mpass41 Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Hey everybody, brand new here, hoping for some help and guidance after the bomb finally dropped yesterday. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Story My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years now. Not without our troubles, but for the most part, happy. Back in September I got involved with a coworker. He's married for close to 9 years now, and they have a beautiful baby girl who's about 2. After a couple of weeks working together and a bunch of Facebook messages sent, we found ourselves involved with each other. It never got really physical. We never kissed. We never had sex. Just a month of quickly meeting in an empty hallway to run our hands all over each other. The majority of the affair took place online after we stopped working together--talking about what we wanted to do to each other, sending dirty pictures, that kind of thing. Yesterday my boyfriend told me that he knew. He'd gotten onto my Facebook account and saw messages that I hadn't deleted yet. He tried to contact the married guy, but when he didn't get a response, he contacted the married guy's wife. Obviously the affair is now over. I sent married guy a final message last night apologizing over and over for doing this to him. I told him that it would be my final contact and that I'd disappear. He responded, saying that it was his fault since he was the married one, he'd jeopardized the greatest thing he's ever done, and that he hopes he doesn't lose his family. I haven't sent him anything since. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You guys, I'm an absolute wreck. This was uncharted territory for me, as it was for him, and I'm terrified that I've ruined the marriage of a genuinely good person and taken his daughter away from him. I tried to end it once, to just be friends because that's all I really wanted from him, but I wasn't strong enough to stick to my guns. Help me. What do I do? Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Are you quitting the job? Can you do counseling to find out why you did this by participating the way you did? Are you willing to never communicate with him again? What about your BF? How do you feel about that relationship? What does your BF say now? Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Hey everybody, brand new here, hoping for some help and guidance after the bomb finally dropped yesterday. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Story My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years now. Not without our troubles, but for the most part, happy. Back in September I got involved with a coworker. He's married for close to 9 years now, and they have a beautiful baby girl who's about 2. After a couple of weeks working together and a bunch of Facebook messages sent, we found ourselves involved with each other. It never got really physical. We never kissed. We never had sex. Just a month of quickly meeting in an empty hallway to run our hands all over each other. The majority of the affair took place online after we stopped working together--talking about what we wanted to do to each other, sending dirty pictures, that kind of thing. Yesterday my boyfriend told me that he knew. He'd gotten onto my Facebook account and saw messages that I hadn't deleted yet. He tried to contact the married guy, but when he didn't get a response, he contacted the married guy's wife. Obviously the affair is now over. I sent married guy a final message last night apologizing over and over for doing this to him. I told him that it would be my final contact and that I'd disappear. He responded, saying that it was his fault since he was the married one, he'd jeopardized the greatest thing he's ever done, and that he hopes he doesn't lose his family. I haven't sent him anything since. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You guys, I'm an absolute wreck. This was uncharted territory for me, as it was for him, and I'm terrified that I've ruined the marriage of a genuinely good person and taken his daughter away from him. I tried to end it once, to just be friends because that's all I really wanted from him, but I wasn't strong enough to stick to my guns. Help me. What do I do? The only thing you can do for them is stay away. There is a lot however you can do for yourself. Use this to take a real look at yourself and your relationship. Are you who you want to be and is this relationship where you want to be? Learn what you can and move forward. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
7andcounting Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Mpass ~ I am really sorry. I don't know what to say other then that. Your not at fault. The ownership can be shared equally, but the reality is the possibility of him losing his marriage is 100% on him. Don't make yourself feel the pain of his actions. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I'm troubled that you seem more put out for the MM then for your boyfriend. That in itself is very telling yet another topic. Your fault is only in what damage you've done to your relationship, he is responsible for risking his marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Hi, mpass, and welcome to the forum. I'm sorry for what you're going through. What concerns me most is your over-arching concern for him! What about the boyfriend you betrayed? Please focus your energy and worry on your partner. Give him what he needs. The truth? Lots of talk? Space? Moving out entirely? Your MM can face his own consequences. You didn't force him at gunpoint into an affair. You did the right thing by assuring him you won't contact him again. Think about what you will do if his W calls you. While you aren't obligated to speak to her, be honest if you do. Don't cover for her WH. Link to post Share on other sites
Broom Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 You didn't ruin anything. He did. Don't feel sorry for his choices, for you didn't make him do any of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I think you do need to own some blame in it - you knew he was married. Yes, he acted, but so did you. Take a good long look at yourself. Ask yourself if you like who you are? Ask yourself why you didn't put the brakes on when the MM made advances at you? Ask yourself was it worth the sh itty feeling you are feeling now knowing that you did have a part in perhaps destroying his marriage, life and family...b/c you did. You sent inappropriate pictures. You fondled him. You crossed a line, too. Yes, he did it and will pay the price...but you are not blameless in my book. Leave his family alone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mpass41 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 Are you quitting the job? Can you do counseling to find out why you did this by participating the way you did? Are you willing to never communicate with him again? What about your BF? How do you feel about that relationship? What does your BF say now? Beach- MM and I both work in theatre, so we only ever work together on a show-by-show basis. He only did one production with the company I work for back in the fall, so it's not like I see him every day. I am currently looking into counseling options. It's a little tricky in this state because I'm still on my parents' insurance, which is out-of-state. But I am determined. I am willing to not have any contact with him that is not in a strictly professional manner, if we ever work together again. Because of the unique nature of our industry, avoiding him permanently would require moving out of this city and establishing myself elsewhere, which is not a financial option right now. BF and I have had many long (and productive) conversations since yesterday. We still very much love each other--more importantly, I still very much love him--and it's a matter of figuring out where we go from here. One thing he said to me yesterday that really struck a chord was, "I wish you would let me love you," and I have been trying to explore on my own how exactly I haven't been letting him do that. I hope to explore this more in counseling. What does he say now? That he's really hurt. And really scared. And he absolutely should be--I screwed up. Bad. Most girls' reactions to beginning to talk with their boyfriends about marriage and kids is not to panic and start messing around with the types of guys they used to date. Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I agree with most of the posters here. The guy made his own choices and must live with them. This does give you a chance to work on your own relationship. Maybe deep down you don't want to be with your boyfriend. You didn't mention if you had children, but if not you are in a good place if you don't want to carry on with the relationship. You have said you love your boyfriend. But there is love and there is love. Start asking yourself serious questions regarding this relationship. Keep talking to him. The affair has given you a good chance to re-evaluate, make the most of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Hi welcome to the forum. You need to read "What a wayward spouse needs to know" on LS Follow it. If you can't do everything it says for your poor boyfriend right now, ease his pain in the long run and cut him loose. I'd be ready for him to have a Revenge Affair. Then you'll know a bit closer to how he's feeling when it happens to you. Already you're not behaving like you need to for his recovery by, it seems, caring more about your AP and the crap he decided to do to his wife and child. His problem. The only thing you can do 4 your AP is NC in all areas, at all times for the rest of your life. The 1st contact means to everyone that you've resumed your affair. Simple as that. I posted another thing on a newish post which may help you in the future. In a nutshell, a person is MARRIED UNTIL THEY'RE DIVORCED. Getting involved with married people is like swimming with crocodiles. It's dangerous. Exciting at first? Go sky diving for excitement. It's far safer. Lion Heart Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 It looks like everyone involved is going to get a good re-evaluation on life. You got all the closure you need, you messaged him he messaged you back. The end. Perhaps forgiveness would be had if he can convince his wife he didn't actually have sex/intercourse with you. What has the biggest thing you have come away with or learned from all this? Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 The good thing here if there is one is that if you are being truthful this has been about 95% online with a little groping. Don't get me wrong , I am not congratulating you. I agree the thing thst seems to be foremost in your post is that you have screwed up your MM life. It's OK to not be proud of that but how about the first thing being how are you going to earn your boyfriends trust back. That is not going to happen overnight. Have you offered on your own total transparency. ?? Asked him what he needs from you? It looks like you have been given the gift here if a chance of R. Make sure you do not blow it. If I was your boyfriend , any marriage talk would be shelved for quite some time Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Beach- MM and I both work in theatre, so we only ever work together on a show-by-show basis. He only did one production with the company I work for back in the fall, so it's not like I see him every day. I am currently looking into counseling options. It's a little tricky in this state because I'm still on my parents' insurance, which is out-of-state. But I am determined. I am willing to not have any contact with him that is not in a strictly professional manner, if we ever work together again. Because of the unique nature of our industry, avoiding him permanently would require moving out of this city and establishing myself elsewhere, which is not a financial option right now. BF and I have had many long (and productive) conversations since yesterday. We still very much love each other--more importantly, I still very much love him--and it's a matter of figuring out where we go from here. One thing he said to me yesterday that really struck a chord was, "I wish you would let me love you," and I have been trying to explore on my own how exactly I haven't been letting him do that. I hope to explore this more in counseling. What does he say now? That he's really hurt. And really scared. And he absolutely should be--I screwed up. Bad. Most girls' reactions to beginning to talk with their boyfriends about marriage and kids is not to panic and start messing around with the types of guys they used to date. In reading your posts it seems to me that your BF is simply something on your list of things to do. It really sounds like your taking him for granted as through he will always be there no matter what so you continue to place things ahead of him. More importantly I think he is veiwing you as "difficult" he comment about you allowing him to love you suggests that he may be reaching his limits in this relationship even before he found out about your affair. Also, you have no true idea what he is feeling because he doesn't know yet. Honestly speaking your focus needs to be almost 100% on your boyfriend if this is a relationship you want (which it doesn't really seem you do). There is going to be rage, and anger to come, your words will be worthless. On a positive note he is open with you, pay close attention to this and watch for him disengaging. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 You sound young. I don't really care how any of the adults in this situation are affected. All of you can get perspective on things and take care of your selves. What concerns me is there is a toddler, just a baby, involved and you do not seem to have any familiarity with how you have, or could have, affected that child. You obviously have no concept how vulnerable a 2 year old is and how much that child needs her mother to be strong and capable right now, especially for the development of the baby into a healthy adult. Your thoughtlessness and actions likely have caused her to be distraught, which affects how well she can mother her baby. If you want my advice I say grow up and get a conscience. Women who place babies and children in harms way are NOT WOMEN. You are an immature little girl who needs to stop stealing a man's attentions away from his baby and his baby's mother. Why don't you chew on that for a while? Then maybe you can redirect your self. If you don't understand what I am saying, or you are offended by what I have said, ASK YOUR MOTHER what I mean. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 What does he say now? That he's really hurt. And really scared. And he absolutely should be--I screwed up. Bad. Most girls' reactions to beginning to talk with their boyfriends about marriage and kids is not to panic and start messing around with the types of guys they used to date. This is what you two need to discuss. He obviously wants to settle down and get married, you seem not so ready. Maybe he isn't the one. Or maybe something is holding you back.. Either way finding a good therapist to talk to will help you figure it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 MM and his wife will stay together and you and your BF will probably stay together so don't worry. Link to post Share on other sites
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