Upgrading myself to 2.0

[unforgotten]

Hello all!

 

I feel like this BU is the opportunity of my life to become a person that is happy, positive, full of energy, calm and joyful. I am 25 years old and I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling miserable. I've never really been happy except when being a kid. Even when I was in a relationship I felt stuck, empty, sad, lonely, numb, miserable, depressed, anxious, bitter etc. and I know this played a big role in my BU. Only obsessions were making me happy but in the end leaving me more empty and miserable than ever. Everything seemed pointless, I wondered about life and death, sometimes wishing everything would just end already. I've had everything really but felt like I have nothing at all. I was and still am somehow unable to feel joy and live in the moment and just be simply happy. I've always looked at other people and wondered how are they able to be so happy. I envied them. Looking at old couples smiling, kissing each other and I felt like maybe there's something wrong with my relationship as well and it is bringing me down. I can see now there wasn't. It's something corrupted inside of me. There were remarks coming even from my family that I'm too serious, I don't laugh a lot (only this or that can really make me laugh) that I have no feelings. But I know deep inside things hurt me even much more than those around me. They cry it out and move on but I feel it on a much deeper level.

 

Don't get me wrong. The first 3 post BU months were living hell. I've never experienced such a trauma in my life. The black hole of the depression was deeper than ever and everyday I felt like I'd better be dead. For the past 10 days these feelings are gone. I've somehow dug myself out of that hole which is a huge progress for me. I don't even know how I did it but I'm glad I did. I know I can be happy. I've experienced happiness before. I have memories of me and my ex just walking on the sunshine, holding hands and I felt that life is good. In moments like those I knew that was IT, I loved her, I'd gave my life for her but I was so sad that I was simply unable to feel that way in 99% of the time. Not about her, about life in general. I don't enjoy life, I am fighting through it day by day and that's not living at all. Yes I miss her, I'm sad the BU happened etc. but there's more than that. This has nothing to do with her at all. I think if I started another relationship with a gorgeous woman of my dreams things still wouldn't be different. I wake up anxious for nothing. I feel that way most of the time. A few days back I even panicked. I remember I was thinking about my ex and how we will never be together again and it made me want to throw up twice. My heart raced, I felt like I'm going to faint. I don't see any reason behind it but I want to fight this and make it go away. I want to feel that divine peace and "life is good" feeling more than just on rare occasions. A few days back I was out with my friends feeling OK and when we were driving home I was sitting in the back of the car kind of pleasantly tired and we were just having a cheap talk and it felt so good. I thought about my ex and just didn't give a crap. Nothing mattered at all. I thought "this is it!". But then the morning reality kicks in again... I've felt this way maybe twice or three times since BU. I don't want to think about her (I still do it every day, my mind often wanders), about the past, about the point of life etc. I want to live and be happy living. Does any of this sounds familiar to you or am I a lost cause? Am I able to achieve this? Any advice on what to do to enrich my life and step on the right path?

 

What am I doing to battle all this? After BU I've managed to get myself some new friends and I'm still expanding my social circle. I hang out with my family. I visit fitness every day, I eat healthy and try to get some discipline back into my life, I read spiritual books, try to force myself to work on my past hobbies that were making me happy, I go for walks with my dog. All of these things helped me to get to the point where I stand now but this is not nearly the point I want to be at.

 

Thanks for reading!

[Van AZN]

I've been the same exact position. That despair is oh so familiar yet now I'm happier than can be. You are on the right path and those moments of bliss will come more often with time.

 

Just keep surrounding yourself with positive interactions (ie friends, food, music, writing, etc...) and you'll step out every morning a better man.

 

A personal story of what also helped me out (but was at least 8 months after a breakup) was I went back to her Facebook and saw the guy that she was dating and the fun she was having....and I was happy for her. I also realized that who she is now wasn't really the same girl I had feelings for months before. She became a girl that I would any other day say "cute, but not for me". So realizing that you are in a different place in your life with new aspirations, life goals, etc.. and seeing how she doesn't align with those can help you get to where you want to be.

 

Just keep up the positive attitude and expand your life.

 

Good luck!