Tired of feeling like this

[darv]

Ralph79; I think you hit the nail on the head , I'm not ready to let go. I guess I'm the guy who refuses to give up until I know I've exhausted every effort at reconciliation. Maybe at the very end, if there is one, I'll find some peace in knowing that I did everything I possibly could to save my marriage. I don't plan to file for divorce, and even if I did I would need to wait 90 days to file due to state statute. I figure until she files, there might still be something left to salvage. After she files, if she does, would be my sign that I need to move on. Not that I enjoy being left here in marriage purgatory, but when I stood in front of God, my family, and a handful of friends 8 months ago, I made a promise...a promise that I want to keep. It really sucks that the ball is totally in her court, but it is. She still has quite a few things at my house, and as much as it pains me to think of divorce, there may be proceedings there...so as far as going NC, it's almost inevitable that I'll see her at least twice more before I can actually begin with the healing process. The fact that we both live in the same small town also kinda screws my odds of never seeing her again, but I guess we'll see what happens and deal with that when I get there. I really do appreciate the feedback & advice offered by everyone. You know, it's funny...somehow talking about this keeps my mind busy enough that I'm not thinking about her. I know that makes no sense, but I never claimed to make sense.

[darv]

What's an MMO?

[Ralph79]

Ralph79; I think you hit the nail on the head , I'm not ready to let go. I guess I'm the guy who refuses to give up until I know I've exhausted every effort at reconciliation. Maybe at the very end, if there is one, I'll find some peace in knowing that I did everything I possibly could to save my marriage. I don't plan to file for divorce, and even if I did I would need to wait 90 days to file due to state statute. I figure until she files, there might still be something left to salvage. After she files, if she does, would be my sign that I need to move on. Not that I enjoy being left here in marriage purgatory, but when I stood in front of God, my family, and a handful of friends 8 months ago, I made a promise...a promise that I want to keep. It really sucks that the ball is totally in her court, but it is. She still has quite a few things at my house, and as much as it pains me to think of divorce, there may be proceedings there...so as far as going NC, it's almost inevitable that I'll see her at least twice more before I can actually begin with the healing process. The fact that we both live in the same small town also kinda screws my odds of never seeing her again, but I guess we'll see what happens and deal with that when I get there. I really do appreciate the feedback & advice offered by everyone. You know, it's funny...somehow talking about this keeps my mind busy enough that I'm not thinking about her. I know that makes no sense, but I never claimed to make sense.

 

To be honest, I'm still baffled that your wife would leave you w/o a justifiable cause. I can understand your shock and thus your unwillingness to start divorce proceedings.

 

Look at it this way. Your wife may not be seeing another man, but she is "taking a break" from your marriage. Seeing if the single life is something worth exploring again. I'm not implying she's seeing another man, but with you out of the picture, she's turning the clock back and re-experiencing life with the new found wisdom the time with you added to her life.

 

This is not fair to you. You never agreed to this "time out". Yet it is exactly what she is doing. Like you I resisted getting a divorce. Until my wife literally said she wasn't coming back until she knew that things with her xBF wouldn't work out again for a 4th time. Adding that if it failed then she would have to think a good 6 months if she still wanted to stay in the marriage and she would then inform me of her decision. (This was the last straw. This was nothing compared to what she had already done to me.)

 

Like you, I wanted to honor the vow I made to my wife. I thought I had to endure anything that came my way for the sake of our marriage. That life was merely testing us. But after hearing her words I realize that people live life by their own rules. That some people (like her) take advantage of the honor and benevolence of others. I felt like a dog that was told to "sit" outside throughout rain and snow, while my "master" went out and about doing whatever she wanted, and forgot that I was left outside. I felt life would reward me for sticking to my beliefs but it never did.

 

Then I realized that I was really hiding behind my beliefs. I was afraid to let go. I was blinded by jealousy at the thought of her with her xBF. I was scared to think I would never find someone as beautiful as her ever again. And I masked my fears and convinced myself and others that I was fighting for our marriage for the sake of our vows, when in fact I was just afraid to face life on my own again.

 

I was obsessing over her, like you are over your wife. And I hesitantly removed all her pictures around my house. I cried non stop while I stored everything because I knew I was forgetting her. How could I bring myself to do this...

