I honestly don't understand why any BS would stay.

[NoC]

You say this as an adult, with fully developed coping skills. You have no idea how you would have turned out if they had split up when you were a child. Maybe you would've turned to drugs to cope. Maybe your standard of living would change and you'd have to move to a new place and leave your friends behind. Maybe your dad would have diminished contact with you because his new wife and kids were more important. Maybe your mom's boyfriend would have sexually abused you, without the deterrent of having a dad in the home. These are common issues that kids of divorce face. In a perfect world, divorce would be amicable and parents would be emotionally healthy and all that would change for the child is two happy parents living in separate places. Unfortunately it is not a perfect world and many parents have their own issues, get depressed by the divorce, live in poverty or get so involved in their new personal lives that their kids are an afterthought. You think you could've handled it and turned out OK, but you may not have had the tools as a child to cope with it in a healthy way.

 

Now that your parents have reconciled and are happy, they will have each other as they grow old. I don't see how you can say it's not worth it if they are happy now.

 

Fair enough, I can't dispute that as i've seen those scenarios first hand also. But what about those who experience those scenarios within a dysfunctional home? Do you see my point? There's no one guarantee that the kids won't be messed up within a complete home or a broken home. I see it merely as choosing the lesser of the two evils by deciding to D.

 

Because they're that: a spouse. There's potentially decades of redeeming history to fall back on with a spouse. A foundation. The original reasons you fell in love, or wanted to kiss them, or have a child with them. COMPLETELY different than deciding whether or not to be with someone new who you know cheated.

 

Redeeming history?? Since when has history ever been a justification for cheating? Remember we're looking at this from a point of moving FORWARD and how you choose your partner for your future. I believe having a history together is neglegable.

 

it took a lot for me to come back but basically he had to show me true remorse,and that he has he has been an open book,i believe in second chances,but that's all you get if you fawk me over again,thats it.

oh and by the way I know I can get someone else if I wanted I get hit on all the time,is it flattering yes it is,i still got it.

my husband and I have a lot of fun together he makes me laugh,hes funny as hell,so I answered your question,your turn answer mine are you a bs,or ow/om?

 

I didn't ask if you can get just anyone else, I said someone better. Obviously you consider those who randomly hit on you to be of lesser value than your WH, so I don't care about them. Are you telling me if a better man came along, you wouldn't let go of your WH? If you can answer that question for me honestly I will let it go.

 

I already answered your question, I said i'm neither. I could have very much been a BH if I stayed with my disrespectful stbxw, currently seperated and I don't know if she cheated on me or not, but I know she would have eventually. And I could have been the OM to 6 different married women plus 2 women in LTRs, but no thanks (although my little head hates me for it).

[NoC]

Some people are in the position to make demands during an R, but the majority of BS aren't. If the WS says, "I'm not going NC. I am not quitting my job. I am not going to be transparent. I am not counseling, etc. etc" and the person doesn't have the guts or self-esteem to leave, they're stuck with that person.

 

Simply put, most feel like they can't do better. The others do it for their children (without knowing it's actually more damaging to stay.)

 

Could not have said it better myself! Thank you. Snappy and Quiet Storm, this rings so much truth and makes me wonder about your posts.

[snappytomcat]

I did have a very nice good looking but a little older ask me out,he would be someone I would date if I wasn't married,but no sorry op I wouldn't,i believe I have the best,yes he fuwked up royally,and he knows this as well,but hes very attentive,sweet,loving to me I don't want anyone else

[snappytomcat]

OP, if you want a real answer to your question, I suggest reading the back stories of those that R'd instead of divorcing. Just like with cheaters, the majority of R'ing BS have all sorts of issues on their own. Not all, but most have co-dependency issues. Another running theme is feeling like they were already dating or married "out of league." Most of the spouses were more attractive, made more money, had more control of finances, etc etc. Most of BS feared not being able to "do better" than their current spouse.

 

Some people are in the position to make demands during an R, but the majority of BS aren't. If the WS says, "I'm not going NC. I am not quitting my job. I am not going to be transparent. I am not counseling, etc. etc" and the person doesn't have the guts or self-esteem to leave, they're stuck with that person.

