lonely and insecure, i need help.

[Mike]

There's an 8 years difference between me and my girlfriend who I love so very much and more than my own life. She told me she loves me very much too and more than anything. I have this personality that when i fall madly in love, i give all of me. In short, I become a martyr and so devoted. Since I care so much, sometimes I feel that my girlfriend doesn't care and love me that much no matter how many times she told me that she really does. I sometimes feel that she might be holding back in showing me how much she loves me. I always find myself asking her how much she loves me and only me. In other words, I'm very insecure. A friend told me that if I continue to be insecure and doubt her feelings, my relationship with my girlfriend won't last long. I also read in a book that the no.1 relationship killer is insecurity coz it will wear out even the most devoted lover. Am I really insecure? What should I do? Why and how does insecurity destroy a relationship? Am I just caring too much which made me feel like she doesn't care for me that much? What should i do?

 

My friend even told me that my girlfriend is also insecure that's why she intentionally showed me that she doesn't care for me very much coz she likes to see me get insecure coz that's where she'll know that i really love and care for her very much. My friend also told me that if I stop showing her that i'm insecure then my girlfriend might start to show more love and appreciation for my being so devoted, sort of a reverse psychology thing. Is my friend correct? Is my girlfriend insecure as well that's why i felt she doesn't care and love me that much? If I stop to show her that I'm insecure, will my girlfriend think that i'm changing or doesn't love her that much as before since she might be insecure too and is living by my insecurities?

 

I'm very confused. I hope you guys can answer my questions and give me some advice. Thanks in advance.

[Tony T]

First of all, this is NOT a healthy relationship.

 

I agree with your friends that you will ultimately destroy this relationship with your insecurity. I personally would recommend psychological counselling to get to the root of your low self esteem and low regard for yourself. Insecurity often stems from childhood experiences, especially relationships with parents and other signficant caregivers.

 

You will get very old to this girl very fast. Women want a MAN, not a lovesick pup who is there to handle their every whim. She may think it's OK now but ultimately she will get sick of it.

 

YOU ASK:

 

1. "Am I really insecure?"

 

Very much so, from what you describe here.

 

2. "What should I do?"

 

Until you see a counsellor and work on yourself, start thinking more of yourself and stop thinking you need to bend over backwards for somebody to love you and remain with you. What you are doing right now will backfire on you as sure as the stars shine above.

 

Just remember, a woman who is really going to love you is going to love you no matter how little or how much you do for her...and a woman who is not going to love to you is not going to love you no matter how much you do for her.

 

3. "Why and how does insecurity destroy a relationship?"

 

I've already explained this. Insecurity is NOT sexy. By nature, women want a protector...someone who is confident and self assured. They don't want to have their ass kissed. They don't want somebody who's going to be around all the time to wait on them on bended knees. That sickens most women, except for the users who will use you until they get everything they want...and then LEAVE!!!

 

4. "Am I just caring too much which made me feel like she doesn't care for me that much?"

 

If you are going to be this way in a realtionship, you will drive yourself insane. Right now, you are pathetically lovesick. There is some reason for this which will have to be taken up with a therapist. Healthy levels of love are not driven by pathological preoccupations with who loves who more or less or whatever. A healthy love relationship is driven my mutual admiration, respect and caring. When you really love someone, you have to be just as willing to let them go as you are to have them around. Try to put chains around love and you are the one who ends up being chained.

 

5. "What should i do?"

 

Get help fast, and highly competent help. Read books on self esteem, relationships, etc. Find out why you are so insecure. You will destroy every healthy relationship with every worthwhile lady until you die unless you work on this. This lady you are with now may just by chance be needing some sort of the kind of assurance you are giving her because she may have gotten out of an abusive relationship...or maybe there is some other dysfunction involved. But once she realizes what's going on, it will only be a matter of time...maybe minutes...before she is out of there.

 

You have GOT to do something about this NOW.

 

I don't think your girlfriend is that insecure if she shows you she doesn't care. I think she is trying to give you a message...that she wants a MAN. You better start having some confidence in yourself.

 

You have this incredible fear of abandonment. You will go to any extent necessary to preserve love for yourself. Did one of your parents die when you were young? Did you have a traumatic abandonment by someone you loved when you were a child? Did you parents get divorced?

 

The way you are now, you are absolutely assuring the demise of every relationship you get into.

 

Your girlfriend has no reason to play psychological games with you. Right now, I'm sure she is praying you will get help. You don't even have any idea how a guy should behave in a relationship. You need to find someone who will tell you...and just fake it till you get better if you want this girl to be around you.

 

You give her no reasons whatsoever to play anything but the cruelest games with you.

 

6. "My friend also told me that if I stop showing her that i'm insecure then my girlfriend might start to show more love and appreciation for my being so devoted, sort of a reverse psychology thing. Is my friend correct?"

