MissTrudy Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I have a 23 year old cousin. We are not particularly close (I don't really talk to her except when our family gets together) but we come from an extremely close-knit family and we grew up like sisters because we spent so much time together. The past few years I've watched her ruin her life, and become a major burden to most of our family. She went to culinary school immediately after high school but didn't finish (only one semester left) and she has a lot of loans that she can't pay off because she doesn't have a job. Our aunt (her godmother) co-signed on her loans and she has been stressed beyond belief and can barely afford to take care of her bills because she is paying for my cousins. No one in my family has stepped up to help, not even my cousin's mother, mostly because they can't afford to pay either. She had her first child a few months after her 21st birthday. She just had a second child over the weekend. She is unemployed and not looking for jobs (she was working for a few months before christmas abut lost her job because her 2 year old son was sick and she took too much time off). Her 2 year old son barely talks even though she is at home with him 24/7. He also has really bad eczema that has only gotten worse because she doesn't put his medication on him, even though my mother bought medication for him. If it weren't for my mom constantly complaining about it I don't think she would've even taken him to the doctor's. My aunt has to put the medicine on him for it to heal, even though it's not her child and she works all day. She is constantly moving back and forth between her mom's house and her boyfriend's mother's house (he doesn't work either, I think) depending on whether she's mad at her mother or her boyfriend. She asks relatives for money and doesn't pay them back. She lives rent-free at her mother's and all that my aunt asks of her is that she helps her little sister get ready for school in the morning/afternoon because my aunt is working, and of course she doesn't do that either. She sits around eating, watching movies, and complaining about her life on Facebook. Today I found out that she doesn't really have any baby stuff for the new baby. Which doesn't make sense because she had a huge baby shower that our family hosted for her first son, and that was just two years ago. Her bf's mother was supposed to host a baby shower for this baby (also a boy) but I guess that didn't happen, and all of the baby clothing she had from her first son is gone. No one knew this so now everyone is scrambling to buy her newborn clothing etc. My blood is literally boiling. I have been completely quiet on all of these issues even though I am seething inside. I can barely talk to her when I see her, and it took me some time to bond with her first son because I couldn't see him as anything but a burden, which I know sounds horrible (I absolutely adore him though now and he adores me). I am angry that she is bringing children into the world that she doesn't care for and that her problems are becoming everyone else's. She has so much potential and it's just being wasted. I don't know if I should say something to her, since she is 3 years younger than me and I can relate to her better than our parents/grandparents can, but at the same time I don't want to cause any drama between the two of us, because we do get along...but maybe only because I remain silent on the issues. I want to tell her that she needs to get her **** together but I also want to be supportive Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 The only people who can help this girl change are the people who are enabling her. Her mother should stop letting her live at home rent free and without any real responsibilities. I know this is hard to do because she has a child and another on the way and nobody wants to see her children suffer, but it's the people who are making it possible for her to live this way who have to change what they are doing or she's not going to have any incentive to grow up. You could try talking to her but I get the feeling she won't care what you say and will most likely just become hostile towards you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I had to a double take because I thought you were writing about my little sister Take away the education part as she's never attempted that and you pretty much have my lil sis' lifestyle to a T. Except it is not so much my Mom but my Dad who enables and babies her. My sister was the youngest when my parents got divorced and she learned quite early on to use that as a means to get her way about everything and shirk any responsibilities. My Dad has always coddled her and still does to this day despite the fact that she is about to have a third child, with a third "baby daddy" and that in itself is mind boggling seeing as how she spends her day on Facebook or in front of the television and does not really bond that much with her children. I'll cop to doing some of the enabling myself, where the kids are concerned. I buy them Christmas gifts because she doesn't, I buy school clothes for the oldest because she has purchased second hand clothes that are wrongly sized and/or ratty looking, etc. My Dad makes tons of excuses for her "you don't know how hard it is to be a single Mom" I think that one burns my butt the most because guess what? I have been like a second mother and her oldest considers me his mother more than her, all the while I'm in my 4th year of education, interning, and having to work on top of it. She never has had to take any responsibility for her actions and that is the problem. My Dad will swoop in to pay her bills, she gets evicted just about every 3-4 months like clockwork and the starts the cycle all over again. She finds a random guy who watch the kids for her so she can go on facebook or stay up watching tv all night long and just kind of shuffles through that. She's 25 physically but she reminds me of a teenager. She's not a bad person but she is highly irresponsible (and choosing to have children she can neither financially afford nor wants to put the time and energy into raising) is just another "product" of her irresponsible ways. What I can tell you is that talking does no good. My sister and I have had many talks over the years - many of them ending in her just getting defensive and telling me I shouldn't judge and some of them seeming like they are getting through