 

Yet looking back at that 1 year ago, I laugh today and tell myself "God, what an idiot I was. Why didn't I do that sooner". My exwife has emailed me a few times since then, and I have growm emotionally detached from her enough to not even open them anymore. The first couple of emails stated she wanted to remain friends because "I will always be one of the most, if not the most important man in her life". The last emails I simply sent to the trashcan directly. No point in letting her confuse me anymore.

 

So maybe you'll experience something similar. I don't know. But it's nice to share and know your hardships sometimes helped others get through tough times. Also it really helps giving other people advice because you stop thinking about your problem, and start putting your mind to work on something other than her.

 

Lastly an MMO is a Massive Multiplayer Online game for computers. You're probably not into that thing given that you didn't know the meaning, but back when I played, I met hundreds of people from ages 12-60 interacting on a daily basis through a mic trying to accomplish in-game goals together. If you get into that , it's actually like a playground for adults and you build bonds with people who are like minded. A lot of them played to escape problem in Real Life, although it can turn into an addiction if abused (like anything else). If you find yourself having too much time alone and depressed, you might want to look into it or some other social activity like these forums.

[darv]

Ralph79;If you ever find yourself in northern Indiana, look me up. I'd like to buy you a drink. Everything you post makes so much sense. You're absolutely right about my obsessing over her. If I stop and really think about it, I'm not so sure that moving on is such a bad idea. We've really grown into totally different people through the years. Not that I don't love her, but I'm not so sure I'm in love with who she is. I mean, anyone who is callous enough to walk out just days before Christmas....really?

[Ralph79]

Appreciate the offer friend, and if life ever puts me in your neck of the woods, I'll look and see how you're doing.

 

These things are never easy. Even though there's no physical harm being done to us the pain is very real. I know how much you miss her presence in your life. Probably more than you miss her if you really think about it.

 

Nothing is guaranteed in life. She could come back begging for forgiveness. You never know. So be grateful for what you DO have and stop producing melodramas in your head and start working on finding your passion again.

[C h r i s]

Ralph79; I think you hit the nail on the head , I'm not ready to let go. I guess I'm the guy who refuses to give up until I know I've exhausted every effort at reconciliation. Maybe at the very end, if there is one, I'll find some peace in knowing that I did everything I possibly could to save my marriage. I don't plan to file for divorce, and even if I did I would need to wait 90 days to file due to state statute. I figure until she files, there might still be something left to salvage. After she files, if she does, would be my sign that I need to move on. Not that I enjoy being left here in marriage purgatory, but when I stood in front of God, my family, and a handful of friends 8 months ago, I made a promise...a promise that I want to keep. It really sucks that the ball is totally in her court, but it is. She still has quite a few things at my house, and as much as it pains me to think of divorce, there may be proceedings there...so as far as going NC, it's almost inevitable that I'll see her at least twice more before I can actually begin with the healing process. The fact that we both live in the same small town also kinda screws my odds of never seeing her again, but I guess we'll see what happens and deal with that when I get there. I really do appreciate the feedback & advice offered by everyone. You know, it's funny...somehow talking about this keeps my mind busy enough that I'm not thinking about her. I know that makes no sense, but I never claimed to make sense.[/quote

 

Darv, reading about your present situation is like looking in a mirror the way it's affecting you and me. We both are hurting and it is clear to see. I feel your pain in such similar fashion.

 

Here's my thread if you'd like to read about my ongoing seperation.

 

Stay strong, it's hard beyond measure I know,

 

Chris.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/513648-break-up-after-22-years-exremely-hard-cope

[darv]

Something that has been really bothering me for the last couple of days is the fact that I'm losing more than the love of my life, I'm also losing her family...yeah, I'm one of a handful of guys out there who genuinely loves his in-laws. They are such caring, affectionate and generous people. I feel more at home around them than I do with my own parents, and now that's gone,as well as my sister-in-law and 2 nieces, one of whom I love dearly(she's 8 years old and having a hard time with this too). The entire family has been urging her to reconsider her choice, as they love me as much as I do them. My mother-in-law has already stated several times that I'm more than welcome in their home, but I can't bring myself to go there because they have so many pictures of my wife displayed, not to mention our wedding pictures. I'm also pretty sure that would be breaking NC in a way. My wife also lives there, and although she works 2nd shift, there's always the possibiliy of running into her there.

