Selfish and upsupportive husband, what to do?

[Guest]

My husband is a very selfish person and very unsupportive of me. I am 22 and he is 28 and we have been married for almost 5 years.

 

I am not sure if I am over reacting. My husband is always cranky and it brings me down, it interupts the time we get to spend together and pushes me away. Here are some examples (not in the order of importance) of things, i just want to know if I am over reacting:

 

Good example: My friends wedding was on a friday and I work, I also needed to bring my car in for serviceing so my husband offered to do it and he would take me to work and pick me up. When I went to wake him he said he was to tired and told me to take my car and he would switch cars at my work then come get me later since I can't drive his car because it is a stick. 30 min. before he is to pick me up he calls and tells me that he can't and I need to drive his car home and to call him when I got in the car and he would give me a crash course in how to drive a stick. I was bumed but agreed. Well, I work ina rural area and it was very dificult. During the instructions he kept yelling at me. Finally after 30 minutes I made it home. When I parked I told him that I was very frustatrated, he told me not to take it out on him. When we get in the house he tells me that he want so go run some errands, I told him that we were going to my best friends wedding and asked if they could wait. He told me that my freind should have scheduled her weding around our moving plans and that I just needed to go with out him. So, I took a deep breath and said "fine" at that he blew up started yelling and left the house slamming the dorr. Leaving me staranded with no car, I had to call the dealer ship and get someone to come and get me so I could get my car and go to the wedding. I made it literally with in two minutes. Later that night he told me that he was pissed because I was not packing for our move. Then he tells me that he has to take his brother to drop off his car so he can get a stereo installed in and he would be back in an hour, leaving me to pack. Two hours later I call him and him and his brother are having dinner. My best friend is like a sister to me.

 

 

I am an artist (just in spare time) I am so hurt because my husband never likes anything that I do. I know art is one persons opinion and all but I do a wode range of styles from comic book to fabric collages. Everyone else always compelment me on my art and how much they like it. I just did a new piece that everyone liked and when I showed my husband he told me that I had to much red in one corner. It really hurts my feelings. I told him that I want to join a studio and start showcaing my art and he is not supportive. He does go to art shows for friends and actually wants to buy some of there things (even though I am better) and he never wants me to hang up my work. I told him I wanted to get my degree in Art and he told me that I wouldn't be able to do anything with it so why bother. I told him he should be suppotive no matter what I do.

 

He told me he will always love his brother more then me and never stands up for me, even when I am right. His brother (whoe has lived with us for the past three years) and I got into an argument because I suggested he got a job during the summer time and he said he didn't need to because he was going to move some where where he didn't have to pay rent. I told him that he can not expect other people to take care of him and my husband yelled at me and told me to never disrecpect his brother like that again. But my husband calls my family members all kinds of horrible names. He wont even speak to them and refuses to let them come to our new condo.

 

He yells at me infront of his brother all the time. So much that his brother is uncomfortable being around us. For the most part his brother and I get along well. The most recent time he yelled at me he asked me how much we paid for something and I told him and he yelled at me for giving the wrong answer. He yelled at me the other day and I spoke back and he gave me this very hateful look. He doesn't even talk to me anymore. Sometime when I am talking to him in the car he will turn on the radio over me with out even realizing that he did it.

 

Today he was playing video games and was cranky so I told him he should stop. He just kept playing until he got so mad that he threw the remote control down. Then he told me he wanted to be alone. I told him that I hate it when he gets like that. He said that I could have the lesser of two eveils, he could yell at me or I could give him space. Which I understand his point. I told him I would start to give him space as long as he gave me fair warning. He always takes the best and last of everything. He always changes the channel when I am watching something. He blames me for things he does. This week: 1. he is missing his pipe wrench, which I have never used and would not knwo what one looked like. He blamed me and said, "I can't beleive you lost it, now we have to get another one and I need it now." 2. He usually checks the mail and he opened an envelope and misplaced it. I found it and he got mad that Ilost it and that I should be more careful with the mail. I told him he opened it not me and he misplaced it.

 

We had an issue with his porn watching, I would cry and tell him that I felt disrespected. he told me, "I have done it since before I met you and I will not stop." I guess our relationship is not worth limiting one habit. Now I just live with it. I caught him on an escort site. When I asked him about it he said, "Well I thought tou said you didn't mind if I look." I explained that it was completly different.

