Should I wait?

[PusherLove86]

I'll try and keep this as short as possible. I met an amazing, gorgeous girl on a cruise almost 2 years ago. I live in New Jersey and she lives in Chicago. I had gotten out of a 5 year relationship 2 months prior to meeting her but we instantly had a connection and although I was still trying to move past my break up I was falling for this girl. We tried long distance and made it work till about November of 2013, things started falling apart then and in January of last year we called it off which devastated me. I had made my fair share of mistakes and the distance just eventually caught up with us. Eventually she contacted me in February of last year and told me she missed me so I flew there the next week to have dinner with her and try and work things out. We did and in May she tried making the move to New Jersey. She was homesick though and we hadn't resolved other issues before her moving here and in June she decided to go back home. We didn't know if we would end things at first because we still loved each other but eventually we did and over the summer she met someone else and it killed me. They became 'official' in August and its been that way since then. At first it really seemed like I had lost her and eventually I began dating again and met some amazing women but I just knew I wasn't over her and didn't feel that connection with them as I had with her. Around late November we started talking a bit more. Then last month we began talking quite a lot. The time apart had healed some wounds and our conversations were light hearted and full of laughs as they used to be. It seemed the connection hadn't gone out even considering all we had been through. We acknowledged that we both missed each other and that we both didn't really have closure but had just accepted the situation. Her new relationship also started to suffer during this time and I could tell she didn't love this guy. Then this past weekend I just so happened to be traveling to Chicago for a short business trip with a new job and told her I would like to see her but understood if she couldn't. She was very excited and agreed to see me. It was amazing to be in each others presence again but just like I didn't know how I would feel I was terrified that maybe seeing me would confirm to her that she made the right decision by being in a relationship with this new guy. Well...it didn't lol which is both good and bad. She cried to me and told me how its just so sad that we always have so much working against us. A few times she also almost went in to kiss me but we knew we couldn't do that to be fair to everyone. After I left the next day she cried to me again and said she was very confused as to what to do now but that she'll always love me. She also told me she isn't in love with her new boyfriend and that he asked to talk to her last night because he felt there was issues between them and that she's been weird lately. Now I'm sitting here this morning waiting to hear from her and I'm stressing more than I have in a long time because all those feelings resurfaced and I am nervous they will work things out and I'm out in the dust again. What do I do? Do I wait? I love her and want nothing more than to be with her but I know at the same time I shouldn't sit and wait because I deserve to be happy as well. I just want to be happy with her Any advice ladies? And gentlemen I suppose if you were in a similar situation.

[WonderWoman911]

Basically what I would do in a 'nut shell' is love her from a distance. She has one hand tied to you and the other tied to that guy. She needs to figure out who she wants to be with because it's not fair on your behalf to be sitting around waiting and waiting and waiting. See things for how they really are and not how you want them to be. Yeah she's a sweet woman, lovable, etc., but she has to get things ironed out on her end. She says that she's not "in love with him", but I'm sure she loves him. That's still major too.Then think about if the two of you started dating, does she or will she have that guy completely out of her system. You don't want it to be that,in the relationship things start to hit rock bottom and there she goes, crawling back to him for a shoulder to cry on. She said she's confused. So let her figure her life out, but don't waste months and months on sitting around.

[PusherLove86]

Thanks for the advice and you're right she did say she loves him as a person which definitely is major. And yeah I also would want him to be out of her system. She says everything's better with me but it's just the distance. Which sucks because we both love each other but yeah I'm definitely going to keep my distance and I'll see how it plays out but keep my options open. Thanks again!

[Legolas37]

Kinda reminds me of The Great Gatsby. You're Gatsby and he's Tom.

[Standard-Fare]

Regardless of what happens with this other guy, it seems like she wouldn't be willing to move to NJ again because of the failure of that one short-lived attempt in the past. Which means you guys would still be dealing with a long-distance relationship, which you have both identified doesn't really work.

 

I guess the question is, if she does end up being single, do you love her enough to consider rerooting your own life and moving to Chicago? I realize that's more of a long-term/big-picture question than the dynamics you're dealing with right now, but I think if your answer is firmly "no," then you might not want to mess with this at all.

[PusherLove86]

Lol yeah I can see that but funny part is my name is Tom. Although I think people would say I'm more like Gatsby in general and I listen to a song from that soundtrack all the time that makes me think of her lol so good call.

[PusherLove86]

The moving part did come up and she said it was more because she was having trouble finding a job and she says she'd still rather move here but I've told her many times I would definitely make the move there. I'm willing to do anything I can to be with her.

[oldshirt]

I heard New Jersey has women it in it. I suggest meeting and developing a relationship with one of those.

[PusherLove86]

Thanks...I'm aware of that and have done so in the past for 5 years actually. You can't control who you fall in love with tho and you clearly have no clue about long distance relationships so why bother with a comment that brought nothing to the table? Thanks again!

[WonderWoman911]

Thanks for the advice and you're right she did say she loves him as a person which definitely is major. And yeah I also would want him to be out of her system. She says everything's better with me but it's just the distance. Which sucks because we both love each other but yeah I'm definitely going to keep my distance and I'll see how it plays out but keep my options open. Thanks again!

 

You're definitely welcome.Just be smart about everything.

[Standard-Fare]

It sounds like you're going to keep pining after her and caring about her for a long time, regardless of what happens.

 

So I think you should be like "You know I still have feelings for you. You need to let me know when your situation changes." And then I guess all you can do is be patient and wait to see if that does actually happen.

 

It doesn't mean you have to stop living in the meantime. You should focus on your own life and your own goals. You should even continue dating. There's no guarantees here and you know that.

[PusherLove86]

It sounds like you're going to keep pining after her and caring about her for a long time, regardless of what happens.

 

So I think you should be like "You know I still have feelings for you. You need to let me know when your situation changes." And then I guess all you can do is be patient and wait to see if that does actually happen.

 

It doesn't mean you have to stop living in the meantime. You should focus on your own life and your own goals. You should even continue dating. There's no guarantees here and you know that.

 

She told me she's confused now and I know she cares for the new guy but I also have a strong feeling that's gonna end sooner than later and we both made it very clear that if we both are single again we are gonna give it another shot. But yes you're right I am still living my life and do plan on dating still, I just know where my heart truly lies right now and that's with her.

[StrongLass]

Thanks...I'm aware of that and have done so in the past for 5 years actually. You can't control who you fall in love with tho and you clearly have no clue about long distance relationships so why bother with a comment that brought nothing to the table? Thanks again!

 

I have experience w/ LDRs and thought old shirt's comment was humorous, why did you choose to be b*tchy about it? This is an open forum so if you aren't prepared for all kinds of feedback why post in the first place? Plus you not finding the joke funny doesn't = him having no clue about LDRs, that's just a straw man you set up to devalue his true point that you might be making your love life harder than it has to be.

 

That being said, don't tie anyone else up while your pining after this one "confused" woman. Go after her & if things don't work out then wallow in your sorrow ALONE & THEN move on once you're fully over her.

 

Good luck!

Edited January 25, 2015 by StrongLass

[PusherLove86]

I have experience w/ LDRs and thought old shirt's comment was humorous, why did you choose to be b*tchy about it? This is an open forum so if you aren't prepared for all kinds of feedback why post in the first place? Plus you not finding the joke funny doesn't = him having no clue about LDRs, that's just a straw man you set up to devalue his true point that you might be making your love life harder than it has to be.

 

That being said, don't tie anyone else up while your pining after this one "confused" woman. Go after her & if things don't work out then wallow in your sorrow ALONE & THEN move on once you're fully over her.

 

Good luck!

 

I'm not tying anyone up nor wallowing in sorrow but I know what you're saying. As far as for my other friend up there that you defended I think you're both missing the point that I didn't wake up and think 'hm let me make things harder for myself and date someone halfway across the country', trust me I'd much rather have the person I'm with be right here in NJ it just didn't work out that way this time. You gave a valid, thought out opinion, they wasted time with 2 sentences lol. I didn't know it was a joke, didn't find it funny, but yes I was prepared I mean hey its the Internet but just like they can say that, I can react 'b*itchy'. But again thanks for your opinion, I think I'm all figured out here now and decided instead of sitting around waiting I'm doing what's best for me.

[oldshirt]

I'm not tying anyone up nor wallowing in sorrow but I know what you're saying. As far as for my other friend up there that you defended I think you're both missing the point that I didn't wake up and think 'hm let me make things harder for myself and date someone halfway across the country', trust me I'd much rather have the person I'm with be right here in NJ it just didn't work out that way this time. You gave a valid, thought out opinion, they wasted time with 2 sentences lol. I didn't know it was a joke, didn't find it funny, but yes I was prepared I mean hey its the Internet but just like they can say that, I can react 'b*itchy'. But again thanks for your opinion, I think I'm all figured out here now and decided instead of sitting around waiting I'm doing what's best for me.

 

Actually I wasn't joking. I my have been a bit tongue-in-cheek or even a bit sarcastic to make a point, but I was quite serious.

 

 

I do disagree with the notion that we have no choice in who we love and who we develop relationships with. We love and develop R's with the people that we invest our time and energies into and who reciprocate with investments of their time and energies into us.

 

 

That means we have the ability to love and relate to people whether they are across the street or across the country.

 

 

The problem with LDRs is this people aren't in the here and now in the real world. They may be good conversationalists on a keyboard or on the phone and they may post their best pictures but it's not a real life relationship.

 

 

There are generational differences between people today and back when I was young and dating but the basic facts haven't changed a bit. In my day these people were called pen-pals. I have some pen pals at various locations across the country too. I very much enjoy chatting and bantering with them. They are good people and a few of them are even hot and would make great GFs/wives/SOs. .....but they are not here. They are on a computer screen and a txt screen. They aren't a part of my real life, nor am I a part of theirs. I'm the guy they send an email to at the end of the day to let me know what they Thought of a new movie release or tell me about the big blizzard that hit there area. They are not the person that I am making a home and family with that curls up next to me at night.

 

 

An LDR is make believe relationship. It's Napoleon Dynamite talking about his girlfriend that is off on some modeling location to explain why he doesn't have a GF in his reality. It's a filler.

 

 

And worse than that, it's an interference and distraction from finding a real relationship with a real flesh and blood person in your real life. If you are home txting or Skyping with her, you aren't out developing a relationship that can go somewhere and accomplish something.

 

 

Unless you are txting and skyping plans on how to move so that both of you are in the same location and really be together, it's wasted bandwidth.

 

 

That all being said, I think you are doing right by getting back on the market and trying to meet someone in the flesh with whom you stand an actual chance of a R in the physical world.

 

 

I'm not saying to delete and block your pen-pal. I am saying don't let it interfere with finding someone in your real world.

 

 

I'll also add she isn't confused about a thing. She knows exactly how she feels and what she wants. She just hasn't figured out a perfect painless way to break it to you yet. She wants a real relationship in the physical world and for that she is entitled.

 

 

And so are you.

 

 

My two sentences above were right on the money. There ARE single, available women in New Jersey that can be a good match for you but you have to meet them and invest your time and energies into them for a R to develop.

 

 

And my suggestion to devote your time and energies into meeting women for which it is a realistic possibility for a real relationship to develop is also completely valid.

 

 

I know it's not what you wanted to hear but other than one or both of you moving so you can be together in the physical world, I don't have the slightest clue on how to make an LDR work and I don't think anyone else does either. The only advice anyone can give is how to endure a life of electronic messages and how to take yourself off of the real dating market so you don't lose your pen-pal to a flesh and blood partner. And I don't know why anyone would want to do that.

[PusherLove86]

Actually I wasn't joking. I my have been a bit tongue-in-cheek or even a bit sarcastic to make a point, but I was quite serious.

 

 

I do disagree with the notion that we have no choice in who we love and who we develop relationships with. We love and develop R's with the people that we invest our time and energies into and who reciprocate with investments of their time and energies into us.

 

 

That means we have the ability to love and relate to people whether they are across the street or across the country.

 

 

The problem with LDRs is this people aren't in the here and now in the real world. They may be good conversationalists on a keyboard or on the phone and they may post their best pictures but it's not a real life relationship.

 

 

There are generational differences between people today and back when I was young and dating but the basic facts haven't changed a bit. In my day these people were called pen-pals. I have some pen pals at various locations across the country too. I very much enjoy chatting and bantering with them. They are good people and a few of them are even hot and would make great GFs/wives/SOs. .....but they are not here. They are on a computer screen and a txt screen. They aren't a part of my real life, nor am I a part of theirs. I'm the guy they send an email to at the end of the day to let me know what they Thought of a new movie release or tell me about the big blizzard that hit there area. They are not the person that I am making a home and family with that curls up next to me at night.

 

 

An LDR is make believe relationship. It's Napoleon Dynamite talking about his girlfriend that is off on some modeling location to explain why he doesn't have a GF in his reality. It's a filler.

 

 

And worse than that, it's an interference and distraction from finding a real relationship with a real flesh and blood person in your real life. If you are home txting or Skyping with her, you aren't out developing a relationship that can go somewhere and accomplish something.

 

 

Unless you are txting and skyping plans on how to move so that both of you are in the same location and really be together, it's wasted bandwidth.

 

 

That all being said, I think you are doing right by getting back on the market and trying to meet someone in the flesh with whom you stand an actual chance of a R in the physical world.

 

 

I'm not saying to delete and block your pen-pal. I am saying don't let it interfere with finding someone in your real world.

 

 

I'll also add she isn't confused about a thing. She knows exactly how she feels and what she wants. She just hasn't figured out a perfect painless way to break it to you yet. She wants a real relationship in the physical world and for that she is entitled.

 

 

And so are you.

 

 

My two sentences above were right on the money. There ARE single, available women in New Jersey that can be a good match for you but you have to meet them and invest your time and energies into them for a R to develop.

 

 

And my suggestion to devote your time and energies into meeting women for which it is a realistic possibility for a real relationship to develop is also completely valid.

 

 

I know it's not what you wanted to hear but other than one or both of you moving so you can be together in the physical world, I don't have the slightest clue on how to make an LDR work and I don't think anyone else does either. The only advice anyone can give is how to endure a life of electronic messages and how to take yourself off of the real dating market so you don't lose your pen-pal to a flesh and blood partner. And I don't know why anyone would want to do that.

 

Now that's advice right there lol. Thank you for that I do appreciate it and you probably just gave me the most detailed, best advice anyone has. Now here's my thing, I have been putting myself out there for a while now, came very close to even starting a relationship but I didn't pull the trigger, not because of the girl in Chicago just wasn't sure if it was really what I wanted. I'm going to continue to date and all that here. I will disagree with her not being confused though. She literally calls me every day multiple times, sweet talks me and all that and I don't ask for this she just does it and her current relationship is on the rocks. Could just be she simply is looking for comfort in me which is very realistic but her actions definitely show confusion. As far as waiting, I'm not because that's stupid when she hasn't pulled the trigger to change anything yet. We did agree if we're both single at the same time we'd give it one more shot and she wants to try moving here again. So that's my story till now lol. Again, thank you for the advice and clarifying that and I apologize for my attitude towards it.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

Now here's my thing, I have been putting myself out there for a while now, came very close to even starting a relationship but I didn't pull the trigger, not because of the girl in Chicago just wasn't sure if it was really what I wanted.

 

 

What do you mean by that?

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm going to continue to date and all that here.

 

 

Wise choice.

 

 

 

 

I will disagree with her not being confused though. She literally calls me every day multiple times, sweet talks me and all that and I don't ask for this she just does it and her current relationship is on the rocks.

 

 

She's not 'confused,' she knows exactly what she wants and knows exactly where she is at - things just aren't exactly the way she wants them.

You are her crutch. her shoulder to cry on. and her fall-back guy that will be there when she calls and needs to whine and someone that will tell her how cute she is and what a good person she is and will tell her how great she is and that she deserves better. You are her "EID",,, aka - EGO INFLATION DEVICE.

Nothing really wrong with that in and of itself as long as you know you aren't getting anywhere with her and as long as it doesn't interfere with anything in your life.

Where that becomes problematic is if it is giving you a false sense of you being the one that rides off into the sunset with her or if it is hampering your efforts to find a meaningful relationship with a realistic candidate (ie someone who lives close to you and can become part of your everyday life)

 

 

 

 

Could just be she simply is looking for comfort in me which is very realistic but her actions definitely show confusion.

 

 

Yes she is looking for comfort and validation and ego strokes, but no, she is not confused about anything.

 

 

 

 

As far as waiting, I'm not because that's stupid when she hasn't pulled the trigger to change anything yet.

 

 

But you are waiting for her to pull the trigger and that is not taking charge of your own life.

 

 

 

 

We did agree if we're both single at the same time we'd give it one more shot and she wants to try moving here again.

 

 

OK, just for the sake of argument and to try to show that I can be negotiable, I will give a little ground here. I think it's reasonable to leave that door open for now. I think it's ok to offer her that if she were to move to New Jersey for whatever reason and you were both single to cross that bridge when you get to it.

I think that's fair. I think it's fair provided that no one is sitting on the shelf waiting for that to happen and provide you both understand those are some pretty big 'IFs'. As long as you both realize that neither of you are going to take yourself off the market and wait for the other's return and that it is a long shot and probably will never happen, I think it's ok to make that offer.

 

 

 

 

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Responses in bold above.

[PusherLove86]

Responses in bold above.

 

With the other girl I think I was actually using her more as a crutch as well. But funny enough she (Chicago) just called me as I finished writing my last response and informed me that as of last night she is single and wants to come here and see me within the next few weeks. I told her I'm cool with that but that I need her to make sure she really is doing this for the right reasons but I will not commit to anything nor halt my own life until I feel it's the right thing to do. Thank you again I really appreciate your input a lot.