Tired of feeling like this

[Ralph79]

I thought you said you made an appointment to fix her Car for next friday (tomorrow) when she called you.?

 

Or did the car thing get scratched altogether?

[darv]

Yeah, I decided it would probably be in the best interest for both of us if she had the work done elsewhere. Kinda sucks, because I'm the only person who's ever worked on the car. And from a mechanic's point of view, that's a good thing, no mysteries or surprises when no one has turned a wrench on it besides yourself. I'm just not emotionally ready to interact with her on a business platform. Seems to me it would be too awkward and upsetting, at least for me. I know it's probably not possible, but I'd like to think that some day we can be friends...maybe years from now. Maybe with a little more maturity & effort from both sides we can be more than friends. I really hope for that possibility.

[Ralph79]

Honestly man if you haven't seen her since you started the NC on your end, I think she's beginning to lose her resolve.

 

Don't mean to get your hopes up (or down), but looking at things logically, I really can't think of a reason why she would want her car serviced by you when she wants no part of you romantically. That's just cruel. She knows how you feel, and I think it's just an excuse to be honest. I'll willing to bet her car is fine.

 

I could be wrong. I probably am, all I'm saying is, she put you in this hole, and she gets to peek and see you whenever she starts missing you? That's kind of unfair to you.

 

I think you did the right thing and sent a strong message by declining to service her car. (If you handled it properly of course).

Edited February 12, 2015 by Ralph79

[darv]

It's been 3 weeks since I've seen her, the longest I've ever gone without seeing her. And you're right, it is unfair of her to play me like this, and it's dragging the entire situation out a lot farther than it should go. As for getting my hopes up, I do that to myself. I'm trying to get a better handle on that and come to terms with the finality of all this. I don't know if I handled it properly or not, I sent her a text basically saying the same thing I said here; I'm not emotionally ready to deal with her at this time. I really hate that it's like this, because I'm so afraid that I'm driving the wedge between us deeper than it was, but for my own emotional well-being, this was the only feasable solution.

[Ralph79]

I'm so afraid that I'm driving the wedge between us deeper than it was, but for my own emotional well-being, this was the only feasable solution.

 

The way I see it you are healing, so that if there is ever a day that you might find yourself making a decision, on weather or not you would take her back, you will be emotionally prepared to deal with ANYTHING from here on out, and THIS will never happen EVER again.

 

Dude, I am extremely impressed with what you just posted. You have no idea. I wish I would have had the will to do what you are doing when I went through this. It would have saved me a lot of damage.

 

I seriously mean it. My tactics were merely means to an end : get her back.

 

You are honestly working on yourself. I'm doing that right now, 1 year later. Not 3 weeks later.

[darv]

Ralph79; Thank you for the encouraging words. I value your advice, and it really helps me feel better about my situation to know that somebody out there thinks I'm on the right track. Now, if I can just keep it from derailing...As far as me taking her back is concerned, of course I would. In a heartbeat! The only condition I would place on her return would be a visit...or several..to marriage counseling. Maybe some personal therapy for both of us. And even with those boundaries in place, I think we might both benefit from remaining separated for a while. How long? I don't know. But I do know I've still got a lot of work to do on myself before I'm ready to jump back in to trying to fix us.

[Ralph79]

Ralph79; Thank you for the encouraging words. I value your advice, and it really helps me feel better about my situation to know that somebody out there thinks I'm on the right track. Now, if I can just keep it from derailing...As far as me taking her back is concerned, of course I would. In a heartbeat! The only condition I would place on her return would be a visit...or several..to marriage counseling. Maybe some personal therapy for both of us. And even with those boundaries in place, I think we might both benefit from remaining separated for a while. How long? I don't know. But I do know I've still got a lot of work to do on myself before I'm ready to jump back in to trying to fix us.

 

As long as it takes for you to accept that the world is not going to end if she's gone.

[darv]

I"ve been working hard trying to convince myself that this separation or divorce is happening for a reason' and that I'll come out stronger in the end...then I looked in the mirror this morning. I've never looked worse. DARK circles under my eyes. I stepped on the scale, 30 pounds lighter than I was 2 months ago...and I'm not a big person, 5'10" and normally 200#. I can hardly type this because I'm shaking so much.Been separated 2 months, NC in 3 weeks outside a phone call & a text concerning auto repair. Everything I've read says it gets easier & I'll get better...I hope it happens soon, I can't afford to lose more weight.

[Ralph79]

I"ve been working hard trying to convince myself that this separation or divorce is happening for a reason' and that I'll come out stronger in the end...then I looked in the mirror this morning. I've never looked worse. DARK circles under my eyes. I stepped on the scale, 30 pounds lighter than I was 2 months ago...and I'm not a big person, 5'10" and normally 200#. I can hardly type this because I'm shaking so much.Been separated 2 months, NC in 3 weeks outside a phone call & a text concerning auto repair. Everything I've read says it gets easier & I'll get better...I hope it happens soon, I can't afford to lose more weight.

 

I think you just described what someone who is recovering from an addiction would look like. Think about it. It WILL get better.

 

Start cooking or treat yourself to a nice meal with your Daughter at a good restaurant. Based on what you just said, the worst thing you can do is sweep all this under the rug and think everything gets better just by letting your wife back into your life.

 

This is not ok. You know this. You don't deserve this.

 

I will repeat what I've said on other threads (maybe this one too),

 

For a relationship to work it takes TWO whole people. Both need to symbiotically share happiness together. Meaning each one is responsible for bringing happiness to the table. Happiness that stems from within, not because of someone.

 

Getting depressed is easy. Being happy takes hard work. You have to work diligently at it every day until it becomes a habit. Go out jogging, cook, educate yourself in something new.

 

It's so much easier to sit down and do nothing and feel sorry for yourself. Anyone can do that, which is why happy people are so coveted.

[Thatsunpossible]

Darv, I want to tell you, even when you don't feel ok, you are still ok. This has been awesome to follow and Ralph is 100% right. This will get better. I went through the same thing: obsessing over what she was doing, losing sleep, losing weight, the whole thing. I'm nine months out now and it is soooooo much better. It will happen for you too. Keep doing the right thing, taking care of yourself, and you will start feeling better.

 

And Ralph, thank you for not doing yourself in. You have a real gift for helping people, as I have seen in almost every thread.

[Ralph79]

thanks Thatsunpossible,

 

The way I see it, the more people benefit from what little wisdom my experiences provided me, the more that heavy price I paid for that knowledge seems like a bargain.