[Sladdly]

You're only one month in. Considering you've been together 9 years, that's no time at all. You have no kids together, so I'd recommend sticking to NC and working on yourself and trying to heal.

 

 

 

Chances are she was thinking about this and mulling it over for a while. Seems sudden to you because you didn't know it was coming, but she did. It's unfair to you, but there's not a lot you can do about it at the moment except let her go and give her space. Almost any other reaction from you is only going to make her think she made the right move.

 

Same thing happened to me... she said she has felt this way for a long time but it was news to me too when she wanted to separate. Just started our NC today as we have been talking still for the past month. Stay strong.. thats all we can do in this time of trivial emotions and what cards life has dealt us.

[darv]

I'm trying to stay strong...but with the cards life has dealt me, I'm just about ready to fold.

[Ralph79]

Something that has been really bothering me for the last couple of days is the fact that I'm losing more than the love of my life, I'm also losing her family...yeah, I'm one of a handful of guys out there who genuinely loves his in-laws. They are such caring, affectionate and generous people. I feel more at home around them than I do with my own parents, and now that's gone,as well as my sister-in-law and 2 nieces, one of whom I love dearly(she's 8 years old and having a hard time with this too). The entire family has been urging her to reconsider her choice, as they love me as much as I do them. My mother-in-law has already stated several times that I'm more than welcome in their home, but I can't bring myself to go there because they have so many pictures of my wife displayed, not to mention our wedding pictures. I'm also pretty sure that would be breaking NC in a way. My wife also lives there, and although she works 2nd shift, there's always the possibiliy of running into her there.

 

If she involves herself with someone else, you know they have to welcome the new guy too. As much as they love you, they will have to support her and make him feel at home just like they did to you.

 

I'd say return the courtesy of having your home always open for them, but don't initiate contact with them. I'm pretty sure they will understand.

 

I used to get along pretty well with my FIL and invited all of her family on trips a couple of times per year. Fortunately I said my goodbyes to them just before things got ugly. I know my exwife told them countless lies, but I left trusting my actions in the past would speak for themselves on my behalf. I didn't care to dispute anything she might tell them anymore. It was no longer my concern.

 

Also

 

"but with the cards life has dealt me, I'm just about ready to fold."

 

Darv, please list the bad cards life has dealt you. All of them. Get it off your chest.

[darv]

Ralph79; I get your point, I based the "cards life has dealt me" in the here and now. Overall, life has been decent for me. Maybe I needed that gratitude check. It's just really hard to count my blessings when I can't seem to focus on anything but this separation.

[KBarletta]

Ralph79; I get your point, I based the "cards life has dealt me" in the here and now. Overall, life has been decent for me. Maybe I needed that gratitude check. It's just really hard to count my blessings when I can't seem to focus on anything but this separation.

 

One thing I have done every day (originally on advice from my therapist) before I go to bed is think of five things to be thankful for that day and consciously make an effort to be thankful for them. It could be anything: A good meal, a nice conversation with a friend, a song that came on the radio, whatever. And make sure they have nothing to do with my wife. It has helped me refocus my thoughts and it forces me to think about other things as I go to sleep, a time when it would normally be prime time to dwell on relationship problems, etc.

[darv]

KBarletta; Thank you for the advice, I will try that. It's probably gonna take some time to condition myself to think of anything but her at bedtime, but I'm willing to try anything. Seems like bedtime is especially hard to focus on anything but her. I catch myself constantly trying to analyze the situation at hand, and end up overthinking it and driving myself crazy with the "what ifs" and "should haves". I'm less than 2 months into this, and I really hope it doesn't go on much longer.

[Ralph79]

I'm going to share something I really shouldn't. But I'll do this for the sake of making conversation to take your mind off things.

 

I took a different approach to KBarletta's suggestion on being thankful for things. Though I tried it and it helped me at first, I was very undisciplined and wanted a quick fix solution to my state of mind.

