Blindsided by husbands feelings.

[MJJean]

Sex obviously isn't what it used to be. I couldn't swing from the chandeliers even on my own!! I guess it like a man having to take Viagra. It breakthrough pain meds, waiting for them to kick in, slowly & gently. My husband has never been very sexually confident. That worked when I was but my body has changed so much, scars, not being able to exercise (only therapy exercises) as my lumbar collapses I loose height so my stomach has nothing to stretch it up. Oh it's hard to explain, I was tall & thin & now I'm average & out of shape. He's very physically conscious & I don't think he finds me attractive. He's been very critical. I'm in reasonable shape for a 45 year old but we all know that without hard exercise, that I can't do, I'm never going to look 20again.

 

If sex is the issue there's nothing I can do is there? If he finds my appearance gross, honestly he needs to move on?? I know lots of couple that age hasn't been kind to but the men's taste seems to of changed with age & they find their wife's curves sexy.

When everything's so bad & we're not communicating. What can I do? Hobbling in in I'll fitting not so sexy underwear isn't going to help. I'm scared he would just laugh at me.

 

Have you thought about sexy clothes that suck in the gut and hide the scars? Maybe corsets or bustiers , the long kind that go to the hip, and garters with thigh high stockings? What about lingerie that is sort of see through but still hides the tummy and scars in low romantic light? I've found some nice options online just googling.

 

He wouldn't be able to separate sex from emotion. I couldn't handle him having sex with someone else while we could be together.

 

We smoke MM it just helps him zone out with his computer.

 

My husband and I are recreational marijuana users. When he is buzzed and goes on the computer he feels less sexual afterward. When we talked about it he said that being buzzed and on the computer takes him completely out of touch with his body and he's all in his head. So, when he is gaming or messing around reading and it's time for us to go to bed or just spend some unplugged time together he'll do things like stretch or ask for a massage to get him back in touch with his body. Maybe he's like my DH and also in his head and out of touch with his body and his sexuality. Worth investigating.

[ShatteredLady]

Until jan 1st I thought we were a family. Now my mind is just racing. The thought I keep coming back to is faith & emotional trust. Living with unrelenting pain is so much more than just physical pain.

6 months ago my body went septic & I nearly died. I knew I needed to go to the hospital. I asked him to stay home with me but it was an important charity day at work. I had no one to watch my kids so I ended-up waiting until mon morning...I was rushed to the ER & the rest is history. My Mum flew in to help for a couple of weeks while I was bed ridden. Why did I put my health in the background? Because I feel incredibly guilty for becoming this person.

Hobbling along praying things won't get worse, recovering from surgery, facing more, potentially disastrous surgery, taking care of 2 small kids while my pain & mortality screams in my head...isn't this the "sickness & health" bit? Not the "to be happy & live the life I want I need to leave my crippled wife & kids' stage?

Am I being selfish? Why don't we get 'brownie points' for the first "magical" 22 years when I did everything & sacrificed everything for our family? Why when I'm at my lowest & most broken is it ok to throw this at me?

When I returned from the hospital he cooked for us!!!! That's the first time in 25 years!

I'm sorry, I'm going into a crying rant now. If you live your whole life & never have to deal with chronic pain you're very lucky. I'm unfortunate that I've inherited the 'perfect storm' of spine conditions & I'm going through this so young. I'm adjusting to a completely new reality. He's not my family. Just a man who can walk out when the grass looks greener over any fence. You can't judge the strength of your relationship until you truly NEED. Even he describes our life as magical. I feel like a broken reject, a burden on others.

I know I'm stronger than I think I am. I've cared (well) for a baby & toddler, with sciatica & foot drop, crawling with a bowl to vomit in through the pain. I've only staying in bed when recovering from having my body sliced open. I've faught so hard to not be a cripple that needs care. Pain flaring with the bad winter here. I can't go out for a few weekends & he feels like his life is over!!

 

But he can escape! I will be in pain for the rest of my life. I don't complain (rarely) I keep going, keep pushing on, function very well, "extraordinarily well" according to my surgeons & specialists but neither of us know what the future will bring.

