I honestly don't understand why any BS would stay.

[jm2013]

I'm struggling deeply the last few days - trying to heal myself is not linear. I love my h, I have for almost 30yrs and I'm not 50 yet. He's the only man I've ever loved. Dated lots, had loads of fun with other men, but only loved this one and kept my vows. My decision isn't spiritual or anything. I'm not ready for this to be over. I battle between 'he ruined a 30 yr relationship' and 'maybe this is a big blip in an otherwise awesome relationship'. It's a lot of mental gymnastics. I also know that the a is over, the mow is gone and not coming back and my h wants to reconcile. Those are facts, if I was unsure about any of that, I might feel differently.

 

His a has gutted me. I'm trying to figure out what's best for me. I can see myself thriving without a husband, I'm very strong. But he didn't leave me for the ow, so I have a choice to stay or go. And right now, 4 mos after finding out the whole truth, 13 mos after the trickle truth started, I want to give the marriage a shot. Is that the right answer? Who knows. But it's where I am now. I've never felt pain like what I have, maybe that's clouding the judgment. I have kids who have begged me to try mc and try to make this work, and I promised them I would.

 

I always swore cheating was a deal breaker. Always. It's just another slice of humble pie I'm eating. Will h do the necessary work to heal the marriage? It's on him, and that will determine my path down the road.

 

I have some similar feelings as you do. My WW is doing everything right but I'm not sure if it is what I even want. After my wife's affair she feels tainted and I don't think I'll ever get a good feeling back about here ever again. The main thing gluing us together is our daughter. If we did not have kids I would have left a long time ago and never looked back.

[autumnnight]

It depends on the person. Though I'll say that I know some BS's who stayed who probably shouldn't have...for everyone's sake.

[Mal78]

Please please explain to me why a BS would stay with a WS. Kids cannot be an excuse, so what is the reason to stay? Your WS has disrespected you in the worst possible way, and you decide to stay? Those who advocate R after DDay I have to disagree sorry. I think it shows a lack of self-respect no matter what justification you use. I'm a firm believer in walking away after any form of infidelity even an EA.

 

Discuss.

 

There are MANY reasons why someone may cheat but there is no real excuse (people confuse the two all the time). Perhaps the same philosophy applies to the BS when deciding to R with their WS although R isnt/shouldn't be a one person decision.

 

I want to believe, for me it boiled down to love and fear.

 

I was young, dumb and feared I couldn't love another and feared it would be easy for him to. At the time I was devastated by that thought more than the A. We are still together 18 years later.

 

If I could go back to my 18 year old me and successfully convince her that you need to respect yourself first and foremost. Build on that and you will only attract people who are respectful towards you. I was a mess back then, married with two children and a H who was not consistent.

 

I do believe this could be a healthy discussion, however I don't believe either side is the healthier solution. It is always based on the individual circumstances and relationship.

[the_artist_1970]

I agree with you 100%. However, not everybody sees things the way we do. And that's okay. Different strokes, and all.

 

I kicked my xWW out of my life faster than you could spell relief. But some WS's are genuinely remorseful and put out all the necessary work to safely reconcile. I believe they're very rare, but it can happen.

 

The path that's right for us isn't the path that's right for everybody.

 

The path that is right for you isn't the right path for everyone. I stayed because I had been married to my DH for 16 years prior to his A. He strayed and it was really hard to rebuild but 6.5 years later I am so glad that I stayed. The man I knew and loved for a long time made a very bad choice but that take away the many years of love and commitment we shared. We shared so many wonderful times before and since his error in judgement. I learned that forgiving him was a wonderful gift and he hasn't proven me wrong. People sometime mess up really bad. We all fall from grace at one point or another. I think it is wonderful when two people can rebuild a solid marriage after going through something as tragic as an affair. You learn to love deeper than any other love and it feels so good.

[scatterd]

Sometimes its not easy such as being ill and owning asset. I wonder why doesn't the WS and HS just leave they always have an excuse. If they want out why should the BS leave?

[dichotomy]

As some mentioned you "do the life math" so to speak - which path is better, or least worst to take after adultery. Marriages and adultery vary significantly. You can't know the other persons situation.

 

I have actually been married twice (still in second marriage)

 

I have chosen both paths, different ones (divorce and stay). Neither were "easy" choices exactly, or pleasant, but they were the right one for me at the time.

[MJJean]

I just made a lot of mistakes inbetween and a lot of that was due to the lack of a handbook.

