Tired of feeling like this

[darv]

My wife left me just over a month ago.There was no cheating involved, no abuse, she just wasn't happy. I suspect a lot of it was due to my relationship with my kids (from a previous marriage), but she would never admit to it. We were together almost 9 years, but only married for 6 months. How can a person just walk away so easily? I've seen her a few times since she left and she seems happy as can be, while I'm miserable. Neither of us has mentioned divorce yet, but I'm sure it's coming.We have no children together, which I guess is a good thing, it should make no contact easier, but it doesn't. She still texts me every 2 or 3 days, but never has much to say. She spent the night with me new years eve and again this past weekend, then invited me over for dinner at her parent's house yesterday. I'm so tired of the mixed signals.

[Yasuandio]

She left for a reason. I'll let some of the other vets weigh in on this. Sorry, it sucks. Try to stay no contact. Those get-together's just prolong the pain (and allow her to snoop around the wreckage and fall-out). Yas

[darv]

I try to stay NC, but she always initiates contact, and I guess I'm in a place right now where I can't help but respond. Guess I'm still mired in the illusion that she'll have a change of heart and come back...

[GirlStillStrong]

Of course no one can predict the future but you are still married, so there are infinite possibilities. The best you can (and should!) do is focus on you and your life. Try not to read too much into what is going on with her. People do all sorts of things throughout life, most of which doesn't have anything to do with anything or anyone. So the best thing you can do for your self, for your marriage, and even for your spouse, is to live the best possible life you can, right now. Do the things you've always wanted to do. Be strong.

[BlueIris]

I’d guess she didn’t like how things were and didn’t think they would or could change. That’s why I walked away.

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess I'm in a place right now where I can't help but respond.

 

There's your answer. It's still NC until you respond. So it's not up to her, ball's in your court.

 

I'd tell her to commit or quit. Yas is right, the current arrangement always benefits the leaving spouse. She gets to test the water, get herself set but with no risk since you're Plan B, the Fallback Plan.

 

Are you sure she's not seeing anyone else? Few women jump under those circumstances without somewhere to land...

 

Mr. Lucky

[darv]

I really don't think she's seeing anyone else. She moved back in with her parents. Today makes day 3 of NC, and it's driving me crazy. Not to mention tomorrow is her birthday/our 9 year anniversary. I'm an emotional wreck right now.

[KBarletta]

I really don't think she's seeing anyone else. She moved back in with her parents. Today makes day 3 of NC, and it's driving me crazy. Not to mention tomorrow is her birthday/our 9 year anniversary. I'm an emotional wreck right now.

 

You're only one month in. Considering you've been together 9 years, that's no time at all. You have no kids together, so I'd recommend sticking to NC and working on yourself and trying to heal.

 

"How can a person just walk away so easily?"

 

Chances are she was thinking about this and mulling it over for a while. Seems sudden to you because you didn't know it was coming, but she did. It's unfair to you, but there's not a lot you can do about it at the moment except let her go and give her space. Almost any other reaction from you is only going to make her think she made the right move.

[Yasuandio]

I really don't think she's seeing anyone else. She moved back in with her parents. Today makes day 3 of NC, and it's driving me crazy. Not to mention tomorrow is her birthday/our 9 year anniversary. I'm an emotional wreck right now.

 

The meaning of BD's and Anniversaries can and are suspended and/or twisted during separation and divorce. These normally celebratory and landmark dates are just regular days like every other days at this point. You gotta get real - there ain't gonna be any Hallmark Moments, unless you'd wish to perpetuate your depression of the circumstances. Please, disappear the calander. Yas

[Satu]

Its better for you to proceed under the assumption that you're not going to get back together. Its better to choose acceptance over hope. Thats the way to avoid disappointment.

 

Having said that, it is possible that you'll get back together. Just don't go overboard trying to make it happen.

 

You have an opportunity here to focus on yourself.

 

Use it productively.

[MJJean]

My wife left me just over a month ago.There was no cheating involved, no abuse, she just wasn't happy. I suspect a lot of it was due to my relationship with my kids (from a previous marriage), but she would never admit to it. We were together almost 9 years, but only married for 6 months. How can a person just walk away so easily? I've seen her a few times since she left and she seems happy as can be, while I'm miserable. Neither of us has mentioned divorce yet, but I'm sure it's coming.We have no children together, which I guess is a good thing, it should make no contact easier, but it doesn't. She still texts me every 2 or 3 days, but never has much to say. She spent the night with me new years eve and again this past weekend, then invited me over for dinner at her parent's house yesterday. I'm so tired of the mixed signals.

