Blindsided by husbands feelings.

[ShatteredLady]

Hi. I'm new here. Isolated & desperate for some connection or understanding. Nearly 10 years ago I had a small fall & when I tried to stand my legs were dead. Treatments & therapy & my insistence on pushing through the pain meant our life carried on the same for many years. The chronic degeneration of my spine sped-up after our daughter was born (she's just turned 5) When she was 1 we moved house & that was physically very demanding & my increased spinal problems started to effect our social life (having 2 little kids changes things too). Last summer I had emergency surgery & my gallbladder had died. It leaked gangrene into my body making me septic, damaging my kidneys & liver. I'd ignored the warning signs & pushed through the pain & nearly died as a result. We decided it was time for me to slow down. I still did things like trick or treating, 4th July. I never took to my bed. My husband works long hours & I have no support system in this country. We moved here from Europe before this all started. I have to keep going for my family.

New years day I discovered that my husband had posted on my chronic pain forum & had been waiting for 3 days for me to read it. Basically he said that he knows my health will only get worse. He still wants things from life, "Love, romance & adventure". He stated that he is choosing between his happy future & a life of misery with me & the kids. It was written for me to read (so passive aggressive) it hit me like a ton of bricks & I think I'm still in shock. Even he described our life as 'magical'. We met just after my 21st birthday, I'm now 45. We've grown-up together. I love him dearly & considered him my family. My only sibling took their own life several years ago.

I'm in unrelenting pain 24/7. I do everything I can personally & medically to control my pain. I have a strict list of limitations to slow the progression. I've been breaking those & trying to do everything because he said he was willing to work on it but it's already effecting my pain. The fusing part of my spine is crunching & grinding again...not a good sign! I don't know what to do. I feel completely broken & lost.

I love him & don't want a miserable future for him. Shouldn't love mean I should let go & let him find a new magical life with someone else? I know I'm not thinking clearly. We have 2 young kids & I hate what this will do to the rest of their lives. I feel like a family member has died & I'm grieving. How can 25 years of marriage (openly envied by friends) just end because I can't be physically the person I was?

I know this is long. I'm experienced in pain forums & know it should be short & easy but I can't explain in less words! Has anyone been on either side of this chronic pain problem? I know we promise 'In sickness & in health' but we never imagine it will happen so young. I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown. The worst fear of a chronic pain patient is being considered nothing but a burden by our loved ones. I've just been told its true! I feel like the doctors should of put me out of my misery as soon as they knew I could never be fixed!

[beach]

Have you been to counseling?

 

What can you physically do to participate in the marriage? Be specific.

[MJJean]

My mother was severely disabled and in chronic pain almost her entire life. 48 major operations and we lost count of the "minor" surgeries. She passed at age 44 when I was 21. I consider myself blessed to have had her. She braved the pain and was the best mother she could be under her physical limitations. I learned more about life and human nature and straight up having big, huge, balls ( ) from her than from everyone I have known put together. She was an amazing woman. You are too! Don't forget that!

 

Your husband promised to love you in sickness and in health, for better or for worse. That's what marriage means. His feelings are understandable, but it boils down to what does he want to do? Does he want to uphold his vows or bail like a rat leaving a sinking ship?

 

If he wants to keep making it work then I suggest counseling. If he wants out, I suggest a lawyer. Either way, keep your head up. You have worth.

 

BTW, have you gotten a few opinions about your condition? Have you explored many treatment options? Surgical options?

[Ronni_W]

Lady,

I heard you. I send you love and cyber hugs...and I wish that I had something more concrete to offer.

Ronni

[NOHOPE-LEFT-HERE]

Wow was hard to read your post

how people change so much and over something you have no control over is truly heartbreaking

Stay strong and huge hugs

[Yasuandio]

Let him go. Last thing you need is pity. You cannot make him want to be magical. Magical is now dead - accectance is what you are now thriving for, and it will be a long road. I very sorry to put it so bluntly, but you have to face it.