Someone needs to let me know where to find that handbook. I haven't been betrayed, but if it ever happens I plan on taking the same path you did. Reconcile and save the marriage and family if possible, divorce as last resort.

 

I, too, married my husband for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. If he's mentally broken, that's "sickness". If he physically and/or emotionally betrays me, that's "worse". I love the man and I meant it when I said til death do us part. I'm sure I'd be devastated and have a long hard road, but that's more of the "for worse" part that I would hope could lead to some "for better".

[autumnnight]

I can't imagine how painful either choice would be - to end a marriage and change a family after years together, or to try to move forward in the wake of such a betrayal. Either one would be immensely difficult. However, once that choice has been made and some time has passed, we choose our outlook about that decision. If someone continues to moan in misery for years and years, recommending to everyone else within earshot that divorce is the best option, eventually you just have to ask: why. are. you still. married?

 

I respect someone who divorces. I respect someone who at least tries to truly recover.

 

I do not respect someone who chooses to be a martyr.

[BetrayedH]

Someone needs to let me know where to find that handbook. I haven't been betrayed, but if it ever happens I plan on taking the same path you did. Reconcile and save the marriage and family if possible, divorce as last resort.

 

I, too, married my husband for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. If he's mentally broken, that's "sickness". If he physically and/or emotionally betrays me, that's "worse". I love the man and I meant it when I said til death do us part. I'm sure I'd be devastated and have a long hard road, but that's more of the "for worse" part that I would hope could lead to some "for better".

 

Just bear in mind that it really take two things to reconcile from infidelity (1) A truly remorseful wayward spouse and (2) A truly forgiving betrayed spouse. But #2 can never come before #1.

 

As much as I am a fan of seeing a reconciliation happen, I had the cart before the horse. In fact, when a betrayed spouse discovers infidelity, my recommendation is to skip the confrontation altogether and to immediately file. Let the papers being served act as the confrontation and then ask your WS to leave. If they ultimately show remorse that is sufficient for you, then you can always halt the proceedings. If not, you're on the way to the divorce you need.

 

I'm sure it's a confusing message but the fact is that cheap forgiveness does far more harm than good. That's where one's self-respect can be lost.

[Sub]

In fact, when a betrayed spouse discovers infidelity, my recommendation is to skip the confrontation altogether and to immediately file. Let the papers being served act as the confrontation and then ask your WS to leave.

 

This can manifest itself in a couple ways. A security deposit and one months rent on an apartment is also an effective wake-up call.

[NoC]

I'm sorry if my OP offended anyone, that was not my intention. Good responses from both sides, but I still don't understand how someone can claim to have self-respect after deciding to R.

 

self-respect

noun

pride and confidence in oneself; a feeling that one is behaving with honour and dignity.

 

I'm just calling a spade a spade here, how is it possible to keep your dignity if you decide to R? It just makes the BSs who R seem weak, rather than honourable. How can someone who is proud and confident in themselves, stay with someone who is capable of disrespecting them in the worst way possible?

I think there is a reason why the only basis for divorce is ok in the Bible is infidelity. Speaks a lot of volumes about what infidelity really is. Sorry but those are facts, not just an opinion.

 

Any self-respecting person would never accept infidelity no matter how good the relationship was prior or how remorseful the WS is. I see a WS as a murderer (of the marriage), and as such I feel they should be treated the same way as a real murderer under trial (in the context of marriage). No murderer is going to be let free because they are "remorseful", as such a WS should never be taken back after having an affair, never.

 

I'm not attacking those who have R, but to proudly claim that you have self respect after taking back a WS is laughable, sorry. It's never easy having to break up a family, but as a BS that is not your fault, you will always know that you're not the reason for destroying the family.

 

Plus there is one more thing that I also fail to grasp.... How the hell can a BS still love a WS? Maybe i'm just a psychopath or something, but that would instantly kill any love I have for someone. I wouldn't hate them, it would be straight to indifference.

[Quiet Storm]

If my marriage were to face infidelity, I would try to save it because I feel that an intact marriage (except in abusive, untreated addiction or outwardly disrespectful situations), provides the best environment to raise kids and the best outcome for our kids future. This belief is based on experience, as I've known many that were negatively affected by divorce and/or new stepparents. I understand that this is not a popular belief, but I strongly feel that if parents can be cordial and stable, both parents in one household is best. I do not judge those that disagree with that, though. It's just my own personal feelings about it.

