romanticmoron Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 (edited) Me and my (now eX) girlfriend are both very abnormal people in a lot of ways, especially socially. We were basically the only people either of us has ever met that sees the world eye to eye and this gave us an insane bond that neither of us had ever found with someone else. I truly feel neither of us will ever find someone more suited for us than we are for each other, otherwise Id just let her go so she could be happier. Seriously, both of us loved hanging out with each other more than anyone else by far throughout our entire relationship. Neither of us were very social. Our personalities and interests have stayed super compatible for the 4 years we were together. So why'd she break up then if we were so perfect? I was spoiled as a kid and took too long to "grow up" after high school and get a job etc. Whereas her family wasn't able to support her, causing her to have to work hard and support herself, my family threw money at me and I was basically a slacker. My only real accomplishment was with school, as Im only 21 but close to graduating from a prestigious university. So, while she was out working all day I was almost always at home playing video games all day while not at school. So, while I am dumb and didn't realize this was a problem while it was happening, it eventually got to the point where she was totally unattracted to me because she was providing for herself and I wasn't. The main issue is she didn't tell me this was happening until it was too late apparently. Right when she told me she was no longer attracted to me (out of the blue) I applied for about 50+ jobs in under a week, and got hired at one within 2-3 weeks (as fast as I could). I also started working out, and completely abandoned my computer (it happened to break so I just left it broken until I needed it for school, after which I cut my gaming time down to about 1/20 of what it used to be). But she still left and told me its not going to work out and unfriended me on facebook (probably to make it hurt both of us less). So while I know we are perfect for each other if I just get my act together, how do I show her that I am / when I have gotten my act together if I don't contact her / we have no mutual friends? We both know each other like the palm of our hands and I KNOW this girl will be happier with me than anyone she'll find in the foreseeable future and vice versa. We both had pretty deal-breaking issues for most people but that due to our uniqueness we were able to be totally 100% compatible until I became a bum. Edited January 20, 2015 by romanticmoron spelling etc Link to post Share on other sites
bigtrouble Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 NC is not a strategy to win your Ex back. Its for you to heal and focus on yourself and improve. Come out on top and be a better person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author romanticmoron Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 (edited) Look man I know NC is a very powerful thing in the right situation. But Im telling you that when Im being 100% rational I know me and this girl should end up together for our own happiness. We just kinda ****ed up the attraction thing temporarily. You could make an analogy here about getting fat. Basically I got fat (unattractive) to her due to a bad lifestyle and she failed to communicate that it was causing her to lose attraction. Now I am losing weight at a record pace (becoming super busy and getting a job right away after a ton of work) so the reason for the attraction loss is gone, but now she's not around to experience it because she waited too long to communicate the problem to me until the point where she had to move out because she just views me as a friend at the moment. I know shes gonna be super lonely for a looong time without me, and me without her. And I hate to **** us both over for a stupid reason. We were together for 4 years and we are super uniquely compatible in a huge number of ways. Why waste that because of a few stupid mistakes? Sometimes getting your ex back IS how you become a better person, because you are both good for each other. Edited January 20, 2015 by romanticmoron clarification Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 For Women sex and attention are like taking out the trash. She didn't just lose attraction for you, she lost respect for you NC is a path of self respect. If you respect yourself others will follow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author romanticmoron Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 But how can I respect myself if I don't pursue the things I want? I am already becoming respectable due to my drastic lifestyle changes, I just dont see how NC for months and months will solve anything here when its in my best interest to get her back. Link to post Share on other sites
Ducktape Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 But how can I respect myself if I don't pursue the things I want? I am already becoming respectable due to my drastic lifestyle changes, I just dont see how NC for months and months will solve anything here when its in my best interest to get her back. Unless your ex is a blow up doll, your argument holds no value. Your ex isn't a career, a project, an object, etc. so not pursuing her wouldn't be lacking respect for yourself. Because pursuing someone who discarded you IS disrespecting for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author romanticmoron Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 She only discarded me because we both made pretty large mistakes. But we are young, and our mistakes were the product of inexperience and not malice. I know both her and myself very well, and I know how we both view other people. Thus I know we would both we happier ENDING UP together, even if yes right now she wants nothing to do with me due to mistakes on both ends. Should a few mistakes made while young really **** up the rest of our lives? What I am basically asking here is this: If you KNOW that you and a person are as perfect for each other as 2 people can be, what's the best way to overcome temporary mistakes and get the sparks flying again after getting to such a low point? Sure I could go NC and maybe she'd miss me, but she'd also not have any way of knowing that with my recent changes the reason she had for leaving would no longer exist and we could go back to the insanely happy life we were living for 3+ years. Link to post Share on other sites