to her but nothing ever changes. She was raised to be babied, to have no responsibilities and to get away with everything and now she really doesn't know anything else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 You need to do what your heart is telling you to do. If you go in aggressively you'll alienate her. "My blood is boiling" means you may not be in the right mindset TO help HER but the people you know that are suffering. Like the toddler, your aunt & uncle etc. They need support (I strongly suggest they needed counselling years ago. Suggest they seek it now for answers). If you actually empower the people around her it may rub off but I'd suggest it then leave it up to them. Indulge me because I had a very similar experience with my own cousin. The story starts when she was 18 and I was 27. We'd always been very close. We both gave birth to our first children that year. Her LTR and my marriage ended before our babies 1st birthday. Both of us had had similar dysfunctional, violent, single parent upbringings. Our mothers were sisters. I had completed a degree. She dropped out of culinary school 1 semester before completion. I was posted interstate but she REMAINED near our family. (Eww maybe that was my luck). I could see she was merry-go-rounding focussed on "getting a man". Sure I wanted that too but I focused on my child, career and buying a house for our financial security. I did and soared in my career. She had many violent & abusive partners until ... I spent ALOT of time with her. In fact I could plainly see what was happening in her life. I planned a whole weekend for her at my house. We cooked (I bought all the ingredients) she showed me how to cook her favorite dishes. This was important. She taught me stuff and loved that I was learning from her. Then both nights when the kids were sleeping we laughed & joked. Then I got her new notebook and new pen out as a present. We described her last relationship in point form. Then I went thru every previous man & got her to tick any qualities that they had.THEY WERE ALL THE SAME MAN. She came to that conclusion herself. It worked. In 20 years since, she's not dated another man like that. My point is this. Unless you have a lot of energy, alot of time and multiple strategies at hand, don't go there. My cousin has been in therapy& on anti depressant drugs for 20 years. She learned whatever I had the time to teach her. It was totally draining and beyond me. What powered my efforts was pure love. She was my baby cousin. Our children loved each other. I wanted to help her WHERE AND WHEN I COULD. It demanded mountains of patience and a deep love and respect. Could I "straighten her out"? No. But I chose the most damaging thing to work on and got her straight with that thing only. I still have my career, 3 more children and married again. I guess her jealousy destroyed our relationship. It's almost nil now. The sad thing for her amongst SO MANY OF HER REGRETS is that she had me supporting her but now she doesn't accept that support. Stephen Covey has a great book "The 7 habits of highly effective families". If you can utilise the steps and make them habits, you may find your answers. Hope I've helped even a little. Bless you for trying to. Lion Heart 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jezzika Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 The enablers are the ones that you need to talk to about this. If it's such a close-knit family, then they see it too. Talk to them about helping her initiate change in her behavior by changing their own. Don't make it about you and how you're mad about it...make it about her and how her life should/could be as an adult and a parent. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissTrudy Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 thank you all so much for the advice. it has really helped me put everything in perspective, and you're right, the enablers are the ones who need an intervention. My aunt keeps saying she's going to put her out if she does one more thing, but it hasn't happened yet. My grandmother who is a big force in my aunt's life keeps telling her to put her out. We are all sort of waiting for the straw that will break the camel's back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 I have to say that I think you should sit down for a serious direct conversation for your cousin. It's just FALSE to pretend like you support her right now, and that you two have a chummy relationship, when you disapprove so strongly of all of her life choices. You shouldn't have to be that two-faced. Also, these things that are going on signal more than just "she's a lazy ungrateful mooch." There's some deep problems beneath the surface here... probably depression and who knows what else that's making her so listless. I guarantee she's not happy with her life right now and that she's full of shame. You know your cousin, so you'll have to figure out the best way to approach it. It shouldn't feel like an attack. It should be more like "Can we talk about what's up with you right now? It doesn't seem like things are going so well. Are you happy? What are your plans?" If she's completely defensive and angry, then you'll know to drop it and retreat. But maybe she's willing to get honest with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Some ppl should have to be issued permission to breed. When you mess up your life, it's ok ... but when you mess up another's life, who did not ask to be born or brought into this mess ... you are not a victim anymore ! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissTrudy Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 Some ppl should have to be issued permission to breed. When you mess up your life, it's ok ... but when you mess up another's life, who did not ask to be born or brought into this mess ... you are not a victim anymore ! i agree wholeheartedly. the first one should've been a wakeup call for her to get her **** together. i don't know what's going on with her mentally, but she needs to wake up and get her **** together. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 She's retreating in a fantasy world [facebook, probably presents herself as awesome there], and that is addictive. She's an addict to that fantasy right now. Out of that fantasy, she is medicating in other ways, and will be attacking anyone who tries to shatter her fantasy. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts