sandylee1 Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I don't like guys my own age. I don't like clingy men. . ------------------------------------------------------ This is no reason to be number 2. There are dating sites specifically for ladies who like dating older guys. I know someone who has used one and she's very very happy with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Broom Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 You are not even priority #4 to him. You get ~30m a day and you think that means you have value. That's just out of convenience for him. If you were really important, he would shift things in his schedule to make time for you and put things before you. He does not. The reason he still wants to remain in contact is exactly what you said - ego boost. He still needs that to fill random gaps in his day, and that's your purpose. Other than that, he's good (until he needs you again). Know that if you want to remain "friends" nothing will come of it. Nothing for your benefit. He's the one winning by continuing to draw what he wants from you and manipulating you back and forth to keep you confused. Do not type, text, say, email anything you have written out. It won't matter. Know that he does not care about that wall of text or your feelings. It will just affirm that you are into him too much. He will probably even draw more of an ego boost that you are thinking about him that much and so emotionally caught up in him. If you just drop him, you will get a small victory. He will be confused, hurt, and missing the things he got from you. Watch him squirm for a bit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 You kind of lost me with the part about having to get him to respond to your texts. I wouldn't waste my time on pining over a guy who did this to me, so I really can't relate. Sorry. As far as being friends with him, that's fine. Do that. I'm friends with my xMM. But like I said, it has faded over time. Not because we're mad at each other but because we lost the connection we once had. It has been a natural progression. He has made a few attempts to get me back but he knows now - without question - that I'm done being his mistress. We're talking 10 yrs later. The passion doesn't die and the MM will never stop trying. You need to get past this stuff because you're letting him feed your ego. There IS a great single guy out there! All you need is one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 He does not sound like a good friend to have. Friends don't treat each other that way. As to your note , don't discuss any of that. All of it sounds like you are still in the affair and you are talking about it or you want it to restart. It's hard to go back to friends when there is still so many emotions still there. If you want to write it then write it like you would to a friend who has confused or hurt you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 The title of your thread is "how to break the cycle"? Everyone here can give you all kinds of advice. We can write texts for you - and tell you exactly what to say, but the bottom line is the only one who can break the cycle is YOU. Believe me, when you get to the lowest point in this relatinship, you will break it or it will break you to keep going. You haven't got to the breaking point yet, b/c you are still in it. You are still trying to understand his motives. No, you can't be friends. Yes, you just break the cycle. That means No Contact. You go NC one day at a time. Someways it's literally one minute at a time. You realize when you break NC you fall deeper into the hole of despair. You have to be willing to feel the pain of letting him go. It's brutal at first, but the longer you go NC, the stronger you get and suddenly you being to see yourself again. It's like a drug. You are the addict. Get help. Like all addictions, they don't have to control your life - but you do need to take control of yourself. That's the only way out. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 MM and I pretend to be friends when in reality we desire each other. It's a joke but we do it. I figure its just to keep the door open in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I for one have no room in my life for people who lie, cheat, or manipulate. I am too caring, down to earth and authentic to surround myself with those kind of people. I am not sure why anyone would invite that into their life, other than in a moment of temporary insanity. Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Know that he does not care about that wall of text or your feelings. It will just affirm that you are into him too much. He will probably even draw more of an ego boost that you are thinking about him that much and so emotionally caught up in him. If you just drop him, you will get a small victory. He will be confused, hurt, and missing the things he got from you. Watch him squirm for a bit. This is good advice. You are so uncertain in your demands and so susceptible to his charms right now, it's better not to communicate with anything other than silence. Do what Broom says ... claim a small victory, retain a smidgen of dignity and just drop him. Whatever you do, don't send him your bullet points in any configuration. You just look desperate and clingy. He will read it as you keeping the door wide open, not closing it. You made basically the same post in September and don't seem to have progressed at all. In fact, a year ago you were bemoaning your A with him. You're young and beautiful, go take the world by the horns. Weak, sniveling mess does not look good on you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author missannoyed Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 So much good advice. Thank you all so much. I am at breaking point, I've just been in denial about it. Ok. I'll try to go NC. What do I say if he asks me why I'm ignoring him though? And also. When I try to date. I subconsciously don't choose anyone that fits that cycle type anymore. I mean I emotionally and physically can't force myself to get to know guys unless I'm the initiator, or chaser. It's hopeless. I want to be happy and with someone. But since him I'm only attracted to the unavailable type. And don't know how to be normal and choose healthy relationships anymore Its like. Nothing else compares. I'm scared to go NC but I'll do it. I just don't feel comftable or have a connection with most men. His like the rare exception. I'm beginning to think there's something seriously wrong with me. Thanks for the advice though Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 What do I say if he asks me why I'm ignoring him though? Um...If you're ignoring him, you're not saying anything. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author missannoyed Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 True... It just feels pretty harsh when I know the friend side of him so well. Like I owe an explanation at least. I'll try. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 True... It just feels pretty harsh when I know the friend side of him so well. Like I owe an explanation at least. I'll try. No, what you really want is one more shot to get something to change. You owe him nothing. Question, if you were dating a single guy then he picked another woman over you would you feel you owe him something? Timing means nothing, you are his backup girl, side piece or whatever, is there really a difference? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 You need to go NC and block him, this is stealing away your youth for an old guy who cant even commit to his wife fully, he has no spine, says he feels guilty then comes back and takes your emotions for another spin. Then drops you again leaving you lonely and confused but your concerned for his feelings if you ignore him? You have nothing to ignore if he is blocked. Drop him and never look back, why feel sorry for him.Hes married and you are a source of guilt and conflict for him he says? Fine then, Let him go. Link to post Share on other sites