This has broken my faith in people. This site is full of people talking about love. I've read some desperately sad young people's posts. I'm so bitter that all I'm thinking is 'You love her so much now. What if she got sick? Not just the flu but really hurt for years...how much would you love her then?'. This isn't like me. I'm a hapless romantic!! I'm lost.

[ShatteredLady]

Thank you for sharing your experiences & good wishes for me ladies. I need to say that. I know I'm ranting off on tangents but I am truly hearing your words. It's taking me a long time to process this. I used to be a very ambitious, vibrant person. I've settled into the mother, wife, family role so much better than I ever imagined I could. I've felt safe & secure. I've never really known another relationship. I dated 'boys' before I met my husband but we've been together forever. It's easy to be a hapless romantic & see the best in people when you've never really had to live in the real world of relationships. I'm still in shock!

I know if I was writing advise for someone in my position I'd say "regain your self respect. Think of your kids. Build a new life" but it's so hard when less than a month ago I believed with complete certainty that we were family & nothing could break us.

[MJJean]

It's hard for me to tell from your posts, is he saying the marriage is over or was he just venting and upset and trying to express his feelings about your disability?

 

I can understand being upset and venting while trying to express frustration and grief over what once was. I cannot understand just walking away because your spouse has become disabled due to a medical issue. I mean, hell, we've all seen people who are struck by tragedy. It's not like we don't know it's possible for that to happen to us or our spouse. When we make those marriage vows we're doing it knowing we can't control the future, that tragedy can strike at any time in various forms, and that we're promising to be there for our spouse through that to the end when one of us passes away.

 

Maybe I am a hopeless romantic, too, or maybe the experience of caring for my mother made me more aware than most people. When I married my husband I figured there might come a day when we were looking at houses with wheelchair access and that someday I could be bathing, feeding, even wiping his butt. We're both 39. Even if that day came tomorrow from some kind of accident or medical event like a stroke I certainly wouldn't bail on him.

 

Pretty sure he wouldn't bail on me, either. We talked about the horrible possibilities that could realistically happen to me at some point. My mom had multiple strokes in her 30's, high blood pressure, and heart issues. Lo annd behold, I have high blood pressure and heart palpitations we aren't sure what causes due to lack of testing thanks to shyte insurance. I also have spinal problems, but nowhere near as severe as yours. I just have a sucky S curve that causes moderate pain. Not bad enough for surgery and I won't take the pain meds because they dummy me out and I have the kids and dogs to handle. DH claims if I am ever disabled from some medical event or accident he'd be there and care for me.

 

I'd like to think he would, but then I guess we never know til we get there.

 

His parents are elderly, in their 80's, and in failing health.It's fast getting to the point where they cannot live on their own anymore as his dad's Parkinsons is progressing. There is talk among the siblings and parents of them going to an independent living facility this spring. He's trying to convince them to sell their house, we sell our house, and buy a duplex or upper/lower so they can remain somewhat independent and we can take care of them. I think that's a good sign that he meant what he said when he said he'd take care of me if I needed it. But then parents are special.

 

You wouldn't happen to be in SE Michigan, would you? Hell, I'd come help you out if you weren't too far away. I'm SAHM who homeschools, so I am in a position to be more useful. {{{HUGS}}}

Edited January 21, 2015 by MJJean

[CarrieT]

Build a new life" but it's so hard when less than a month ago I believed with complete certainty that we were family & nothing could break us.

I'm with MJJean in the confusion.

 

Is your family/relationship "broken" and irrevocable or was he just venting feelings? Are you headed for divorce?

 

It hasn't been clear...

[ArtIsMyThing]

ShatteredLady - i felt like i couldnt breath for 8 months - i got left in a town where i knew noone and just hid behind the walls going insane. I had a raging thyroid causing insanity - my back is buggered - and he got the kids and a huuuuge income - and i was left to go nuts.

 

I wish i could have found strength earlier and instead of sending messages to him that he was god - id have sent a message saying kiss my arse.