 

My husband abandoned me in a foreign county without my medications nor glassses or money. He took the rental, and left me sitting on a rock at the sea--side in a small fishing village in Greece. My phone was not working, and it was nightfall. I went into shock. Already having disability of severe anxiety, this shock sent my brain chemicals out of whack. I didn't make it hom for many months. And I now have bi-polar 2 dis-order. I'm a completely different person, totally went down hill mentally.

 

I have no other choice but to make it on my own without him. I don't know what is worsr, lose of control of a funtioning good mind, with excellent judgment, OR constant pain. I have the most horrible headaches, so I understand pain. The bottom line - married or not married, we really are always alone, and should be prepared for that event at ALL times. This was my mistake in Greece. I was dependant on my husband and his knowledge of his own country - and I had no idea where I was. I could have gotten killed in the zombie withdrawal state I was in for many weeks, from my usual medicines (ad's, insomnia meds, blood pressure med, anxiety benzos, etc.).

 

I am not telling you this story to make you feel bad about my situation - it is to make the point we are always alone and cannot depend on others. If you give up your expectations, you will not be disappointed. Do not ever rely on anyone else - be strong. You got this far. There has to be something in medical science to help you. I do not have knowledge, but there are things I've heard of, pain pumps, etc.

 

I'm not sure about this site your on, where he left the message. Something tells me he did this in a way of speaking to an "affair parner." As if the site was his only voice to say "enough" to the affair (I mean this metaphorically speaking, of course). And this is just a theory of mine. I am wondering how much of a role that site has played in your life. At the very least, I do not think your husband is leaving you, I think he is ttrying to escape a "caretaker" role. That is my hunch. It is just a hunch. That's all.

 

I hope these thoughts and ideas might get you inspired in some way. See the 5 stages of grief, at the pinned thead, also linked below. Yas

[ShatteredLady]

Wow! Thank you all for your responses.

 

I don't need to be physically cared for. I have 2 young children (1 preschool) & take care of them everyday. I'm under good medical care & work on managing my condition. A big problem is I'm very unreliable. Somedays I could do the shopping but I can go weeks where it would be agonizing. I can't stand or sit for more than a few moments without numbness & pain making me collapse but I can walk (well on flat ground) I'm limited by how long for. Somedays I can sit for dinner, it hurts obviously but I'm good at hiding my pain.

We used to travel & have lots of adventures. I can't get through the airport, with all the queuing without going white, sweaty & nauseas from pain. Sitting in the plane is agony. I've only been able to do it twice in the last 3 years. Long car drives are out. I collect my son from school everyday.

It's as much a fear of how this will progress. (He's attended surgical appointments with me.) & the lack of excitement & adventure in our lives.

I'm still in shock over this. I thought of him as my best friend & family before this. He's very physically conscious...won't take the kids to the pool because of his 'middle aged spread' & very judgemental of others. I've already shrunk over 3" in my lumbar region. Although I eat as little as possible my stomach will never be flat again. I can only do very gentle prescribed physical therapy exercises, add my scars to that & I feel very unattractive. I think he's 'gone off me' & that's contributing.

[ShatteredLady]

I don't spend an excessive amount of time on the pain forum. He knows I read it for advise. He spends a lot of time on the computer. He's never negatively commented on my computer time. Actually I'd been going there a lot less for the last few months because I was finding it a bit depressing. That's why it took me 3 days to read it. That's a good suggestion but I don't think it applies here.

You're spot-on about the 'affair' type feelings. He says that he feels like my pain is my 'other man' & I'm never truly in the moment because I hurt so much. I just don't know what I can do about that. I feel like I'm lost in things. I believe distraction is a great way of managing chronic pain. The only time I can push my pain into the background is when I'm absorbed in things. I'm just so lost.

[Yasuandio]

You are going to be fine. He's the one with the problem, That post on your pain site was really a pathetic method of imforming you of his "whatever." Actually, I didn't know you could go lower than imforming spouse by email, but your husband came up with a new, all time record for dastardly deed. OMG. What a champ.