 

I look at it like this... I would take a bullet for my child. I would jump in front of a car if they were about to be hit. I would give up my kidney if they needed it. So there's no question in my mind that I could tolerate betrayal and unhappiness, for their benefit. I don't understand why the "kids" reason is always downplayed. From my perspective, these three kids are the most important people in my life, but if I get cheated on, they are not supposed to be a factor? They may suffer if their lives are uprooted due to a parent's choices, and I'm not supposed to consider that? Kids are a valid reason to save a marriage, not just an excuse. I can't think of a better reason to try than them.

 

I also feel that many marriages can fully & genuinely reconcile, where it ends up being a happy marriage again. And that's what my goal would be if I were to face this. I think of a long marriage as a book with many chapters. Some are happy and some are sad. Some are filled with grief and some are filled with joy. Infidelity doesn't have to be the defining point or "the end". It can just be one painful chapter of life, and there can still be a happy ending.

 

I view my family unit as my legacy. Not just for me, but for our kids. If my husband were to make the horrible choice to cheat, is it worth destroying my whole family legacy, based on the bad choices of one? It wouldn't be worth it to end this great family that we have, at least without a huge effort to save it. Especially if he was genuinely remorseful and willing to examine how this happened and what to do to prevent from happening again.

 

Another important factor is how the betrayed views the act of infidelity. Many feel that the betrayal is a personal attack on them, or a reflection of the status of the relationship. I personally don't feel that way. I feel that infidelity is more of a character flaw or weakness such as addiction- a reflection of the cheater's individual issues. For example, if my husband developed a drug addiction, I wouldn't immediately divorce if he was willing to seek help. I would give him an opportunity to deal with his personal issues and grow into a better person. I would do this in the case of infidelity, as well.

 

I don't ever see a person who stays as weak, as I think it takes strength to stay and work through the betrayal and save your family. However, I also respect a person's choice to end the marriage. I do know that for some, especially if the WS is unremorseful and blatantly disrespectful, reconciliation is not possible. And that's OK, too. We all have our own limitations, and sometimes it's just too much.

 

It's a personal decision based on many factors and circumstances, and it's not taken lightly. I feel that even if someone were to choose a different road than I would, that they have put a lot of thought into their decision and feel ending the marriage would be best for them and their family. I don't judge that choice, even though it would be different than mine.

[Sub]

It just makes the BSs who R seem weak, rather than honourable.

My WW said it best, and I agree: It takes a lot of strength to do what I/we (who R'd) did. Mental. Emotional. Physical. Just as much as people who D.

 

 

How can someone who is proud and confident in themselves, stay with someone who is capable of disrespecting them in the worst way possible?

I can't speak for everyone, but my confidence comes more from how I feel about myself than how someone else feels about me, or what they do to me. And pride? Pride can cause more harm than good.

 

 

Any self-respecting person would never accept infidelity no matter how good the relationship was prior or how remorseful the WS is.

You're confusing the ability to move forward in life with a WW as acceptance of what they did. You don't need one to have the other.

[badkarma2013]

I'm sorry if my OP offended anyone, that was not my intention. Good responses from both sides, but I still don't understand how someone can claim to have self-respect after deciding to R.

 

self-respect

noun

pride and confidence in oneself; a feeling that one is behaving with honour and dignity.

 

I'm just calling a spade a spade here, how is it possible to keep your dignity if you decide to R? It just makes the BSs who R seem weak, rather than honourable. How can someone who is proud and confident in themselves, stay with someone who is capable of disrespecting them in the worst way possible?

I think there is a reason why the only basis for divorce is ok in the Bible is infidelity. Speaks a lot of volumes about what infidelity really is. Sorry but those are facts, not just an opinion.

 

Any self-respecting person would never accept infidelity no matter how good the relationship was prior or how remorseful the WS is. I see a WS as a murderer (of the marriage), and as such I feel they should be treated the same way as a real murderer under trial (in the context of marriage). No murderer is going to be let free because they are "remorseful", as such a WS should never be taken back after having an affair, never.

 

I'm not attacking those who have R, but to proudly claim that you have self respect after taking back a WS is laughable, sorry. It's never easy having to break up a family, but as a BS that is not your fault, you will always know that you're not the reason for destroying the family.

 

Plus there is one more thing that I also fail to grasp.... How the hell can a BS still love a WS? Maybe i'm just a psychopath or something, but that would instantly kill any love I have for someone. I wouldn't hate them, it would be straight to indifference.

 

*****************************************************************

I have a college buddy who is a very accomplished Psychiatrist ...he told me When harsh problems arise (such as infidelity)...there are only 3 Choices one has..