 

I think I suffer from ADHD so being disciplined and organized and sticking to a regimen is very difficult to me, especially back when I was "in hell" so to

speak. So while KBarletta's suggestion is very sound advice and you should definitely follow it, it didn't work for someone like me because I couldn't stick to it.

 

Months after splitting, after countless therapy sessions, and a near fatal car crash that led me to accept that my wife didn't love me (long story on another thread), I still felt helpless. I felt despair every second. I would non-stop go over my marriage in my head when driving, when walking, when sleeping. I was a prisoner of my own thoughts. I'll share the details of my life when I get private message access but it was a very dark place for me. My wife did things to me that I haven't fully shared that I am beyond ashamed of.

 

I had enough.

 

I decided it was time to end it. I concluded that the misery, pain and solitude I was feeling was worse than feeling nothing at all. I got supplies ready and I marked the following Sunday on my calendar. I had given myself 7 days to live.

 

I was so happy. I was crying because I felt relief somehow. I knew it was in my hands to finally end my misery. I wrote out letters to people I knew cared about me. I apologized to everyone of them for giving up. I asked them to please keep it as private as possible, for the sake of those who might wrongly feel guilty.

 

I gave myself one week because I was determined to enjoy and appreciate life's gifts one last time.

 

I talked to friends I hadn't talked to in years just to say Hi. I suddenly had the courage to face problems at my job that I had avoided. I took the time to enjoy my mother, my sister and my brother. I knew I had mere days left and I made the most of them.

 

Sunday came.

 

I sat down analyzing my life. I realized that for the first time that I can remember, I gained control of it. I was fearless. As an added benefit I also then realized I hadn't thought of my marriage or my ex all week. I was too busy enjoying the rest of my life.

 

A phrase I had constantly heard finally sunk in:

 

"I am the only one making my life miserable".

 

Those words never rang more true. I kept those who hurt me at bay and I focused on myself and on those worthy of my time during that week.

 

I lost a little bit of the enthusiasm since then, but I realized life is too short to be miserable. Sometimes I forget that still, because 1 week turns into years right before our eyes.

 

Now please, to anyone who reads this, I'm not suggesting you plan to kill yourselves. This was an idiotic idea on my part. But I had given up. I hope that by sharing this, I can convey the lesson I learned without you having to go through the experience. A lot of people don't make it to Monday, and that makes me cry, because life is really what you make of it. It will pay any price you ask of it.

[darv]

My oldest daughter just told me that she can't stand to be around me any more because of my depression....that really stings.

[Ralph79]

One day, you will let life's joys embrace you and you will laugh about all this. I promise. It will pass.

 

 

Try and call up a friend if you can and take your mind of your troubles if possible.

 

That was kind of unfair of your daughter given the circumstances btw.

[KBarletta]

My oldest daughter just told me that she can't stand to be around me any more because of my depression....that really stings.

 

I know it's hard but you need to do everything in your power to keep your feelings over the loss of your relationship separate from your relationship with your daughter. I struggle with the same thing at times, believe me, but the last thing your daughter needs right now is a depressed, sad, mopey, needy dad. She needs you to be strong and to try to be happy when she is around you, or else she could begin to blame herself for how you feel and that is definitely going to make matters worse.

 

It takes a lot of emotional energy, but I try to never let my daughter see how upset my marriage troubles are causing me. I don't succeed 100 percent of the time (such as when I am in the car with her and we drive right past my wife with another guy) but I'd say 95 percent.

 

Hang in there!

[darv]

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I own/operate an auto repair shop, one of just a handful around town. So this morning the phone rings, and it's her. Strikes me as kinda odd, because normally she would call my cell. Like a dumbass, I answer. She called to set an appointment for some exhaust work on her car...I don't know what to do. I went ahead and set an appointment for Friday, but I've been trying to figure out the best plan of action. I could always call her back & suggest she take her car elsewhere, but referring people to other shops isn't a great idea from a business standpoint. I could ask that she have her dad or sister bring it in, but I don't want her to sense how torn up I am about this. My final option would be to deal with her directly and try to maintain my composure, although I honestly don't think I can. Any suggestions?

