Does Meeting The One Make Even The Longest Distance Work

[Leigh 87]

How many guys that know they are going to move to the opposite end of the world, will willingly enter into a relationship? IF they know in a few months time that they are going to move? Or are there many men who would feel strongly enough about a woman for them to willingly enter into a relationship knowing full well that they were leaving the country and not able to return (visa issues)?

 

I met a guy on the 30th. He always knew he had to go back to Ireland, he has been planning on going back for a good while, for a year or two he has wanted to move back....the catalyst for him moving back is that he is a groomsman at his best friends wedding and he always knew he was leaving and not coming back (he is not aloud to once he is out). He met me and he wanted to make it work. He was upfront and told me that he hadn't felt this way before and that we should make a real go of trying to make long distance work....I used my flyer miles to visit him and he spoilt me for a week, bought me an expensive birthday gifts and asked me to please be his girlfriend and meet his best friends. He then was due to visit me in a couple of weeks......Family is everything to him but he said that he wanted to not tell his sister who lives nearby to me, and go and stay with me instead.... Which is a big deal for him. He really wanted us to work.

 

He said he knew it was a long shot from the first day he met me, being the sort of person that he is.. ignorant stubborn and very much set in his ways. Not one to compromise and put fourth the effort for a woman who lives locally much less long distance. He seemed to really melt after he met me however, based on his actions and based on what his house mate and long time friend told me about him...He said that he wanted me to be the person he changed for and just did what it took to settle down with me and make the distance work.

 

When I got back from my trip to see him, after two days of me being back, he said that he doesn't think it is a good idea for us to continue talking nightly and texting daily as we once were; that he just can't bring himself to have to leave and say goodbye to one another later this year knowing full well he cannot get back into the country and I have my 3 year Uni degree that I have my heart set on. He had asked me a lot about the degree...how long it was.. He did ask me at one stage if I had my heart set on the degree... he was considering the prospect of me moving to Ireland with him if things went well

 

He doesn't think it is wise to meet up and have fun of any kind either even though the sex was rather explosive. We fell rather hard and fast for one anotherand he instantly fell into the pattern of daily texting me and calling me, wanting us to be "together" and exclusive... He doesn't think it would be pretty if we continued on and then he had to leave; he DOES NOT want to enter into a long distance relationship and, after 3 weeks of knowing me, he says it is better to hurt NOW than 5 months down the track.....He doesn't think we could both act casual and not catch further feelings, either.

 

He swears he is set in his ways, ignorant and selfish - that NO woman was ever in the plan for him whilst living here - he knew he didn't want to bother with a long distance thing, being the sort of guy he is... perpetually single, even when he meets a girl LOCALLY that he dates, he STILL wouldn't alter his ways accommodate her. He said I have been the only girl he has wanted to contact daily and alter his ways for and he did at once stage think I was the girl that he wanted to settle down and change for.

 

Guess I wasn't enough:(

 

I wonder if he met someone who "Knocked his socks off" in a big enough way, that he would change for them and accept long distance?

 

I thought I rather knocked his socks of. It really seemed like I was different to him.

 

He was a lovely person to me - as I said, he took the week off work for me, spoilt me, bought me a beautiful birthday necklace (despite not being paid since Xmas), he told me I looked lovely every day I was with him and he has called me every night since first meeting me and seemed to get a real buzz from talking to me.... I definitely sensed that he was all in it, and he wanted it to just "work" somehow for the most part.My gut feeling and instinct/intuition... the same intuition that KNEW he was going to end things today.... does not sense that he lied to me in order to get sex for a month. So don't go there please.

 

Was I just not enough? If he met a certain woman would he absolutely do the long distance thing without hesitation?

 

Is he really just set in his ways and not the type of man who is open to long distance?????

 

Help:( My good friend has a guy who fell head over heels for her and didn't hesitate about doing long distance for her:( She is in Australia with me....

 

Maybe my guy is just a different person to my friends guy who was willing to go the distance with her?

[Rejected Rosebud]

How many guys that know they are going to move to the opposite end of the world, will willingly enter into a relationship? IF they know in a few months time that they are going to move?

Probably zero! Women either, I hope! I mean if they were already together and knew each other well and all that it's a different story but not after just meeting, no.

He always knew he had to go back to Ireland

Leigh when you met him I ASKED you if he was going back to Ireland and you told me NO he lived on the other side of AUS and that he was going to visit you every month!! I guess that got you in bed! And you even traveled to him at your own expense (yes using your miles counts) I'm glad you got explosive sex out of it anyway!