 

I feel like I am eventually going to leave and I am not sure what I am waiting for. I walk on eggshells and don't feel equal in the relationship. Most of that is my fualt because I accepted it for so long, but now I want it to change. I told him that I am different and that i want things to change. When ever I am angry he get's an attitude of, I don't care if you leave. So when I tell him we should not be together if one or both of us are unhappy he changes his tune and wants to know what he can do to make it better.

 

 

I am usually a very positive person. For example, I had to take off work for two weeks because of a workers comp. injury. My work told me when I got back yesterday that either I work there or I don't. My supervisor told a colleage of mine that she does not like me because I ask to many questions (I am knew at that job and trying to learn it), yet, I am very upbeat and have not been negative or taken anything out on anyone. I don't know what to do. I keep holding on expecting things to get better (to chnage) which I know is not going to happen. I keep saying, 6 more months, one more year. I don't want to give up but I feel like my husband has. I keep trying to talk to him about it because he does not share his feelings and i feel like I am just giving him more reasons not to care. I stay because of hope and because we just bought a house together and I don't want him to be stuck with the patments.

 

 

Sorry this is so long, thank you for listing to me rant and rave. I feel much better. Any advice would be very appreciated.

[whichwayisup]

Well Guest...I hate to say this but your husband is acting like a real class act A-hole! He's selfish, rude, inconsiderate to you and your family. He sounds controlling and cruel. Not a mature 28 year old married man! Give him space, go do your own thing. Allow him to be a big baby for a while. See how long he'll last being like that...Probably not long cuz he seems to feed from your reaction - good or bad.

 

Do you love him? Do you plan on having children with this man? These are things you must ask yourself...The way things are now, multiply that by 100 when you DO have children. He needs therapy for his anger issues and obviously if your marriage is going to work Marriage Councilling has to happen to fix it.

 

The fact his brother is living with you rent free isn't helping the marriage either.

 

And the porn? Take a look at some other threads and see how it has affected marriages. He's a fool and don't let him make YOU feel bad about yourself. These are HIS issues and not yours, please try not to make it about you because chances are it is not. He has a problem!

 

I'm sorry that you're going through alot!! As for the work situation, if you are not happy there find another job or try to stick with it as long as you can. Sounds like you have a boss who isn't nice.

 

Hang in there and keep posting. You'll get some support here on LS.

[latesleeper]

I'm glad you feel better after you posted.

I admire the way you held yourself together for so long! Your husband sounds like he needs some help in sorting things out. He sounds like he's mad at himself or unhappy about some part of his life, and this doesn't have to do with you. You don't have to accept it though, as you are right to point out. Have you tried some counselling yourself? Just to feel out what your options are and how better to handle your own emotions when your husband gets unreasonable.

Good luck and hang in there!

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by Guest

 

He told me he will always love his brother more then me

 

This would be what worries me the most. You need to sit down and talk with your H.

 

Syl

[SusieQ]

You sound like a gem - it breaks my heart to hear what you are going through, because I've been there. Let me ask you this. Has he displayed any improvement in the years you have been together? Or has his attitude worsened? Whatever the pattern has been up until now is only likely to continue.

 

Short of a severe intervention your husband is unlikely to change on his own. At 28 he does not seem to have developed a sense of empathy. He is not likely to learn it now.

 

In the meantime, you are changing yourself and compromising your principles on behalf of someone who clearly doesn't value you enough. You are clearly not overreacting, in fact, I hate to say it, but you are in an abusive relationship. Thankfully, you have endured well, and he hasn't yet broken your spirit.

 

My advise to you would be this:

 

1) Seek counselling immediately - clarify your situation rationally with the help of a professional - don't ask him to go to counselling yet - go by yourself.

 

2) Stop worrying about things like the condo payments - these things will resolve themselves and are extrenous to your current decision-making - they're just muddling your thinking.

 

3) Count yourself lucky that you don't have kids, because when you add kids to the equation, the decision making gets that much more difficult - don't even think of getting pregnant.

 

4) Continue to pursue your educational goals, your art and your work. These are the things that are keeping you sane and giving value to your life. These are probably the things that he instinctively resents and that's why he's shooting them all down.