 

Get yourself brussed off, and sanitized from this nasty, cowardly meanness. You are strong enough to walk on a flat surface - therefore, you do have legs and feet to walk away from this mess. Let him wallow in his middle-age spread, and you spread your wings. This can be done. Read the site, and keep posting. Yas

[GirlStillStrong]

You say it was a passive aggressive move on his part to post on the web site but then say he feels he is playing second fiddle to your disease(s). Could it be that he is having difficulty communicating with you? My first reaction was to say, when a person wants to leave, it is best to let them leave (let go or be dragged). But having read further, I wonder if you need to get you and your spouse into marital counseling? It can't hurt to try, especially if you think he is not the aggressive type, or the kind of person who readily makes his needs known.

[ArtIsMyThing]

I know your journey - i have just been on it.

 

Mine was both physical and then topped mental problems - here is my thread i just started.

 

Let him go hon and you don't take one ounce of blame on yourself - a coward is as cowards do and cowards walk or run and hide - love yourself thru this journey

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/511767-11-months-i-have-been-bad-emotional-place#post6116945

[ShatteredLady]

Thank you so much. Art is my Thing...funny, it's my thing too. I read your post & I truly feel for you. How can people you love & consider family just change their mind? We have 2 little kids!!

I am suggesting counciling. He's always suffered from depression & so does his twin sister. He says he will go to the doctor next week.

In the mean time I'm falling apart & walking on egg shells. I don't know how he will be when he walks through the door. Every & any conversation is so strained. I think he's frightened to actually leave so it's easier to ghost around the house turning me into a nervous wreck.

I've spent my whole life with him & now I'm broken (spine will never be 'better' I've seen MANY surgeons & even the 'out there' specialists. I know of every treatment.) he says he wants the life he imagined!

We went out & he held my hand all night & said lovely things then a few days later it's complete quiet & I drag out of him that 'He meant it at the time but it's a spark that didn't catch'.

Dealing with chronic pain is so hard. Just dragging my body out of bed every single day is so hard. I don't have anyone to turn to. I want to go home but I don't want to give-up on the life we had.

My brother took his own life. I can't start to explain the carnage it left behind. He told me that he wants to die! That's the most torturous thing you can ever say to me.

I think we BOTH desperately need help but I don't know how I'm living through this. Every moment of everyday is so impossible. I feel like a pathetic abused dog, wagging & creeping around for some affection. I used to be strong, proud, now I'm an isolated shut in with no confidence at all.

[ShatteredLady]

Is there anyone here who has been the person leaving?

As I said, we have been together for our whole lives. Yes it was a marriage but it was so much more than that. We've done wonderful things together & we've been there to support each other through terrible things. We were family. In the best possible sense of the word.

I warned you guys...I'm a complete mess! I guess you know exactly how I feel. I feel I've made HUGE life changing choices (giving up a career, moving to America etc) that I would NEVER of even contemplated if it wasn't to make his life & career better.

I've gone from being a very successful business woman surrounded by family & friends to facing becoming a welfare Mum with no chance of getting a job. I know I can give my kids the best life possible but we all know that loosing their Dad & moving to a foreign country (i couldnt support myself in america & couldnt get benefits) is going to greatly effect their lives.

[darkmoon]

my first impulse is to tell him how unlikely he will be to get the life he thinks he might get

 

middle-aged divorcees who dump as he did have neither the looks or the morals to be in high demand, fact

 

am not often harsh but look at him - he has no future

[thefooloftheyear]

Tough situation...

 

First of all...Im not a doctor and dont know the full details other than what you have posted.., but I dont believe doctors always know a persons own ability to rise above a certain medical condition that may be seemingly insurmountable..

 

Im trying to word this carefully, and if I missed it then my apologies..Im guessing not, but do the two of you still have sex?....Could sexual frustration on his part be where the change of attitude is coming from?

