Does Meeting The One Make Even The Longest Distance Work

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you're attaching far too much importance and expectations to a person you've known fewer than 30 days. You hardly know each other.

 

Don't over-think it. He simply wasn't into a long-distance relationship, and he's trying to let you down easily so you don't invest more. He's being honest with you that you're not on the same page in terms of the future.

 

Out of curiosity, why can't he ever return to your country once he leaves? That's unusual..

[Els]

I would never have ditched my studies. I would have transferred my degree to a college in Belfast or Dublin.

 

I was willing to give things a chance and to carry on long distance. He wasn't.

 

It's good that you realize this, and that you're going to focus on your studies. Can I ask why you are still analyzing him though? Perhaps it would be more beneficial for you to move on instead?

 

Maybe he would have with the right girl. I think all men would if they met a girl that knocked their socks off.

 

I agree that this could be a factor, as it generally takes a very strong bond for people to want to invest in a LDR. But there are also heaps of other factors that impact people's decisions to go into a LDR or not.

 

 

Out of curiosity, why can't he ever return to your country once he leaves? That's unusual..

 

That's a common condition for a Working Holiday Visa - one entry only. Not sure if the guy in the OP was on that visa though.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's good that you realize this, and that you're going to focus on your studies. Can I ask why you are still analyzing him though? Perhaps it would be more beneficial for you to move on instead?

 

 

 

I agree that this could be a factor, as it generally takes a very strong bond for people to want to invest in a LDR. But there are also heaps of other factors that impact people's decisions to go into a LDR or not.

 

 

 

That's a common condition for a Working Holiday Visa - one entry only. Not sure if the guy in the OP was on that visa though.

 

Yes, I know. I've had one myself. But it shouldn't bar entry forever after, if you have a clean passport and don't generally require an entry visa for that country. One can usually return on regular short-term holidays, etc, but not be granted another Working Holiday visa. I got the impression that he can never return. Though I could have misinterpreted what was meant in the OP!

 

In any case, was just a point of curiosity for me. He doesn't appear to be interested in taking it further anyway.

[Leigh 87]

He was sort of in here illegally.

 

He asked me if I had my heart set on college... If I was definitely going to commit to the 3 years... I Said yes. He got the message.

 

He it was wishful thinking and that for a moment he wanted it to work at all costs, but the thing with his friends put things in perspective; things with us were blissful and as soon as they weren't for half a second, he had the time to think things over.

 

It is a blessing in disguise that we had that small argument. If we didn't we would have remained on cloud 9 and possibly continued getting closer until he was due to fly back to Ireland. And then what?

 

I guess people who aren't cut out for long distance do give it a thought when they meet someone that excites them enough.

 

I hope him and I can be mates but we definitely had too intense chemistry for us to ever hang out more than a "once off" meeting type of thing every so often.

[GemmaUK]

What does 'sort of illegally' mean?

[Leigh 87]

What does 'sort of illegally' mean?

 

 

 

Some things have happened and he is not supposed to be here necessarily - once he leaves he is not able to return at all....

 

I think he overstayed his time limit or something I dunno I didn't press on about it, he asked about my college degree and said that it was really nice to finally have someone he was crazy about and that he wanted to see what could happen, and if it worked out " did I absolutely HAVE to complete the degree" he asked.

 

He can get away with staying but once he leaves he is not able to ever come back.

 

Anyway I am moving on and maybe he will end up falling harder for the right girl here and she will be worth the distance to him.

 

Just because he said that he is not the type who can do long distance and he is set in his ways and not the type to want to settle down - I am sure the right woman will change his mind:(

 

I am sure the distance wasn't the main reason he ended it.

[GemmaUK]

It's all way too fishy!

 

 

He could well be an Irish traveller.

 

 

The speed, the professing this and that.

I don't think he has a wedding to return for at all. He has been given marching orders.

I also think he made it look like he wanted you to move to Ireland.

 

 

Ludicrous and not 'real' at all.

 

 

Glad you're out of it.

[rester]

Some things have happened and he is not supposed to be here necessarily - once he leaves he is not able to return at all....

 

I think he overstayed his time limit or something I dunno I didn't press on about it, he asked about my college degree and said that it was really nice to finally have someone he was crazy about and that he wanted to see what could happen, and if it worked out " did I absolutely HAVE to complete the degree" he asked.

 

He can get away with staying but once he leaves he is not able to ever come back.

 

Anyway I am moving on and maybe he will end up falling harder for the right girl here and she will be worth the distance to him.

 

Just because he said that he is not the type who can do long distance and he is set in his ways and not the type to want to settle down - I am sure the right woman will change his mind:(

 

I am sure the distance wasn't the main reason he ended it.

 

I don't understand why you think some other woman would change his mind. Ireland to Australia is a huge distance. It'd be very rare for a guy to be into that sort of long distance relationship. You only knew him for three weeks. Plenty of people have these wild, lust-filled, "blissful" short-term things with people in foreign countries. Most realize that it has an end point and that both people will move on afterwards. It sounds like one of those situations. Maybe I glanced over it, but it doesn't sound like he gave you any indication that he'd want to continue this long-term, with you or anyone else.

 

 

I think he felt that I COULD have been "it" and "that woman" he wanted to change his ways for... and compromise for in the name of making long distance work.

 

I don't think it's anything personal towards you. I don't think he views relationships important enough to do the hard work of a long-distance relationship.

 

Based on many of your posts, it sounds like you are more interested in a long-term thing with someone but you keep getting involved with all these foreign guys. Just saying that you might be making your goals harder on yourself than they need to be.

 

 

Maybe he would have with the right girl. I think all men would if they met a girl that knocked their socks off.

 

 

Women and men knock each other's socks off all the time. Doesn't mean they want to pursue things long-term or long-distance. You could have very well been the "one" if you both were local to each other. Not every man is so interested in a long-term love affair that they'd get involved with someone across continents. I'd say that would be very rare. Distance is a huge deal-breaker for people, regardless of how much they are into each other.

 

 

I would never have ditched my studies. I would have transferred my degree to a college in Belfast or Dublin.

 

How soon do you honestly think you would have moved countries for this guy that you only knew for three weeks? Is this something you could see yourself doing in a month or two or six, or would you have waited a year or two to make that decision?

 

You say otherwise, but it does sound like you got yourself way more invested in this guy than maybe you should have. Moving countries for a man is a serious thing to do and not something to take lightly.

[Leigh 87]

It's all way too fishy!

 

 

He could well be an Irish traveller.

 

 

The speed, the professing this and that.

I don't think he has a wedding to return for at all. He has been given marching orders.

I also think he made it look like he wanted you to move to Ireland.

 

 

Ludicrous and not 'real' at all.

 

 

Glad you're out of it.

 

he had a job.

 

I think he was really into me and wanted to give the relationship thing a go.

 

He was a nice guy.

[Sqeeze]

Hi leigh87. After reading some of your threads and posts I have to ask. Have you ever been to or considered seeing a psychologist? I don't mean to be mean but you are delusional.

[Leigh 87]

Hi leigh87. After reading some of your threads and posts I have to ask. Have you ever been to or considered seeing a psychologist? I don't mean to be mean but you are delusional.

 

 

I am an attractive enough woman to have men that are really into me and who get caught up in the moment due to their attraction towards me.

 

I choose to believe that he really liked me a lot and wasn't lying about it in order to get sex.

 

Some men aren't liars and they simple change their mind about a woman who they were initially, really into.

[TMichaels]

Some men aren't liars and they simple change their mind about a woman who they were initially, really into.

 

True. So now you've figured that out, get a grip and get on with your life with someone else.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[okc85]

I am an attractive enough woman to have men that are really into me and who get caught up in the moment due to their attraction towards me.

 

I choose to believe that he really liked me a lot and wasn't lying about it in order to get sex.

 

Some men aren't liars and they simple change their mind about a woman who they were initially, really into.

 

 

 

He was into you. He's not into an LDR. It isn't about you. Most people need physical love (cuddling, sex, etc) and even if he felt you were 'the one' (of many) it isn't enough. We are social creatures and LDRs are TOUGH.

 

Sit online on a Saturday night, skypeing...or getting out there and meeting people?

 

Cuddling on the sofa with someone...or exchanging whatsapp messages?

 

I don't think it means he was never into you just because an LDR sounds horrible to him. It's his personal choice and you just need to accept it and not really give this guy more space in your brain.

[Leigh 87]

It is all good I didn't contact him again ever since he ended things.

 

Yesterday I finally took off the necklace he bought me; he got me an expensive necklace for my birthday, 2 weeks after first meeting me. He put it on me, and yeah..I hadn't taken it off once until last night.

 

I got a text from him yesterday.. " I hope we can be friends xx "

 

I said ' I'd love that".

 

He said " good x"

 

I don't intend on texting him again unless he reaches out and wants to chat. I am still slightly hurting and have too many questions that I know I would blurt out if he were to call me. It is best to burry them and to avoid talking to the dumper initially. Writing a letter to yourself is always the best thing for me, as I know when it is over, it is OVER; and there is NO need to re hash things or ask for closure. The fact they don't want to be with you is all the closure I need.

 

When he ended things, he stressed that

 

" you're not the kind of girl I want to keep sleeping with and all that jazz due to our history - it would hurt (us both) due to our history. we tried for a relationship and it didn't work.. I am not keen on trying for anything in between... Like texting and calling daily with the promise of sex when I am visiting your town, when we both know full well it just isn't going to last long term. Causal won't work with us I am afraid"

 

I mean, we weren't together for a long enough period of time in order for too many "feelings" to be involved to the point where we simply cannot be friends, without any sex involved. He is a funny guy and I really liked his personality. Some people I meet, I have them on facebook but then I don't feel I am ever going to hang out with them again so I delete them if they don't serve a purpose in my life. Irish guy is deff someone I will always remember - I love the fact we took a chance, I flew over after such a short time, we had a wonderful time until the last day, but then yeah he realised how ridiculous whirlwind romances are.

 

We can both look back and say " cool, yeah, I had a whirlwind romance once, it was fun'' (but predictably, didn't work out)

 

For me, taking risks makes me feel alive. In life it is not always fun to just be straight and play it safe 100% of the time. For some people, it pays off; the long distance traveller meets the absolute love of his life and changes for her and makes it work no matter what! I sort of knew I wouldn't likely be the exception - I just sensed he was not even relationship orientated.. much less willing to do long distance, even for a girl he was really into! I am definitely happy that he wants to remain friends - we are both travellers and so I have a gut feeling that we will meet again someplace one day and be able to laugh and enjoy each others company as friends. .

 

When things ended with another guy who I had intense chemistry with - the guy turned out to be an absolute @sshole of a person! So when I met up with him later on, I thought.. you know what, I am NOT attracted to this man! I lost all the "chemistry" I felt for him because he was didn't like or respect me and yet he still came back for "fun" after disappearing twice and pretending he wanted a relationship just in order to get sex:sick:Where as Irish guy seems like a really nice guy! He was a real gentlemen to me during my stay. However, I have learnt that yes, you can have chemistry with a man, but it doesn't mean you have to jump him or try to make something out of it. I will always feel chemistry with Irish guy but then again, even when you're in relationships (happy ones) you can still feel "chemistry" with all sorts of people!

 

I saw a therapist two nights ago and she told me that: those people you have chemistry with, you still meet those people irrespective of whether you're in a relationship or not. It is just chemistry. It was his personality that I fell for on that rain and not his looks (although he was cute enough to generate a spark, it was his personality that won me over).

 

Glad he wants to be friends.

[Leigh 87]

He was into you. He's not into an LDR. It isn't about you. Most people need physical love (cuddling, sex, etc) and even if he felt you were 'the one' (of many) it isn't enough. We are social creatures and LDRs are TOUGH.

 

Sit online on a Saturday night, skypeing...or getting out there and meeting people?

 

Cuddling on the sofa with someone...or exchanging whatsapp messages?

 

I don't think it means he was never into you just because an LDR sounds horrible to him. It's his personal choice and you just need to accept it and not really give this guy more space in your brain.

 

 

Yes he never wanted anything serious all along during his stay here - he was open to casual dating where it wouldn't lead to anything.

 

With me he didn't want "casual" since we both triggered strong "feelings".

 

Me (and his housemate) really believed that he meant it when he said that he wanted to change for me and give a proper relationship a go - that is what he said he wanted.

 

I think the guy tried for a relationship and it failed; I just don't get the feeling that he outright lied at all.

[okc85]

Well as I mentioned, I had a whirlwind romance too, and it was the best romance of my life so far, so I know how you feel.

 

I have moved on, mostly, because we went no contact. 100 percent no contact. It's sad but the only true way for your brain to cope. So I hope you stick with no contact until you've fully moved on.

 

I mean, isn't it great that we got to experience this type of love, really. Some people don't, ever. We just gotta be thankful for our experiences, even if they didn't last as long as we hoped they would. sigh. lol

[lovexocoach]

Sounds to me like you were in the infatuation stage with each other based on the short time you were together.

 

 

He might have been "The One" but relationships need time to grow and mature and you need to spend time with each other to see if you're truly compatible.

 

 

Having chemistry doesn't mean that you're compatible.

 

 

Long distance relationships are HARD to make work. Even harder when the distance is overseas. You need personal interaction to get to know someone - and that only comes with being together.

 

 

Had you been able to spend more time with him you might have learned that he wasn't relationship material.

 

 

I think you're wise to move on.

[Leigh 87]

Well as I mentioned, I had a whirlwind romance too, and it was the best romance of my life so far, so I know how you feel.

 

I have moved on, mostly, because we went no contact. 100 percent no contact. It's sad but the only true way for your brain to cope. So I hope you stick with no contact until you've fully moved on.

 

I mean, isn't it great that we got to experience this type of love, really. Some people don't, ever. We just gotta be thankful for our experiences, even if they didn't last as long as we hoped they would. sigh. lol

 

 

It wasn't love. Boy am I glad it happened! That is living (to me).

 

We gave each other natural "high" feelings that were very strong.

 

We both made a big impact on one another within a short span of time.

 

That isn't love. That is just meeting someone who you "feel" a lot for effortlessly, through just meeting them once. Not love at all.

 

Besides, my fireworks are usually felt with unavailable people.

 

He was not relationship orientated (he wants kids one day but for the time being he is too set in his ways and just not looking to settle down). I think the fire works I felt were largely based on the fact he was NOT relationship orientated and he only wanted fun when he first met me but the fact he changed and told me that he wanted to make the time for me to see if a relationship could work..

 

Taming a non available guy seemed thrilling and I think that is where the fireworks came from. Fireworks usually happen over a few dates time - you have instant attraction and chemistry, and then the fire works come after you spend a few dates together.

 

I am weary of instant fire works now - unless you are both drunk or something. I think there almost always has to be an element of "unavailability" oozing from one/or both of their pores...to create those insane fire works.

 

It wasn't in love but at the time we both thought it was....

 

The level of " feelings" hit us harder and felt stronger than our long term relationships did - but then again, neither of us have had long term relationships with the people we had instant sparks for...

 

It cannot be love when he bails at the first obstacle we have - that isn't love.

 

If he were truly in love - he would have carried on a long distance relationship.

[Leigh 87]

Sounds to me like you were in the infatuation stage with each other based on the short time you were together.

 

 

He might have been "The One" but relationships need time to grow and mature and you need to spend time with each other to see if you're truly compatible.

 

 

Having chemistry doesn't mean that you're compatible.

 

 

Long distance relationships are HARD to make work. Even harder when the distance is overseas. You need personal interaction to get to know someone - and that only comes with being together.

 

 

Had you been able to spend more time with him you might have learned that he wasn't relationship material.

 

 

I think you're wise to move on.

 

 

We are pretty much in no contact, he just texted last night to say he hopes we can be friends.

 

He doesn't intend to be friends in the traditional sense - chatting away often, on a regular basis..

 

I think what he meant was... I had an impact on his life and I am a person he wants to talk to again one day, have a laugh and just have me in his life still in a small way.

 

He also knows I am very understanding and kind - he knows he can count on me if he ever has a bad day and needs a word of encouragement.

 

He also thinks I am funny and he loves to laugh.

 

I think he was more inferring to travelling buddies - when we are travelling one day we can meet up and share some laughs sort of thing.

 

And occasionally give me a call.

 

Yeah he doesn't want an every day "mate".

 

I am glad he had the decency to rule out sex because he doesn't want to hurt me or lead me on.

[GemmaUK]

he had a job.

 

I think he was really into me and wanted to give the relationship thing a go.

 

He was a nice guy.

 

 

So he was an illegal immigrant, working illegally.

 

 

He also knew before he met you and while he was saying all this 'make it work' from the second day you met him that he was in the country illegally and working illegally.

He also knew that he will have to go back to Ireland and would never be able to return to Aus.

 

 

None of that adds up at all.

 

 

I wonder why his friend is so involved also.

It sounds to me like he is looking for a marriage certificate to stay in Aus/be allowed back in.

I think at some point he twigged you would not be up for marriage so had to say something else (eg. come to Ireland/are you serious about your studies) as he didn't know what to say at that point.

Things like records of you visiting for a week and him travelling often to the area where you live are all 'back up' of an ongoing relationship and things that the authorities would absolutely look into.

 

 

I think he is essentially looking for a visa, fun along the way until he finds out if a woman will marry him is a bonus but not something to waste time upon.

[acrosstheuniverse]

This is just crazy. Most people who date someone for a week in person move on and see it for the bit of fun that it was. They don't make thread after thread after thread dissecting it for zillions of pages every time they meet someone new they get butterflies with and with whom it doesn't work out. Leigh, have you ever had any professional support? I just can't get my head around your exploits, you seem like you're either delusional or making stuff up.

 

Very few people in their right mind would embark upon a long distance relationship of Ireland/Australia knowing that they can't even re-enter the country their girlfriend is in, and that she can't move for at least three years. I would question the sanity inherent in that. This guy made the right call. Sounds like he said all of the right things to get you into bed for a week, based on what you report he said in your previous threads. Be more vigilant in future! If you just chase butterflies all the time you will end up hurt.

[Leigh 87]

This is just crazy. Most people who date someone for a week in person move on and see it for the bit of fun that it was. They don't make thread after thread after thread dissecting it for zillions of pages every time they meet someone new they get butterflies with and with whom it doesn't work out. Leigh, have you ever had any professional support? I just can't get my head around your exploits, you seem like you're either delusional or making stuff up.

 

Very few people in their right mind would embark upon a long distance relationship of Ireland/Australia knowing that they can't even re-enter the country their girlfriend is in, and that she can't move for at least three years. I would question the sanity inherent in that. This guy made the right call. Sounds like he said all of the right things to get you into bed for a week, based on what you report he said in your previous threads. Be more vigilant in future! If you just chase butterflies all the time you will end up hurt.

 

 

 

I don't believe he purely wanted me for sex. I think he was really into me and at the time, felt we could just make it work.

 

I have been with players before. Irish guy seemed like a nice guy and my gut instinct is not telling me that he lied in order to get me into bed. He took a week off work and pretty much lost his job in order to spend his days with me when I was there and he got me an expensive necklace for my birthday a mere two weeks after meeting. He offered to pay for my flight only I had flyer miles to spare from my extensive travels.

 

I honestly don't believe he purely saw me as a girl he wanted to get into bed.

 

He told me in the end that he thinks he was " wishful thinking" and that he did think it could work, and he is glad the small fight happened on the last day or so, since when things weren't blissful, he could have a chance to think about what was best for our futures.

 

He did ask me a few times whether or not I "really needed to" study the degree. He seemed serious when he was thinking of a possible fledging relationship with me.

 

He doesn't seem like the type who would make things up for sex, he seems blunt, very honest and not one to mince his words or lie to a girl.

[Leigh 87]

My thing is: maybe even if a man is NOT relationship minded and is RARELY crazy about a girl - that there will always be that one girl who will melt his heart and make him move mountains in order to be with her - INCLUDING a very long distance relationship - and EVEN when he is NOT the type of guy who would EVER want to embark on long distance.

 

I wondered " well, there is that one in a million woman who would get him to totally change who he is in order to be with her; he was really into me compared to the other girls he had met until this stage, I am sure of that.. but I just wasn't "that" girl"

 

That is what my thread is about - not this guy, but how many men who were so set in their ways and averse to starting a relationship in the country they know they are leaving?

 

But yeah this guy is the type who hasn't had a girl he has been crazy about since age 22 with his long term ex - he is set in his ways and just not a guy who is relationship orientated. That was part of the thrill; I genuinely believed he had a flash/ a flip switched briefly where he WANTED to change because he was so excited about me/infatuated. He told me he had not felt this way before "instantly" upon just meeting a girl. Even his long term friend ( a woman who has known him for ten years) told me that he had never called or texted a girl daily before he met me, and that I was definitely getting the "special treatment" and he was certainly open to a relationship/ etc...I liked that even men like him can have a soft side and will at least consider a relationship with a girl he is crazy enough about. I just wasn't that girl for him, although I DO believe he WAS really into me initially, until that last fateful night together.

 

I don't believe he was lying about anything he said or did. I do not think he told his friend what to say to me, or told his male friends that " hey, I am going to introduce her as my girlfriend, but it is just a trick so she will come and have sex with me for a week". I don't think he orchestrated the entire thing.

Edited January 26, 2015 by Leigh 87

[Leigh 87]

So he was an illegal immigrant, working illegally.

 

 

He also knew before he met you and while he was saying all this 'make it work' from the second day you met him that he was in the country illegally and working illegally.

He also knew that he will have to go back to Ireland and would never be able to return to Aus.

 

 

None of that adds up at all.

 

 

I wonder why his friend is so involved also.

It sounds to me like he is looking for a marriage certificate to stay in Aus/be allowed back in.

I think at some point he twigged you would not be up for marriage so had to say something else (eg. come to Ireland/are you serious about your studies) as he didn't know what to say at that point.

Things like records of you visiting for a week and him travelling often to the area where you live are all 'back up' of an ongoing relationship and things that the authorities would absolutely look into.

 

 

I think he is essentially looking for a visa, fun along the way until he finds out if a woman will marry him is a bonus but not something to waste time upon.

 

 

 

He didn't want to stay here. He has wanted to move back to Ireland for years. His mother is there. His father died.

 

Look, I don't believe he is a bad guy or a liar.

 

I think it is more likely that he was just really into me and wanted to forget about his circumstances and see if it could somehow just "work".

 

His room mate didn't say much at all, only as I have highlighted. She mentioned that I was getting special treatment as he is not one to call and text a girl daily, not the other girls he dated on his travels.

 

She didn't go into any detail besides from commenting that "this is different" for him, as he wasn't crazy about his exes and saw them as "fun" and not serious relationship prospects.

 

Sorry but I don't believe he orchestrated the entire thing at all.

 

I am thin and attractive enough for it to be pretty believable that hey, the guy was just really into me and wanted to see if we could make it worth the long distance.

 

I have been with men who have feigned interest in me and this just wasn't a charade.

[Leigh 87]

It is sort of insulting when people try to convince me that hey, he was never that into you and he just purely wanted sex form the get go.

 

I don't think it is that far fetched they maybe a guy was just really into me and then changed his mind once he got to know me/or it was the long distance thing that he decided was a deal breaker.

 

I think people assume the worst out of people.

 

I always avoid players these days, I have picked a few smooth talkers up that I have NOT written about - men who ask for my number and pretend to want more than just sex, when I can just SENSE they are players....

 

I think I am at a stage in my dating life where I can tell if a man sees me as relationship material or sex material.