 

Were you living together before you got married?

 

Statistically, people who live together before marriage are much more likely to divorce. I think a lot of the reason for this stat is relationship issues. People who live together invest so much in their relationship that they don't want to walk away without trying. So, instead of addressing the real issues, they think getting married will fix things. When it doesn't, they separate and divorce.

 

Since you've only been married 6 months, if you were living together before marriage, I wonder if the marriage was supposed to fix problems she saw in the relationship and when that failed she just left.

 

If that's what happened, maybe she would be willing to go to counseling with you and fix the underlying issues?

[darv]

She actually did live with me a few years ago, but I moved a lot so she ended up staying with her parents. She moved back in when we got married. I know for sure most of the issue was between her and my oldest daughter, who still lives with me. For the entire 9 years they haven't gotten along. It just doesn't make sense to me why she would marry me knowing she was also marrying my kids.

[MJJean]

She actually did live with me a few years ago, but I moved a lot so she ended up staying with her parents. She moved back in when we got married. I know for sure most of the issue was between her and my oldest daughter, who still lives with me. For the entire 9 years they haven't gotten along. It just doesn't make sense to me why she would marry me knowing she was also marrying my kids.

 

Maybe she thought being your wife vs being your GF would change the relationship between her and your daughter. She might also have had some other issues with your relationship she hoped marriage would fix.

 

Talk to her. Ask her if she hoped marriage would fix any issues she saw. See if she would be willing to do marriage counseling with you and then family counseling with you, her, and your kids so that her relationship with them could improve.

Edited January 21, 2015 by MJJean

[darv]

I would love to talk to her, but I'm afraid of going backwards. Everything I've read on here says no contact is the way to go. She did agree to go to counseling at first, but since then she's taken a 2nd shift job, so our schedules won't allow it.

[Pakita]

Hello everybody. First post here. Hopefully for the best.

 

darv, I am sorry you are going through that, and feeling that way, but maybe you could help me out with a situation. See, I have been married for 1 yr, 7 months, relationship for 6 years with my husband overall, and am having a lot of problems handling the kids situation. The youngest, 10yo girl, he has joint custody, and we have been having a lot of difficulties because of her (the way she is being brought up, the fact that she is over half the time and our marriage time shrinks in half). Along with other marriage situation.

 

Is there anything you could suggest as the man with children from previous relationship, to a woman, with no children of her own, married to a man with children from previous relationships?

[darv]

pakita, I'm obviously no expert at relationships between kids and step parents. Patience is the only suggestion I can give you.

[MJJean]

Hello everybody. First post here. Hopefully for the best.

 

darv, I am sorry you are going through that, and feeling that way, but maybe you could help me out with a situation. See, I have been married for 1 yr, 7 months, relationship for 6 years with my husband overall, and am having a lot of problems handling the kids situation. The youngest, 10yo girl, he has joint custody, and we have been having a lot of difficulties because of her (the way she is being brought up, the fact that she is over half the time and our marriage time shrinks in half). Along with other marriage situation.

 

Is there anything you could suggest as the man with children from previous relationship, to a woman, with no children of her own, married to a man with children from previous relationships?

 

I'm female, but I can take a stab at it.

 

Well, for the "marriage time" part I can't help you. I have my kids from my first marriage full time. My ex is not involved at all and hasn't been. Plus, we have a child together. It'd almost be a dream to have oldest kids father involved and for him to be willing and able to take them half the time so my DH and I could have "marriage time" together.

 

Honestly, I'd just say that the "time cut in half" thing is par for the course when you've married someone with shared custody. It's just part of life with step-kids. Children are usually a natural part of marriage and when married couples have children they normally have nearly zero couple time, especially when the children are young and need intense care 24/7. You still get half. Not too shabby.

 

As far as the problems with the child, I'd suggest family counseling to help you all get along better. Also, there needs to be firm house rules with consequences that you and your H agreed on, explained to the child, and those rules need to be enforced by each of you consistently. It doesn't matter what her mother lets her get away with. If she's over the age of 4-5 she is old enough to understand the rules at your house apply to your house and that's that. You can't control her behavior at her mom's, but you can control her behavior at your place. By "you" I mean you and your H.