 

He is out and about enjoying his life now and i truly hope it works for him. The man i married does not exist and likely he may never have except in my mind. I had to realise i was grieving my own fantasy.

 

If he was the man i thought then he wouldnt have left me in such a state.

 

If i am such an inconvenience - GO - if you dont love me - GO

 

If he had had a stroke id have wiped his spit for him. Its all irrelevant now because he has gone.

 

I will take the money i have been awarded and go start a new life.

 

So lets come to the now - When i broke my back i became very co-dependent - i needed help to do my shoes up - i needed help to get dishes out of low cupboards - but i still cooked meals - now i dont need help at all - its taken me 11 months to realise I am perfectly capable of fending for myself.

 

I have dishes that i use constantly all on high shelves. I wear slip on shoes so no tieing them up. I have a pick up stick so i dont have to bend.

 

I am not saying this has even been an easy journey - when he ended our marriage i though surely i would die - i didnt - i thrived.

 

I know your frightened - what he is doing to you is just awful but hes also doing it to his kids -

 

I still wake up in the morning with thoughts running thru my mind and im scared but it now only takes me about 15 minutes to sort my head out.

 

I filed for divorce. I want a divorce. I would rather be alone then be with a man who could do this to someone he loved. I dont want his friendship because a friend would not do this.

 

I want a small apartment on the beach and my art gear.

 

I will have all of this within 12 weeks.

 

And now i say regain your self respect. Think of your kids. Build a new life

 

I know its hard - Mine walked in on my birthday and ended my marraige - my birthday is soon about to happen - 3 weeks away - i wish like hell i could have regained my self respect when it first happened lol omg the messages i sent declaring my love --- haaa pathetic

[ShatteredLady]

I know my posts leave some confusion...it's because I'm completely confused. In his words, he's wrestling with a huge choice he has to make. He's not ready to give-up on his fantasy life so he's currently choosing between his own future & sacrificing all of his happiness to support his crippled wife & kids.

He hates to talk about personal things at the best of times. We've had some big conversations. Some end with him saying he doesn't love me anymore. He's depressed & doesn't feel anything. Whilst other conversations are 'of course I love you, I just need more!'.

We've decided we're going to 'work at it'. Maybe counciling, maybe depression meds. This started about a month after he was prescribed anxiety meds when he lost his job. He's always suffered from depression as does his twin sister.

I don't know how I can 'work at it'. I've been pushing myself to do things I'm really not in a physical state to do. Breaking my restrictions. Lifting weights I shouldn't etc but that's not a solution & it's not changing anything.

I don't know what's going to happen when he walks through the door. Yesterday it seemed almost normal for a short time. Mostly any conversation, even 'how was work' is like pulling teeth. I hugged him (pathetic I know) when he got home tonight & he pulled back saying "yuck you're all clammy"...when my pains bad I go white, clammy & nauseas. Gross I know! But what can I do?

It's driving me insane. I don't know how to act, what to do from one moment to the next. I'm just paralysed. It's really cold here & that makes my pain even worse. I don't know if I'm coming or going, I have to concentrate just to breath. I'm taking care of 2 young kids while this is going on. It's beyond stressful. I just don't know what's going on. I feel like I'm loosing my mind.

[ArtIsMyThing]

What gives him the right to call decisions? Your walking on eggshells - doing things you shouldnt be doing to try and please him and keeps a marraige.

 

He has the power because you have the fear.

 

Do a complete 180 on him - theres a section here on doing a 180 - take back your power hon. Walk on eggshells for no man - push your body for no man - because in reality it is not about you - and you can do nothing to please him - its about him being a coward and instead of making the best of a wife who loves him - he is ****ting all over you and on his kids.

[Ralph79]

We've decided we're going to 'work at it'.

 

Couldn't stop myself from making you aware of this:

 

Be mindful that there is a possibility that guilt has brought him to tell you he wants to "work at it". However he could be consciously or subconsciously trying to sabotage your marriage in a way that you give him no choice but to leave.

 

The type of answer he gave you upon greeting him is not something a partner who wants to "work at it" would say.