 

1.Stay and accept the fact it happened and ,make the best of your life...

 

2.Stay and hate what happened and live in that state.. or

 

3.Go and Move on to something different....

 

If you can accept your(WW in my case) forgive and live with the Fallout..Try to R ...then stay.

 

None of us want to live in a constant state of anger and malice...I personally Think this what MANY BHs do (speaking from experiance).They KNOW they will never get over the lies and betrayals...but stay and try to R...THEY ALL FAIL or their lives are forever miserable..And the WSs life is hell as well...

 

OR YOU LEAVE ...and go on to hopefully a better state of life...

 

Not all that complex....many variables apply but thats it in a nutshell...

[Quiet Storm]

Self respect comes from within. It's not about what others think, but what that individual person feels inside.

 

You are certain that your self respect would be gone if you stayed with a cheater, but not everyone feels that way. And your opinion is not the only valid one. My integrity is not damaged by another person's bad choices. My integrity is based on my choices alone, and I wouldn't feel that attempting to save my family was a foolish choice. I also would not feel that infidelity, which is a huge blow to a marriage, would wipe out all the great things I love about my husband. I have been with him since 1991, and he has been a great husband and father throughout this time. It would break my trust and cause emotional pain for me, but my love for him wouldn't stop in an instant. Trying to save a relationship that's been satisfying for 24 years would not be hurting myself, as it is to my benefit if that relationship can be saved.

 

You are looking at the relationship between husband and wife as it's own entity, and disregarding the strong feelings of a family and it's legacy. In a long term marriage, spouses are family members. It's not just about the romance between the spouses anymore. If you genuinely see your spouse as family, you want to help them. Imagine if your son had an addiction and stole money out of your purse. Would helping him kill your self respect? Although he broke your trust, would your love for him just stop?

 

Cheating is certainly an act of disrespect, but many people can forgive that and not take it personally. It doesn't mean they have no self respect.

[NoC]

If my marriage were to face infidelity, I would try to save it because I feel that an intact marriage (except in abusive, untreated addiction or outwardly disrespectful situations), provides the best environment to raise kids and the best outcome for our kids future. This belief is based on experience, as I've known many that were negatively affected by divorce and/or new stepparents. I understand that this is not a popular belief, but I strongly feel that if parents can be cordial and stable, both parents in one household is best. I do not judge those that disagree with that, though. It's just my own personal feelings about it.

 

I look at it like this... I would take a bullet for my child. I would jump in front of a car if they were about to be hit. I would give up my kidney if they needed it. So there's no question in my mind that I could tolerate betrayal and unhappiness, for their benefit. I don't understand why the "kids" reason is always downplayed. From my perspective, these three kids are the most important people in my life, but if I get cheated on, they are not supposed to be a factor? They may suffer if their lives are uprooted due to a parent's choices, and I'm not supposed to consider that? Kids are a valid reason to save a marriage, not just an excuse. I can't think of a better reason to try than them.

 

I respect this but I also have to kindly disagree with you. Taking a bullet for your child is very different to staying in a dead marriage with a WS for their sake. You can still be great co-parents while divorced, it won't be as easy as it was but I think it sure beats staying in a dead marriage and teaching a bad example for your kids that it's ok to tolerate such disrespect. My mother decided to R with my wayward father, and they try their best to keep their personal relationship on the down low from us, but sometimes she has triggers and they fight, she cries because of it, it's not the same marriage as it was before. I honestly would prefer to see both my parents happy apart than miserable together. They seem happy now but I know it's been very difficult for them. R is just not worth it imo.

 

Sub, don't you need to be accepting of your WS infidelity if you're to move forward in life with them? Maybe I misunderstand your comment.

Edited January 20, 2015 by NoC

[MJJean]

I'm sorry if my OP offended anyone, that was not my intention. Good responses from both sides, but I still don't understand how someone can claim to have self-respect after deciding to R.

 

self-respect

noun

pride and confidence in oneself; a feeling that one is behaving with honour and dignity.

 

I'm just calling a spade a spade here, how is it possible to keep your dignity if you decide to R? It just makes the BSs who R seem weak, rather than honourable. How can someone who is proud and confident in themselves, stay with someone who is capable of disrespecting them in the worst way possible?

I think there is a reason why the only basis for divorce is ok in the Bible is infidelity. Speaks a lot of volumes about what infidelity really is. Sorry but those are facts, not just an opinion.