[Ralph79]

Hmm.. very interesting definitely.

 

I think she's trying to send a message. If she's not uncomfortable with seeing you for a job, why should you?

 

But experience tells me it's more than that.

 

In your shoes I wouldn't get my hopes up or down. Stay calm. You've been put through hell as you've stated. Don't forget:

 

a) You don't HAVE to do this. 1 job you refer to the competition will not KILL your business, you and I know that. And this is 1 hell of a job.

 

b) Can you have someone be with you for emotional support? It's not the same to be with this woman alone than to be in a group. You'll be able to keep composure better.

 

c) Don't forget that there was no cheating involved and she was unhappy. There's a high probability she wants to see you and interact with you because she misses you and is wondering if life is truly better without you.

 

So my advice is IF you can keep composure then take this opportunity to show her you can be upbeat, positive and have a great life with her or on your own. If she senses you've been moody or depressed or missing her, in my experience it works against you. However never lose sight that you would be doing this for yourself, a chance to get peace of mind. Not to win her back.

 

But this is really important for you. And I hope and implore readers to chime in. I only have experience with 1 relationship. Others might not be as naive as me or have better tips.

[darv]

I'm really dreading this weekend. For the past 9 years, valentine's day has been a pretty special day for us...more so than Christmas or any other holiday. Now that there isn't an us, I'm kinda lost as for what to do. Ironically, v-day will mark 2 months since she left me. I know I should go do something for myself, but I don't feel emotionally stable enough to do so yet. I have a hard enough time keeping it together when I'm by myself...seems to be a lot worse when I go anywhere, especially if I see any couples hoding hands, or arm in arm, I really start to miss what we had...Driving myself crazy.

[Ralph79]

After my breakup, I started viewing Valentines Day as just another day. A commercial excuse to sell heart shaped goods and red colored items.

 

If you think about it, there's no reason why it shouldn't be Valentines Day every day of the year when you are with someone you love. I find it dumb that we have to "push the envelope" on a particular day just because society tells us to.

 

Granted it's a rather bitter way to look at things, but given my alternative (mope around that I don't have anyone to celebrate the festivity with in a romantic way), I stick to bitter for the time being.

 

Hope that helps.

[darv]

Really missing her today for some reason. I mean, I know the reason, but it seems magnified today. I miss the routine that I had become so comfortable with. I never really had a routine before she came into my life...I was always a bit unorganized & undisciplined before. She put structure into our home and it worked.I know I shouldn't be romanticising our relationship, because it no longer exists, but I really can't help it...I woke up missing her like crazy. I've never hurt so much for so long in my entire life. I want this pain to go away, but the cost of that breaks my heart even more.

[Ralph79]

Really missing her today for some reason. I mean, I know the reason, but it seems magnified today. I miss the routine that I had become so comfortable with. I never really had a routine before she came into my life...I was always a bit unorganized & undisciplined before. She put structure into our home and it worked.I know I shouldn't be romanticising our relationship, because it no longer exists, but I really can't help it...I woke up missing her like crazy. I've never hurt so much for so long in my entire life. I want this pain to go away, but the cost of that breaks my heart even more.

 

You gonna see her tomorrow?

[darv]

No, I'm not. Not tomorrow, or the day after that, or....I know I'm making this harder on myself than it needs to be, guess I've always been a glutton for punishment...That and I'm probably a bit more hypersensitive than your average 40-something guy.I know I'll get past this, I want to get past this, I NEED to get past this. Trust me, I can't wait for the day that I can look back on the last 9 years of my life and smile because of the memories of precious moment I had the fortune of sharing with this girl. It'll beat the hell out of the tears that those same memories are causing right now.

[darv]

I think more than missing her, I miss the stability and continuity that our relationship brought. Not that it's not possible to achieve stability & continuity on my own, it just seemed so much easier when we worked together towards our common goals. By myself, I tend to procrastinate and lack focus. A couple qualities that she brought to the table were definitely focus and initiative...which made us a good fit, in my opinion. Not that with a little dicipline I wouldn't be able to attain my goals flying solo, I've just always been more of a team player. I've always enjoyed having her to share with me our trials and tribulations, life for me is a lot more fun when I can share it.