 

Simply put, most feel like they can't do better. The others do it for their children (without knowing it's actually more damaging to stay.)

 

 

 

actually this isn't always true,dont lump every bs together first of all,i did leave,he wanted counseling set up all the appts,i can do better,like I said my husband is funny as hell,he makes me laugh,but hes not a handsome man,but I still love him,cause its not about that,im actually a lot more attractive than him,ive taken care of myself,he has not,i have my own money,i have my own things,i don't need a man to take care of me.

 

 

im not dependent on him for anything,we do everything 50/50.

it comes don to I love him,plain and simple and hes not dependent on me either he has a good job,kids are on their own

[OpenBook]

Someone needs to let me know where to find that handbook. I haven't been betrayed, but if it ever happens I plan on taking the same path you did. Reconcile and save the marriage and family if possible, divorce as last resort.

 

I, too, married my husband for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. If he's mentally broken, that's "sickness". If he physically and/or emotionally betrays me, that's "worse". I love the man and I meant it when I said til death do us part. I'm sure I'd be devastated and have a long hard road, but that's more of the "for worse" part that I would hope could lead to some "for better".

 

This is a horrible horrible thought (sorry)... but is it possible that many cheating spouses are counting on this kind of dedication, knowing that you won't leave no matter what - so (in their own thinking anyway) they can go out and do whatever they want, because they know you'll always be there for them?

 

Isn't that kind of what the OP is getting at? That he has made it clear to his W that any cheating on her part will be a dealbreaker for him, period? that there's a big honkin caveat next to his "til death do us part" promise to her?

 

Maybe it would go better if both parties thoroughly examined & discussed the marriage vows and exactly what they mean to each other, before they even think about walking down that aisle...

 

But somehow I don't think that up-front self-examination would matter.

 

I don't know what the answer is. Don't get married. That's my answer.

[Quiet Storm]

It's definitely more damaging to a child to remain in a home a with abuse, blatant hostility, untreated addiction or mental illness.

 

But if its things like no affection, some arguments and occasionally seeing tears, that is easier to cope with than the prolonged pain of divorce. Many kids of divorce are wishing they could hear their parents bickering in the kitchen together. Because it's not just about a child's ability to adjust, it's the fact that the child often takes it personally. They think things like " daddy doesn't love me enough to stay", and even if the child grows up and feels unaffected by that, it often shows up in subconscious ways and results in low self worth.

 

And again, this is not a perfect world with perfect parents. Divorce doesn't magically change miserable people to happy. It doesn't make people know how to cope. If someone cannot stop themselves from arguing in front of their kids in a marriage, these traits will not disappear with divorce. If someone lies and cheats and doesn't work to improve their character flaws, their bad judgment will come out in other ways, as a single parent and with new significant others. So the kid will still be affected by their parents inability to shield them from their issues. Divorce is just another thing for them to cope with.

 

Kids are very self focused and want a stable environment to grow and thrive in. Their parents happiness is not their priority. That comes later in life. So while I agree that really bad marriages should end, I would never think that an OK marriage would be worse than divorce on kids. Kids from high conflict marriages do better after divorce, but kids from low conflict marriage would benefit more from the intact marriage.

 

Here are some articles that may illustrate my points further:

 

SF : Social Forces

 

https://www.yahoo.com/parenting/kids-are-resilient-and-7-other-lies-divorcing-107330654983.html

 

This issue is very divided and there is no way to definitively say what is a better outcome for kids. Everyone has their own opinion based on personal experience, the people around them, and their feelings about marriage and parenthood.

[clevelander321]

It's definitely more damaging to a child to remain in a home a with abuse, blatant hostility, untreated addiction or mental illness.

 

But if its things like no affection, some arguments and occasionally seeing tears, that is easier to cope with than the prolonged pain of divorce. Many kids of divorce are wishing they could hear their parents bickering in the kitchen together. Because it's not just about a child's ability to adjust, it's the fact that the child often takes it personally. They think things like " daddy doesn't love me enough to stay", and even if the child grows up and feels unaffected by that, it often shows up in subconscious ways and results in low self worth.

 

And again, this is not a perfect world with perfect parents. Divorce doesn't magically change miserable people to happy. It doesn't make people know how to cope. If someone cannot stop themselves from arguing in front of their kids in a marriage, these traits will not disappear with divorce. If someone lies and cheats and doesn't work to improve their character flaws, their bad judgment will come out in other ways, as a single parent and with new significant others. So the kid will still be affected by their parents inability to shield them from their issues. Divorce is just another thing for them to cope with.

 

Kids are very self focused and want a stable environment to grow and thrive in. Their parents happiness is not their priority. That comes later in life. So while I agree that really bad marriages should end, I would never think that an OK marriage would be worse than divorce on kids. Kids from high conflict marriages do better after divorce, but kids from low conflict marriage would benefit more from the intact marriage.

 

Here are some articles that may illustrate my points further:

 

SF : Social Forces

 

https://www.yahoo.com/parenting/kids-are-resilient-and-7-other-lies-divorcing-107330654983.html

 

This issue is very divided and there is no way to definitively say what is a better outcome for kids. Everyone has their own opinion based on personal experience, the people around them, and their feelings about marriage and parenthood.

 

 

Love your post..

 

I am so sick of hearing "kids are resilient", and then people use this as an excuse to cheat or seek more "happiness" for themselves instead of staying with an otherwise faithful and loving spouse.

 

Divorce sucks for kids.. Sucks bad..This child will never have the 2 people together to share things with at the same time.. The 2 people who love him/her most..

 

Yes, in a high conflict marriage with drugs/violence divorce is better. But the vast majority of marriages are due to one spouse being bored or "not in love enough", or "too much routine", so they divorce/cheat and think it will have no affect on the children.

Edited January 21, 2015 by clevelander321

[gettingstronger]

Who are you No Contact with? Why right out of the gate are you questioning the BS on the board? I am trying to figure out the root of this post- it will help word answers in a way you may better understand-

[NoC]

Snappy it sounds like you do love him, good for you and I hope he realizes how lucky he is!

 

Quiet Storm you're right about everything in that post, didn't see it that way before. This brings me to what openbook said, wouldn't that give a WS more incentive to cheat knowing that their BS will stay with them "for the kids" or to "keep their vows"? It's a sad realization that this is the way marriages work to be honest.

 

Clevelander I agree with you for the most part, but this isn't about that. This is about a BS staying with a WS after infidelity.

 

gettingstronger I bought a one way ticket to North Carolina from my stbxw after I left her (no kids thank God). This thread is just a question I was thinking about, i'm not seeking any help in particular.

[thefooloftheyear]

Love your post..

 

I am so sick of hearing "kids are resilient", and then people use this as an excuse to cheat or seek more "happiness" for themselves instead of staying with an otherwise faithful and loving spouse.

 

Divorce sucks for kids.. Sucks bad..This child will never have the 2 people together to share things with at the same time.. The 2 people who love him/her most..

 

Yes, in a high conflict marriage with drugs/violence divorce is better. But the vast majority of marriages are due to one spouse being bored or "not in love enough", or "too much routine", so they divorce/cheat and think it will have no affect on the children.

 

Couldnt agree more...Kids take it the hardest...They dont really understand any of the "problems"....they are adult problems and kids dont care about that stuff..All they care about is that their little world is going to get blown up..

 

People are imperfect beings...No one should really criticise someone for making these tough decisions ...And quite frankly, putting the welfare and well being of your child(ren) over some bitterness and resentment is a honorable deed, under just about any circumstances...

 

I have some people that are close to me that have survived infidelity and moved on to become stronger and more dedicated to one another...No one would justify it, but sometimes things just "come to a head" in this way, and it serves as a wake-up call, when things arent going well for years or decades, and constantly get swept under the rug..

 

It takes a mountain of work, and I salute all that are putting in the effort..

 

TFY

[thefooloftheyear]

Snappy it sounds like you do love him, good for you and I hope he realizes how lucky he is!

 

Quiet Storm you're right about everything in that post, didn't see it that way before. This brings me to what openbook said, wouldn't that give a WS more incentive to cheat knowing that their BS will stay with them "for the kids" or to "keep their vows"? It's a sad realization that this is the way marriages work to be honest.

 

Clevelander I agree with you for the most part, but this isn't about that. This is about a BS staying with a WS after infidelity.