What I wish you would understand is that people need to get to know each other, you don't know him and according to your other thread he got to know you in a negative way. (You left the part about you getting sloppy drunk and alienating his friends and saying destructive stuff about him out of this thread completely, why!?!? ) None of that is how a successful LDR could start out, no way, sorry.

Edited January 20, 2015 by Rejected Rosebud

[Leigh 87]

I believe he was into me.

 

And he definitely wanted things to work. Not everyone lies.

 

Sometimes people just want things to work a and have good intentions.

 

I believe it when him and his housemate told me that he liked me more than his other girls.

 

so yeah I don't believe he lied about liking me. I do actually think he was into me.

[clia]

He may have been into you, but committing to a 3 year very long distance relationship (at minimum) is asking a lot of anyone. I think most people would not do it. I know I wouldn't. And adding to that hurdle, things didn't go that well when you were out there since you got into a fight. Unfortunately, you didn't put your best foot forward,so any misgivings he might've had about the distance were likely brought to the forefront. After you left, who knows what his friends said about you. He might've taken any criticism to heart. I think you are better off trying to meet a local guy and focusing on your schooling.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I'm not saying he wasn't "into" you Leigh but your ideas about that stuff are pretty unique to you as far as I can tell from your threads, all the things you told us here are not the things that lead to a long term relationship much less long distance. He was into you enough for you both to have a great adventure together which is what I think you enjoy best anyway!! So it's all good right?

[GemmaUK]

Just spotted this after replying to a thread of yours I saw this morning..

 

 

I thought you said he was staying in Aus?

 

 

This doesn't sound like it's going places to be honest - apart from him back to Ireland.

[organizedchaos]

How many guys that know they are going to move to the opposite end of the world, will willingly enter into a relationship? IF they know in a few months time that they are going to move? Or are there many men who would feel strongly enough about a woman for them to willingly enter into a relationship knowing full well that they were leaving the country and not able to return (visa issues)

 

Not this one. What's the point of starting a relationship like that?

[GemmaUK]

Is your RS all back on and you're both in communication now after your trip to see him?

 

 

Apologies, I must have missed posts somewhere as it seems quite a jump from a fallout to considering relocating and if he has visa issues then the visa will run out at some point anyway.

Is there a particular reason he will not be allowed back if he takes a trip home?

[Leigh 87]

He may have been into you, but committing to a 3 year very long distance relationship (at minimum) is asking a lot of anyone. I think most people would not do it. I know I wouldn't. And adding to that hurdle, things didn't go that well when you were out there since you got into a fight. Unfortunately, you didn't put your best foot forward,so any misgivings he might've had about the distance were likely brought to the forefront. After you left, who knows what his friends said about you. He might've taken any criticism to heart. I think you are better off trying to meet a local guy and focusing on your schooling.

 

We had a great time up until that last night.

 

And it wasn't that bad.

 

I think what happened with his friends and the fact he's moving back to Ireland did it.

 

And we didn't get int a fight.

[clia]

We had a great time up until that last night.

 

And it wasn't that bad.

 

I think what happened with his friends and the fact he's moving back to Ireland did it.

 

And we didn't get int a fight.

 

Oh, really? This is from your other thread you have going right now below, bolded by me:

 

My guy was understandably very upset and angry and he needed space for a few hours but then he wanted to come to bed and cuddle me and he said that he wanted to just forget about it and continue on with me as per usual. His housemate told me that she had never seen him so bothered and upset/angry before. The next day I apologised, explained that I want him to please tell his mate that I apologise and that I simply had too much to drink and that it would not happen again.

 

He was upset and angry and needed space away from you for a few hours. You apologized the next day. He might not have been yelling at you or openly "fighting" with you, but this is not a good turn of events for your very first visit to him. Whether it was a "fight" or not is probably semantics, but it was certainly not a good thing during your visit.

 

These are the types of things that can turn off a new person very quickly, because we all expect people in new relationships to be on their very best behavior. So you start thinking...well if this is the best...what is to come and do I want to deal with it? I mean, you already had a disagreement of sorts. I'm really not trying to rag on you here, but you can see that he had quite an abrupt change of tune after your visit.

[Leigh 87]

I'm not saying he wasn't "into" you Leigh but your ideas about that stuff are pretty unique to you as far as I can tell from your threads, all the things you told us here are not the things that lead to a long term relationship much less long distance. He was into you enough for you both to have a great adventure together which is what I think you enjoy best anyway!! So it's all good right?

 

He was into me in a big way and he did want a relationship to work at one stage.

 

u are not him either so. ... Some me are actually honest and mean what they say. He wanted it to last just not enough to overcome long distance.

[Leigh 87]

Oh, really? This is from your other thread you have going right now below, bolded by me:

 

 

 

He was upset and angry and needed space away from you for a few hours. You apologized the next day. He might not have been yelling at you or openly "fighting" with you, but this is not a good turn of events for your very first visit to him. Whether it was a "fight" or not is probably semantics, but it was certainly not a good thing during your visit.

 

These are the types of things that can turn off a new person very quickly, because we all expect people in new relationships to be on their very best behavior. So you start thinking...well if this is the best...what is to come and do I want to deal with it? I mean, you already had a disagreement of sorts. I'm really not trying to rag on you here, but you can see that he had quite an abrupt change of tune after your visit.

 

 

I agree but I think he would have overlooked it had we lived closer and if he wasn't lplanning to move back overseas.

[Rejected Rosebud]

He was into me in a big way and he did want a relationship to work at one stage.

I'm sorry Leigh but there was not a relationship, you literally spent no more than 6 days with this person, I think we usually call that a fling! Look I get where you are coming from, fireworks = love to you, I am not trying to talk you out of that but where it becomes a problem is when you insist that other people are like that. Almost everybody is looking for a lot more than that.

 

Why did you say that he was living in AUS permanently and would be visiting you every month? Did you just find out that wasn't the truth when you spent all your miles (and left your job??) to go visit him? I am sorry but he sounds like of like a dick, sorry!!

[Els]

he DOES NOT want to enter into a long distance relationship and, after 3 weeks of knowing me, he says it is better to hurt NOW than 5 months down the track....

 

Leigh.. I think this says everything that needs to be said, really. LDRs are hard enough when both people have both their feet in it. If one person thinks it isn't going to work and that they can't do a LDR, then it won't work.

 

Was I just not enough? If he met a certain woman would he absolutely do the long distance thing without hesitation?

 

Is he really just set in his ways and not the type of man who is open to long distance?????

 

Help:( My good friend has a guy who fell head over heels for her and didn't hesitate about doing long distance for her:( She is in Australia with me....

 

Maybe my guy is just a different person to my friends guy who was willing to go the distance with her?

This isn't about 'whether he is head over heels for you', Leigh... some people are just not cut out for LDRs. From observation, LDRs that work out require a certain personality type, usually a very patient personality who is willing to invest time and effort with minimal instant gratification. In the long distance portion of my relationship with my SO, there was a lot of sacrifice on both sides (more on his side than mine at his insistence, but still both sides) with no certainty of returns at the end.

 

And 3 years? Honestly, the only VLDRs (very long distance relationships) I know that have survived 3 years are people who are older, very mature and established in life. Part of the reason is logistics - how are you going to afford regular international flights for 3 years?

 

I'm not going to tell you whether to stay with him or not, but please do not even consider ditching your studies for this guy. Focus on your degree, is my suggestion.

[Me1986]

If you're _really_ keen, I you can overcome the visa and study issues.

 

The Australian immigration department will give him a spouse visa followed a few years later by citizenship if you can convince them it's a serious relationship. Or there might be other visas available, for example if he works in an industry that's in demand in your region of Australia, then a local business could sponsor him to migrate.

 

And you should be able to continue your degree at a university in Ireland, I know lots of people who change university in the middle of their degree and getting a student visa in another country is usually very simple.

 

I think the only real question is whether or not you both love each other enough to make that commitment. If I was you, I would talk to him and try continuing your LDR a bit longer, maybe you can go to Ireland for your next holiday since he'd have trouble getting another visa here.

Edited January 21, 2015 by Me1986

[Leigh 87]

I'm sorry Leigh but there was not a relationship, you literally spent no more than 6 days with this person, I think we usually call that a fling! Look I get where you are coming from, fireworks = love to you, I am not trying to talk you out of that but where it becomes a problem is when you insist that other people are like that. Almost everybody is looking for a lot more than that.

 

Why did you say that he was living in AUS permanently and would be visiting you every month? Did you just find out that wasn't the truth when you spent all your miles (and left your job??) to go visit him? I am sorry but he sounds like of like a dick, sorry!!

 

 

I talked to his house mate about it.

 

He had his best friends wedding in Ireland, where he is the groomsman. He has been wanting to move back to Ireland for a couple of years... That is what we had in common... we have both lived in different countries and we love travel and having different homes. I guess he missed his first home and his mother; his father died.

 

His house mate who has known him for several years even told me that he had never been this crazy about a girl before - that he did genuinely want to make a go of it.

 

She said he was a nice guy and did have the intention of seeing how things went with us.

 

Not all guys lie and pretend to be more into you than they really are in order to get sex - I have had it happen once or twice and this was different, I have intuition and my brain thanks.

 

He wanted things to work but realised he doesn't have the personality type to do long distance,

 

If he didn't care he would have continued, seen me in my state and kept it up until the end - but instead he had too many feelings, as did I, to just continue knowing full well it would end.

 

The reason why he cut off contact now was because he was into me, not because he was playing me all along or anything sociopathic.

 

U weren't there and my intuition and experience tell me he was being honest, he did tell me about his situation from the start and said he with me he felt compelled to just go with it and hope we could last the distance if it came to it.

 

It is a big thing that he even considered long distance according to his friend - as I said, before me, he had not even felt the need to text or call a girl daily. With me he changed his tune, he was legitimately into me enough to want to at least explore the possibility of long distance.

 

I feel sorry for YOU being so pessimistic about men! I know man lie, I have had it done to me, however; you weren't there and you have no clue as to whether or not the guy was simply really into me and wanted to make a go of things in spite of his precarious predicament!

 

He is deff not one to make an effort with the ladies who ARE living in close proximity to him so I know he is being genuine when he says he just doesn't have the personality to go long distance.

 

I do think he wanted to make a go of things. Reality just caught up to him and he did the right thing.

 

As I said - if he DIDN'T ever fall for me to begin with, he could have easily pushed for more and had sex with me when he came down here. He cut contact because he DID have feelings for me and knew it would hurt us both too much if we were to continue.

[Leigh 87]

At 28 and being the type of woman that I am, I have had enough experience to know if a man is pretending to be really into me in order to get sex.

 

I am not stupid I know when a guy isn't blown away by me and is only acting like he likes me " a lot".

[Leigh 87]

Anyway I truly think this guy did the right thing by going no contact.

 

I believe that as soon as he "knew" I wasn't compelling him enough to make him want to settle down and overcome the fact he wanted to go back to Ireland, he broke it off.

 

Men who instigate no contact are the ones who ARE decent and who do care enough about you in order to avoid hurting you - he could have had great sex with me and a loving face to pick him up from the airport, but he was honest and didn't want to string me along and hurt me.

 

I have dealt with liars and cold hearted men before and yeah this guy wasn't that at all. He is a nice guy, people that meet him know that.

[Leigh 87]

If you're _really_ keen, I you can overcome the visa and study issues.

 

The Australian immigration department will give him a spouse visa followed a few years later by citizenship if you can convince them it's a serious relationship. Or there might be other visas available, for example if he works in an industry that's in demand in your region of Australia, then a local business could sponsor him to migrate.

 

And you should be able to continue your degree at a university in Ireland, I know lots of people who change university in the middle of their degree and getting a student visa in another country is usually very simple.

 

I think the only real question is whether or not you both love each other enough to make that commitment. If I was you, I would talk to him and try continuing your LDR a bit longer, maybe you can go to Ireland for your next holiday since he'd have trouble getting another visa here.

 

 

I would have done it for him had we continued and I felt he was worth it! He didn't feel the same way about me, ultimately.

 

I think initially he felt like I could be a person to change for/grow up for and make long distance sacrifices for but yeah he soon realised I wasn't "it" for him enough to make him want to make the distance even an option....

[CarrieT]

Stop believing in "The One."

 

 

'Nuff said...

[Leigh 87]

Leigh.. I think this says everything that needs to be said, really. LDRs are hard enough when both people have both their feet in it. If one person thinks it isn't going to work and that they can't do a LDR, then it won't work.

 

This isn't about 'whether he is head over heels for you', Leigh... some people are just not cut out for LDRs. From observation, LDRs that work out require a certain personality type, usually a very patient personality who is willing to invest time and effort with minimal instant gratification. In the long distance portion of my relationship with my SO, there was a lot of sacrifice on both sides (more on his side than mine at his insistence, but still both sides) with no certainty of returns at the end.

 

He has been single for 8 years. He said he is not the type of person to ever consider a LDR. He said meeting me made him want to change. Even his house mate told me that he was genuinely wanting to change, to see if we could work out.

 

I think he entertained the idea of changing his personality in order to make long distance viable BUT - I either wasn't the right person and/or he really would never change, not even for the love of his life if he were to have met her whilst living here......

 

And 3 years? Honestly, the only VLDRs (very long distance relationships) I know that have survived 3 years are people who are older, very mature and established in life. Part of the reason is logistics - how are you going to afford regular international flights for 3 years?

 

I can afford one international flight per year and he can afford about two.. but he is not able to enter into Australia anyway once he leaves. It would have been very expensive indeed.

 

Aus and Ireland are on the total opposite ends of the world....

 

I'm not going to tell you whether to stay with him or not, but please do not even consider ditching your studies for this guy. Focus on your degree, is my suggestion.

 

 

I would never have ditched my studies. I would have transferred my degree to a college in Belfast or Dublin.

 

I was willing to give things a chance and to carry on long distance. He wasn't.

 

Maybe he would have with the right girl. I think all men would if they met a girl that knocked their socks off.

 

I do think he was crazy about me INITIALLY, but that was based on instant sparks and the instant attraction and his INITIAL impression of me!

 

He then realises, I think, that I wasn't "it" for him.

 

I think he felt that I COULD have been "it" and "that woman" he wanted to change his ways for... and compromise for in the name of making long distance work.

[Leigh 87]

Stop believing in "The One."

 

 

'Nuff said...

 

 

 

There are more than one "The Ones"

 

To me The One is: instant intense chemistry, the instant wonderment and wow factor, followed by great compatibility and great long term potential (mutual admiration and respect and all that jazz).

 

The One to a few people I know ended up being: intense instant chemistry + great compatibility with a best friend. A best friend who they happened to have explosive fire works with.

 

People tend to get that "feeling" of someone being "the one" when they not only feel "instantly" excited about a prospect, but they have the instant butterflies and sparks with a really suitable partner.

 

I have seen couples look back and they associate the instant intense chemistry they shared, and the fact they were a great match - THAT, to them, made them feel like that met "The One".

 

So yes "The One" is a real thing, but there are more than one of them.....

 

I think it is hard to find the instant wow factor and intense chemistry and natural sexual passion - with a great match -so when people find it you cannot really blame them for thinking wow, it may be "The One"

[Timshel]

I get it, this is a post game? Running up post numbers, right? 10,425 is a lot of posts!

[okc85]

There are more than one "The Ones"

 

To me The One is: instant intense chemistry, the instant wonderment and wow factor, followed by great compatibility and great long term potential (mutual admiration and respect and all that jazz).

 

The One to a few people I know ended up being: intense instant chemistry + great compatibility with a best friend. A best friend who they happened to have explosive fire works with.

 

People tend to get that "feeling" of someone being "the one" when they not only feel "instantly" excited about a prospect, but they have the instant butterflies and sparks with a really suitable partner.

 

I have seen couples look back and they associate the instant intense chemistry they shared, and the fact they were a great match - THAT, to them, made them feel like that met "The One".

 

So yes "The One" is a real thing, but there are more than one of them.....

 

I think it is hard to find the instant wow factor and intense chemistry and natural sexual passion - with a great match -so when people find it you cannot really blame them for thinking wow, it may be "The One"

 

 

 

Then appreciate the fact that you can feel so intensely, and move on. You don't want an LDR with this guy, you just met him and the world is such a big place, you'll find other The Ones.

 

And I might just be trying to convince myself because I basically had the exact scenario you had, except when I visited for a week, it was the best week of my life and we didn't fight at all. That made it way harder to move on, lol

[Leigh 87]

Then appreciate the fact that you can feel so intensely, and move on. You don't want an LDR with this guy, you just met him and the world is such a big place, you'll find other The Ones.

 

And I might just be trying to convince myself because I basically had the exact scenario you had, except when I visited for a week, it was the best week of my life and we didn't fight at all. That made it way harder to move on, lol

 

 

It was still hard at first for me to move on since we still had mostly blissful days and only one bad night. It was still good enough that the two of us didn't enjoy having to say goodbye... it was still unpleasant and upsetting.

 

Sorry to hear you're hurting. Thank God I am over it now, if it had been more than 3 weeks than yeah I would have been devastated (if it were to go on for months!).

 

People say my option of dating the men I have intense chemistry with fails me - I don't think so. I had a blast with this guy and I absolutely love my dating life and I enjoy it a great deal!

 

However, months down the track, I would have needed to take a week or two in order to heal. Possibly more. It would have been awful and I guess that is the perk of being single, or only newly dating - it is GREAT to not have to face devastation and heartache!

 

 

 

 

How long were you with your LDR man for?