 

No need to answer if its too personal...Either way, you have my sincerest best wishes..

 

TFY

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, I'm really sorry for your condition and the situation you're in---I can't imagine dealing with these kind of obstacles.

 

I think the two of you need to sit down and communicate honestly with each other.

 

If possible, I think counseling is in order.

 

It sounds like neither spouse's needs are being met. There has to be some kind of compromise reached and hopefully with the children's well-being kept in the foreground. Would you be open to your husband having sex with another person? I mention this only because Dan Savage, the sex columnist, supports one partner seeking sexual satisfaction elsewhere if the other partner cannot or will not provide it. That's with the partner's knowledge, of course.

 

Not to go off topic, but have you ever tried medical marijuana for your pain? I know some people freak out at the idea, but it really is a miraculous plant. And you can take it in a capsule form. Marijuana might also make sex better for the two of you, helping both of you to relax.

 

Anyway, hope you find some solution. Keep posting.

[ShatteredLady]

Sex obviously isn't what it used to be. I couldn't swing from the chandeliers even on my own!! I guess it like a man having to take Viagra. It breakthrough pain meds, waiting for them to kick in, slowly & gently. My husband has never been very sexually confident. That worked when I was but my body has changed so much, scars, not being able to exercise (only therapy exercises) as my lumbar collapses I loose height so my stomach has nothing to stretch it up. Oh it's hard to explain, I was tall & thin & now I'm average & out of shape. He's very physically conscious & I don't think he finds me attractive. He's been very critical. I'm in reasonable shape for a 45 year old but we all know that without hard exercise, that I can't do, I'm never going to look 20again.

 

If sex is the issue there's nothing I can do is there? If he finds my appearance gross, honestly he needs to move on?? I know lots of couple that age hasn't been kind to but the men's taste seems to of changed with age & they find their wife's curves sexy.

When everything's so bad & we're not communicating. What can I do? Hobbling in in I'll fitting not so sexy underwear isn't going to help. I'm scared he would just laugh at me.

[ShatteredLady]

He wouldn't be able to separate sex from emotion. I couldn't handle him having sex with someone else while we could be together.

 

We smoke MM it just helps him zone out with his computer.

[LoveMyCat]

He wouldn't be able to separate sex from emotion. I couldn't handle him having sex with someone else while we could be together.

 

We smoke MM it just helps him zone out with his computer.

 

I have been on pain meds for the past ten years of a twenty-year marriage and I think my pain had a lot to do with how everything changed and we eventually split in December. I couldn't be the same person anymore. We used to travel all the time, take flights or car trips to Vegas several times a year, go to NFL games, NYC and more. I couldn't even work, ended up on disability from nerved damage arthritis and back issues. I was depressed, he was depressed, money was tighter. We just weren't the same people anymore. In the last year, he was the one who was having severe depression, health issues, super high blood pressure and more. He finally asked me to move out and I did. Sometimes things are no one's fault really...just too much happens for one or the other to handle. To be honest, I was relieved he asked me to go. I did not want to leave him, in his state. He was worse off mentally and emotionally than I am physically, even. So it was sad but necessary. I am really hoping his life improves. He tried, but just could not handle my physical breakdown and I don't hold it against him. It did him more damage, in a way. We both probably have two or three more decades ahead...maybe we can find some peace apart.

 

Anyway...just rambling, not meaning to hijack your thread. Take care.