 

gettingstronger I bought a one way ticket to North Carolina from my stbxw after I left her (no kids thank God). This thread is just a question I was thinking about, i'm not seeking any help in particular.

 

I'd say that those types would be more of the sociopathic types and probably not typical of most scenarios...

 

TFY

[Danda]

Why do some people stay with abusers (of any kind)?

 

If your spouse disrespects you, lies to you, doesn't care about your well-being (emotional and physical health), etc, why stay?

 

Yet many do.

 

Cheating is only one manifestation out of many possibilities, as far as how an SO or spouse could be disrespectful, manipulative, deceptive, etc.

 

So it's never going to shock me, honestly, if a betrayed spouse chooses to reconcile.

 

I've seen people take back SOs who degraded them, stole from them and/or physically assaulted them. So something like an affair just falls in line with a long list of all sorts of things that people might put up with or forgive.

 

The majority of the time I think it boils down to a lack of self-respect at its core.

 

Although occasionally I've seen couples where both partners cheat on each other, and then it becomes a more complicated dynamic all around.

[Sub]

 

Redeeming history?? Since when has history ever been a justification for cheating? Remember we're looking at this from a point of moving FORWARD and how you choose your partner for your future. I believe having a history together is neglegable.

Oy ve. You compared reconciling with a WS to dating someone new who cheated. I gave you the difference. You somehow got that it was a justification for cheating. You missed the point.

 

And yes, moving forward is somewhat dependent on history. I didn't reconcile based completely on a guess of what my WW might be after she cheated. She didn't become a total stranger, no matter how out of character her behavior was after 17 good years of dating and marriage. Thus the term "calculated" risk. I'm sorry that you and your disrespectful wife don't have that foundation. It's been my experience that the people who do are the most likely to survive infidelity and eventually prosper.

[whichwayisup]

People deserve second chances if they are worthy of it and the marriage is worth fighting for. I've said this numerous times and I'll say it again, it takes a special person with a big heart to take back a spouse who has cheated. If the WS does all required and is willing to work hard on him/herself and do counseling with their BS, anything can happen.

 

Each person's reasons for staying are different and are valid to them, nobody has the right to poo poo his/her reasons as to why they chose to give their WS a second chance.

 

A BS isn't weak, or pathetic as some on here believe, a BS is a strong person who chooses to forgive because they feel their spouse is worth it and deserves a second chance.

 

With that said, of course a BS shouldn't 'beg' and lay down, let the WS walk all over them either. If a WS isn't willing to work with their BS to fix things, then that's different. And if a WS continues cheating, all bets are off and they deserve to be served divorce papers.

[NoC]

Why do some people stay with abusers (of any kind)?

 

If your spouse disrespects you, lies to you, doesn't care about your well-being (emotional and physical health), etc, why stay?

 

Yet many do.

 

Cheating is only one manifestation out of many possibilities, as far as how an SO or spouse could be disrespectful, manipulative, deceptive, etc.

 

So it's never going to shock me, honestly, if a betrayed spouse chooses to reconcile.

 

I've seen people take back SOs who degraded them, stole from them and/or physically assaulted them. So something like an affair just falls in line with a long list of all sorts of things that people might put up with or forgive.

 

The majority of the time I think it boils down to a lack of self-respect at its core.

 

Although occasionally I've seen couples where both partners cheat on each other, and then it becomes a more complicated dynamic all around.

 

Pretty much this is what I have been trying to say all along.

 

 

Oy ve. You compared reconciling with a WS to dating someone new who cheated. I gave you the difference. You somehow got that it was a justification for cheating. You missed the point.

 

And yes, moving forward is somewhat dependent on history. I didn't reconcile based completely on a guess of what my WW might be after she cheated. She didn't become a total stranger, no matter how out of character her behavior was after 17 good years of dating and marriage. Thus the term "calculated" risk. I'm sorry that you and your disrespectful wife don't have that foundation. It's been my experience that the people who do are the most likely to survive infidelity and eventually prosper.

 

No I didn't miss the point, we're just looking at it differenty. I'm sure you can agree with me that once a WS is unfaithful, the previous marriage is dead. Regardless of the history you may have, you would be starting the relationship all over again with them as you would a new romantic partner. Even you know this. So why then would you accept someone who has cheated before?

 

People deserve second chances if they are worthy of it and the marriage is worth fighting for. I've said this numerous times and I'll say it again, it takes a special person with a big heart to take back a spouse who has cheated. If the WS does all required and is willing to work hard on him/herself and do counseling with their BS, anything can happen.

 

Each person's reasons for staying are different and are valid to them, nobody has the right to poo poo his/her reasons as to why they chose to give their WS a second chance.

 

A BS isn't weak, or pathetic as some on here believe, a BS is a strong person who chooses to forgive because they feel their spouse is worth it and deserves a second chance.

 

With that said, of course a BS shouldn't 'beg' and lay down, let the WS walk all over them either. If a WS isn't willing to work with their BS to fix things, then that's different. And if a WS continues cheating, all bets are off and they deserve to be served divorce papers.

 

whichway I like you, but I have to disagree with you on the bolded. I fail to see how a WS can ever be "worth it" after having an afair... Please elaborate what you meant by that?

[fellini]

I think you have exhausted your arguments. There were essentially spelled out for us from the initial post: "I don't understand" and I think you were right, you don't, but with the addage: "I'm not even OPEN to understanding".

 

What you say below is frankly hollow crap. "the marriage is dead" the "relationship is over" A RELATIONSHIP NEVER ENDS! NOT EVEN AFTER DEATH. Your concepts are so limited and air tight you aren't able to listen.

 

Who are you to say to anyone that after 20 years of marriage, and a ONS "the marriage is dead!" Dead is dead. My father is DEAD, I know the difference between a "dead thing" and a living thing. As long as two people continue to live under the same roof breathing and talking to each other the marriage is NOT DEAD. It can be in a comma if you like analogies, but it ain't dead until the Fat Lady sings.

 

And a RELEATIONSHIP? Starting AGAIN! Are you serious. "Oh honey, you cheated on me. Ill just erase every nuance of the past 18 years together and we will give it another try ... what do you say?"

 

Saying something, as cute or as powerful as it sounds sometimes just needs to be called out. My commonlaw marriage (so don't even bother talking to me about infidelity and marriage - because it can happen in all kinds of relationships) ended 22 years ago. But I STILL have a relationship with that woman. And a very good one. I even spent 10 days in her home helping with recovery of a surgery of our downs syndrome son. I don't love her, I don't have to disrespect her just because we are no longer a thing. But she is NOT just a "friend". Your categories are shockingly FIXED and depressingly devoid of any genuine spirit. But that's your problem.

 

You posted that you "honestly" wanted to know. And it seems to me that a surprising number of posters here have told your perspective is nothing but that, yours. And that you are clearly wrong in judging people for not being you. And right from go, just like another thread here on Ls that begins with "honestly" you told us what YOU would accept and not accept. Then asked us to join in. You have been called on that too. So people did discuss kids, because it is part of the answer to your question.

 

And you have only found the courtesy to "like" ONE post which supported BS's reconciling with a WS because he characterized BS's in such a pathetic, yes pathetic way that you could agree with him.

 

When I was 17 and working in Canada in a camera shop my manager taught me a lesson about customers who came in that has stayed with me more than 40 years. Because he was right, and it wasn't just about people shopping.

 

He told me there are two kinds of customers

1. Those who want to honestly - genuinely know about which camera is the best to buy for themselves and

 

2. Those who already bought a specific model and just want you to confirm they made the right choice. They want validation for their decision. Nothing more.

 

You are number 2.

 

And as long as you are, you will never listen to those of us who are number 1.

 

 

 

 

No I didn't miss the point, we're just looking at it differenty. I'm sure you can agree with me that once a WS is unfaithful, the previous marriage is dead. Regardless of the history you may have, you would be starting the relationship all over again with them as you would a new romantic partner. Even you know this. So why then would you accept someone who has cheated before?