 

Now, your step-daughter will test the rules and boundaries and she will attempt to push your buttons. There will be an "extinction burst". You just need to weather the storm and keep consistent until she adjusts.

 

**None of this will work if you and your husband aren't on the same page. He needs to be all in or she will sense it and go right to divide and conquer.

[darv]

Day 3 of NC. I spent the entire weekend in bed. Not sleeping, just lying there trying to figure out what the hell I did to deserve this misery. Always thought I was a good person, and that karma would reward me for that. So far I fail to see any kind of reward....when will these feelings of hopelessness go away?

[Ralph79]

They go away when you start focusing on yourself. I tend to be one of the good karma believers too, but I've found that sometimes you need to force karma to pay up first.

 

Out of curiosity, what does your oldest daughter think of your current situation in regards to your breakup?

[darv]

my oldest daughter hates seeing me depressed, but I'm sure she's happy that the wife is gone. I've tried several times through the years to convince them to bury the hatchet, which they would do briefly, very briefly.

[Yasuandio]

Karma is not a reward you earn, nor something you are entitled to for being a good person. Karma is simply what you put forward of your own volition. That's it in a nutshell. Yas

[darv]

Been trying to keep my emotions in check, around my kids and especially at work...I own/operate a muffler shop, so I have to deal with a lot of people every day. How effed up is that? Everyone would expect a guy in my position to be some emotionless tough guy...not at all the case here. I work alone, so I spend the entire day inside my own head, and I'll tell you, that's not a good place to be. I was doing great this morning (as great as one could expect under the circumstances), when out of nowhere the tears came pouring out. This has been an everyday thing for me, so much so that it would be strange to me if I didn't cry.

[Ralph79]

Been trying to keep my emotions in check, around my kids and especially at work...I own/operate a muffler shop, so I have to deal with a lot of people every day. How effed up is that? Everyone would expect a guy in my position to be some emotionless tough guy...not at all the case here. I work alone, so I spend the entire day inside my own head, and I'll tell you, that's not a good place to be. I was doing great this morning (as great as one could expect under the circumstances), when out of nowhere the tears came pouring out. This has been an everyday thing for me, so much so that it would be strange to me if I didn't cry.

 

Life is full of ironies. I run a company I inherited. Before my dad passed away, even though he ran the business, he would bring me to meetings because he said I had a "gift" of being able to read between the lines when it came to other people's intentions. I've always been quiet but very observant. I could pick up people's tics, quirks, reactions and any subtle nuances that might tip me off to what they were really thinking in regards to what my dad was proposing. Yet I had no clue about what was going on in my marriage.

 

It's difficult to get a grip on things. I had to attend meetings after my dad passed away and my wife left, and would excuse myself to the bathroom where I would cry and look at the mirror wishing I would never have to go back out there. But we have to.

 

Eventually my job became my therapy. I found the joy in doing it that I could never develop when my dad was alive. I was too busy living life carelessly back then. I only wish he was still here so we could exchange ideas man to man.

 

You have a business and children. You have a lot to look forward to. You have no idea how many people wish they were in your shoes. If I were you, I would drive around town and see how much sadness and poverty there is in the world, and here we are, with the ability to make a difference for ourselves, our family and our community. Sometimes we lose sight of that.

[darv]

Thanks for the insight Ralph79. I do feel fortunate in that I own a business, but part of it seems so empty. My wife (girlfriend at the time) worked with me for 7 years. She helped make this place what it is today. Now that she's gone, I find myself resenting this place. I no longer enjoy doing the work I do because the person I so enjoyed working with is no longer here. As sad as it is to say, it wouldn't bother me a bit if the place folded today. I used to love doing this type of work. They say you'll meet the love of your life while doing something you love to do...this is where I met her.

[81West]

It's soooo early in the processes. Be gentle with yourself. So many of us here know how painful the early months are, but know too that you really do arrive at a place of peace and contentment eventually. It's so confusing and painful and diminishing to lose somebody when you're still in love. But the truth is that if it's not mutual it's not what we think we're clinging to. It's not what it was, and not what we need and not what anybody deserves.