 

5) Continue to post here for support

[LucreziaBorgia]

Why did you two get married in the first place? What were the circumstances - was it mutual? Did one of you push for it harder than the other? How long did you date/know each other before you were married?

 

Have you discussed marriage counseling with him?

 

So when I tell him we should not be together if one or both of us are unhappy he changes his tune and wants to know what he can do to make it better.

 

This, at least - sounds hopeful. Let him know that its either marriage counseling to work on your problems (and I wager he could use some individual counseling, as well - he sounds like he has a lot of frustration and anger that he's venting and not addressing), or you will leave.

[onlyhuman]

Wow, any guy would be lucky and fortuenate to have a lady like you.

The comment about his brother is disturbing and just plain weird, it does go to show his priorities in life.

Sounds like your husband has no interest in"listening to you", this is real bad.Giving your husband the benifit of doubt he is selfish and immature.Maybe when he took his wedding vows he should have included his brother in them so you knew where you stood!

Go to a counselor, in one session a professional will give him some pointers on how not to be an ass.Best scenerio is that your husband realizes that he's in a marriage to you and he has responsibilities to at least not take you for granted.It would be good for him to know that with some changes he can reap large rewards in the relationship.

You are definitely not overeacting and you deserve more than your getting out of this marriage.

 

I'd be interested to know how he reacts when you explain to him how the overall picture is bothering you.

[FolderWife]

Well....I am going to sound like a broken record, but here goes:

 

When I was reading this WHOLE THREAD, I thought, "I bet he looks at porn, and it hurts her..." sure enought:

 

We had an issue with his porn watching, I would cry and tell him that I felt disrespected. he told me, "I have done it since before I met you and I will not stop." I guess our relationship is not worth limiting one habit. Now I just live with it.

 

My husband acted EXACTLY like that when he had a porn habit, and I let him know that it hurt me.

 

He'd promise not to watch porn any more, but then when he would sneak and do it, he would act just like your husband is acting.

 

Finally, I decided that he can have porn. I don't even care any more. I just started doing my own thing.

 

I got my OWN tv. I put it downstairs, and I watch it every evening. I decided that I'm not going to sit around and take his crap...I'm going to avoid his crap...and in doing so, avoid HIM.

 

Who wants to be treated like crap!?

 

So now, he pouts that I don't spend time with him. I don't even bother to explain that he treats me so badly that I don't want to be around him.

 

Every other aspect of my life is fantastic...I can go without him for a while..we need both of our incomes to finance the things we have...the big house, the nice cars...etc...

 

So what happened when I stopped putting myself in the position to be walked on? My husband stopped walking on me!

 

Duh.

 

Now, he'll come down and watch MY tv with ME, and we watch what I want. If he wants to watch something else, I tell him to go watch his own tv!

 

We used to go grocery shopping all the time together. As soon as we'd get in the car, he'd nag me until we got to the store, and then he'd talk down to me the entire time.

 

"DON'T WALK BEHIND ME!" "GET OUT OF THEIR WAY" "ARE YOU STUPID?" "DON'T BUY THAT!"

 

Finally, I told him that I wasn't going shopping or anywhere else with him ever again. The next time he said, "Get ready, let's go grocery shopping," I said, "I don't want to." When he said, "Why?" I said, "Because you treat me like crap, and I'm not going to the store where you can treat me like crap."

 

So he promised not to treat me bad in the store.

 

But what happened? As soon as we got to the store, he started his old ways. I said, "If you say one more thing, I'm leaving." He said, "One more thing." I let go of the buggy, and headed for the door.

 

He looked like a complete loser chasing me through the store. When I finally turned to look at him, he said, "I'm sorry, come on..."

 

So I did...and he's never said a hateful thing to me in the grocery store since. And I've let him know how proud I am of him.

 

The last time we had a car fight was when that loser had porn hidden again, and I hadn't found it yet, and he acted like a jerk all the way to the movies...then we didn't watch the movies...we got there, and turned around, and came home. I found the porn, told him he could have it, and he's been...normal since.

 

I actually told him that since he has porn, that he doesn't need blow jobs any more. I'll give him one once in a while, but not NEARLY as often as I did before the porn. If I turn him down for sex, he says, "Well I can use my hand, " and I say, "Good! I was GOING to go down on you in a minute, but if you'd rather use your hand, by all means!"

 

I wasn't in the mood any way