weird. Not to say it would feel that way with all of my exes but those feelings of great love I once felt for him were just gone. Love is so much like a drug. You become addicted, thinking you can never live without them, grieve when they are gone and eventually recover from their absence and move on. Like everything is erased and made new. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially, geographically...everything is made new on every level. Partners are mostly like kidney stones "just passing through" and it hurts like hell when they do. Edited January 19, 2015 by me85 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CripplingMe Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Ya, it's inevitable though. In most cases, you start a committed relationship with someone having the intent of it leading to being "always and forever" with them. So when it leads to parting ways with them instead, we feel this very sad, strange disconnect that leaves our bodies distraught and struggling to function without our daily overdose of serotonin that we've been receiving for however long. When that supply runs out we literally withdrawal from the loss of love. Bonding is such a powerful, mysterious and often painful part of life. Getting close to someone we can literally bond with chemically is so scary. We don't lose someone just physically when we lose someone. We lose them in so many other ways. I'm not one to remain friends but last year I attempted to try that or at least see how I felt while hanging out with one of my exes and it felt weird. Not to say it would feel that way with all of my exes but those feelings of great love I once felt for him were just gone. Love is so much like a drug. You become addicted, thinking you can never live without them, grieve when they are gone and eventually recover from their absence and move on. Like everything is erased and made new. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially, geographically...everything is made new on every level. Partners are mostly like kidney stones "just passing through" and it hurts like hell when they do. One of the most poignant things i've ever read. Even the best of friendships are not always guaranteed, because people change. I always feel like i'm the one who doesn't change because i'm never the person who ends/stops contacting relationships. I invest and stick to relationships/friendships, even if I see the other person withdrawing (obviously if they are violent, abusive, stone cold - then no). My view is, they eventually come around if you give them a bit of space. I dont believe exes should be strangers in the event both parties enjoyed eachothers company. If there was cheating, abuse or severe disrespect caused then that's different. I want people to stay in my life for a very long time if they make me happy, even momentarily so. That's why i feel so upset when people just dissapear and you never hear or see them again. That's really sad. Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 One of the most poignant things i've ever read. Even the best of friendships are not always guaranteed, because people change. I always feel like i'm the one who doesn't change because i'm never the person who ends/stops contacting relationships. I invest and stick to relationships/friendships, even if I see the other person withdrawing (obviously if they are violent, abusive, stone cold - then no). My view is, they eventually come around if you give them a bit of space. I dont believe exes should be strangers in the event both parties enjoyed eachothers company. If there was cheating, abuse or severe disrespect caused then that's different. I want people to stay in my life for a very long time if they make me happy, even momentarily so. That's why i feel so upset when people just dissapear and you never hear or see them again. That's really sad. What you want and what you actually get aren't usually the same things though. Link to post Share on other sites
gnick Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I just asked my ex in a text how could we go from being best friends to you not talking to me at all.especially when I didn't do anything wrong. Of course I got no response Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I heard from my exH, his wife, my last BF and my oldest son's dad on NYE. Maybe it's just me? Link to post Share on other sites
EuTuBrute Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Yes it is sad. However, I think the greater the love the greater this dissconect. People who are still friends with their exs in my opinion, there wasn't a great enough bond or emotional connection. At least in my case i couldn't be friends with my ex; how can i hear about how much fun she is having or the new people she is dating (without me!) However, when i did get back with my ex for the second time (people don't do this it will end up just like the first time) she did acknowledge that she did think of me all the time. So in conclusion, just because there is no physical communication with your ex, you can bet that you are still in their mind. Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 You're speaking from your own feelings, opinions and experiences-entirely. I disagree with you 110% The only way a former couple can ever remain friends and stand to keep in touch with each other, even after devastation from their tumultuous RS, is because they undoubtedly had a very strong intimate bond with one another. Those are the only kinds of RSs that last. Otherwise, you never care to speak to a person again. We may think that we really truly love someone (and maybe we really did) but we always look back and wonder "Did I ever really love them as much as I thought I did ? because now I feel nothing for that person." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I just asked my ex in a text how could we go from being best friends to you not talking to me at all.especially when I didn't do anything wrong. Of course I got no response Of course she didn't, you've been badgering her for months now. You need to leave her alone. And I don't think it's weird at all to go from a romantic relationship to no communication -- I find it weirder when exes try to pull off being friends, especially in the immediate aftermath of a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Mif Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Yeah, it feels awful. I miss sharing my life with him. Telling him about things i saw that he would like. All that stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