Edited January 21, 2015 by fellini

[gettingstronger]

OP- I think you are in that "marriage sucks" phase based on your current situation- I feel like you are consoling yourself with "well, at least she didn't cheat on me" trying to find some power, finding a way to be better than those that decide to stay married- while I totally understand this, I can say, you can not build yourself up while knocking down others- its just not sustainable-

 

Your marriage did not work out- thats painful and I am sorry for you-you may feel like a failure, but you should not- the failure of a marriage is so complex you just can not shoulder all the burden-

 

I wish you much luck and healing in North Carolina- look for the positives, don't compare, don't degrade, heal and be happy-

[gettingstronger]

Just like with cheaters, the majority of R'ing BS have all sorts of issues on their own. Not all, but most have co-dependency issues. Another running theme is feeling like they were already dating or married "out of league." Most of the spouses were more attractive, made more money, had more control of finances, etc etc. Most of BS feared not being able to "do better" than their current spouse.

 

 

 

I am unclear on which board you are basing this- seems to be on LS that most of us in reconciliation have spouses that feel lucky to be given this chance-I do not see the imbalance you speak of in anything that would rise to the level of "most"-

[autumnnight]

I am assuming the OP has never done anything wrong or hurtful and is pretty darn confident he will never do anything wrong or hurtful to anyone he loves - that is if he believes in actual love and not that fluffy fuzzy feeling that one has only as long as it's easy.

 

If he ever falls from his pedestal of perfection, he may be wishing that someone show more compassion and grace to him than he shows to others.

[NoC]

Lets agree to disagree. Terribly sorry if I offended anyone!

[whichwayisup]

 

 

 

whichway I like you, but I have to disagree with you on the bolded. I fail to see how a WS can ever be "worth it" after having an afair... Please elaborate what you meant by that?

 

You are hellbent to just see things your way and you have that right so really what I say or anybody else says won't make a difference because of how you feel towards infidelity. And that's okay. Not all can forgive an affair, it's one strike (affair) and you're out. But some feel differently obviously.

 

Kids are a factor. If the marriage was good and there's a long history there, then a BS may feel her WS is worth fighting for. He/she feels that they can recover and reconnect again.

 

IF a WS regrets and is remorseful, is willing to put in 100% effort to fix things, why not allow him/her that chance to make it right again?

[Toodaloo]

Please please explain to me why a BS would stay with a WS. Kids cannot be an excuse, so what is the reason to stay? Your WS has disrespected you in the worst possible way, and you decide to stay? Those who advocate R after DDay I have to disagree sorry. I think it shows a lack of self-respect no matter what justification you use. I'm a firm believer in walking away after any form of infidelity even an EA.

 

Discuss.

 

I stayed after I found out my ex had been sleeping around as I am not one to just throw things away and as we were going through a rough patch I figured that he could have done it for other reasons... lord knows I was tempted myself.

 

Some people can compartmentalise sex away from their day to day lives or perhaps they feel unloved and unwanted as daily life takes over?

 

Personally I would not want to throw away someone I love because I have not shown them that I care about them and I have neglected them.

 

In my case it was balls and he was just an arse. However I do know couples where this has happened. Their communication is much better and stronger and they are much happier post affair than they were pre affair. in these cases they have worked together to repair damage done and also to recognise when things are getting tough and they may be taking each other for granted so they can stop for a moment and just spend that time to ensure their loved one KNOWS thath they are loved.

[Sub]

I'm sure you can agree with me that once a WS is unfaithful, the previous marriage is dead.

I think it's obvious I don't agree with this, no. There are no absolutes. There are some M's where this may be true. Some M's were doomed from the start. Some should have never happened. Mine wasn't one of them.

 

Regardless of the history you may have, you would be starting the relationship all over again with them as you would a new romantic partner. Even you know this. So why then would you accept someone who has cheated before?

I agree with others in that you're just hearing what you want to hear at this point and not making any attempts get the other side of the story. I don't know this. I do know I can't be any clearer on this, though.

[MJJean]

You cannot be serious! A WS kills a marriage with their affair. Whatever marriage that was before, becomes dead. By decising to R, a BS is essentially remarrying their WS and starting a new marriage, new vows etc. I feel sad that you believe fighting for a dead marriage is honourable. The decision to R is an option, not an obligation anymore to keep vows.

 

I think infidelity kills real love. Infactuation and lust are different though. I would really like to know how many BS would stay with their WS if they became paralyzed from an accident while they were in a car with the AP.

 

I'm dead serious. I'm catholic. I'll try to make this as not confusing as possible, but those unfamiliar with my faith and even those who are catholic become confused about Church teachings. All I can do is my best to explain.