Ducktape Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Listen, I don't wanna spit in your face... But 95% dumpees will claim the same about their relationship as yours. "It was the purest of love" "Nobody got her and nobody got me like we did" "We are meant for each others, for sure" ... etc. If you KNOW that you and a person are as perfect for each other as 2 people can be, what's the best way to overcome temporary mistakes and get the sparks flying again after getting to such a low point? Listen, if your were as perfect for each other as two people can be, you wouldn't be here, you would still be together. And reviving a spark is only possible in a relationship. Not after someone threw the towel and doesn't want in on the relationship anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 She only discarded me because we both made pretty large mistakes. But we are young, and our mistakes were the product of inexperience and not malice. I know both her and myself very well, and I know how we both view other people. Thus I know we would both we happier ENDING UP together, even if yes right now she wants nothing to do with me due to mistakes on both ends. Should a few mistakes made while young really **** up the rest of our lives? What I am basically asking here is this: If you KNOW that you and a person are as perfect for each other as 2 people can be, what's the best way to overcome temporary mistakes and get the sparks flying again after getting to such a low point? Sure I could go NC and maybe she'd miss me, but she'd also not have any way of knowing that with my recent changes the reason she had for leaving would no longer exist and we could go back to the insanely happy life we were living for 3+ years. I understand your dilemma, because I have felt the same at times. You have used your time wisely and made positive changes that could help get your ex back ... if ONLY she knew about them. Right? It's like the old question: "If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around, does it make any noise?" If you make changes to win your ex back and she isn't there to see them, what good are they? The answer: They are good for YOU, whether she's there or not. You are remaking yourself into a better person and that is a positive result in and of itself. You will reap benefits you don't even know of yet. That said, I do relate to your frustration that you feel you've made the changes necessary to change your relationship, if only she would give you another chance. No? But you also make yourself inherently unattractive to her and lose self respect by begging or arguing that you deserve another chance. Don't do that, please. My advice: IF you decide to break NC (and I am not saying you should, just that it sounds to me like you might, regardless of what people here say), I would resist with all your might the urge to make major declarations of love, saying I miss you, making sweeping announcements of your changes, etc. IF you choose to make contact (and I am not saying you should, just that it sounds like your mind is almost made up), I would keep your contact limited to a brief text or e-mail that lets her know you have found a good job, you've been working out and taking care of yourself and you hope she's doing OK too. NO "I miss you" and "I love you" and "we're meant for each other" because I would say if you do that you're only setting yourself up for more heartbreak. Good luck and keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author romanticmoron Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 (edited) Thank you KBarletta, you are one of the few people who at least seems to get the ridiculously frustrating situation I'm in and you are right about a lot of things you said. Thank you for your empathy. If I did break NC, it would be after a month or two minimum (would be longer, but she is planning on moving 2 states over sometime this year)- another reason for us to be together... we both want to move to the same place and were planning on it. She is not going to have any friends there, and be really low on money without me helping her with school. Also I wouldn't make some huge desperate attempt at immediately falling back in love. I already got drunk the night she broke it off and tried to reason/argue with her and just pushed her further away so I won't make that mistake ever again. If there's one thing I've learned its that there's a certain threshold of disparity in how much each person loves the other that is acceptable in a relationship, and once that threshold is crossed the disparity gets bigger and bigger. In a month or so I'll probably just give her a call or shoot her a text and casually suggest hanging out to catch up. Only problem is is that while Im confident I'm the man for her, I hope she doesn't end up in a rebound relationship for too long before she realizes this and then end up moving before I get another chance. If I have one piece of advice for younger people it's this: go have a few ****ty relationships, even if you know they'll never work. I turned down a few girls like this in high school, and am regretting it now. Because everyone is young at some point and has to learn things through experience, and it's absolutely CRUSHING to learn your mistakes by losing someone who is actually really really well suited for you. Better to learn the lessons on people who you wouldn't have worked out with anyway and just have fun in the process. Edited January 20, 2015 by romanticmoron punctuation Link to post Share on other sites
