Strippers, Sugardaddies & Baggage -- Please Help

[justadude]

Just looking for some advice, not sure what category this fits in, but here's my situation:

 

I have been dating a girl for almost a year now. I am really in love with her, and the relationship is quite serious, we have met eachother's families, and talked about marriage already! We're totally in love, get along amazingly, our personalities totally mesh, we have the same humor, etc.

 

However, she has a pretty crazy past. Prior to getting into a relationship with me, she used to be a stripper, was in an open relationship with the guy she was dating and was also having sex with some of the strip club clientel, she used to have a sugar daddy old guy that she would go out on dates with and he'd give her money. I'm really appreciative of the fact that she's really honest and open in telling me all this, but I can't even explain how much it kills me to hear these things. Moreover, her family has no clue of any of this, and they have a pretty tight nuclear type family. But this went on for over 5 years! She quit doing all that when she met me, I know she really loves me, has shown me this in a million ways and makes a big effort in our relationship. She says she wishes she could erase her past.

 

But my problem is that I'm having a really hard time dealing with all this. Partly because of my childhood and partly because of previous relationships (cheating & cheating) I'm the type of guy who considers sex a really sacred thing, and it's so hard being with someone for whom it meant next to nothing.

 

My question is: is it just a matter of me getting over these feelings, and if so, can I really get to the point where these things don't bother me anymore? How do I do that? Second question is, can someone really change that drastically and go from such an unstable past into a monogamous relationship for a long term? I guess I'm a little suspicious.

 

Any advice you guys can throw at me would be greatly appreciated.

 

Peace

[Cecelius]

There are tons of posts around about this but in my opinion it comes to this:

 

1) People have non-judgmental preferences about who they marry. Typically for a man, this does not include strippers

 

2) People have things they are insecure about. That may/probably factors in here too.

 

3) You can love someone and dislike significant things about someone (meaning, just because you love them doesn't obligate you to stay with them)

 

4) Often, this kind of irritation in a man means, no matter how much you love her or whatever, that you don't think she's good enough for you, or that she's pathetic (expecially if you were the one who "rescued" her) because she doesn't have enough back-bone, self-respect or self-esteem (otherwise, why would she do this kind of stuff).

 

5) No matter how secure you are, if any of her past life is still with her (friends, whatever), it will eat at you.

 

I would try to think about which of the above apply to you. You may want a counselor to talk about with it.

 

I would pull back on marriage talk, just so you don't set the bar too high. Enjoy your time with her.

 

DO NOT TALK ABOUT IT WITH HER. You will get no good answers, and you will either make her feel THAT YOU FEEL she is trampy or you'll get that she just doesn't see what the big deal is, which will make you feel worse.

 

You can always break up with her; why pressure yourself about this. if its not something you want to live with (AND THAT'S OKAY -- there is nothing wrong with having standards), let her go.

[pho88]

My gf is similar, i found out the hard way about her past. It eats away at me from time to time, i wish it would go away but there's not much i can do but to leave and thats just as hard.

[shamen]

I am currently dating a guy who has been in pornos... It's all a matter of just letting go of all that shi*. The way that I look at it is that it's just not relevant. He is who is he is today and that's what is making me happy.

 

You either learn to live with it or you don't. You've got to figure out for yourself if you can deal with it or not. It'll take some work to figure it out, but you've got to come to grips with it... or just let her go.

[moimeme]

I'm the type of guy who considers sex a really sacred thing, and it's so hard being with someone for whom it meant next to nothing.

 

Sex in itself is not a 'really sacred thing'. Sex with the right person is. And your gf knows that now. Some people take some time to become wise and others gain wisdom earlier. Some people have to try some things out to learn about what they don't want and others know beforehand. Both sorts of people often end up at the same point eventually.

 

My question is: is it just a matter of me getting over these feelings, and if so, can I really get to the point where these things don't bother me anymore? How do I do that?

 

You came to your conclusions about life and relationships without experimenting or trying different sorts of lifestyles and she came to hers by a different path. If anything, she likely now understands even more why her earlier lifestyle wasn't the greatest idea. In fact, I'd say she'd be less likely to cheat than you will be because she's tried these things out and found them wanting. You have not. Don't dislike her for her past; it's made her the person you love today. She has told you she'd like to erase her past. Yet you distrust her. I'm afraid too few people have loving and forgiving spirits. Are you one of those - one who will hear the truth from someone but refuse to believe?

 

Second question is, can someone really change that drastically and go from such an unstable past into a monogamous relationship for a long term? I guess I'm a little suspicious.

 

There are a lot of fools who say 'leopards don't change their spots' but humans aren't leopards and this isn't an issue of outward appearance. People can and do learn lessons and often they do so by having made mistakes or missteps and deciding to never make them again. Every human makes mistakes. Including you.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

This would be difficult to handle. It sounds like there was a possibility that she was a prostitute. I would consider that you may be at great risk for STD's. The additional fact that she was able to keep this from her very tight family for over 5 years indicates that she is pretty good at lying and not getting caught. I think there are a whole lot of red flags here that you need to consider before you could ever consider marriage. I wish you luck.

[Cecelius]

1) I'd be more unhappy if there was any evidence that she had cheated on people (I know the one relationship was "open" but chances are that was not really her emotional choice). There's no evidence that she's a cheater. Just because a girl's been on the loose side doesn't mean there's any risk that she will run around on you (in fact, in my experience, it's just the opposite).

 

2) I still say that the main issue is whether you think she's up to your standards for who you want to be with. Frankly, it's hard to respect someone who's gone through a huge period of low self esteem, etc. -- it's just not attractive. I agree you can't judge her in any moral sense; but that doesn't mean you need to be the guy who rescues her either. If she has a strong head now, maybe that's all you need to focus on.

 

Honestly, if you're having these feelings, chances are strong that they will not go away of their own accord and you will always think that she's not pure enough or whatever. I'd give yourself a few months to think/feel your way through it, slow the relationship down carefully, then decide what to do.

[morrigan]

You have to see her past as what shaped her as a whole person, not just sexually.

 

What's important is the person your gf is now, not what occurred years before. Is she confident, committed to you, wants to share the same kind of life as you do? If she has a good relationship with her family (and yours) that's even better. I haven't told what I have done to my family either--it's my private business. She's been honest with you, and she didn't have to be.

 

If you can't get past your fears about your ideas of people who previously had more open sexual behavior, you definitely should not get further involved with this girl. It's something you are going to have to accept and see as firmly in the past, or it's going to cause problems.