[scatterd]

I am so sorry for your pain.These men don't follow through with their vows when times are tough the get going. My husband asked for divorce 3 months ago after 21 years of marriage. I am 53 and also have to start all over again. I also suffer from chronic pain I had one herniated disk and 7 more went out 4 is in my neck. I am shaped like an es from scoliosis and my tailbone is turning the opposite direction also I have two cyst in the bottom of my spinal cord.Then I started having pelvic pain I just found out its because of sensory nerve disorder he gave me lyrica which is helping. My Husband gave me sex twice a year and I continued to have it with him even though it hurt.They say that woman stay with men sick but now days the men are running when the wife is ill.I cried my heart out but I have come on board with him due to the cruelty my kids and I have endured. What is funny is I am the one filing. He wants to go to mediator which I am sure he would want. I do not understand how after this many years of our marriages why they do not have compassion enough to stay but thats on them I hope they feel good about it. As we age many get sick who knows maybe they will.Its not like the past when men were loyal to their wives.I do know we are here for a reason. I also know its not Gods doing. I will put you in my prayers you are not alone.Big Hugs

[ShatteredLady]

Thank you so much LoveMyCat & Scattered. Do you think you could ever have another relationship? Is it something you think you could happily live without?

[LoveMyCat]

Thank you so much LoveMyCat & Scattered. Do you think you could ever have another relationship? Is it something you think you could happily live without?

 

Right now, I feel like I could live without another man in my life. I am content with my cat, my few close friends and emailing my sisters every day. Will see what happens much later, but not looking for any dates anytime in the foreseeable future.

[ArtIsMyThing]

I spent alot of time looking back with the words in my mind that he had been my best friend - how could he do this when i raised his children - when we worked together - when we bought homes together - when he was my best friend - how could he do this to me - all of that is fantasy thinking - fine it may have been all of those things once but it is not now and he has done this to me - and i did it to myself by spending 11 months holding him as God and me as Dog ----------- i realise one thing now - i should have let him go - no letting him see my tears or my fears - no letting him see my pain or my mental and emotional anquish - i wish i knew then what i know now - id have walked away and never looked back or text back - id have said 'thankyou for our years together and a love we shared once and for the good and bad times i am grateful for the journey - goodbye

 

I would have said all of that and id have put myself on the pedestal.

 

But the one powerful thing to have come out of this is my art. My brush stroke - my sheer creativity - an amasing journey has unfolded and i will continue to unfold.

 

I live in pain 24/7 and i cant take tablets to get myself moving - i removed all gluten from my diet and i added magnesium and my pain levels are down to 1/3rd - you could try these things - food causes so much pain its incredible.

 

I also use a product called uddermint which is excellent for pain.

 

I broke 3 verterbra in my back - i have arthritis up my spine - fused sacroiliac joints and osteporosis in my hip - being off gluten and on magnesium has been another amasing journey that i took.

 

Listening to Abraham Hicks on relationships has been an awesome emotional turning for me.

 

You have to know you will be ok - dont leave him to make decisions - make your own - do you really want to walk on eggshells like this ?

[ShatteredLady]

Thank you ArtismyThing. I do those except the product...I'll look into it. Hot Epsom salt (magnesium) baths are good. I take VitD, Q10, Bcomplex etc.

I agree what we put into our bodies makes a huge difference.

 

I'm so stuck in the fantasy. We have 2 young kids. I've always been a hapless romantic deep inside. Family is everything to my Dad. I've had that surrounding me all my life. I'm processing a complete shift in reality.

Have you read about the stages of grief for chronic pain? I was feeling like I was just getting to acceptance & it's been such a long road. For years I tried to ignore it because my Mum had spine issues when I was a kid & it just 'went away' (self fused) leaving no pain. I only learnt that this is a forever thing 2-3 years ago. I'm arthritis, all the discs have gone in my lumbar but the bone isn't stable/strong enough + other health issues for fusion to yield a positive result.

 

I feel like we could save this marriage but for how long? Will I always be waiting for him to walk out the door? I have no security in this country. I'm completely reliant on him. Ugh!!! How do you get strong & stop crying? I feel like I can't breath.

[scatterd]

You asked if I thought I would have another relationship.Well maybe but once I find my security it would be something I am not willing to loose again.I have seen a man I love turn into someone I no longer know he has been mean un compassionate and self centered. I had to send my daughter and grandchildren to another house to diffuse a bad situation here.So I never want to go through this again also he is blaming me for everything.I do not trust men at this point of life.