 

Any self-respecting person would never accept infidelity no matter how good the relationship was prior or how remorseful the WS is. I see a WS as a murderer (of the marriage), and as such I feel they should be treated the same way as a real murderer under trial (in the context of marriage). No murderer is going to be let free because they are "remorseful", as such a WS should never be taken back after having an affair, never.

 

I'm not attacking those who have R, but to proudly claim that you have self respect after taking back a WS is laughable, sorry. It's never easy having to break up a family, but as a BS that is not your fault, you will always know that you're not the reason for destroying the family.

 

Plus there is one more thing that I also fail to grasp.... How the hell can a BS still love a WS? Maybe i'm just a psychopath or something, but that would instantly kill any love I have for someone. I wouldn't hate them, it would be straight to indifference.

 

The BS vowed better and worse, yadda yadda. How is breaking those vows by ending the marriage honorable? When a spouse vows til death and bails out because of infidelity without even trying to make it work I think there is a case for their actions being as dishonorable as their spouses. If they were honorable people and meant their vows then they are bound by that honor to at least try to reconcile if their WS is remorseful and also wants to save the marriage.

 

Pride and confidence can also mean the BS understands that he/she is capable of getting past the pain and drama to rebuild their lives rather than taking the easy and fast out. Not to mention a lot of proud and confident people would be damned before they'd turn tail and run like cowards.

 

I think part of your disrespect issue here stems from a lack of understanding. It makes the affair about respecting the spouse. The truth is that an affair is often about the WS and the WS only. Very rarely is disrespect to the BS intended.

 

And, yes, if a WS wants to truly save the marriage and the BS refuses to entertain the idea then the BS is just as responsible for the break-up of the family as the WS.

 

If infidelity killed love there wouldn't be so many heartbroken people struggling with it. Infidelity doesn't kill love. Not real love, anyway. A lot of people wish it did, though.

 

I don't think you're a psycho, but I do suspect you've never been in love and married, built a shared life with someone, brought some children into the world, and then had to make a hard choice for the good of yourself, your spouse, and your children.

[Sub]

Sub, don't you need to be accepting of your WS infidelity if you're to move forward in life with them? Maybe I misunderstand your comment.

 

Maybe I misunderstood yours. When you say "Acceptance", I take that to imply that I think it's ok. That I find her behavior acceptable. Which is not the case. I recognize what she did. I don't forgive it. But I took a calculated risk that I was going to be able to move beyond it individually, and that we would be able to move beyond it as a couple. That as much as it hurt - and as much as I may still think about it - it wasn't something that was going to keep us from a new happiness.

[snappytomcat]

op sorry if this sounds rude but you sound very angry,are you an xow or a bs?

I really don't need anyone to tell me about respecting myself or being confident,because iam a very strong confident women,i never wavered on that even when my husband cheated,confidence comes from within,i work with all big large tattooed men,we rescue bully breeds from shelters,they all say im feisty tenacious,and very intimidating,and would never want to pizz me off,see I have an aura of confidence,i command respect,but I also give respect,iam a alo a very quiet down to earth person,so I truly do not appreciate someone who doesn't know me,that I must be a weak person,caise I chose to forgive my husband.choosing to walk around hating,is not being confident either,its just sad,forgivness takes a strong person.i have my own money,my own car,no debt,no kids at home,i stay cause I wanted too,plain and simple

[NoC]

The BS vowed better and worse, yadda yadda. How is breaking those vows by ending the marriage honorable? When a spouse vows til death and bails out because of infidelity without even trying to make it work I think there is a case for their actions being as dishonorable as their spouses. If they were honorable people and meant their vows then they are bound by that honor to at least try to reconcile if their WS is remorseful and also wants to save the marriage.

 

Pride and confidence can also mean the BS understands that he/she is capable of getting past the pain and drama to rebuild their lives rather than taking the easy and fast out. Not to mention a lot of proud and confident people would be damned before they'd turn tail and run like cowards.

 

I think part of your disrespect issue here stems from a lack of understanding. It makes the affair about respecting the spouse. The truth is that an affair is often about the WS and the WS only. Very rarely is disrespect to the BS intended.

 

And, yes, if a WS wants to truly save the marriage and the BS refuses to entertain the idea then the BS is just as responsible for the break-up of the family as the WS.

 

If infidelity killed love there wouldn't be so many heartbroken people struggling with it. Infidelity doesn't kill love. Not real love, anyway. A lot of people wish it did, though.

 

I don't think you're a psycho, but I do suspect you've never been in love and married, built a shared life with someone, brought some children into the world, and then had to make a hard choice for the good of yourself, your spouse, and your children.