gnick Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Of course she didn't, you've been badgering her for months now. You need to leave her alone. And I don't think it's weird at all to go from a romantic relationship to no communication -- I find it weirder when exes try to pull off being friends, especially in the immediate aftermath of a relationship. She needs atleast 2 or 3 more months of hardcover badgering Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 She needs atleast 2 or 3 more months of hardcover badgering I hope you aren't being serious. Link to post Share on other sites
unforgotten Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 You know what I find especially depressing. The very thought that you can imagine a day when you'll no longer care about your ex. You may be happy then, you may be with someone else but the person you'd once gave a life for will no longer play any part in your life. Isn't it sad? But it's the only way to escape this emotional agony where you cling and hope and basically just killing yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
CripplingMe Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 You know what I find especially depressing. The very thought that you can imagine a day when you'll no longer care about your ex. You may be happy then, you may be with someone else but the person you'd once gave a life for will no longer play any part in your life. Isn't it sad? But it's the only way to escape this emotional agony where you cling and hope and basically just killing yourself. What I find most saddening is that relationships are not infinite. So I wonder to myself, why would I want another relationship? I've had three serious long term relationships at 34, and to be honest, I'm tired. My last relationship I loved the deepest, fell in love like a fairy tale, with blinkers on. Should I enter another relationship, I know for a fact I will approach it with cynicism and fear. They say 'love like you've never been hurt', but I have. So I won't be able to fully trust or love again like I did previously. We are disposable as employees, lovers and friends and that's what I find the most heart breaking. I am angry at him because he has ruined my ability to fully trust and love the way I did with him. Now, I have to forget about him like he never existed, eliminating everything to do with him, just because he hurt me. People can be so flipping selfish and unappreciative. Link to post Share on other sites
blackcat777 Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 There's no other way to move forward, other than as strangers... but it feels like the cruelest thing. In the months my boyfriend and I were apart, we were total strangers, didn't speak a word. It is strange, being back together, because there is still that space of blackness, where we didn't know each other, and he changed so much. It couldn't have been any other way. Neither of us stopped loving or missing each other... It was stunning when it became apparent he hurt as much as I did. Had I reached out, it would have driven him further away. It was ultimately for the best. But it is weeeiiiirrddd. So strange, the way it all works. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 We met when we were 21, now 45. We grew-up together. This is a very fresh gaping wound. He is part of every memory of my life. Even the happy things make me cry now. We have 2 very young children so we are going to be stuck in eachothers lives forever. It's good to know that others move on. My only really experience of divorce is an aunt & uncle who still cause pain in eachothers lives nearly 40 years later!! I believe he would still take her back despite a new family with 2 grown kids!! Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I personally thinks it's the beauty of the human heart. We are capable of loving someone from the deepest depths of our core. And then, when the relationship is no longer healthy or serves us or is what we need, it ends and as time ticks away, we heal. It's incredible really. When you think you're completely heart broken and you'll never get over someone, you do. Eventually, they do fade away...not them, but the feelings you once had for them. That intensity becomes nothing. It's that ability to lose love and know that your heart can heal that keeps us going looking for a new love. It's an amazing thing to love and lose love and continue to keep looking for it... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jimmyjackson Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 Ya, it's inevitable though. In most cases, you start a committed relationship with someone having the intent of it leading to being "always and forever" with them. So when it leads to parting ways with them instead, we feel this very sad, strange disconnect that leaves our bodies distraught and struggling to function without our daily overdose of serotonin that we've been receiving for however long. When that supply runs out we literally withdrawal from the loss of love. Bonding is such a powerful, mysterious and often painful part of life. Getting close to someone we can literally bond with chemically is so scary. We don't lose someone just physically when we lose someone. We lose them in so many other ways. I'm not one to remain friends but last year I attempted to try that or at least see how I felt while hanging out with one of my exes and it felt weird. Not to say it would feel that way with all of my exes but those feelings of great love I once felt for him were just gone. Love is so much like a drug. You become addicted, thinking you can never live without them, grieve when they are gone and eventually recover from their absence and move on. Like everything is erased and made new. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially, geographically...everything is made new on every level. Partners are mostly like kidney stones "just passing through" and it hurts like hell when they do. Good post, what you say is true. You go from having this future and deep connection with someone, then all of a sudden that is gone and it's almost as if it didn't even happen; strange feeling. Makes you wonder, is there any point in it all? it's always going to end some way or another... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jimmyjackson Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 One of the most poignant things i've ever read. Even the best of friendships are not always guaranteed, because people change. I always feel like i'm the one who doesn't change because i'm never the person who ends/stops contacting relationships. I invest and stick to relationships/friendships, even if I see the other person withdrawing (obviously if they are violent, abusive, stone cold - then no). My view is, they eventually come around if you give them a bit of space. I dont believe exes should be strangers in the event both parties enjoyed eachothers company. If there was cheating, abuse or severe disrespect caused then that's different. I want people to stay in my life for a very long time if they make me happy, even momentarily so. That's why i feel so upset when people just dissapear and you never hear or see them again. That's really sad. not sure about them coming around if you give them space, I think a lot of people never look back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jimmyjackson Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 You're speaking from your own feelings, opinions and experiences-entirely. I disagree with you 110% The only way a former couple can ever remain friends and stand to keep in touch with each other, even after devastation from their tumultuous RS, is because they undoubtedly had a very strong intimate bond with one another. Those are the only kinds of RSs that last. Otherwise, you never care to speak to a person again. We may think that we really truly love someone (and maybe we really did) but we always look back and wonder "Did I ever really love them as much as I thought I did ? because now I feel nothing for that person." "Did I ever really love them as much as I thought I did ? because now I feel nothing for that person." I had been battling with that statement myself, questioning whether my ex actually did love me even though she said she did, makes me feel a little sad thinking she might not have, when I know for certain I did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jimmyjackson Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 You know what I find especially depressing. The very thought that you can imagine a day when you'll no longer care about your ex. You may be happy then, you may be with someone else but the person you'd once gave a life for will no longer play any part in your life. Isn't it sad? But it's the only way to escape this emotional agony where you cling and hope and basically just killing yourself. Yeah I know what you mean, but if you're happy by that point I doubt it will bother you. You'll probably just think back on it with a smile and be thankful for the memories. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jimmyjackson Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 There's no other way to move forward, other than as strangers... but it feels like the cruelest thing. In the months my boyfriend and I were apart, we were total strangers, didn't speak a word. It is strange, being back together, because there is still that space of blackness, where we didn't know each other, and he changed so much. It couldn't have been any other way. Neither of us stopped loving or missing each other... It was stunning when it became apparent he hurt as much as I did. Had I reached out, it would have driven him further away. It was ultimately for the best. But it is weeeiiiirrddd. So strange, the way it all works. How long were you apart? and why did you break up? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jimmyjackson Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 I personally thinks it's the beauty of the human heart. We are capable of loving someone from the deepest depths of our core. And then, when the relationship is no longer healthy or serves us or is what we need, it ends and as time ticks away, we heal. It's incredible really. When you think you're completely heart broken and you'll never get over someone, you do. Eventually, they do fade away...not them, but the feelings you once had for them. That intensity becomes nothing. It's that ability to lose love and know that your heart can heal that keeps us going looking for a new love. It's an amazing thing to love and lose love and continue to keep looking for it... Do you not think there are some people who we will always have feelings for though? in some way or another? It is strange how we're willing to try and fail so many times before we try and succeed, especially when it hurts so much haha. Link to post Share on other sites
itsallnewtome Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 This is weird, I was literally thinking about this all morning. You spend so much time with someone. You romanticize. You share your deepest secrets and fears. You have love and laughter and growth together. Then someone's feelings change for whatever reason, and you break up and never talk again. It's so sad. The ex that brought me here I've been over for a while now, yet I would still love to hear from her and catch up. Even though we had a disastrous end, we had so many special moments and memories. I'm also a person very much into love and peace, so maybe that's why I wish to get that. These people are all vital parts of our past and who we are today and to never hear from them again as if you never met in the first place is a wonder to me. I've never agreed with the notion that exes should be treated like the black plague. Obviously, I'm not saying to be friends and go to the movies or shopping on a Saturday afternoon, but a simple message or e-mail just to catch up would be nice. It's just something that means something to me, even if I'm in the minority. yeah man. you nailed it. my girlfriend who broke up with me yesterday, I've never connected with anyone like I did with her. she also told me several times that I am her favourite person she's ever met. and then we are just supposed to never speak again?! this is such a hard concept for me , to just cut her out. her family have sent me messages saying they hope me and her can be friends in the future so they will see me sometime again. what a sad ordeal. Link to post Share on other sites
The Poster Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 yeah man. you nailed it. my girlfriend who broke up with me yesterday, I've never connected with anyone like I did with her. she also told me several times that I am her favourite person she's ever met. and then we are just supposed to never speak again?! this is such a hard concept for me , to just cut her out. her family have sent me messages saying they hope me and her can be friends in the future so they will see me sometime again. what a sad ordeal. Hang in there man. Not long before my ex decided to split, she was telling me how much faith she had in us and how amazing I was and how she never met anyone like me and couldn't believe I was real. It's confusing and you never know what's really going on in their head. All you can do now is start moving on and improving yourself and someday you'll get answers one way or another. Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 I think its all very very cruel. Link to post Share on other sites
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