 

Don't let him change you and make you do things you are going to hate in the future. You know the dignity speech. I've seen you post that you are aware it it. I admire what you've gone through. What you've overcome.

 

Believe in yourself. Think of all the effort and sacrifices you, your family and your friends went through, to make you the person you are today. A lot of people love you unconditionally. Imagine how they would feel to see you groveling (figuratively) at the feet at someone so inconsiderate.

 

If you can't muster the courage to tell this man to cut the crap out or go away for your own sake ... then do it for your family and loved ones, who also hurt when someone does this to you.

[ShatteredLady]

We're 'working on this' but I feel whatever happens we have to leave America & move back home. After the reality of this 'divorce choice' sunk in I realized how powerless I've allowed myself to become. If he leaves tomorrow I won't be entitled to any disability or benefits in USA. No pension.

All the reasons I have for living here vanish. No great standard of living, no fantastic schools for the kids. I gave-up my career to come here.

What if it all works out & then he does it again in 10 years? My son would be starting university!! Would I have to take my daughter home leaving my son here? That would kill me!

I don't have my family & friends to turn to. I know that giving up our very, very comfortable life here & our beautiful dream house will be even harder on our relationship. We would be poor at home. Houses cost a LOT more. Money exchange would half the little we have. Everything electrical would have to be replaced etc.

I feel like I could only be 'safe' at home. I've been searching for jobs I could possibly do from home, I couldn't work in an office, I can't stand or sit for any time. I'm completely reliant on my husband. What if we divorce & he chooses to take a year out for an 'adventure'? Me & the kids would be broke & homeless.

 

I'm starting to feel like he does want to stay...I'm still not convinced that guilt, fear of the unknown etc is the reason. I don't want to be his responsibility! I want my best friend, husband back. I don't know if I can ever get over this.

 

He's seeing our doctor on Tuesday to discuss antidepressants & therapy. Meds frighten me. In the past he's always gone very strange on meds. I don't know how much of this is effected by the antidepressant he was taking. He stopped 4 days ago & he sent me a very self deprecating mail yesterday saying I deserve better than him. Ugh!! I don't know what's going on. It changes by the day/hour.

 

A huge change like going home would be better on my kids now than in 5 or 10 years. My daughter hasn't started school yet & my sons in the 3rd grade. How can I trust my future to him after being blindsided like this? He's very proud of all we have, I know being poor will have a huge impact on our relationship.

 

Thank you for letting me talk like this. This is an amazing forum. You guys are so supportive. I feel physically & mentally broken. I'm exhausted & know I could easily let this go. He wrote yesterday that he's so tired & can't imagine feeling like this for the rest of his life. I can't allow this to drift back to normal. I know he has depression but it can't be a 'get out of jail free card'. I get the feeling this is going to become a "I didn't know what I was doing or saying, let's forget it" scenario. Ugh!

 

Of course he could walk through the door in a crappy mood & not talk to me tonight!!

[VikingPrincess]

I'm really appalled and shocked by your husbands lack of coping and frankly moral compass. My mom was in a car accident when I was 14 that completely changed all of our lives. Basically it ruined her back. I am 37 now and so she has been in pain all this time. My father I'm sure has had a hard time but he would never dream of leaving her! He puts her socks on every day and makes sure she has everything she needs. He has also suffered from depression. Depression is not an excuse to leave your spouse. How could your husband be happy with someone else knowing he left you? I'm so sorry this happened to you. You don't deserve this. You deserve better than him in your time of need. Don't despair. The people in your life that truly matter will step up.

[ShatteredLady]

Everything is made worse by my isolation. My family & friends are 5,000 miles away. I'm with my children all day. By the time he gets home & we put the kids to bed & eat we have less than an hour really. I'm exhausted. He's falling asleep. I sit-up most of the night (sometimes all night) & then it starts again.

I don't know what's going on. It seems to change all the time.

 

So here's a question... Has anyone tried to communicate by writing to eachother? I've said he hates talking. This all started with him writing about how he felt. Could just expressing how we feel in mails or something work?