 

If you have been showing a woman that you are insecure, you are nuts. That's the last thing a woman wants in her life. Hell, yes, your friend is right, right, right, right, right. This is not a reverse psychology thing at all. You should never show a lady you are insecure. THAT IS NOT WHAT ANY SANE WOMAN IN THE WORLD IS LOOKING FOR IN A MAN!!!!

 

7. "Is my girlfriend insecure as well that's why i felt she doesn't care and love me that much?"

 

NO, she doesn't care for you or love you as much as she would want to BECAUSE YOU DON'T CARE AND LOVE YOURSELF SO MUCH. Until you learn to love yourself and consider yourself worthy of love, you won't get much love from anybody. Please see a counsellor on Monday. Meanwhile, go to the self-help section of a bookstore and read up on self-esteem and relationships.

 

8. "If I stop to show her that I'm insecure, will my girlfriend think that i'm changing or doesn't love her that much as before since she might be insecure too and is living by my insecurities?"

 

You have already shown her way, way too much that you are insecure. Now why in heaven's name would you want to show a woman you are insecure????? YUK!!! You have got to understand that women seek a confident man who loves himself, who cares about himself, who feels good about himself. A woman doesn't want a guy who is insecure...and she wants one even less who will have the nerve to tell her he is insecure.

 

Frankly, I think you are not ready for any kind of relationship. Until you can get to a point where you feel a lot better about yourself, you should pull out of this situation because she will do it first if you don't.

 

I don't think you can learn to properly love yourself while you are highly preoccupied with keeping somebody around in a relationship. You need time out by yourself to get to know yourself, to work on yourself, to correct the things you don't like about yourself, and to fall in love with yourself...in a healthy way. You need time to learn you are worthy, that you are a good person, and to gain confidence.

 

Work on yourself, your confidence, your self-esteem, your self image...and go from there. Be patient with yourself. It will take time but you can do it.

[Mike]

Tony,I'm the same guy who posted the message "I really need some help" dated march 1,2001, 9:53am under the name richard. The message is about making love and self worth. As of my background, I'm 26 and my girlfriend is 18 turning 19. I'm his very first boyfriend and we been seeing each other for more than 2 months now. I can't remember if I've been also insecure in the early stages of my relationship with my ex before I broke up with her after 6 years.

 

I love my girlfriend so very much that I'm so afraid to lose her and that, I think was the reason of my insecurities.

 

Regarding your questions, I don't have any traumatic experienced that i can remember. My parents are together and we used to be a happy family until I met my girlfriend whom they disapproved so much because of racial differences and family background. Her mom also disapproved of our relationship when she found out that my parents are very against it. Nevertheless, me and my girlfriend love each other so much that we decided to continue to see each other and to fight for our love.

 

I'm still confused, from what I understand, insecurity is when you keep on asking your partner about your self-worth all the time as if you don't trust her feelings. Am I correct? What else is insecurity?

 

As I've mentioned, the way I expressed my love to my girlfriend is like I'm sort of a martyr. I always make sure that she won't get hurt or be disappointed. I'm always giving my 100% and when she asked me how much I really love her I always find myself giving her lengthy explanation on how much I really love her. Sometimes, even if she didn't asked I still give a lenghty explanation on how much I really love her. I always try to make sure that she won't have any doubts, fears and stuff like that instead to let her feel that she's very special and I don't know if what I'm doing is positive in our relationship and if it's appreciated. Can these be consider as insecurities as well?

 

Both you and my friend told me the same thing, that a girl wants someone who they can look up to, someone who knows how to handle himself especially at my age of 26 and my gf is only going 19, someone who is very mature. So could you please tell me in a nutshell on how should I handle myself and this relationship, on how to be a MAN and a protector that woman needs because I'm confused and lost. I can't even remember how I was, in the early part of my past relationship that I can sort of use it as reference.

 

You know, I really appreciate your help very very much. I'm sure others are too. You are very patient with people's problem and in answering to their many questions and it is VERY HELPFUL unlike others who will just give a short answer that make no sense at all. I hope that you'll keep it up and I'm sure you will get rewarded with your good deeds. Thanks very much.

[Mart]

Mike, if there - in your relationship - the basic is to be martyr, then stop this relationship.

 

Reasons:

 

1. To be a martyr is very costly for you. But when time passes and the feelings start to be less passionate, you start think - I was the martyr, I have given all my life... but my partner... You can start asking from your partner the same thing - to be a martyr for you. Maybe your partner won't... Or - you can find that the reward from this partnership on that costs (to be a martyr) is not enough.

 

2. Ask yourself, what is in your partnership the main thing - (a) the relationship (you like the person) or (b) your position in that relation (I feel better when I'm in that relationship in that way).

 

Analyse your relationship, feelings and make decision.