JonjMie Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 There would have been signs along the way that she didnt want you anymore, there always is but you were too engrossed in being lazy and playing computer games to notice. Men tend to stick their heads in the sand and ignore what is actually a clear signal things are goign wrong. Keep your head up, learn from your mistakes, look for warning signs, act early, read the book, No More Mr Nice Guy. Sorry, use NC to heal yourself and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author romanticmoron Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 Jonjmie, do you really think that's a fair thing to say about a long term relationship? That because I missed certain signs of one problem that I don't deserve her? Relationship's aren't a game. They take work, and a lot of communication. In my opinion a long term relationship should NEVER end unless the problems causing it to end have been discussed before in detail and changes still weren't made. Otherwise one or both parties did a terrible job of communicating and waited way too long to discuss how they felt, which doesn't work in ANY relationship. In my opinion, she made a far greater mistake than I did (which sounds ridiculous, as being a lazy bum is pretty damn bad). Letting a problem build up without communicating is the surest way for any relationship to die, and should never happen. Hell, I could have been a drug addict or something and I'd still argue that her mistake was far more damning and relationship ruining than mine. There are always going to be issues in a relationship no matter what, and they HAVE to be communicated. Nobody is going to be able to pick up on every "sign". Thank you for your reply though, and I hope I can keep handling it as good as I have been. Link to post Share on other sites
JonjMie Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I didn't say you don't deseve Her where did you get that from ? You feel ****ty about her leaving that's fine, it hurts, I know believe me, you feel worse because you feel you could have done something about it, her reasons may not be the real reasons, most women will put up with a lot if they really love their guy. Your hurting and I think you need to get your self esteem back, your working out and got a job etc that's great, just do it for yourself and everything else will drop into place my friend, do it for the right reasons and that includes NC 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author romanticmoron Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 I definitely agree with that. Thanks for the good vibes friend. I'm really proud of how well I am handling the shock of losing my best friend and lover overnight and I know she would be too. And if we don't end up back together, I'll still have positive things to show for it. Link to post Share on other sites
lil hoodlum Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Relationship's aren't a game. They take work, and a lot of communication. In my opinion a long term relationship should NEVER end unless the problems causing it to end have been discussed before in detail and changes still weren't made. I agree with your opinion but unforunately some ex's don't hold the same opinion. I also agree that some dumpers aren't entirely honest about the reasons for wanting to end a relationship. Regardless, they do end a relationships whether you, or I, or anyone else don't agree with it. Kudos to you for getting your butt into overdrive for making improvements in your life. In a perfect world, Ex's would be honest about issues cocerning them and communicate them clearly and directly. They would give time for positive changes to be made. They would be honest about wanting to end a relationship. They would be honest about their reason(s) for ending said relationship. Unforunately, many dumpers are very dishonest and do lie. Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Well, the bright side is that reconciliation is possible. It does happen after all for many people out there. At the same time, you can't force fate. What will be will be, so even though you're clearly in desperation mode right now (as most of us are when that one special person is seriously drifting hardcore away from us), sometimes you just gotta let it flow and ride out the tide. I think breakups as a life experience are meant to help make us better and stronger, and your situation appears to be a clear case of it being meant to happen. After all, it forced you to get off your butt and make positive changes. Would that have happened if she hadn't ended it? In reality, the breakup is empowering you, as evidenced by the effect it's had on you (applying to numerous jobs, working out, spending less time gaming). I think that's pretty amazing and you should be proud of yourself. If you've already tried to make amends with her and she wasn't having it, I would let it be and give it time and focus on continuing to better yourself and then go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author romanticmoron Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 (edited) Big update: You don't even realize how right you are about them not being truthful with their reasons. I asked her pointedly about 30 times throughout the breakup process if there was someone else, and told her it would be 10x easier to just tell the truth so I could be done with it. She adamantly denied it till the end. Less than 2 days after totally breaking it off she is already in a Facebook relationship with a guy who lives in the state she recently decided to move to and goes to the university she has applied to. This guy was in her class last semester when he lived here and she's MOVING TWO STATES OVER to be with him. Clearly there's been something going on here for a while. It's been hard to come to terms with the fact that the girl I thought I knew inside out and loved unconditionally was actually a deceitful, probably cheating bitch. Knowing what I know now, she lied to me countless times throughout the breakup and did everything possible to alleviate her guilt while increasing my pain. She is dead to me. Sorry there's no happy ending here. She is absolutely ****ed though. Guarantee you there's only like 5 people on the planet willing to put up with the many problems she had like I was. I know she will regret this in under a year, and I'll never take her back. Because she no longer exists to me. Thanks for the input from everyone on this, it helped to talk about it. Time to start the grieving process over again, this time with 2 extra scoops of boiling anger. Good luck with all your troubles guys, hopefully your problems work out better than mine and you don't end up jaded and unable to trust girls. Edited January 21, 2015 by romanticmoron Link to post Share on other sites
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