 

I know it sounds silly when we're living in the same house. There are moments when it feels almost 'normal', then everything crashes down on me again. I feel like I'm living a perpetual panick attack. I'm trying to give him space but it's driving me insane. It's starting to effect the kids. My son (8) is constantly trying to help me & telling me he loves me & I'm the best Mummy in the world. My Pre-schooler is acting out. I can't stop crying. I don't know if he even sees what a mess this is.

I can't just go to a friends house or ask my parents to care for the kids for a day. I don't have anyone.

 

To be honest I'm terrified of what he will say. I've already made the huge mistake of saying things hoping for a reply. You know? The pathetic "I know I'm not attractive anymore". Ugh!! I just get silence! Ugh! I'm not this pathetic person.

Dealing with constant pain is hard enough. I don't have the energy. I just want to curl-up in the warm & dark & never wake-up.

He texted me saying "I just want to hold you & say everything's going to be ok but is it?". I replied saying I want nothing more than that. He comes home & I try to cuddle him & he gives me a 'sister kiss' & walks away!

I don't think he knows what he wants but sometimes I think he knows but he's afraid to leave & feels guilty.

He's 'secretly' working out. He's got the big weights out. Is he getting ready to hit the dating scene or is he just trying to improve himself a bit? I don't know. I don't know anything. He's being polite & nice the last couple of days.

[CarrieT]

You guys need a marriage counselor; someone to whom you can both openly talk and deal with these issues.

 

Sure, you can write to each other, but you need a third party to pull out what isn't being said and mediate the problem - because it is a doozy...

[LoveMyCat]

Everything is made worse by my isolation. My family & friends are 5,000 miles away. I'm with my children all day. By the time he gets home & we put the kids to bed & eat we have less than an hour really. I'm exhausted. He's falling asleep. I sit-up most of the night (sometimes all night) & then it starts again.

I don't know what's going on. It seems to change all the time.

 

So here's a question... Has anyone tried to communicate by writing to eachother? I've said he hates talking. This all started with him writing about how he felt. Could just expressing how we feel in mails or something work?

 

I know it sounds silly when we're living in the same house. There are moments when it feels almost 'normal', then everything crashes down on me again. I feel like I'm living a perpetual panick attack. I'm trying to give him space but it's driving me insane. It's starting to effect the kids. My son (8) is constantly trying to help me & telling me he loves me & I'm the best Mummy in the world. My Pre-schooler is acting out. I can't stop crying. I don't know if he even sees what a mess this is.

I can't just go to a friends house or ask my parents to care for the kids for a day. I don't have anyone.

 

To be honest I'm terrified of what he will say. I've already made the huge mistake of saying things hoping for a reply. You know? The pathetic "I know I'm not attractive anymore". Ugh!! I just get silence! Ugh! I'm not this pathetic person.

Dealing with constant pain is hard enough. I don't have the energy. I just want to curl-up in the warm & dark & never wake-up.

He texted me saying "I just want to hold you & say everything's going to be ok but is it?". I replied saying I want nothing more than that. He comes home & I try to cuddle him & he gives me a 'sister kiss' & walks away!

I don't think he knows what he wants but sometimes I think he knows but he's afraid to leave & feels guilty.

He's 'secretly' working out. He's got the big weights out. Is he getting ready to hit the dating scene or is he just trying to improve himself a bit? I don't know. I don't know anything. He's being polite & nice the last couple of days.

 

 

Writing, for now, is better than nothing, as long as it does not become your only method of communication. It is better than screaming at each other, or being rude or indifferent in front of your kids. But counseling is necessary if you intend to stay together.

 

My husband found it easier to communicate in writing...he even emailed me when he finally asked me to move out, lol. He is not the talking type. But we are still cordial-we skipped the big blow-out fights and saying cruel things, by putting our feelings in writing instead. I wanted to leave him but he was ill, so I was hoping he would be the one to say it. I am not saying writing will save your marriage...but it may make your relationship a little better if you do end up splitting, which is never a bad thing.