Pinklotus Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Can you explain how a MM who gives you no time and plays games gives you "security"? And yes to the therapy. You need to find out why single and available men don't do it for you, and btw, there are single men who are older if that's really what you're into. I don't know what to do anymore. I should probably get therapy lol I know this weird thing with a guy twice my age is just wrong on all levels. I'm too embarrassed to talk to any of my friends about this It feels quite therapeutic talking to you all here. I've got commitment issues, I'm just scared I'm going to end up old and alone. I'm addicted to the chase, and younger guys just don't do it for me. If they are interested to start with I'm not. I guess I just like the security of an older man. Someone that has experience in life that can guide me in the right directions when I make silly decisions as usual. I just don't even know what to do with myself anymore. I wish I could just be normal and find a guy my own age, without the need to be a destruction home wrecker. I just don't know how to go about changing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 When I try to date. I subconsciously don't choose anyone that fits that cycle type anymore. I mean I emotionally and physically can't force myself to get to know guys unless I'm the initiator, or chaser. It's hopeless. I want to be happy and with someone. But since him I'm only attracted to the unavailable type. And don't know how to be normal and choose healthy relationships anymore ... I'm beginning to think there's something seriously wrong with me. Maybe it's something deeply rooted, maybe not. It could just be that you're young and immature and lacking perspective. You can't make blanket statements like "It's hopeless," or "I'm only attracted to unavailable men," when you're only in your early 20s. It's also a convenient excuse to continue your inappropriate MO, isn't it? Don't use the "but we've been friends for so long excuse either." Plenty of OWs (myself included) were long-term friends first. You cross the line, friendship over. You yourself have owned up to trying and failing at the friendship thing. There is nothing in your posts to suggest anything but another epic fail ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 How about forget about sleeping with the married guy and just stay away from guys in generals until you get your head screwed on straight? OMG! Did she really just say "no man"?? She did. Imagine that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author missannoyed Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 "OMG come join us on the bandwagon she says" Thanks. I get it. Do as we say not as we do. Dually noted LS OW. ta Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 "OMG come join us on the bandwagon she says" Thanks. I get it. Do as we say not as we do. Dually noted LS OW. ta These women have traveled this road, many have tried the low contact and many found themselves deeply planted back at step one. If you're open to it they can save you a lot of pain and aide in a faster recovery. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 "OMG come join us on the bandwagon she says" Thanks. I get it. Do as we say not as we do. Dually noted LS OW. ta Oh wow, that was really meant to be humorous. I'm sorry, missannoyed, I didn't mean to upset you. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Staying 'friends' with him just makes it an emotional affair and keeps you into him. The dynamic itself won't change, he'll be there for you on his terms and time frame, like before. You'll still have tons of feelings for him and he'll still be married. People try to make it work but in the end it hurts too much and also prevents you from grieving and letting go completely. How can you detach from someone and try to get over them if you're in contact? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 So much good advice. Thank you all so much. I am at breaking point, I've just been in denial about it. Ok. I'll try to go NC. What do I say if he asks me why I'm ignoring him though? Don't just ignore him. Be honest and tell him why you need to let go and go no contact mode with him. That it's just too hard to be in touch and it's not fair to you, all the meanwhile he continues on living his life with his wife and family and you're alone. Ask him to please respect your wishes and not to contact you. And also. When I try to date. I subconsciously don't choose anyone that fits that cycle type anymore. I mean I emotionally and physically can't force myself to get to know guys unless I'm the initiator, or chaser. It's hopeless. I want to be happy and with someone. But since him I'm only attracted to the unavailable type. And don't know how to be normal and choose healthy relationships anymore Put this out of your head for now, you're no where ready to start dating and having serious relationships with others, sure it might feel nice to have attention and go on a date but your heart won't be in it. You need to grieve the loss of your (ex)MM and take care of yourself, spend time with your women friends and people who care about you, and can make you laugh as well. Counseling can help sort out stuff as well, your choices in men haven't been good so talking to someone professional can help you figure out why you're attracting the wrong types of guys. Its like. Nothing else compares. I'm scared to go NC but I'll do it. I just don't feel comftable or have a connection with most men. His like the rare exception. I'm beginning to think there's something seriously wrong with me. Thanks for the advice though Don't be afraid of crying and feeling pain. Focus on letting go and not worrying about the future about what if you meet some other guy. Worry about that when it happens down the road, not now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author missannoyed Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 I went NC.... it did not go so smoothly... I wanted to know the truth from him. I texted him and ended due to my suspicious as him keeping me around as an ego stroke and fallback girl. He did not even reply to deny my so called allegations. He always replies. In that, I finally got my answer. I should have left it at that, but instead I sent another text last night as I was mad with his lack of explanation, and I just called him a **** - immature of me I know I had a few glasses of wine at the time haha do'h. Needless to say he didn't respond to that either. I'm so done this time. Thanks for all the advice and I'm sorry I lost my temper with some of you I guess it was just hard to hear, but thanks Link to post Share on other sites
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