 

The Church teaches marriage is a Sacrament conferred from the spouses to each other. A total and complete giving and receiving of the whole person of one to the other. The priest does not marry the individuals, he is more of a witness for the Church.

 

The Church also teaches that a valid marriage is for the entire life, unbreakable, and cannot be dissolved by divorce. Meaning, a divorced person who has not gotten an annulment is still Sacramentally, if not legally, married. Thus, ineligible to remarry until their spouses death.

 

Annulment through the Church Tribunal after a divorce is possible if the marriage was invalid due to some defect of form (a catholic marrying outside the Church without dispensation), consent (one or both parties intended to exclude some fundamental part of marriage like fidelity, permanence, children),or other impediment (too closely related, under age, previous unannulled marriage) at the time of the ceremony. Nothing after that point can invalidate the marriage, not even adultery.

 

The Church understands if a betrayed spouse wishes to civilly divorce upon discovering adultery and in some other cases such as abuse or addiction, but considering the divorce morally justified does not mean the divorced parties are free to date and remarry. It just means they are legally divorced, spiritually/Sacramentally still married, and any relationship of a romantic nature they enter into is adulterous, a Mortal Sin, unless their former spouse dies or they receive an annulment.

 

So, since I and my DH, as a catholics, freely married with full knowledge, consent, and ability nothing we do from the moment we consummated the marriage invalidates it. Meaning, it is our duty to try to reconcile if at all possible.

 

(Yes, a lot of people marry with the idea the divorce is able to dissolve a marriage or thinking they can leave if they're no longer in love, or intending infidelity and those marriages can be annulled through the Church due to defects in consent since you can't consent to something you don't understand or believe. I'm a convert, my husband a cradle catholic, and we specifically discussed among ourselves and with our priest what marriage means religiously...so, we don't have an out. We went into it with eyes wide open. We knew exactly what we were consenting to.)

 

In short, we as catholics don't believe a marriage can be killed. Love..maybe. But not marriage. Marriage is for life and love is a verb. Something you do. Something you decide anew every day.

 

Aside from all that, I have my own responsibility to uphold my vows. I said "For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, til death do we part". There weren't any exceptions in there. I didn't say "unless you break your vows". There is no out clause in the marital contract.

 

For me to behave in an honorable way I must do my best to forgive and reconcile if my husband is repentant and asks forgiveness and to work on the marriage. If he's not repentant, if he doesn't ask for forgiveness, if he wishes to leave, then I could divorce in good conscience.

 

Oh, and vice versa. It's not like I am some saint. It's possible that some day I could fall and commit adultery myself, you know. I'm sure a lot of people don't think they'd ever do that until they do. So, I'd expect him to uphold his vows and also do his best to forgive and reconcile if I were to be the one who made a terrible mistake.

[badkarma2013]

You are hellbent to just see things your way and you have that right so really what I say or anybody else says won't make a difference because of how you feel towards infidelity. And that's okay. Not all can forgive an affair, it's one strike (affair) and you're out. But some feel differently obviously.

 

Kids are a factor. If the marriage was good and there's a long history there, then a BS may feel her WS is worth fighting for. He/she feels that they can recover and reconnect again.

 

IF a WS regrets and is remorseful, is willing to put in 100% effort to fix things, why not allow him/her that chance to make it right again?

 

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I think really you have Simply stated what everyone is trying to say...

 

If you feel that you can live with your WS, forgive and try to R ...Then do it...

 

To many BH/BW THINK they can R when in their heart of hearts They DA$N well know they can NEVER get over the lies and betrayal...They try and ALL parties live thru hell until one cannot take it anymore...

 

Then as it was for me my WWS Choice to have sex with her Boss/OM was ( I know fellini hates this term,but i dont have a better one) a Dealbreaker... I knew.. .If she thought she could go on a 8-12 month Fuc$fest with the OM and come home and say Im sorry ...I never meant to hurt you...AND ME eat that ...and everything is going to be ok ...well NO... subsequently WE ALL learned a hard lesson...

 

I COULD NOT GET OVER IT...as many here cannot...Again for the record I am not anti R...Just have not seen it work much...