 

You cannot be serious! A WS kills a marriage with their affair. Whatever marriage that was before, becomes dead. By decising to R, a BS is essentially remarrying their WS and starting a new marriage, new vows etc. I feel sad that you believe fighting for a dead marriage is honourable. The decision to R is an option, not an obligation anymore to keep vows.

 

I think infidelity kills real love. Infactuation and lust are different though. I would really like to know how many BS would stay with their WS if they became paralyzed from an accident while they were in a car with the AP.

 

 

Sub, how can you truly R if you can't forgive the affair?

[NoC]

op sorry if this sounds rude but you sound very angry,are you an xow or a bs?

I really don't need anyone to tell me about respecting myself or being confident,because iam a very strong confident women,i never wavered on that even when my husband cheated,confidence comes from within,i work with all big large tattooed men,we rescue bully breeds from shelters,they all say im feisty tenacious,and very intimidating,and would never want to pizz me off,see I have an aura of confidence,i command respect,but I also give respect,iam a alo a very quiet down to earth person,so I truly do not appreciate someone who doesn't know me,that I must be a weak person,caise I chose to forgive my husband.choosing to walk around hating,is not being confident either,its just sad,forgivness takes a strong person.i have my own money,my own car,no debt,no kids at home,i stay cause I wanted too,plain and simple

 

I'm neither, and your post isn't rude at all. Did you stay because you thought you couldn't get a better partner? I don't understand the appeal in unfaithful partners to be honest. Would you ever be with someone who has cheated on their ex previously? Probably not, so why stay with a cheating spouse? It all just boggles me, trying to understand it all from your point of views, that is the purpose of this thread.

[Quiet Storm]

My mother decided to R with my wayward father, and they try their best to keep their personal relationship on the down low from us, but sometimes she has triggers and they fight, she cries because of it, it's not the same marriage as it was before. I honestly would prefer to see both my parents happy apart than miserable together. They seem happy now but I know it's been very difficult for them. R is just not worth it imo.

 

You say this as an adult, with fully developed coping skills. You have no idea how you would have turned out if they had split up when you were a child. Maybe you would've turned to drugs to cope. Maybe your standard of living would change and you'd have to move to a new place and leave your friends behind. Maybe your dad would have diminished contact with you because his new wife and kids were more important. Maybe your mom's boyfriend would have sexually abused you, without the deterrent of having a dad in the home. These are common issues that kids of divorce face. In a perfect world, divorce would be amicable and parents would be emotionally healthy and all that would change for the child is two happy parents living in separate places. Unfortunately it is not a perfect world and many parents have their own issues, get depressed by the divorce, live in poverty or get so involved in their new personal lives that their kids are an afterthought. You think you could've handled it and turned out OK, but you may not have had the tools as a child to cope with it in a healthy way.

 

Now that your parents have reconciled and are happy, they will have each other as they grow old. I don't see how you can say it's not worth it if they are happy now.

[Sub]

Would you ever be with someone who has cheated on their ex previously? Probably not, so why stay with a cheating spouse?

Because they're that: a spouse. There's potentially decades of redeeming history to fall back on with a spouse. A foundation. The original reasons you fell in love, or wanted to kiss them, or have a child with them. COMPLETELY different than deciding whether or not to be with someone new who you know cheated.

[snappytomcat]

it took a lot for me to come back but basically he had to show me true remorse,and that he has he has been an open book,i believe in second chances,but that's all you get if you fawk me over again,thats it.

oh and by the way I know I can get someone else if I wanted I get hit on all the time,is it flattering yes it is,i still got it.

my husband and I have a lot of fun together he makes me laugh,hes funny as hell,so I answered your question,your turn answer mine are you a bs,or ow/om?

[HereNorThere]

OP, if you want a real answer to your question, I suggest reading the back stories of those that R'd instead of divorcing. Just like with cheaters, the majority of R'ing BS have all sorts of issues on their own. Not all, but most have co-dependency issues. Another running theme is feeling like they were already dating or married "out of league." Most of the spouses were more attractive, made more money, had more control of finances, etc etc. Most of BS feared not being able to "do better" than their current spouse.

 

Some people are in the position to make demands during an R, but the majority of BS aren't. If the WS says, "I'm not going NC. I am not quitting my job. I am not going to be transparent. I am not counseling, etc. etc" and the person doesn't have the guts or self-esteem to leave, they're stuck with that person.

 

Simply put, most feel like they can't do better. The others do it for their children (without knowing it's actually more damaging to stay.)